I would have someone there with you, someone impartial.

If you aren't already, I highly suggest noting when she calls, when she does anything with the kids, good or bad. A diary of this sort can be handy in your situation--where the WW who has left is trying to spin things. Note everything, EVERYTHING she does.

Whatever you do, don't agree to anything. Just listen and tell her "that is alot to think about, let me think that over and get back to you." Can you do that?

I would also stand up for your kids. They don't want to be over there all that time, so don't make them. There is no court order and no reason they should dragged around just to assuage her guilt.

Also, I want you start shifting the balance of power. She believes now that SHE is in complete charge of the situation and you will be at her beck and call. THAT NEEDS TO CHANGE.

Tell her you don't WANT HER to come back unless she makes ALOT of changes. Tell her clearly you don't want the old marriage back but that you are willing to give her an opportunity TO EARN YOUR FORGIVENESS but it will take a alot of on her part to prove herself to you enough to get you interested in the marriage again.

She will be SHOCKED to hear that you have conditions and are not willing to settle for less. But this is what it is going to take in order to take back control of your life and bring about a RECOVERED MARRIAGE. Because unless she does this stuff, the recovery of your marriage is hopeless.

Explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. You don't want the old marriage back. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to get you interested in reconciling:

1. end all contact with the OM for life

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about her affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to get me interested." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now she has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in her approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if she won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Yup. No meeting. No reason for a meeting.

Stay calm, and stay with the plan. Let her panic run its course.

Agree to NOTHING and just tell her what I told you above about the kids not wanting to spend so much time there. Don't agree to anything, rather be real vague and just tell her this will have to be worked out in court.

PUT A VOICE ACTIVATED RECORDER IN YOUR POCKET!! <--------------real important

And, listen to ML.

I agree with surfer88.

She's not interested in talking about our marriage so I doubt letting her know conditions will set in. She'll probably let it in one ear and out the other.

I think what Melody's trying to show you is that if you show up strong this way, it will shock her and perhaps even ATTRACT her.

She's going to be a bit piqued about this notion of having to prove herself to you. She's used to you being desperate for her attention. She's about to realize the game just changed. This display of strength and confidence will impress her though she probably won't let you know.

She will start thinking about and respecting the fact that you've finally put your foot down with her. It's attractive.

Yes, I FULLY understand this. And she may look at you like you are on crack. But this needs to be said so she understands there has now been a shift of power and she can no longer come back unless she makes some serious changes. SHE STILL BELIEVES SHE HAS YOU UNDER HER CONTROL and can come back anytime on HER TERMS. You have taken back control of your life and if there is to ever be any future in your marriage IT WILL BE ON YOUR TERMS, NOT HERS.

See, she believes she can come back anytime anywhere and that is one of her options. YOU NEED TO DISABUSE HER OF THAT NOTION. Are you with me?

And the main reason she wants to talk to you tomorrow is that she senses she is losing control over you. She wants to get you back under her control. It is important for you to be FIRM and not cheesy tomorrow. Let her know from here on out it will be on your terms.

Women do not respect men they can run over and our love is very contingent upon the respect we feel. It is important for you to re-establish that respect with her and let her know that you will not be cooperating anymore.

Do you understand what I mean?

i want you to memorize this statement and SAY it tomorrow and say it any time you see an opportunity. Be a broken record:

"I am willing to give you an opportunity to earn my forgiveness." <------your task is to drive that message home.

She still sees you as an "option." You need to make damn sure she understands that you see her the same way. As an "option" that you might or might not take.

And that her "option" will not be available unless she meets your conditions.

Thank you MelodyLane...I will memorize that statement and say it. I'm feeling empowered because now she's bringing my kids into it and I'll be damned if I give them up.

Let me ask you something. Do you want your wife back AS IS? Do you WANT the same marriage back? The marriage that experienced TWO affairs?

If you had no history with your wife, would you choose to date or marry a woman who lied, cheated and who never met your needs? A woman who made you dreadfully unhappy and sad? Your wife has made you miserable. Do you want that marriage back?

No I don't want that old marriage back.

And just think, the only reason she is doing it is because SHE FEELS GUILTY. She doesnt give a RIP about their best interests at all or she wouldnt have left to chase some loser. uuuuuuuuuh no. I would let her know there will be LESS contact because this is not good for your kids. Tell her the kids don't even want to talk to her.

I sure will. I'm tired of being in this pit of misery.

You are doing great and I am sure you will do great tomorrow. what time are you meeting?

She gets off of work at 12 so I'm sure some time after that.

You SURELY are not serious with this question, right?

No I was just seeing where her head was at because the kids have their own rooms here.