I'm guessing it starts today?

The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.

An analysis of the wayward spouse's childhood or emotional state of mind in an effort to discover why he or she would have an affair is distracting and unnecessary. It takes precious time away from finding the real solutions. I know why people have affairs: We are all wired for it. Given certain conditions, we would all do it. Given other conditions, however, none of us would do it. So the goal of the first step is to discover the conditions that made the affair possible and eliminate them.

After the first step is completed, the second step is to create a romantic relationship between you and your husband using my 10 Basic Concepts here
as your guide. While your relationship may be improving, it won't lead to a romantic relationship because you are not being transparent toward each other. Unspoken issues in a marital relationship lead to a superficiality that ruins romance.

Your nightmares are only the tip of the iceberg. They are but a small reflection of the suffering you experienced when you discovered your husband's affair, and the fear you have that the suffering will be repeated. You have no assurance that the affair is over because you don't even know who the other woman is. You are being asked to trust your husband, who has already proven to be untrustworthy. For all you know, he could be working with her, or you could be going to the same church, or she could be
your neighbor. And since he won't discuss the details of how the affair took place, you have no assurance that another affair will not take its place.

Infidelity is not something that can be swept under the rug. While those who have affairs want to forget about it and move on, those who are betrayed must take very specific steps before they can fully recover. In your case, those steps have not been taken, and as a result, your fear persists. I will send you a complimentary copy of my book, "Surviving an Affair," if you send me your address. It will describe these two steps to you and provide you with a roadmap toward full recovery. But the path will require full disclosure of all details.

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New contact policy... yep, I guess we will see. Of course they can go further underground. Ultimately, if he wants to continue the affair HE WILL find a way. I cannot control every action of his. I have to accept that. And then HE will have to accept the consequences of that which are that he WILL lose his family. If he continues the affair after this he and I are done.

So when does he leave the job? He can't work there anymore.

Where's the forum the teaches you how to "just stay together for the kids" because I can see that that is where we are headed.

YIKES this is not a 'marriage at all costs' forum. Why would you want to teach your children that marriages are fake?

Serial cheaters can change - but they will have to account for all their time, keep themselves very open to scrutiny and probably work from home.

If you arent up for that, you should consider Plan B and Plan D.

Is this his first marriage?

Yes, his first, my first. We married when I was 27 he was 31 and we got pregnant on the honeymoon. I was on the pill but I had messed with the timing of it to try to avoid getting my period on the honeymoon and instead created my beautiful first born son. We've been married 7 years and been together for 11 years total.

Why do you ask? Is because most first marriages don't work out?

So I guess all I can do now is go into plan A

Not true. This is the only option you are willing to take.

Have you still not exposed to OWH?

All I see of the plan B people on here is that they are prolonging an inevitable divorce while their WS happily continues their affairs without facing any of the repercussions of actual divorce and the BS has their life on pause. With a knife in their gut. Sounds great. Plan B for 6 or 7 months? Uh, no - that's called separation pending divorce.

I just feel very defeated & hopeless right now. I see no end in sight. He walks around everyday like nothing is wrong - he is happy, he can eat, he can sleep just fine. I can barely function some days.

Option #2 will not bring him back to me. It will just give him all the freedom to have all the affairs he wants to so I may as well just get divorced.

You can divorce while implementing Plan B. Many Bss do it to protect themselves legally. You can always remarry later or halt the divorce if the plan works on him.

All I see of the plan B people on here is that they are prolonging an inevitable divorce while their WS happily continues their affairs without facing any of the repercussions of actual divorce and the BS has their life on pause. With a knife in their gut. Sounds great. Plan B for 6 or 7 months? Uh, no - that's called separation pending divorce.

Separation usually DOES preceed divorce. Divorce is not instantaneous. Plan B is actually fantastic. It is not a knife in your gut. The main aim of Plan B is to heal, concentrate on one's own life and build a future based on independence. People in Plan B are urged to reshape their careers, look at their bucket list and create an amazing lifestyle for themselves. This go-getting attitude (as opposed to becoming an abused basket case in a drawn out Plan A) will either make them look fantastic to the WS or will make the divorce hurt less when the BS is ready to file.

Meanwhile the WS loses the person who is best at filling their needs. Affairs are not very substantial or satisfying and the loss of the BS makes the waywrd realise that. On the other hand if they do prefer the thrill of affairs over a marriage than they really are a lost cause and should be treated as such.

It is clear you do not really understand Plan B. But thats ok, you have to have enjoyed the healing it provides to really appreciate it. I have been in Plan B for six months. I honestly have never been happier.Your only alternative to Plan B is to Plan A indefinitely which makes you a doormat full of empty threats. Other posters are right - you will have to kick him out and not communicate with him if he continues his affair for him to take you seriously.

I have considered, as a final feeble effort, writing a letter to the OW's BH asking that HE urge HER to leave the job. Do you recommend this?

You should both be communicating with each other regularly with the aim of keeping them seperate, so by all means put this to him. Why not just call him up?

And if that works then yay, OW#1 is out of the picture but what about all the other women in the world?

There are posters on here who have created such integrated lifestyles with their serial cheater that there is no opportunity for cheating. The spouses work togehter or the wayward is retired etc. For example what you say about him leaving the house to meet female clients, that is obviously a no-go. It would need to be a job where he is not alone with women ever. This is not my area of expertise so hopefully someone can give you more detailed pointers on this.

YES I have.

Oh and btw - my WH was FURIOUS when he found out. Said EVERYTHING you guys said he would. And then he calmed down and by the end of that SAME night - he was already saying how it was "probably a good thing".

I was floored. I am a total exposure convert!! Exposure is the absolute BEST thing ever. It's the ONLY reason why there may be a hint of a chance still here. If anyone is in doubt - just do it.

Let us know when you get serious. I refuse to waste my valuable time on someone who is less serious than me about her own marriage. When you start putting your energy into finding creative solutions instaed of creative and elaborate EXCUSES I will know you are serious. This post is not serious, it is stupid.

Good luck on that.

I have considered, as a final feeble effort, writing a letter to the OW's BH asking that HE urge HER to leave the job. Do you recommend this?

Separation usually DOES preceed divorce. Divorce is not instantaneous. Plan B is actually fantastic. It is not a knife in your gut. The main aim of Plan B is to heal, concentrate on one's own life and build a future based on independence. People in Plan B are urged to reshape their careers, look at their bucket list and create an amazing lifestyle for themselves. This go-getting attitude (as opposed to becoming an abused basket case in a drawn out Plan A) will either make them look fantastic to the WS or will make the divorce hurt less when the BS is ready to file.