|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
EXACTLY. Accept the dinners. Use them to YOUR advantage, as everyone has suggested here.
Plan A isn`t for wimps though. Plan B is even harder and recovery is harder still.
You CAN do this. You SHOULD do this.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
Ok I will accept the dinner and will not talk about our relationship or passwords. I can do this and I will. I just need to figure out what to make. 
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
What are you good at? Make it something that you do very well. And maybe you can even bake some cookies or something as well, and get the kidlets to help.
After dinner, you could play a board game or something as well. Just have some FUN.
If ANY discussion turns to a D, you need to do what ML suggested. Remember, carrot AND stick.
And PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, don`t fall for the fog babble. I remember 2 years ago, when I first arrived at MB, the WS fog babble was compared to the teacher from Charlie Brown. Try not to laugh in her face, as that would be a LB for sure, but just think of `Wah, wah wah wah wah wah` It should help you get through.
Do you exercise? Listen to LOUD music?
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Ok I will accept the dinner and will not talk about our relationship or passwords. I can do this and I will. I just need to figure out what to make. You are ignoring my post!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Dinner is nice. But she is trying to set you up to get you to give her the cell phone password so she can alert her OM to your calls. Go ahead and have all the dinners in the world with her, but don't get into these long winded debates and don't let her manipulate you.
Since bullying you didn't work to get what she wanted she is now trying the NICE route. This is how WW's operate.
Stop asking her if she is willing to work on the marriage becasue it makes you sound needy. You need to give her the conditions I gave you and SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.
Here is how you introduce it. Tell her yes, you would like to have dinner as a family, but you don't want to give her any false expectations of a reconciliation. You want to make it clear to her that you do AGREE this will go to divorce unless certain things change. [if she interrupts here, politely say "hear me out, please, no interruptions"] Tell her you have given this alot of thought, and have decided that as it is, there is nothing here to save. You believe things can change if she does alot of work, though. Tell her, you will not settle for a loveless marriage anymore. You would only consider taking her back if certain things happen. Then go through your list of conditions. [go pull up that post of mine]
See, she thinks you will take her back on HER TERMS and that you are at her mercy. That is why you are having so trouble right now. She still believes she is in control, AND SHE IS!!! You need to take back control. To save ML`s brain from exploding READ THIS. PLEASE.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
I read it ML. I have my conditions and will not let her manipulate me into anything. I will let her know that I will not live in a loveless marriage and if she is willing to do the work necessary to earn my forgiveness, then things can change, but I will not accept her the way things are now and she shouldn't have false hopes.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
I think it right that you tell her that right up front. Let her decide if she still wants to come over.
Either way, you have a fantastic night with the kiddos. Have a GREAT dinner. And some FUN. It will do YOU wonders.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653 |
I think it right that you tell her that right up front. Let her decide if she still wants to come over. Good idea. She'll probably throw a fit and back out of the dinner, but that's ok.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
Of course it's okay if she refuses the invite. NO EXPECTATIONS in Plan A.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I read it ML. I have my conditions and will not let her manipulate me into anything. I will let her know that I will not live in a loveless marriage and if she is willing to do the work necessary to earn my forgiveness, then things can change, but I will not accept her the way things are now and she shouldn't have false hopes. You have to tell her this!!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552 |
Her head is going to pop off when you start telling her what SHE has to do to get YOU back. It is going to blow her out of the water.
Don't expect to see the results of this position just yet. Stick to it and keep let her know every chance you get that she will have to do some major work to win YOU back.
She thought you'd just wait forever for her in a pile of tears...NOT.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552 |
Again...don't let her soften you up with some pathetic apologies or charm. She's trying to seduce you into complacency. Be firm, firm, firm. She cannot come back until conditions are met and you see real action and amends on her part.
Keep telling her this, when the opportunity arises, even though she may scoff in your face.
Don't let the part of you that wants to keep your family intact at all costs take over now. Set the bar high, keep the bar high and let's see if she can jump over it.
She is trying to get a feel for your new, tough approach. Remain vigilant against this crafty opponent.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2008
Posts: 5,437 |
You should add a polygraph to your conditions, as well. I realize that WE all see right through her change of story regarding sleeping with OM, but she needs to know she will not get away with any more lying.
I also think you should go plan B very soon. She is cake-eating and seems to have quite the hearty appetite for cake. Not today, mind you. You need to shore up your Plan A, and that means no more emotional text-messaging. Show her you will be fine without her because you are such a great guy, then cut her off from the cake.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
I don't know about telling her at every opportunity. Should be stated and then MOVE on. Hense the "would you like a cookie?" Question afterwards.
Totally agree with what ML is posting. She is Bang On about it ALL(as always). Remember, Carrot AND stick.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552 |
I agree that in my enthusiasm, I wrote at EVERY opportunity but see now that it's too much harping. James Bond...cool, confident and then change gears to something else...off the topic of the relationship/affair.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
] Dinner is nice. But she is trying to set you up to get you to give her the cell phone password so she can alert her OM to your calls. Go ahead and have all the dinners in the world with her, but don't get into these long winded debates and don't let her manipulate you.
Since bullying you didn't work to get what she wanted she is now trying the NICE route. This is how WW's operate.
Stop asking her if she is willing to work on the marriage becasue it makes you sound needy. You need to give her the conditions I gave you and SHOW HER THAT YOU ARE NOW IN CONTROL OF THE SITUATION.
Here is how you introduce it. Tell her yes, you would like to have dinner as a family, but you don't want to give her any false expectations of a reconciliation. You want to make it clear to her that you do AGREE this will go to divorce unless certain things change. [if she interrupts here, politely say "hear me out, please, no interruptions"] Tell her you have given this alot of thought, and have decided that as it is, there is nothing here to save. You believe things can change if she does alot of work, though. Tell her, you will not settle for a loveless marriage anymore. You would only consider taking her back if certain things happen. Then go through your list of conditions. [go pull up that post of mine]
See, she thinks you will take her back on HER TERMS and that you are at her mercy. That is why you are having so trouble right now. She still believes she is in control, AND SHE IS!!! You need to take back control. If you don't tell her what I said, I will be forced to open up a can of TEXAS WHOOPASS!! And it won't be pretty!!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
Since bullying you didn't work to get what she wanted she is now trying the NICE route. This is how WW's operate.
Mel is much too genteel to explain the prototypical third WW step after "bullying" and "playing nice", but it's usually the dangling of the "bedroom" option. If that happens - Be careful!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Since bullying you didn't work to get what she wanted she is now trying the NICE route. This is how WW's operate.
Mel is much too genteel to explain the prototypical third WW step after "bullying" and "playing nice", but it's usually the dangling of the "bedroom" option. If that happens - Be careful! You mean the nooky card??? Mel<--- genteel my hind end! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
Got it. The only text I've sent since is to let her know my son didn't have football practice. I don't need any Texas whoopins. Took my boys to get haircuts and to the golf driving range. Now we're going to race R/C cars then I'll make dinner. I'm keeping busy and will plan A with success tonight. Thanks for the encouragement.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
I'm making chicken tacos. I vacuumed the house and did some laundry. Wish me luck!
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
320
guests, and
53
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
