Well, some of you have followed my thread on the "Surviving An Affair" page. I got paperwork yesterday that our divorce is now final. So here I am, LEGALLY single again.

What's next? I don't know.
What does the future hold for me? I don't know.
Will my now WxW ever wake-up? I don't know.
Will she eventually have to face the consequences of her actions? I believe so.
Will I survive? YES!!!

As I sit here on Christmas morning, I recognize I did everything I could to piece things back together, to break her out of the fog, to pull my family.back together. I did all I could.

Welcome. I'm sorry.

And, Merry Christmas!!

Mark,

Welcome to the dark side !!!!!!

It's way more fun than all the drama of trying to save a dead marriage, I'm 14 days from mine being done. The thing I let my mind go to is why I filed in the first place, and that that hasn't changed. I find comfort that I did everything in my power to save our marriage and that's all anyone can do.

I spent time with the STBXWW's family this afternoon, my FIL told me again that he considers me his son and is completely on my side. It made my Christmas a better one.

We will all have good days and bad ones, but know your through the worst of it. The fact that you know you did all you could is the most important part. You can hold your head high that you honored your marriage vowels, as I tell you this I tell myself the same thing, that you should be proud of what you have done in spite of suffering the worst thing a person can do to another person.

Hope you'll hang with us here, always good to have another voice in the mix.

Merry Christmas

SC

Thanks, SC. I didn't file. She did because I caught her and she refused to stop using the "your controlling" and "you invaded my privacy" crap. Until the very end, I still didn't want the divorce but there was nothing more I can do. She did believes her life will be so much better with someone else instead of me and I can't change that.

As far as the in-laws, none of them have really spoken to me since exposure. They all say I fought for my marriage the wrong way by exposing because it made my WxW angrier. Instead of showing disappointment for her actions, they simply said "she can do what she wants b/c she's grown". I go to church with mil and aunt and they don't even speak (aunt says hello occasionally).

I thought it would be easier after a yr of fighting, trying to survive it all, to just say "here's your freedom" and let her go. But today was HARD. I can't believe these feelings are so strong for her after all this time, after all she's done, after all she's put me through. I can't believe I still love her like I do.

Today, I hurt the worst I've hurt in many, many months.

Hi,
I'm sorry you went through this. My WH filed as well and I was thinking about him on Christmas. It is very hard bc we love our (x)spouses even though they do/did so much to hurt us. You are not alone in this. You know that you are surrounded by people here on MB that understand & care.

I hope you will have a great new year!

Thanks Erica. It was very hard yesterday. Especially seeing her whole family yesterday and being treated like just someone they know passively after being a part of the family for 12 years. Hearing everyone talk about the family dinners was tough when I have no family within 1000 miles.

By the way, I like your message at the end of your sig. I basically feel the same way. Restoration IS possible but only through God.

My heart goes out to you, Mark. You will need support to get through this, and I'm very sorry that your in-laws have callously dropped you. At least you know their true qualities.

Do you have children? (Sorry, I have not read your other thread.) If not, do you have a support network of close friends and family who can distract you from your pain during this very difficult Holiday season? If yes, get in your car now.

At this point, if there is no hope for reconciliation you have to take care of yourself and start moving forward. If you have kids focus on them when you have them. You should also get the support of family and close friends if you haven't already. I can't imagine going through this alone. Being around close friends and family will help you keep your mind off of your ex. That and my faith has been my saving grace over the past few months. I'd also recommend volunteering and getting busy with projects. Keep yourself focused on things that are constructive. Though you are still in a grieving process that you must let unfold naturally (let time do her work), another door is opening for you. Don't rush through it, but begin moving toward it. By the way, I believe that offering our suffering as a sacrifice to others can lighten the burden and help us find a new purpose.

I hope that the rest of the holidays are better for you. Starting today, push thoughts of your ex and in-laws out of your mind when they come to the forefront. They sound like lost causes to me. Not worth your energy at this point. Make a concerted, conscious effort to not let yourself be owned by hurt and anger that was not of your making. Put your thoughts and emotions into something worthwhile! I dropped a thread here about managing my hurt and resentment, and after some soul searching and reflection, I mustered the wherewithal to push those things away. (Well, I'm not letting them dominate my thoughts anymore.) Simply put, I chose to pursue happiness, and drive away despair. I'm getting much better because of this decision. Good luck!

Peace.

Thanks for your words. I know that I simply have to take it a day at a time.

The issue with the inlaws did bother me greatly but what can I do about it? What bothered me the most is they are all "professing" Christians and instead standing against wrong, they excused her behavior by saying "that's what women do when they are fed up" (referring to her adultery).

As far as children, we have a daughter and I'm just trying to be the best father I can right now. I have no other choice.

You say "if" there is no chance at reconciliation. There is. But there are many obstacles like her recognizing and accepting her faults and responsibility for our marital breakdown, ending her adulterous relationship, and recommitting herself to living a Godly life. None of those things I can control so I just have to accept things the way they are.

As far as support, I don't really have much. No family lives within 1000 miles. I have a couple of friends whom I can talk to. The keeping busy part has its challenges. Right now I work 2 jobs to support myself. I don't get much opportunity to just have fun. I had to miss all of the Christmas parties because I had to work.

It'll get better sooner or later. I just have to hang on.

The rollercoaster ride will continue even with the D final but you will grow a new social network to help cope and try to release judgment of her family and others who didn't support you trying to save the marriage. God is their judge, not any of us.
Focus on your health, your child, your work, your being open to new friendships and let the future unfold for you.

Keep going to church, keep reading your bible on a daily basis. We all know that just because the d is final, it doesn't mean that this roller coaster ride is over.

I also have no family around. Mine are also more than 1000 miles away...and it sucks to go through all of this without your blood close by.

I am sorry your former in-laws gave you the cold shoulder. I didn't get a phone call from my MIL for the first time ever, and I know its due to me and WHs pending divorce.

I feel exactly the way you do, all we can do is take things one day at a time.

I live near my family and best friends & have a very good support system, and sometimes, it's still very hard, so I can imagine how tough this must be for you...

mark, I know you don't have much free time but have you looked into DivorceCare? They have a website and you can search for groups that meet in your area, and I have seen it recommended here on the forums. Am waiting until after the holidays to join one.

Hang in there!

I'm doing the best I can. Yes, time is very limited and so is money so my recreational options aren't many. I'm a minister, so doing the club thing is not for me.

I checked and the nearest divorce care place is 1/2 away on a night I work. So much for that.

I'm gonna keep plugging along. Right now, its tougher than I imagined. We've been separated for over a year but the finalization has caused some emotional I'd thought I'd moved beyond to resurface.

I just have to keep thinking, one day at a time...

I posted something similar on my other thread but I'm ending 2011 on a fairly good note. I came into some money so I literally going "out with the old and in with the new".

I came into a little cash so I'm doing a major wardrobe Makeover. I hadn't spent any money on myself in over a year (really didn't have the ability). But I did it BIG over the last couple days. I know they say "clothes don't make the man" but they have definitely made me feel alot better.

Just gotta keep moving....

It does feel good sometimes. I bought something I have wanted for 10 years and when I wear it, I just feel better. Good for you keep on keepin on!

Oh Mark, I'm sorry. I know you tried, the problem is that it takes 2 with a commitment to rebuild a M unfortunately your WW choose the latter.

Hey I will be joining the single club again soon myself. So when we fill out new paperwork do we check the box that says D or single?

I know its hard but focus on DD and planning what you want out of your life.

I've often wondered that myself, how "divorced" is different from single as far as forms go.

You have to start with a new life don't bother yourself you have to move on and enjoy...

So its been a little more than 3 weeks since the D was final. Everyday has seemed to be better than the day before. I've been getting tons of compliments on my new wardrobe. My finances are starting to look up. I've started counseling other couples. I'm doing things for myself.

With no family and few real friends here, it is difficult at times (I'm a minister in a small town and I don't do the club or bar thing). I still haven't seen or spoke to xWW in about 7 months other than seeing her in court. I do still love her and hope that one day she'll see the light but in the meanwhile, I'll continue to stand for my marriage.

It sounds like you're doing well. I'm so happy for you!

I'm really curious, though, what does it mean to stand for your marriage? I'm not being snarky or anything....I've seen so many reactions to divorce from people who jump into the next relationship about 10 minutes after the divorce is filed all the way to those who remain bitter for a lifetime. What's your plan?

What does it mean? I found a great explanation for "standing"

Standing is a conviction of the Spirit to believe and to have faith in God to work in a person or situation that the world either says is impossible or all signs point away from what God is telling you. You �stand� when you have strong conviction that it is the �right� thing to do according to God�s Word. God�s perfect will is outlined in His word. When we try to live according to his Word, we are trying to live in His perfect will.

Though the bible clearly spells out God�s plan and will for marriage and family and His thoughts on divorce and separation, God also does not want you to have an unhealthy relationship. For that reason, �standing� is much more than just asking God to bring back a spouse. It is about standing for *all* of the changes that need to take place in your marriage. He wants your marriage to be a healthy marriage for both husband and wife. In �standing� you are actively working to purify yourself so that you can be the spouse that God has called you to be. You are also standing in the place of your spouse and interceding for them in prayer that God may also work in them to make them the spouse God has called them to be. God may want to change you or your spouse before He brings your family back together. It is critical that while you are faithfully standing for your marriage, that you are also allowing God, day by day to change and purify your life.

Above all you must understand that in �standing� your faith must be in God and not in your spouse. Your spouse has a free will and God will not control them back to you, but if you stand for your marriage you are trusting God to work in the situation and you will know that you are doing all that you can do to stand for what is right and oppose what is wrong. In the end, Christ will be glorified before man and God will bless you no matter what your spouse does! The following 10 steps outline what we must do to �stand� for our marriages.

1) Praying and Trusting God � As is implied in the word, to �stand� for your marriage means that you will pray for the restoration of your marriage and trust God in that restoration. We know that divorce is not God�s will and if we ask in accordance to His will He will be faithful to hear us.

2) Work on your Problems and Purify Yourself � Marriages don�t fall apart by accident. They fall apart because we fail. Most of the time, that failure is a cooperative effort between both partners in the marriage even if one party is more at fault than the other. You must take an honest assessment of your life and your marriage and look for your own shortcomings. Whether you or our spouse are �mostly� at fault for the state of your marriage, you must look for areas where YOU can improve and commit yourself to work on those areas. You should seek council from your pastor or qualified Christian councilors about your problems and how you can be restored from past failures in your marriage. In addition to problems that may have directly hurt your marriage you should examine your whole life and seek to �purify� yourself from all sin. Don�t just �ask for forgiveness� but truly REPENT (or turn away from) the sins in your life. Depending on your situation that may mean making dramatic changes in your lifestyle. You should not put yourself in a situation where you could be tempted to fall back into the sin. As all Christians should do, we should constantly be examining our lives for ways that we can improve and become more �Christ- like.�

3) Find someone to hold you accountable � Don�t work on your problems in a vacuum. Don�t run from your church, family or your friends or the people who know you best. Seek counsel from your pastor and confess your sins and shortcomings to him so that he may help you in your walk toward restoration. Find a close friend or two with mature Christian walks and ask them to hold you accountable. This step is absolutely critical in cases where habitual sins, like alcoholism, or drugs have plagued your life. Humble yourself and pledge your full openness and honesty to those who will hold you accountable. Do not however, go around telling intimate details of relationship with everyone you know. Be careful of your motives that you are not simply trying to �rally� support.

4) Pray for your Spouse � As mentioned above, failure in marriage is usually a cooperative effort. But you cannot, and should not try, to change your spouse. Instead you need to constantly hold them up in prayer. Intercede for them.

5) Bless those who curse you � During the time that you stand for your marriage, Satan will often try to discourage you. Satan wants your marriage to fail and he�s willing to make you miserable just to get you to give up. He hates your faith in God and he will find people to attack and mock your faith. When you are being attacked, know that God is faithful when we call upon his name and that He is the reason for our joy. Don�t just turn the other cheek but also lift the attacker up in prayer. Speak blessings over them. Psalms is a good book to read during these times. Often, attacks are a sign that God is working in the situation. Rejoice in that!

6) Learn from the past but move on � Sometimes, in severe conflicts, your spouse or the people around them will dredge up past sins, problems and issues in your life. Treat this as an opportunity. Anything brought up against you should be discussed with your pastor or counselor. Examine yourself and make sure that problems of the past will always stay in the past and that history will not repeat itself. Severe conflict is a time to �burn� up and completely destroy the sins of your past. Don�t miss the opportunity!

7) Walk in Forgiveness �It is important to forgive. Whether it is forgiveness for the transgressions that led to your current crisis or transgressions that are occurring because of the crisis, make sure that you release it all to God. If you have difficulty releasing forgiveness, you must seek counseling on the matter. Unforgiveness will lead to a hardened heart. Don�t let unforgiveness hinder your stand!

Reach out to others � Resist the temptation to turn completely inward during your time of standing. While this should be a time of introspection, repentance, and healing, you must also keep from letting your circumstances overwhelm you. Get involved in your church. Attend church at every opportunity and volunteer yourself to help others. Helping others will help you. How you stand for your marriage can be a tremendous blessing and ministry to those around you particularly if you are making a dramatic turnaround from past sins in your life. You should not, however, be in a position of leadership at this time (see 1 Timothy 3 for more on qualifications of overseers and deacons.) instead, heep yourself completely submitted and accountable to your Church leaders in anything that you do. You should approach everything as if you are �young� or �newly renewed� in Christ but don�t be hindered from doing good deeds.

9) Keep yourself humble � When you follow the steps above you will find yourself growing rapidly in Christ. Your Christian walk will improve dramatically. This is often is very stark contrast to the complaints that your spouse still holds against you. If you are in a severe conflict. Your spouse may not want to see your changes or they may not believe your changes are real. Until your differences can be resolved, you must work and pray extra hard for humility in your walk with Christ. Few things will alienate others from Christ like hypocrisy or the appearance of hypocrisy in a believer.

10) Comply with the legal process � This is perhaps the most difficult step of all for many reasons. As Christians we should try to settle our disagreements, including those over marriage, in the church among believers.


I know this was quite lengthy, but my feeble attempt at trying to explain it wouldn't have done it justice.