dtl,

Where ya been hiding?

Why are you still protecting your own image at your wife's expense?

You are valuing your son and your friends and their FALSE image of you more than you are demonstrating protection and care for your wife.... Do you see this??

What's up with that???

I have no real excuse. I don't even know what to say right now. I will get it done

Sit down and write out the points you need to make sure are covered when you sit down with these people.

Keep it simple.

Points such as;

1) I owe you an apology. I've been lying to you and I'm very sorry.

2) I used you as cover to carry on my adulterous affair.

3) I distorted stories about my wife and my marriage, in order to cover for and justify my affair.

4) I'm doing what I should have always been doing; caring for and protecting my wife.

Sit down and write out a few points, OK!

Then go make amends and tell the truth to those around you.

Invite your wife to go along!

The exposure step has Ben done. It was not as bad as I had expected my friends were supportive in helping and my son was a lot more mature then I was expecting and even apologized for how he had Ben acting

see not so bad. good job. they may all give you both some time to heal, dont take that the wrong way. they also are now just struggling with the news, its new to them, it may take time to sink in.

how are your EP's going?

I have the ep's mostly done I'm just working on getting them all put together to give to her should be finished tonight

Of course it wasn't so bad!

You sent a text to all of them....

I'm disappointed to say the least!

You got away with hiding all the details again.

You got to hide behind the safety of a phone!
You didn't have to make any amends..
Answer any questions..
See the look in their eye's when you told them THEY were the alibi that allowed the affair to occur..
Risk info coming out that your wife might not know about yet..
Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

Texted it instead,,,, such classic wayward behavior......


I'm sorry, but I thought you were about to take a major step in demonstrating how you've changed.... I was wrong.... Instead you reverted back to protecting YOU, YOU, YOU!

What get's me the most is that your son apologized to you guys for not coming around.... You should be embarrassed!
He was gaslighted about your affair, lied to, used as cover and somehow he now has guilt as a result of the fallout.... And you, in your wayward thinking, are proud your son had the courage to apologize.... Really! Seriously! You've led him astray in his thinking, AGAIN!

ARGH!

I want you succeed, I want you to have the best marriage possible, and that's why I refuse to sit by quietly and allow you to get away with these HALF-MEASURES!

Your wife deserves better!
Your son deserves better!

You are capable of better!

Please start posting in more detail if you want help! I don't type well either, yet I and many others give their time freely regardless....

Where are you with your EP's?

Please list them out here so we can review them.

And update me on which of Dr. H's books you've now completed.

DTL,

Are you still working on taking the lead in recovery? Are you being proactive and asking Luvs what she needs and how she needs it in order to progress in recovery?

CV

*<I hear the crickets chirping>*

Stay on his butt .... he's slipping.

Here's the thing dtl....

Your silence here is speaking LOUDLY to your injured wife.

Indeed. Listen DTL,

we want you guys to work, but we can't hold your hand through every single step. You have to get off your rump and start doing.


What are you hoping for? You have a wife who's WILLING to forgive you given time and effort from you.

And the thing is, you are probably putting less time into recovering than you did chasing skirt.

C'mon man. can you list for us the things you are supposed to be doing here? The things that Luvs has said is required for getting your M back?

CV

Finishing my eps and reviewing them every day. I have finished the eps
Boxing up all my hobby stuff and storing it away it triggers her, done. Since then. She has told me this was a bare minimum. She don't know if she will get over them being a trigger
listing what ow was doing to meet my en's. And give a list of ens.
What I find attractive in a women
Exposure. Got told I was a chicken for doing in txt
tell her about a person I talk to online for a couple of weeks I was going to meet on a weekend that I went out of town but i backed out of meeting
sitting down every Sunday to schedule ua time.
And giving her a list of what I need from her

OK. That's a good start. What are you doing above and beyond that?

cv

DTL,

I know I probably seem to be firing off questions here, but this one's important...

Are you still hoping to recover your marriage?

If not, why?

If so, what do you envision it being like?

These are important questions, because they affect how you approach your recovery and how hard you are willing to work towards whatever end you are envisioning.

I do still want to recover my marriage very much.
I have visions of us together touring the country together when we retire. Doing every thing from canoeing natural springs in Florida to hiking in yellow stone and every thing in between. I see myself growing old with my wife
But I do have to admit that every time I here her make a comment that she is just giving it the 2 years like she has already given up. I go into self preservation mode. Because I know how bad I hurt her and don't see how she can ever forgive me for that.
I know it's not the right way to think. But I just can't help it sometimes. But I am trying
I have to get myself out of that frame of mind because I know when she gets like that I need to comfort that much more to bring her back up.

DTL,

This is a long term investment you are talking about. It is going to require you to put in a lot of sweat equity for the first two years, and the returns aren't going to be seen immediately.

What does a successful marriage need? The same thing a successful business does. A plan. There is no promises the business is going to make it, no matter how much market research you do.YOu just know that for X number of years you will be working to get it going, right? Well this is marriage after an A. If both spouses are willing to work, the FWS has to put in sweat equity. If recovery frame of mind is locking you up[, back up and hit the problem from a different angle. Think of it in terms of business or whatever clicks with you. Whatever you need to get the recovery moving forward.

If business is your deal then expect reports, meetings and long hours.

CV

Thank you for the advice. We are doing better today. I'm willing to put the effort into are marriage. I think the next step we are working on is the quality of are ua time. We have no problem meeting the hours of it but we have got to make it better. We are going to start finding things we like to do together other than watching TV. I will keep updating how it is going

It may just be me, but that statement sounds dangerously close to you trying to control her emotions and keeping her from ever feeling anything negative.

There is a fine line between "I want to meet my wife's emotional needs so that she will be in love with me" and "I am extremely uncomfortable with the downturns in my wife's moods, and I will try to push her back up when that happens." If you are not careful, you can wind up being demanding or disrespectful trying to control her moods.

Just focus on making love bank deposits. This is more like dropping pebbles into a river trying to build a bridge. For a long, long time they will disappear beneath the surface of the water, with no discernible effect. You can't measure it by the day to day changes in your wife's mood.

And your wife needs your love bank deposits ALL THE TIME, not just when she is feeling down and needs to be comforted.

I may be overreacting here, but I think that how you think about it is very important. I am certain that HerPapaBear or somebody will correct me if I'm off base here.

I can see were you are coming from with that. But I'm not trying to control her feelings. I just have a problem of reacting negatively when I here that type of stuff. And it's not good for us. What I'm trying to say instead of me withdrawing from her I need to be there for her