Thinking of you and hoping you are well for Christmas!

Hi tough! I heard you on the radio show but I couldn't find your thread to comment. You are amazing and so strong. Your kids are lucky to have you fighting so hard to keep the family together. You can definitely say you have tried EVERYTHING! Best wishes this holiday season! Mehr, blessings to your family as well.

Ahh, I found my old thread. Its been a long time since I've been here, so let me recap. I am 32. My exhusband is 34. The other woman.... I lost track. 26 now? Here is what was in my signature:

EA Starts Nov/Dec 2010... PA Feb/Mar 2011
3/7/11 D-day. WH moved out. Plan A began.
4/10/11 Says he wants to be with us, writes NC letter, shuts down facebook, changes phone numbers, moves home. Didn't quit job where she worked.
4/14/11 WH couldn't make it through withdrawl and returned to her, Plan B begins
6/11 WH files for divorce in response to my request for legal separation and support.


In addition, after pressure from here, I informed his work of the affair. They demoted him shortly after when he made a mistake at work, I suspect the lack of respect is related. As a result when we went to court this year, I had my child support reduced by 1/3 because of his income reduction, despite the fact that he's been promoted again since. So.... wish I hadn't done that. It didn't change their relationship, and I am now deep in poverty with 4 children.

I also did Plan B from 4/14/11 until that following fall.

I went to counseling until I moved too far away.

I moved out of our family home and into town December 2011 after getting into the nursing program. He promptly moved into our family home with her and her kids. They have lived together for coming up on 2 years now. He is a 'daddy' to her 3 kids. He is barely a daddy to our 4 kids.

I stopped Plan B when I gave up. We don't really talk though, only necessary text about children and drop off. He is very rude to me through text, all the time. I suspect she has something to do with that because when we talk in person he is nice.

So... this is the update.

Is there any hope they may yet break up? I am majorly bummed about this since this means someday she'll be at my kids' weddings. Where did we ever get those statistics about how rarely those relationships make it? It seems like all the ones I know do make it. Now he is a 'daddy' to her kids so she has no reason to dump him. And he hinged everything on his relationship with her-- he'd look stupid to break up with her now. She also gets the vast majority of his money and our family home.

P.S. I don't want him back. I just want her gone and for him to find someone else.

They demoted him and then promoted him later on? That sounds off.

Can you have your child support revisited?

(((hugs)))

Hi mehr, so sorry to hear this update. The statistics we gave you are accurate. 95% of affairs die within 2 years and never make it to marriage. Hopefully, this affair will eventually die. My XH is still with his OW after 14 years, so his affair is one of the very few that ever make it. Your H will eventually tire of the OW and find a new one probably.

As far as your child support, you should take him back to court pronto and get more money!

I thought that it was 3 years? The main reason being I remember a poster returning almost 3 years to the day after cutting of contact with his XWW, and he came back because she was suddenly begging contact with him?

Additionally - if Mehr has an open door of contact, even his rude little comments in addition to being "nice" while being allowed to have face-to-face contact is going to feed support to the affair. Either by virtue of a small amount of need meeting, or through his self-invented justifications to continue the affair.

Mehr - the man wrecked your marriage and family, the only sensible recourse is a life-long pitch-black plan B.

In short, he can go Firetruck himself.

The average is 2 years. here

here


AGree..


Agree 1000%!!

Thank you for the update.

I am so sorry you have sacrificed so much in the demise of your marriage.

You did more than many wives in our society to protect and save it. You may feel that it was not worth it but you can be assured that you were a 'keeper' and your ex blew it. He blew it and part of him knows it.

You will never know his inner thoughts. Yes, it seems he is living the life with OW and her kids in your once family home BUT I will bet you that over the coming passing of time, it will turn out that it was a sad and pitiful attempt to recapture a tiny bit of the magic he once had with you.

May you do well in the future and look back on this time in your life as a crucial time of finding your true and powerful self.

You and the kids....may you all do well and have joy and have financial peace in life.

Mehr,
I remember your story as it so closely resembled mine. My WH never came back either and his affair started three years ago as well. He is barely a father to my two boys and only sees them 4 days a month. The OW has no kids so he is living large with no responsiblities as a parent. I want them to break up too...and find someone else. It is the fact it is HER, the OW that broke up your family.
My WH also filed. Go back to court and revisit child support.

You can seek a modification of your child support if his income has increased. Check with your local county court or online resources for your state laws. What is supposed to happen to the marital home per your divorce decree?


That is a lovely sentiment for why a guy would want to stay with his ho...sounds blissful.

Sorry for your hurt. Your ex is a moron.

X2

X3

I am in the current, rather strange, position of attempting to give some guidance to a woman who is now in affairage, and I would like to share with you what it's really like. It's probably not everyone's situation, but I believe it's a pretty typical scenario.

She is someone my daughter knows from church. Our "talks" have been through email, because we live a few states away. We started up our discussion last week. Her mother died when she was 12 and her father lives with his girlfriend on an opposite coast. She's a very pretty young woman who became friends with her now-husband while he was married. That's how it started.

She and her boyfriend started living together a few years ago. She became pregnant shortly thereafter. The little girl is now three. The young woman began attending church and started to examine her situation and felt pretty awful. So in July, she decided she didn't want to live in sin any longer and pressed for marriage, and the "I do's" happened.

The man cheated on his exwife numerous times and doesn't earn a living other than sporadically selling some things at auctions. He has gained 60 pounds since they started living together. She earns the money and cleans the house. She hates being with him, because he is so "selfish, lazy, and inconsiderate."

So I have been advising her as best as I could, trying to think of how Dr. Harley might respond in his respectful logical way of dealing with all the callers. I told her of the rather dismal prospects but suggested a Plan A and to prepare for a possible separation. His love bank balance in her love bank is already low.

She is seriously considering all I have told her and printed out the articles I linked for her. The reason she hates to leave? She feels stupid for having made such a gross mistake and that leaving is admitting it was a mistake. She feels bad about the affair and has nightmares about it now, but believed that they were in love and that since it was for love, it was okay to break up a marriage.

Being married to her affair partner made her feel more accepted, but this young woman is very very unhappy. Her husband sounds like a complete freeloader and does not believe in changing himself to meet her needs.

So....just saying, you don't really know what's going on in the private lives affairages. The ones who are lucky and have really made a go of the affairage often still regret their choice to leave for the AP, because it alienated their children and families.

Yes, they demoted him around October 2011. After working with the lower pay, he applied and got another higher paying position in May 2012. Because he made less money for the first half of this year, when we had our court date last month, his year to date income gave him a lower amount he had to pay. I can't get that changed any time soon because it is a recent change.

He has to put it on the market on March 1 of this year. He is banking that it won't sell and he can get our equity by buying the house for what's left on the mortgage. I am banking that it will sell and we can split the profit. It could go either way.

They've done some landscaping there and have apparently made it their own and he wants to buy it and stay there. I think its really weird, the house that we picked out together and did specific upgrades on that fit my personality as the wife.

To be honest, I don't really care if I am supporting their relationship at this point. I want them to break up, yes, but I don't want to have to do 3rd party contact my whole life. Its his problem if the only thing holding their relationship together is that he sees me twice a month at pick ups. We text when needed for pickup issues. He doesn't ask about the kids or keep up on things. We aren't friends, its all business.

See he wasn't one that cheated over and over. Just once. He was a decent guy, though I have no respect for him now. So it bums me out that she manages to steal a family man and have him raise her kids and they are happy happy. I hope he has some regret, somewhere, though I've never had a hint of it.

Something I do suspect is that most of the text messages are sent by her. It sounds like her syntax and not his. Just a side note.

My XH is still with his OW going on 4 years now. My best friend's XH married his OW and they have been married for 15 years now. My dh's XW is married to one of her OM for 2 years now....lived together for 3.

I am like you...I NEVER want my XH back but I really really really want him and OW broken up. I don't even care if he finds a new girlfriend/wife...just not this one. I too am not seeing the statistic in my own real life...but hey one can always hope.

The statistic is 95% of affairs fail within 2 years. That means 5% DON'T fail, so how are you not seeing that statistic?

In my own life, of the marriages that I know that have failed, more than 5% of waywards are still with their AP 2 years or longer after the affair began.

But that is anecdotal evidence. It is not statistical evidence.