<Face-Palm> ...exposure also includes a list of people in OM's life who can persuade him to stop being a home-wrecking douche-bag ... like his WIFE, his family, his clergy, his workplace.

Workplace is only applicable if hes boning his customers or co-workers at his place of employment

Thank you RMX,

I don't really feel like I've gotten any real suggestions. I've heard a lot of slander towards my W (she deserves it) and how enabling I am. I installed keylogger software on the computer, but she mostly uses the smartphone which I no longer have access to.

If I can get some clarification as to what to do, I would appreciate that (places to read, steps to take, etc).

I feel like maybe I left out some information to help you guys help me. I'm not sure though. My W says that she's not happy and doesn't think I can make her happy and that the affair didn't mean anything. I've been so wrapped up in saving the marriage, I haven't had time to deal with the affair.

OM is also a Marine. It disgusts me that he would do this to his family and mine.

I feel like I have wasted my time here today if that is how you feel. I spent alot of time with you today for nothing apparently.

I wish you the best.

If this is what you think, then I suggest you re-read your thread. More than once if necessary. I re-read my thread many many times and you have gotten a lot more advice in one day than I ever did.

Some things off the top of my head that were suggested:

~ speak to OMW again
~ expose to your children
~ set up a limited visitation schedule
~ speak to another (better) lawyer and learn your rights

A lot of people posted to you that you have to STOP going along with whatever your WW wants. I don't think you get it if you think we were just bashing her for the fun of it.

Reread the thread.

MelodyLane,
I'm sorry if you feel like I wasted your time. Your input is valuable to me. Please understand that I'm an emotional wreck right now and I'm trying to process everything you all have said to me. I do appreciate your time.

We've seen that emotional wreck frequently here, GJM. Listen closely if you want to pull out of that state. I promise you MelodyLane and the "veterans" here can help you. They may tell you some things you don't want to hear along the way.

If a post bothers you, that is probably the most important post for you to hear.

No one has slandered your wife. That would be based in false and malicious comments about her. The folk here are trying to paint a picture to you of what you are dealing with when your spouse is wayward.
They all are remarkably alike in what they say and do and your wife sounds dead on script.
That is why the posters are so very intensely trying to explain to you how to proceed.

I appreciate the input from all of you. I will go back and read all suggestions again. My W and I have been amicable and I'm afraid that anything negative that I do will cause a distance between us. She has said that she is trying to communicate with me and spend time with me so she's not distant in hopes that we will get back together. She said she just needs some space to clear her head. She has a 6 month lease on her apt and said that if things work out between us before then, she will break the lease and come back.

Neither did I....but your combat training relates as this is a war for your wife and family.

Objective #1: Kill the affair.

It is impossible to achieve any progress while a third party enemy remains in your marriage.

Your weapons are not your fists but your brain.


Missions:

1. Exposure (what about OM's grandparents, his friends on facebook, his ex-girlfriends, his teachers, his boss...brainstorm who else might help...you never know who will provide the most influence persuading him to stop this insane destructive behavior.

2. Operation OM Dumpster: Single OM's notoriously disappear once the situation just becomes more trouble than it's worth. There are ways to do this within the law. You could file temporary orders mandating that he is not to be around your children, file a restraining order to boot, go to the league and don't just talk to them but write letters and threaten legal action if something isn't done, have a friend follow OM with a camera taking pictures like he's a private investigator (but you want OM to catch him spying on him and make him feel like this crap just isn't worth it). You want OM to have the impression that the free "ride" is over....and it's never going to stop.

*by the way...as far as worrying about whether or not it sucks that your wife didn't choose to come home and it came down to getting OM to walk away...don't sweat it. The mission is END THE AFFAIR....recovery can only commence once that is accomplished. How it is accomplished is completely irrelevant to the recovery process. Your wife is making a huge mistake and you, as her husband, are TRYING to save her. You may not succeed (which is her loss) but in that case, you'll be all the better for the undertaking.

3. Operation back-side: Meanwhile on the back-side you'll be doing everything possible to insure your custody rights (and property rights) are protected to the utmost. You do not have to concede legal rights in your effort to save your marriage. In fact, doing so only makes losing such rights AND your children AND your money more likely. The harder you fight the more likely she will wake up sooner than later. It's called bring the bottom up and the sooner she realizes you are a fit and competent legal opponent the MORE she will respect you as a man (which is ATTRACTIVE actually). I'm not actually saying "file tomorrow" but rather, while fighting to save your marriage you must also fight a competent and diligent legal fight on the down low such that you (and your children) aren't screwed in the event you do end up divorced.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s.- as military...you'll LOVE reading Mortarman's story

Don't you realize your WW is saying things so you build false hopes? That the space WW needs is so she can date and do the OM? That you won't expose? That WW is stringing you along as her back up plan? That WW builds a fear in you so you agree with an easy divorce for her?

She has said that she is trying to communicate with me and spend time with me so she's not distant in hopes that we will get back together. She said she just needs some space to clear her head...and said that if things work out between us before then, she will break the lease and come back.

Dude, cheaters LIE - continuously and fervently. I would respectfully urge you to understand that FACT, and give less credence to her bilge than to the advice you're getting here.

Let me translate her pronouncements into cheater-speak:

She has said that she is trying to placate me and spend less time with me so she's more distant in hopes that she can cement her nascient relationship with OM. She said she just needs some space to clear some room to manuever. She has a 6 month lease on her apt and said that if things do not work out between them, she will break the lease and come back.

I mean seriously: She moved out so she can better communicate and spend time with you??? In what bizarro world does that make sense?

PS: Like a person suffering from a disease seeking medical help, YOU came HERE (we didn't search you out) because you instinctively knew you were in serious trouble, and we had the program to effect a cure. And for some reason, you as the patient are telling us we're wrong? ("Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "OK, first stop doing that." "What? I've always done that! I can't stop now!" )

What kind of plan do you think He's going to unveil? Are you under the impression God might be planning for you to divorce after your marriage dies to an affair? I assure you this is not God's plan, but I assure you that YOU have to take action to bring about the marriage that God wants. Don't pin your inaction on Him and blame Him for you not doing what needs to be done.

If you want to know God's plan for marriage you can read your Bible. But you'll find that you are expected to ACT.

GJM,

I too was/am in your shoes. What you are being told to do is not unbiblical at all. God allowed you to find this web site did he not? God led you to these wonderful people giving wisdom and knowledge over the problems you are dealing with right? Please listen to them. I did not when I first came here. I am now in a tougher spot, and must look back and say what if I had listened sooner. I am learning to become more dependent on God also. But please listen to the wisdom the people here are speaking. Fight the good fight. Again nothing I have found in the bible contradicts anything these people are telling you to do. God hates divorce you are fighting to stop that right. I was in your shoes so much. Yes she is nice and amicable your allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. I was and still am fighting it. Not only are you letting her have the cake too, but your holding the plate for her.

GJM,

I too was/am in your shoes. What you are being told to do is not unbiblical at all. God allowed you to find this web site did he not? God led you to these wonderful people giving wisdom and knowledge over the problems you are dealing with right? Please listen to them. I did not when I first came here. I am now in a tougher spot, and must look back and say what if I had listened sooner. I am learning to become more dependent on God also. But please listen to the wisdom the people here are speaking. Fight the good fight. Again nothing I have found in the bible contradicts anything these people are telling you to do. God hates divorce you are fighting to stop that right. I was in your shoes so much. Yes she is nice and amicable your allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. I was and still am fighting it. Not only are you letting her have the cake too, but your holding the plate for her.

Quote

I don't really feel like I've gotten any real suggestions. I've heard a lot of slander towards my W (she deserves it) and how enabling I am. I installed keylogger software on the computer, but she mostly uses the smartphone which I no longer have access to.

Slander? Curious choice of words, don'tcha think? Your wife is a serial cheater, GJM. She has very poor (or perhaps nonexistent) bondaries around men, and cheats anytime she feels "unhappy". And you've gotten suggestions, however you are too afraid to heed them.

My suggestions:

1. Shed your fear. Not a good thing in a man, but we see so many BHs come here seemingly paralyzed by their fear of consequences. Paradoxically it's your course of appeasement that will doom your marriage. By showing weakness and letting your wife do whatever she wants without consequence, do you project an image as a guy worthy of respect? Not really, right? Women have affairs on men for whom they have contempt, it's how they justify what they do. Women don't really respect weak men they feel contempt for them.

2. Contact your base Judge Advocate office. You can get free legal advice, however, they will not be able to represent you in the CA state courts. They will be able to help you make a formal complaint against the OM. Adultery is an offense in the UCMJ and, yes, they do take action. Usually the command will order the OM to cease contact with your wife, and if he violates the order he then has two charges, adultery and refusal to obey a direct order. Usually that means field grade Article 15 (nonjudicial punishment that could result in reduction in grade with a hefty fine) or a court martial. Either one is usually career terminal.

3. Tell your kids the truth. They have to be wondering why Mom is living by herself now - why lie to them? Is this how you want them to think marriages are? That it's ok for a wife (or husband) to cheat?

4. I would contact the Family Advocacy program on base, usually with either base community services or Behavioral Health, to see how thay can assist you. Also CYA with the chain of command if you do need some time or help dealing with your situation.

5. Please lose this fantasy that your wife is gong to agree to the terms you listed above. Once she gets a lawyer, they'll be going for whatever they can get. That's why you need to establish that she's been unfaitful multiple times, that you've tried to work on the marriage, and she continues to cheat and leave the family on a whim. time to stop thinking about what you feel God would want you to do and start thunking about what is best for both you and your children. If you are not proactive you cold be setting yourself up for a world of hurt, especially given what is pro forma in California family courts.

6. Don't stop the divorce, your wife needs to see consequence to her actions, needs to understand that you ar resolute that you will not be treated this way. There's both a stick and a carrot aspect to Plan A. You are not practicing Plan A, you are in Plan Doormat.

I apologize if I sounded ungrateful.

GJM,

I had EXACTLY the same fear and attitude that you have right now. It got me nowhere. I was afraid to rock the boat. I was afraid to tick off my WW by doing the things that were being suggested on this forum.

Understand this: There is ZERO chance that you can save your marriage as long as the affair is ongoing. She may say that it is over. 99% of the time it is a lie. But understand it and get it through your head: You will not save your marriage and have no chance of doing so as long as she is actively in an affair.

You need to understand what �amicable� means to a WW. It means that she �lets you down easy� and leaves you while keeping a friendly relationship and hoping that she stays friendly with you, has her affair with OM, and has an amicable divorce where you all get along splendidly afterwards. In her mind, you and OM will get along wonderfully, the kids will be happy that she�s happy, and you all frolic in the fields while bunnies and rainbows come out to celebrate her wonderful love with the OM.

So this is a game she plays to keep you behaving while she sets up her exit. I say this to you because I lived it! Get it!

There is nothing unique or special about your situation. Your wife is a serial cheater. So long as you don�t take definitive action to stop the affairs and set your foot down (so to speak) then you will simply repeat what is essentially a pattern of emotional abuse.

So follow the steps outlined for you to end the affair. Will she be ticked? Oh yes. You will second guess the advice we�ve given you and wonder if you made a monster mistake.

But it is necessary to expose in order to bring the affair to light and end it. Your marriage can survive her anger. It will not survive an ongoing affar.

So man up. Do what you need to. It is the ONLY way to save your marriage if it is salvageable.

The path after exposure is uncertain. The path without exposure is certain. It ends in divorce.

Your marriage can survive her anger. It cannot survive an affair.

I understand what you're saying. I need to be methodical about how I do this. Under the Chapter 15 of the UVMJ, I will be obligated to provide support at a minimum of $200 per person. We have so many bills that I cannot afford to do that. I also risk losing my base housing for my children if I don't get at least 50 percent custody. My W has agreed to my terms on our settlement agreement. Should I serve her the papers and have the agreement typed up first. I would then have to wait at least 30 days before I can request a court order for more custody. Once she signs the settlement agreement, my command cannot interfere. The court will only be able to change child support from then on. I held off serving the papers in hopes of reconciliation, but from what you all are saying, she falls into the pattern of a liar and chronic cheater.

Somehow I became weak through all of this. I never used to let anyone walk on me and I didn't take crap from anyone. I lost myself because of love. I do need to man up and find myself again.