I appreciated every bit of time you have spent on me and my situation Melody. Without your unrelenting insistence on exposure I would never have done it. It is because of exposure that we have a tiny chance here. It is because of that that I perk up particularly when YOU reply.

Melody is tough. That is how she recovered her marriage. She would never have sat around Plan Aing someone who was unrepentant as your wayward is.

So she advises you not to out of concern for you.

However, once finding out about OW#2 I think some of the solutions presented here fail to address the root of the problem and instead present unrealistic scenarios that are not solutions at all.


Can you honestly tell me that forcing my husband to work from home is a solution to the problem of him being a serial cheater?

Force? It is merely an option for him to enthusiastically seize if he wants a marriage. If not, he's out because you cant live with a serial adultere any other way. Fact.

Remove him from the possibility of communicating with other women in the workplace? That is so unrealistic. How is that even possible - I can't FORCE him to do that! I can demand it, sure, he will say no, and then I have to follow through on my threat and move out. Final outcome = divorce aka he didn't want to be with me anymore anyway because he didn't want to try that hard.

Why would you want to be married to someone who won't make you safe? Who doesnt want to reassure you? Who says no when you offer him a lifeline after what he has done? How dare he say no?I would be RUNNING for the divorce lawyer in this situation. Plan Aing him and saying 'please please please' will NOT work.

If you kick him out, you either get rid of a cheater by forcing him to be repentant before he comes back - or you just plan old get rid of the cheater. Win-win.
If looking for REALISTIC solutions and options here make this post stupid to you Melody, then so be it. It doesn't mean I am not serious about my marriage. Thank you for your help this far - it HAS been invaluable! I hate to lose your input but I guess we've reached a point where you delve into the unrealistically creative solutions that guarantee the above outcome and I am still trying to find realistic ones that MIGHT maybe help.

Hopefully there are others here who CAN offer REALISTIC solutions and are willing to continue to help me. I would really appreciate it and could certainly use the help. If not I am SOL.

So, if anyone is still willing to listen, I ask once again:
would writing to the OW's BH asking HIM to work on getting her out of the workplace be a REALISTIC and advisable course of action?

At least I can start to address THAT part of the problem perhaps a little sooner than waiting for the transfer.

At this point I have very little hope left going by what all of you are telling me here anyway. Because based on what is being said here it has been determined that my WH is:

-a serial cheater and serial cheaters can only be cured by not being anywhere near the opposite sex so they can't be tempted

-the ONLY way we are even at square one is once the work situation changes because only THEN can withdrawal begin and only after THAT can recovery begin

If I sit here and don't Plan A in the meantime, I can guarantee you nothing will get fixed.

You Plan A right up until Plan B begins. Plan A (along with looking and being fabulous) involves warning them they can expect a nasty divorce and you will not be friends afterwards unless they change their ways. Get TOUGH.

But let me ask you this - lets say he quits his job tomorrow and starts working from home... and I am doing a kick azz Plan A what is to stop him from going down to the store and picking up an affair phone and continuing? NOTHING.

If he agrees to recovery conditions you will no longer be in plan A you will be in recovery. In recovery he must do all and everythng YOU require in order to feel safe. Make it one of the conditions he must agree to. This should include a polygraph. You should also keep up your snooping tools, i.e. VARS and GPS

Ok so Plan B is moving out and moving on with the added twist of "oh maybe he'll notice how awesome I am now and come back to me but if he doesn't by the time I realize he's not coming back I won't care any more because I have moved on."

Ok, I get that. That's one option, yes. But like I said, that ends in divorce.

I'm not talking about staying in Plan A forever. I'm talking about giving it another 3 - 4 weeks and once I catch them again -- which now seems inevitable going by what everyone is saying here because like I said, he's NOT going to agree to work from home and never deal with another woman again because that is unrealistic and it certainly wouldn't come to be in 3 - 4 weeks -- then at that point I move on to Plan B which = eventual divorce.

Once again, please explain (not directed at you indiegirl - just in general) how I have that wrong and how that means I am not serious about my marriage and how that is not the point that I am right now - out of other options?

Right, my other options are:
1 - force my husband to quit his job and work at home so that he never leaves the house without me and *hopefully* never sees another living breathing woman again. (You know he actually COULD work from home but it would STILL entail leaving the house and/or meeting with clients that could potentially be female)

2 - move out

Option #1 sounds ultra realistic.
Option #2 is totally possible but you are right - I am not willing to take this option right this second.

Option #2 will not bring him back to me. It will just give him all the freedom to have all the affairs he wants to so I may as well just get divorced. All I see of the plan B people on here is that they are prolonging an inevitable divorce while their WS happily continues their affairs without facing any of the repercussions of actual divorce and the BS has their life on pause. With a knife in their gut. Sounds great. Plan B for 6 or 7 months? Uh, no - that's called separation pending divorce.

I have considered, as a final feeble effort, writing a letter to the OW's BH asking that HE urge HER to leave the job. Do you recommend this?

And if that works then yay, OW#1 is out of the picture but what about all the other women in the world?

Force? It is merely an option for him to enthusiastically seize if he wants a marriage. If not, he's out because you cant live with a serial adultere any other way. Fact.

What will you do after your three four weeks of Plan A?

Plan B?

Plan D?

Plan FU?

If you want to divorce him, just protect yourself and stop him from cake eating by going into B.

And why does Plan B ALWAYS end in divorce in your opinion?

It didnt for sexymamabear and herpapabear.....

Have you read surviving an affair? You dont seem to understand the concepts.

Affairs make waywards happy because you meet 3-5 top needs, the OW usually only meets one or two.

Hence when you go the WS is very unhappy about the loss of those needs you always met.

Marriage Builders has the best plans out there to give your marriage a shot at recovery. And MANY MANY marriages have been saved here and RECOVERED. Recovery doesn't just mean ending the affair, but a whole new way of living.

If you do this right and you end up with an MB marriage, all the OW in the world won't compare to you and will be a non-issue. You'll have a husband who is committed to you ONLY and you to him. It's not easy at first and it takes a lot of courage to try but it's worth it.

Also, if you do this right and you end up in plan B and possibly divorced, you will have recovered YOURSELF and your life will be better than you ever thought possible.

We've already told you the best way for a CHANCE at recovery yet you are choosing NOT to do this and trying to convince the choir why it won't work.

What's left? You stay in a horrible, abusive marriage with a cheater until he finally leave you or you walk out with an empty love bank. That's a painful and unnecessary way to handle your life, especially when you know now that there's another way.

I hope you get it before it too late.

Best of luck to you.

Im gonna give this one more shot.

Options while he refuses to change.

1) Stay in an abusive marriage where the conditons do not change

2) Leave the abusive marriage now because he refuses to change and you are worth more than that.


Which is it?

I just disagree that him working from home is the only solution.

[

Thank you for your input. I think I do get it. I just disagree that him working from home is the only solution.

I believe the 'work at home' idea originally came from YOU, did it not? You were advised that he needed to leave that job in order to get away from OW, and you responded that there would just be another OW at any other workplace.

1 - I will re-start a very good Plan A for about 3 - 4 weeks, during which time I will continue to monitor him.

So what that means is that he is putting me in the position where I am going to have to do it and will probably end up moving out of my house with a 3 week old. And believe me, I've had it. I WILL do it.

I just feel very defeated & hopeless right now. I see no end in sight. He walks around everyday like nothing is wrong - he is happy, he can eat, he can sleep just fine. I can barely function some days. Maybe I should cheat so I could be half as happy as he is right now.

Today I really do just want to leave. Today Plan B sounds wonderful to me right now.

I don't think I was doing a very good job of meeting any of his needs for a long time. Too long. The ones I was meeting were at a bare minimum. Too many withdrawals. Huge negative balance by the time I found out about the EA. KWIM?

4 - At that point I will be about 35 weeks pregnant and almost ready to deliver. I can move out - he won't move out, he's made that clear. SO... I will tell him we are done and that I am moving out as soon as I am recovered from my c-section.

2 kids: 6 y/o & 2 y/o
3rd baby on the way

Yes he is unrepentant. I think it's partly because that's how far I had pushed him away.

Thinking about this quote in the context of a wayward mind ....

1. Deception.
We talk about wayward "fog", which is verbal expression of the self deception that goes on in a wayward mind. Deception which allows a so called "normal" person to commit adultery. "The enemy" is the ultimate liar. What deception does is this, deception makes swallowing a deadly poison seem like a desirable choice. This is the point in adultery where the waywards telling themselves lies might be shocked into reality by exposure. perhaps not, but it is possible. Truth & light are kryptonite to the deception. I am talking about the wayward losing his/her mind.

2. Hardening.
Now, about the wayward's heart. It hardens. The wayward heart becomes callous. The wayward heart becomes closed off and insensitive to the pain and devastation their adultery causes. The wayward can even accept the broken hearts of their own children if that pain supports their adultery. The wayward becomes impervious to empathy. Cry all you want, your tears have no meaning for the hardened heart of a lost wayward. Your tears, your pain only annoy the hardened wayward heart.


3. Destruction.
And finally, the wayward's soul. The sin of adultery destroys the wayward's soul. The spiritual essence of humanity is nowhere to be found in the wayward. Integrity has been cast off in order for the adultery to continue. The wayward does not go on his/her merry way unscathed. The wayward is the most wounded of all. The destruction of a once beautiful soul, now made ugly by sin, is heartbreaking.


There is a progression to this loss.
Humans are vulnerable to temptation.
Temptation feels good.
But, giving into the sin, and living in the sin is life changing.
Soul changing.

We can actually SEE it sometimes.
We can actually SEE the cold eyes of the hardened heart.
We can actually SEE the lifeless eyes of the soulless.