Well I've done it again. Every time I start feeling good about how things are going I find a way to screw it up. I'm a mechanic and one of the few perks to my job is getting to do side jobs for extra money when we are not that busy. Well I took one a few days ago and didn't think much about it but the Guy I worked on it for my wife does not like his wife because she acted to needy with me. Well I didn't tell her instendly about it. Now she is ready to give up on us. I wish I could make things right.

DTL,

Why didn't you tell her instantly about it? Isn't this one of the EP's you have in place?

CV

Until you make the decision to be radically honest and live a transparent lifestyle, nothing will change for you or your marriage.

I know all I have is excuses but I'm trying. Being open and thinking ahead to tell her everything is hard. Not because I don't want to but because it's something that I haven't had to do since I was about 12. And every time I do something like this I get told she has had enough and is going to leave me but I never get told when I'm doing good. And the threatening to leave makes me feel like there is no hope. I don't know if I'm even making any sense right now.

DTL:

You clearly have not held up your end of the MBs philosophy.

You say you haven't been honest in your life since age 12? That's really sad. You, sir, need help, and your wife doesn't need your pathetic attempts that always fall by the wayside. YOU, sir, hurt her tremendously with your affair. Fix it or let her go!

That did not come out the way I meant it. I wasn't talking about honesty I was talking about openness and letting someone know about what I have going on.
I know I hurt her. But I'm not perfect by no means. What I'm trying to say is I'm have to teach myself a hole new way of life and actions. I have never met any one who is perfect and can get it right the first time and never mess up.
And I don't want to lose her. But I don't control her. She is free to do what she want and all I can do is hope that she sees I'm trying. And allow me to make lb deposits

well, then make them. Honestly. If your marriage means that much then ... just ... do ... it.

Make it your sole focus in life.

Otherwise, your words are empty.

DTL,

Let me share something with you that I shared with my wife the night of Dday...

"You have a VERY short learning curve. A learning curve that is not as wide as others because of what you have done. This means you have to learn some things and learn them pretty darn quick if you want to stay married." No, you don't have to be perfect, but you are going to have top be better than just "good" right now. You know why? Because good isn't good enough after an affair. You have to be great.

You didn't just "hurt" LD, you destroyed her life. You took away everything she hoped and dreamed of. Please understand this, it is not enough to give mere intellectual assent to it. It needs to permeate the very fabric of your being.

What does this mean? It means that you are going to have to do more and better than the faithful spouse until there is some even ground, and that is going to take a while. And no, you aren't going to get many kudos for doing what you are supposed to be doing to fix this.

CV

i agree with CV. i said similar to H.

your life will never be the same, it must change -you must change.

every move you make effects luvs EVERY!

so 2 things you did. you took the job with out POJAing it and then you didnt tell her. well the second one basically tells her that you are willing to lie still, and that rocks her to the core.

see if you just simply tell her everything you would not be in this mess.

DTL- change your life

Dtl,

Makes perfect sense. The problem is that the sense is nonsense. Why are you making excuses and keeping secrets? If you KNOW that keeping secrets will destroy your life with LD, why keep doing it? What are you protecting?

Is taking a side-job from a woman who's "needy" (flirting) really worth the cost of your marriage for 500 or 1000 bucks?

Also, what are you trying? All you had to do a month ago was a sketch for LD. A little thing that would have meant a lot. Did you ever even start it? You had time to sit on the couch (by your own admission) and watch TV.

What exactly are your trying to do? sounds like you are trying to have a "normal marriage" in the wake of the affair. Problem is, you can't have that. at least not yet.

So she's telling you she's leaving? Well, let me tell you, her saying that should not be taken lightly. But it should also motivate you. She's giving you a chance to fix things by saying that. She hasn't just up and left. It is your opportunity to do something, because right now, it appears you are doing nothing.

Question is, what are you going to do?

CV

Of course it does, because it's an abusive strategy.

You are in control of your reaction to that, however.


And you are in control of your ability to be open.

It's simple; you run any side work you are offered by LD before you accept it. That's it.

If she does not agree to it, you don't do it.

A REFORMED alcoholic typically will white knuckle their sobriety and constantly fight the urge to pick up a drink. EP's will be resented as something they must do or they will drink again.

A TRANSFORMED alcoholic has an entire change of psyche, making it possible to cease fighting everything and everyone around them. EP's are easily incorporated into their lives as an enlightend and integrated part of life they now embrace. Rather than constantly feeling tempted by alcohol, they recoil from it, as if pulling away from a hot flame.


I frequently see waywards that are reformed, rather than transformed, which is why everything seems to be a struggle for them..... They fall short of the transformation necessary for a peaceful road toward recovery from infidelity, because they resent having to make any changes! They don't recognize that the opportunity for transformation is a GIFT!

I think you just hit the nail on the head.

I've read that post several times today. You make a lot of sense with that analogy. I want to become transformed.

--Want-- is a good **start**, but it's a long way from finish. DTL, you have a lot of tools at your disposal. Are you going to use them?



CV