Thank you for all the input!

Will address other replies later but need quick help if anyone can:

What is the best way for OWH and I to handle the infidels knowing about our open lines of communication? Don't tell them, openly tell them? Should my WS and OWH talk? He seems to want to... I have nothing to say to skank and absolutely no desire to talk to her whatsoever.

I guess it depends on what he wants to say to OWH. If he's going to apologize and OWH wants to talk then they should. I'd do it in a public place though... For safety reasons.


As far as comm between you and OWH, I wouldn't broadcast it, but don't hide it either. Just let it be for now if you can.
CV

OWH wants to talk to WS or the other way around? If the former, I'd encourage it.

Cause trouble in the affair whenever possible. I'd tell your WH that you've talked to OWH.


You could call her to curse her out and tell her to stay the hell away from your husband. It probably won't do any good, but might cause some distress in the affair and may make you feel better. I did to my FWW's OM. It was strangely cathartic.

What kind of woman is she? Lol, never in a billion years would I have thought my husband would take his EA physical, especially not with "her" Yet that EA became a PA right under my nose. And yes, in a parked car most of the time. So, ya, never underestimate the OW. They will give it up anytime and anywhere. How romantic...blech.

Why are you still trying to create your own plan? Communicate with the OWH for security, then get the heck out of his life. He needs to work on his life.

Your BS should only call/meet him once to apologize, then get the heck out of his life.
This poor slob has been abused enough, help him with info you can.. Then leave him alone.
Do you understand triggers? Every time you talk OW/OWH with your BS.. YOU are the one causing the trigger.

Are you even reading the content on this site? I gather that you dont much understand the idea behind MB at all.... This thread is waaaaaay too many pages long for this type of confusion.

What do you are wanting is for us to help you plan-W. "whatever". Does not work, here.

If you ask MB questions, I am sure we can help you.

Be loud and proud. Let them know you are in continual contact and will be staying in touch to keep tabs on the cheaters.

You know, I would've never thought I'd want to talk to the OW either. However, she called me and I had quite the conversation with her. It was very cathartic. I stayed calm and classy while she was all over the place. I was firm with her and told her exactly what she could expect from me. I also advised her on how to work on her own marriage!

I wouldn't have wanted a 2nd conversation - but I'm glad I got to speak my mind.

Done. Thank you.

WH wasn't happy about it, of course, but too bad. And the fallout is never as bad as you fear or as bad as the WS makes you think it will be. Anyone out there doubting this step - just do it.

It's the OWH that wants to reach out to my WH, not the other way around.

We've compared notes and everything adds up. I uncovered no new information but I now have an ally and that is good.

By all means, then, give him his cell phone number! Don't forget his email address, office number and employer's address.

Seriously, do it if you haven't already.

I did get that the night I caught them together.

But that's all irrelevant now as long as he still works with her.

He has it all. OWH said he was going to take a few days to figure out exactly what he wants to say.

How about...stay the f away from my wife or there's going to be hell to pay!

I sure hope OWH isn't going to try to be nice and reason with him. *Ugh*

Your right about that, PoM, as long as he still works with her you can consider the affair still active. There's no way he can totally separate from her and still be around her.

It will be verrrrry interesting to observe your husband reaction to being confronted by other-womans-husband.

Will it be:

1. Waaaaaaah for the OW's husband. or
2. Thank you sir, may I have another?

That will definitely show his level of remorse.....

Waiting for an update ......

From what he told me, OWH wants to basically knock some sense into him about the fact that the A would go nowhere. But my WH knows that. I think that in my WH's perfect world he and I would just "stay together for the kids" and he would just continue his affair (or affairs) whenever he wanted.

Anyway as far as an update...ok here goes...(I'm prepared for the 2x4's):

I'm kind of stuck on pulling the trigger on Plan B at the moment. His trip got pushed back TWO weeks now so I can't retrieve my intel until then. I'm trying to come up with a way where I can without getting caught.

So now I'm kind of stuck where I was afraid I would be - no new evidence to help with pulling the trigger on Plan B and a WH that, while it gets better some days, is still... I don't even know how to describe it. He's not blatantly unremorseful like he was before... he's a bit softer now but still mostly cold and distant. Unwilling to spend time any more time together than we absolutely have to. He expresses resentment about having to be transparent. He gets pissy if he catches me reading SAA.

If I pull away from him (stop being as affectionate or loving) he notices and complains "You don't love me anymore". Yet, if I overdo it, he complains about that too.

Sometimes I think it's a good sign because you guys told me that I want him to be uncomfortable.

So now I have to decide if I can hang on another two weeks (and possibly still end up with no new evidence), or if I'm going to just do it sooner rather than later.

I was hoping that talking with OWH would help speed up the process of separating them at work. I was hoping he'd make her leave. No such luck. He pretty much ignored all my hints and outright insistence that the only way this will truly be over is if they are separated. But he knows his wife won't leave him, so really, what does he care in the end? He told me that she "would never let this break up their family". Which means that, just like MY WH, she would be perfectly content staying together for the kids yet carrying on an affair with my husband.

In the meantime...I guess he is still in the fog. I know they have seen each other (passed in the hallways) and I know that she has called his office (he was not there to answer for the call I was able to intercept) so while they aren't talking in any way that I can prove (phone, email, txt, etc) there is absolutely contact, as we know there would be, and there are other signs that there is still communication somehow.

What is some good reverse fog babble for this line:
"The reason why I'm not throwing myself on the ground begging you for forgiveness is that I had so much resentment built up for you for getting us to this point. So it's a little hard for me to ask you for forgiveness when I'm still trying to figure out if I can ever forgive YOU"

I know I'm running out of time.

"Then pack your bag and leave the house because, by blaming ME for YOUR continued adultery, you're not making me want to be married to you any longer."

You need to nip all of this fog crap in the bud by reminding him that it is his adultery that got you here. He's no where near ready to rationally discuss your share in this. He will take any admittance you offer and blow it out of proportion.

He needs a scapegoat and wants you to be it.

If I was a WH, a tough response would be what would probably snap me back into place. Bring the bottom up, he hasn't hit it yet and needs to see what he stands to lose.

You don't need proof. You need a backbone - and I know that's tough when you're pregnant and dealing with a chemical soup of emotions. But that's what you need.

His reaction yesterday to your boundaries with the pastor - clue enough to pack his bags and say don't come back until you have a solution that I can live with - you work with OW - different buildings, schmildings. You still have some contact with her. Get out until you have a solution that works. I'll know by how you treat me and how you own what you did to our family and to me instead of blaming me.

by the way - don't even think of coming back and tricking me into another phony recovery just so you can be here when the baby comes. You're out until you can prove you're different.

Bye!

That's the message you need to clearly give him and make him do the work. The biggest reason you haven't been able to come up with a solution is because it's his heart that needs to turn in order to make this marriage safe for you. He ain't doing any work besides hurting you still.

Find your backbone in the feeling this post gives you; read the plan b thread I just bumped for 2Sweet. And then get him out of the house. Now. Just because he knows his rights, you also have yours. You don't have to say a word. You just keep handing him his suitcases. Add deadbolts to the house. Get the pastor's help. You are out of time. It's either this way or divorce.

One more thought - if you can see that divorce is coming anyway, and you're no longer willing to accept molecules off crumbs he throws in his "softening" bs, when you are willing to stare reality in the face and recognize you are about to have your hands full with a baby anyway - you don't need king baby...

when you can reduce your investment in the marriage to less than his, he will either carry his weight and some extra to make it work, or you have your answer that the marriage would never have been viable anyway.

Thank you Kayla - I agree with everything you said.



Yes, exactly.


I've said this line (or some variation of it) so many times in the past few weeks that it's become an empty threat to him which is why I can't say it anymore, I have to actually DO it now.

Off to read the Plan B thread you bumped...