Remind me, GJM - do you have your finances tightened up? She's not getting marital money for her loveshack, is she? You don't want to fund her adulterous lifestyle in any way.

Start working on your Plan B letter so we can help you with it in case you need it. Start considering your candidates for an IM.

I'm not saying she'll miraculously see the light if you stay the course. I'm saying staying the course is the healthiest thing you can do.

As far as OMW's divorce action: she's working smart and is protecting herself. She's also creating a huge conflict in their affair. Good for her! Only time will tell if WW and OM's A falls apart. I suspect it will, but I don't want you proceeding on my thoughts - I want you to follow the plans here to a T. This is your best course of action.

Just because someone files for a D, doesn't mean that they actually get a D.

What you do has NOTHING to do with what your WW is doing. You enter Plan B when it is right FOR YOU. We are getting awfully close to Christmas here, and you aren't quite ready for Plan B, yet.

Do you have any ideas for an IM? How are you going to switch the kidlets? How are you going to stay DARK? Custody and CS(as Tough mentioned)? Do you know your legal rights? What can you legally do?

The seesaw of emotions that you are dealing with right now, won't last once you enter Plan B, but Plan B isn't easy to get into at first.

You are going to need to change your phone numbers, and your email addresses. If you need to keep a phone number for the children to contact you, then you'll need to figure out a way to have contact with them, but not have a hole for WW to creep through. Waywards HATE HATE HATE Plan B. They do ANYTHING and EVERYTHING to exploit whatever perceived weakness they can. You need to stay STRONG on your side to ensure No Contact. It will be vital to YOUR recovery.

When you are picking an IM, will you need one that can switch the children for you, or could you use someone who communicates through email, allowing them to be anywhere in the world? That is the type of IM I have. She was a member here, and she has been my IM for a year now(I went through 2 RL IM's in 1 year). The backbone to a SPECTACULAR Plan B is a GREAT IM. Whomever you choose, we will be happy to help them through it.

Excellent point. Many WWs feel that they are entitled to be supported by their BHs, even after D. Waiting on what the WW might do next is a good way to give them the advantage.

And if you do decide to do the custody thing, keep a very strict journal of what she does for the kids. Good, bad, it all goes in there. Journals like this will help your case immensely.

Even though you are in CA, if you ever file for a legal sep or D, or WW files, you can ask in the initial filing or response for full legal and physical custody,financial or child support, even though you are the man.
It does't mean you get it in the wash.....but......there are boxes to check by each.
An attorney would be silly to say you can't or that just cause it isn't usual and practise in your state or county you shouldn't.
YK?

As to the OMW filing.....good for her. It may make the affair go on warp factor in action and that may possibly help it see how dysfunctional it could be. Who knows? Not you, not them, not us.....oh......time will tell.

Stay the course.

I'll try to answer everything as well as ask questions of my own.

Finances-I'm obligated to pay a certain amount each month. That money usually goes toward bills. She is not responsible so I know if I just give her the money, my credit will go down the tubes and I don't know if paying bills is considered support. She cannot make it without my help so I will see what the minimum I can pay is.

Custody-I will need to request the court grant me temporary custody based on the best interests of the children. I have no money to pay an attorney so I will be self represented. I'm not sure how that will play out because the attorneys I've spoken to here say pretty much the same thing. They ask if she is unfit. I feel she is, but it's not enough for the courts. I can say that the children's behavior has changed and their grades have gone down, but it can be said that it's because of the separation. The only thing I can tell the judge is that she threatened to leave with the children, but it may not work because we've been on a schedule already.

IM-I don't know of anyone that would be willing to be the IM at this time. I'm not even sure I would be allowed to do that, given my military status.

Plan B-I am working on the letter and will post it here when it's done. I can go into it before Christmas. I don't have a problem with that. I can't say I'll be able to see my kids that day if I do that, but we had agreed to share the day if we didn't do it together. The children wanted to spend the day together at my place and WW was going to make a meal. If I implement Plan B, my IM may not even be around to to a drop off. I would risk breaking the Plan.

Thoughts?

Even self represented, those boxes are there so you can check them (full custody legal, full custody physical) if there is paperwork.

I'll let others brainstorm on your Plan B issues.

I originally filed and checked the boxes for shared joint/physical custody. I would have to submit a summons to show cause now. I held on to the divorce papers before serving them. I then received a rejection notice on the papers showing that she was served because I didn't provide two copies. Now I have to serve them again. I will contact a lawyer and see if they will give me free information regarding ammending the original divorce papers.

If you can't get an IM before Christmas, then you won't enter Plan B before then. It is useless to say that you won't have any contact with her, and then have contact. She won't take you seriously.

Why wouldn't you be able to do Plan B because of the military?

Because they may make me attend mediation or not want to deal with her if she comes to them. They would rather I deal with her.

Dr Harley deals with the military often. Maybe he could help guide you through this. Why don't you email Joyce and try to get on the radio show?

Now, brainstorm about the IM. Who could you use? As I said, it doesn't necessarily need to be anyone near you. How old are your children?

An IM could handle all dealing with her for you and for the military to avoid direct dealings with her. The IM is your voice handling all factual issues of finances/kids.
That is what an IM does. That is what they are for. Facts passed on each way. No emotional embellishment of any fact.

Mediation. If you are required to do it for whatever reason the military somehow requires it, you do it and are matter of fact during it. No love busting. No chit chat that is not pertinent to any issue during it. Factual. Addressing issues of the seperating of assets or organization of custody. Attractive. Strong. Brave.

Then you retreat to your plan B haven.

I think that would be a good idea.

Ages 13, 11, 8

I emailed the radio show. Hopefully I'll hear back soon.

Dr Harley responded to my email and told me to give it two years and it sounded as if my marriage will not survive because there has been more than one affair. He said he would send me a copy of SAA.

Now I feel terrible. I have to attend a concert for my son. When things like this come up, how do I Plan B in the future for events? I've stared at my computer trying to put together the right words for my love letter and I can't seem to gather them. I fear my WW has fallen further into her fog. She's talked about another man already. Maybe to cover for the one that's in trouble, but IDK. She has stated that she doesn't want to be like her mom, but she's already starting. How can a person just move on like that? I know that she will be lost for a long time if she keeps this up. My poor kids...

GJM,

So sorry for your sitch...I hope you find peace in plan B.

ba

Glad Dr. Harley responded to you.

I am sorry for your situation. I have followed your thread closely although I've had little to contribute. I've never seen a better plan A or exposure. You can leave this marriage knowing you did everything you could to save it.

Lots of vets will be along to tell you how to Plan B if that is what you want to do. I never did that. I went straight to Plan D and although I limit exposure to my WXH (and can see the benefits) I never did a plan B.

I can tell you that my dh's biggest regret at this point (3 1/2 years since his WXW filed for divorce)is that he didn't fight for custody even if it meant going deeply into debt. It may be impossible for your situation and your state, but just wanted to tell you what he thinks 3 1/2 years down the road.

My biggest regret is that I didn't divorce my WXH sooner. I stuck it out for 26 years. Life does indeed go on and I am happily remarried now.

I also remember sitting in front of my computer contemplating writing a Plan B love letter and conditions for recovery. It was then, along with continuing to find out how devious he was, that I knew I was done.

My best to you friend.

I could continue to plan A, but I don't think it will help my WW wife any longer. She will think it's her opportunity to take advantage or manipulate me. I think she needs to feel the results of her actions. Maybe in the final hour of divorce, she will see what she has lost. I love her dearly, but she's immature and childish right now and she's just thinking of her and using my children as dollar signs. I'm definitely in for a battle. She won't give up the kids without a fight. She thinks she's the best fit parent for them. Lots of thinking ahead of me that's for sure. Thanks for the support. I will keep praying for her and us.

Okay, I asked about the ages of your children because my children were 6 and 9 when I entered Plan B and the way I do exchanges is that my WH comes to the house, calls the home phone to let them know he is here, I kiss them at the door, they leave and I lock the door behind them. When they return home, they say their goodbyes on the sidewalk, they wait for my WH to start driving away and then they knock on the door. It works quite well so I can control the fact that I don't see WH. Could you do soemthing like that?

In the future, at events for your children, you and your WW won't be able to attend. You'll need to negotiate that with her through the I.M.

I know how hard it is to write the Plan B letter, that's why I pretty much used the one from SAA.

I understand why DrH suggests 2 years. This coming Sunday will be 2 years in Plan B for me, and I am much more healed than I ever could have been had I not entered Plan B

You could enter Plan B and at any time change your Plan to Plan D.

What? Are you sure that's what he said? Did you explain thoroughly your whole situation?

I still think your WW will come home. I'm not sure what Dr. H. is referring to about the two years thing.