That is because most people here are not going to help you on a destructive path. It is my personal policy to not throw a drowning person an anchor even though that is what the person wants and desires. If the drowning person wants a livesaver, I am there with bells on!

Take care.....

I guess I'll just keep on reading then...
I have tons of threads that I am reading:
FR, notable posts, boundaries, that I think will be very helpful. If there are any others that anyone cares to recommend I am listening...

We did discuss his boundary issues with women and he is addressing that. If him not working with other women is the "fact" that is going to make me out to be the one "not taking the necessary steps" then so be it. I guess all the recovered serial cheaters that were on here no longer work with the opposite sex? Maybe that really is the only path to recovery for us but right now it is totally unrealistic and that only leaves one alternative path for us: divorce.

Thank you everyone for your time and input. I'm sure I will still have questions and hopefully some of you will still answer [with the understanding that I am at step 0, I know that]

Right. It is up to you to protect your own boundaries, not him.


Only if he won't agree to your boundaries would it lead to divorce. And if he doesn't, you are headed to divorce anyway.


Exactly. If that is what it takes, they is what they do.

Actually Dr H recommends the first thing a betrayed spouse does is get a therapist in case they need ADs and a lawyer to protect both themselves and their finances from the abusive behaviour of a wayward. Many people (including myself) filed for a D when going into Plan B purely to protect themselves legally. If you are not keen on filing for a D, I would simply say that you do not want to file, you simply need him to leave until he goes complete NC. Tell him if you have to file, you will. That should get rid of him and that will mean you do not have to do Plan D unless he refuses to go, in which case you should for self-preservation.

I would get legal advice anyway in preparation. If he forces you to file by refusing to leave, remember that he can stop divorce proceedings at any time by agreeing to proper recovery conditions. If it takes him ages to see the light and you are divorced by that time, you can always remarry.

I don�t know if it is different where you are, but here in the UK the person who files (you) has the most control over how long a D takes. It also sends a strong message following Plan A, i.e. �Shape up quick, make it happen or you will find yourself divorced from the best person you have ever known�.

[/quote]

I didn't say I wasn't going to read your thread, I said I wouldn't tie up your time reading advice you don't wish to hear

What I meant by my quote is that he realizes that the consequences he's facing aren't that bad. He's still got you, the house, the kids, his job - he hasn't lost anything. Oh, he hasn't lost OW either, btw. He just knows to be sneakier next time so he doesn't get caught and have to deal with your anger.

Thank for the replies... taking it all in.

Question: was this a LB or letting the consequences of his actions fall on him:

Had an OB appt today...OB knows what's going on b/c of the STD panel and well, baby's health of course! WH knows that OB knows so he asked. And continued to pry - so what did the Dr say? I knew what he was asking.

"My Dr said you are stupid and to tell you he said so."

Well...you can imagine what happened next. The cruelty that came out of his mouth though...tells me exactly how wayward he still is. Of all the revolting things he spewed at me after that, the winner definitely was "Waaah for the pregnant girl".

I stayed calm, did not get angry, did not let anything else out.

As long as the politics of your situation matters more than your sanity, personal recovery or marital recovery, can you even wonder why he has the license to abuse you like this?

Start telling us the worst case scenario if this whole thing blows up - and get real. Can THAT be any worse than what you're going through right now?

Seriously. If you have the ability to succeed in that kind of career there are avenues to transfer that skill into other realms of private sector work. Get your resume and ducks in a row, get it in circulation and blow that dang situation up in HIS face. He still has to provide. Let him figure out how. STOP PROTECTING THAT YAAAAAHOOOOOOO!

I have to agree Pieces of Me, He thinks he has you over a barrel because of your circumstances. You may have to chew off a limb in order to get out of the trap he has set for you, i.e. the job, the house. Maybe get somewhere to rent, or stay with friends until you can make your WH support you legally



Disgusting, totally disgusting. But good job not falling into the 'anger trap' he set for you.

What did he EXPECT the doctor to say? Oh its not a big deal when a parent endangers their unborn child?

BTW - you misunderstand: Plan B and Plan D are not mutually exclusive choices. You can file for divorce to force him out so that you can Plan B and start to recover your sanity.

His High And Mightiness needs a comeuppance and filing for divorce and going to ZERO contact after you force him out of the house is the best thing for doing just that. Asking for possession of the house right now, in light of his harassment of a woman in your condition should be a cake-walk now.

You know, I'm finally getting there.

I have started playing out the worst case scenarios in my head and what I'm thinking is that if I wait until I'm on maternity leave, they legally can't fire ME though they can let him go if they see fit but at the very least, they can address the situation.

Me losing my job with 3 kids AND divorcing at the same time - yes, definitely worse than this. I know he has to provide but I am not the type of person to depend on someone else. I need to be able to support myself and my children.



Yup - realizing this now. That is what I will have to do if/when I have to implement Plan B.

Should I ask him to read SAA?

I wouldn't at this point. He's not ready to survive an affair. He wants to drown in it, actually. A man who can say what he said to you isn't open minded enough to consider preserving his marriage yet.

That's why I would get a check up from your doctor and start maternity leave early due to your condition (medical release), file for divorce, have him removed from the home, deliver Plan B letter, and have him locked out of the delivery room, and frankly out of the hospital when that time comes. The sooner the better with this beast.

Oh - and don't forget - you are NOT unemployable. Get yourself situated into a new job within 3 months of this baby coming. Plan and prepare to be independent, but make sure you get him locked into child support and day care.

When you turn the corner on this, you will start thinking more on your assets and capabilities and less on limitations. You want any hope of serenity, you start the ball moving toward starting your own consulting company, public relations or otherwise, and it's an election year so there are tons of customers out there, work quietly behind the scenes and get yourself a pay raise to boot.

Let him wallow in his sickness all he wants, but you get yourself clear of his cesspool!

So you already have a business off the ground.
Kayla is right -- you can explain to your OB that OW is at your work environment, and that is causing you lots of stress.
Ask for an STD panel to reinforce the idea that your husband is running around. Your OB will put you on a short-term disability until you go into labor.

Then you can focus on your other business and get it to a point where it can support you.

File for divorce, custody, use of your home, and financial support. Your WH needs a BIG wake-up call.

I just detest waywards that are not remorseful and continue to abuse! And especially you -- carrying his baby! What an AZZ!

x2.

Not to mention, Dr Harley says that unless a WH comes to you on bended knee and with hat in hand that you are basically wasting your time and that he is not serious.

Ugh. Ok I think I know where I am and what I need to do.

Prepare for Plan B so I am ready to execute when the time comes. Continue with Plan A for another couple of weeks.

What I'm struggling with at the moment is how to continue Plan A for another couple of weeks without checking out emotionally in order to protect myself from his continued emotional abuse.

Example...I am having a very weak day today, I admit. It's days like today where I KNOW I would be handling things so much better if I wasn't pregnant. The emotions are out of control. It infuriates me too because it's how I know he's taking advantage of my situation. So of course... major LB... a needy whiney, weepy moment this morning. The slap in the face was when he said to me "You can't keep me if I don't want to be kept". His arrogance makes it EASY for me to just check out.

But I know that if I do, there IS no hope of recovery, because basically we know he's not in love with me right now and I'll be intentionally trying to NOT be in love with him anymore. Plus it'll be LB city from me...

How do I find that balance? I used to know how to do this, how to handle him. Where did that part of me go? Advice?

You don't find balance, you find PLAN B. Trying to endure abuse is not wise, my dear. He has already taken a huge toll on you and it is getting worse very FAST. Most women cannot endure it for more than 3 to 4 weeks and that is when they start having nervous breakdowns and serious physical problems. And it will come on fast.

Hon, you need to abandon Plan A and get into Plan B sooner rather than later. You also have an issue of you working together, so I would be thinking of ways to resolve that problem. SEeing him at work will be a nightmare that will completely negate the purpose of Plan B.

I would agree with him and ask him to go. Pack his bags up and when he comes home tell him, you are absolutely right. I cannot keep you. Your behavior is so painful to me that I would appreciate it if you would leave. I have packed your bags and I am asking you to leave. Give me some peace from this continual hurt and betrayal."

Then go to your boss and tell him what has happened. Tell him being around your H is tearing you down emotionally and you have asked him to move. Ask him to either let you work from home or move to a place where you won't be exposed to your H, becauase seeing him and his OW CREATES A HOSTILE WORK ENVIRONMENT FOR YOU. <--------------MAGIC WORDS

Once you have him out and are not seeing him at work, THEN go into Plan B.

Dont be so sure. Plan A has a three-week limit for a reason. I only did two weeks and toward the end I was ready to have him shot.

The only thing I can suggest is use it to EMPOWER yourself with. The uglier his statements, the smarter your reverse fog babble can be, (read orchids thread on reverse fog babble) YOu only get this one opportunity to TELL IT LIKE IT IS.

i.e. FOG BABBLE: "You can't keep me if I don't want to be kept".

REVERSE FOG BABBLE: "Yes, I think you ARE going to wind up divorced. I hope youll be ok"

OR "That's right you wont be able to keep me under these circumstances. I hope you come to your senses before I move on."

Could you consider a temporary location for Plan B in the meantime? Vacation for those few weeks, move into a friends spare room?

If you feel you cant Plan A, you have to get out before you blow your top an become the 'psycho' all waywards think they are married to.

Agree with Mel. Dr Harley has spoken on the radio show about how many women will have immune system issues down the road after enduring a Plan A longer than a few weeks (tired, unable to get out of bed, etc) Why would you risk that?

As for getting WH out of your house, I called my MIL, both times, in '07 and this past time after telling him he was going to have to leave.

After telling them what he was doing, I asked for their support and added something like: I don't see why the kids and I should have to suffer more due to HIS poor choices and try to find another place to live. *and* He knows what he needs to do in order to fix this and he refuses to do so.

I do not think you will get as much resistance as you think from WH. I think he just knows that he can bully you. I would just pack up his stuff, change the locks and call your in-laws or anyone else that could help you.