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Things are going slow for us right now. This is a though time for her being the one year mark from my a and every thing else that has happened to her recently. I'm trying hard but it is rough sometimes. I feel that with all the effort I put into helping her through all of this there is very little deposit into her lb but I'm going to keep on doing the work.
Yes we have discussed poja I try to use it but sometimes I slip and forget to after so many years of not using it I just slip up. I do need to work harder at it.
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I feel that with all the effort I put into helping her through all of this there is very little deposit into her lb but I'm going to keep on doing the work.
Yes we have discussed poja I try to use it but sometimes I slip and forget to after so many years of not using it I just slip up. I do need to work harder at it. dtl. My own FWH used to say things like that to me and it was a huge LB withdrawal. That was taking no responsibiltiy for his actions...forgot. How could he forget? That said to me that he was not taking it seriously. Just wanted to point out the message that a BS receives when they hear things like this.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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I'm taking this seriously. I try to catch myself. But it still happens sometimes
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Yes we have discussed poja I try to use it but sometimes I slip and forget to after so many years of not using it I just slip up. I do need to work harder at it. Write "POJA" on the inside of your wrist with a marker. When it fades, rewrite it. Keep the temporary POJA 'tattoo' for a year. Habits can be learned.
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I'm taking this seriously. I try to catch myself. But it still happens sometimes My solution is simple when my spouse demands rather than negotiating: I stop what I'm doing, look directly at her, and wait with an expectant look on my face. No demands, no disrespect, an acknowledgement of her presence, but ignoring the demand she just made. We've both read the same books, we both know what we should be doing, but it's easy to get lazy. Demands are quicker than negotiation. She quickly realizes and re-phrases her question. It goes both ways, too. I've occasionally found her giving me a blank look rather than responding to my question, and realized I was making a demand. It's a learning process. One response we used a lot early in recovery when a spouse made a demand was, "I'd love it if you'd rephrase your question" or "I love it when you ask how I'd feel about doing that."
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This might be a helpful suggestion, too: If your negotiation turns sour, and one of you succumbs to the temptation of the Taker with demands, disrespect or anger, end the discussion by changing the subject to something more pleasant. After a brief pause, your spouse may apologize and wish to return to the subject that was so upsetting. But don't go back into the minefield until it has been swept clear of mines. The mines, of course, are demands, disrespect and anger, and you must discuss how to avoid them before you return to the issue. You can't negotiate if your Takers' destructive instincts control your discussion.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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That's a great tip! It's less antagonistic than leaving the room -- my preferred solution if my wife gets angry -- and less passive than staring mutely!
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That is all good advice. And thank you.
I have no problem at all with using poja. I just sometimes need to be reminded when I don't use it. I usually don't realize I did it. I remember one day I made plans and told my wife about them without negotiating with her and realized what I did and called her right back and apologized for it and included her in with poja on it.
But I still have a long way to go
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That is all good advice. And thank you.
I have no problem at all with using poja. I just sometimes need to be reminded when I don't use it. I usually don't realize I did it. I remember one day I made plans and told my wife about them without negotiating with her and realized what I did and called her right back and apologized for it and included her in with poja on it.
But I still have a long way to go Is it pepperband's sign off? Progress... not perfection. CV
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Just a small update things are still slow we have both caught the crud that has been going around. I've not got the item done yet that cv and I talked about I feel bad that I haven't done it yet. but by the time I get home from work and try to help her out with stuff around here I just want to sit and hold her and relax. I'm hoping to get started on it soon though
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Just a small update things are still slow we have both caught the crud that has been going around. I've not got the item done yet that cv and I talked about I feel bad that I haven't done it yet. but by the time I get home from work and try to help her out with stuff around here I just want to sit and hold her and relax. I'm hoping to get started on it soon though Good on ya! Take care of your health first. And LD's too. Poor health = slow recovery.... CV
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We are sort of standing idle right now. I feel like things are getting a little better myself. I can see she is starting to meet my needs a little more. But with both of us being sick and all it is just going slow. I told her tonight that I'm a little down I feel like I'm not doing enough to make are ua time count she said that it is about all she has felt like doing physically and mentally. I want to do more to bring her up. I'm trying to be strong during this hard time for her but I feel it is taking a toll on me mentally to. I need to find a way to jump start us back into recovery. I don't want her to think that I'm not trying. Because I am trying very hard
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We are sort of standing idle right now. I feel like things are getting a little better myself. I can see she is starting to meet my needs a little more. But with both of us being sick and all it is just going slow. I told her tonight that I'm a little down I feel like I'm not doing enough to make are ua time count she said that it is about all she has felt like doing physically and mentally. I want to do more to bring her up. I'm trying to be strong during this hard time for her but I feel it is taking a toll on me mentally to. I need to find a way to jump start us back into recovery. I don't want her to think that I'm not trying. Because I am trying very hard Goals are important, DTL. Take a little time each night and get that project started. I know if you are like me, that thing will probably take a week in my head before it takes real shape. Anyway, there's not a heckuva lot you can do recovering from sickness, at least not more than it appears you both have been doing. Use what we talked about as a jumpstart. I think it'll be good. The truth is that recovery is just mostly hard, grueling work at first... It mentally wears on you and you are physically exhausted. CV Cv
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Another update even though things have been going slow we are starting on some better ua time. We went miniature golfing the other day and played battle ship tonight. We have been spending time together but it has been mostly watching TV together. It just means more to me when we do different stuff together
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Another update even though things have been going slow we are starting on some better ua time. We went miniature golfing the other day and played battle ship tonight. We have been spending time together but it has been mostly watching TV together. It just means more to me when we do different stuff together How's other stuff going? Is she telling you you are meeting her EN's? Are you guys spending quality time talking too? How about the project? I can't remember LD's en's off the top of my head. Are you working to meet hers too?
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I try but I don't think she ever sees it I know she said for me not to read her post. But most of the time that is the only way I can find out how she is feeling. She always turns down my suggestions saying she don't feel like it but then when she brings it up it's all her idea and I'm not trying. I don't know what to do anymore
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The Policy Of Undivided Attention; I don't care if you've read it before, read it again... link to POUAIt's pretty childish for either of you to complain about who comes up with the activities your going to do during your UA. Both of you should be sitting down once a week and planning out your UA schedule, otherwise the UA schedule doesn't happen! Flying by the seat of your pant's with UA time just turns to resentment in the end! When you can't think of anything else to do, fill up the bath tub and go take a bath together, laugh about how hard it is to wash while your in there together. Then move to the bedroom, enjoy rubbing some baby oils, etc. on each other and make love.... UA time is critical! RE-read the Link and follow Dr. H's road map!
Last edited by HerPapaBear; 01/24/12 01:11 PM.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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The Policy Of Undivided Attention; I don't care if you've read it before, read it again... link to POUAIt's pretty childish for either of you to complain about who comes up with the activities your going to do during your UA. Both of you should be sitting down once a week and planning out your UA schedule, otherwise the UA schedule doesn't happen! Flying by the seat of your pant's with UA time just turns to resentment in the end! When you can't think of anything else to do, fill up the bath tub and go take a bath together, laugh about how hard it is to wash while your in there together. Then move to the bedroom, enjoy rubbing some baby oils, etc. on each other and make love.... UA time is critical! RE-read the Link and follow Dr. H's road map! I agree, and add to it the POJA. Sometimes the TV just don't cut it. CV
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Thanks for the reminder. I went back and read it again. And looking back at are post I agree with you. The important thing is quality ua time.
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Thanks for the reminder. I went back and read it again. And looking back at are post I agree with you. The important thing is quality ua time. You guys might want to do the en questionnaire if it's been a few weeks as well. It helps spark conversation and gives ideas for how to meet those needs. CV
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