**edit** Almost seems like she's yanking our chain. But then again, one can't expect rationale thinking from someone who's deep in the fog. Sorry for taking shots, Goldi, but you are inviting them.

Goldi, it seems to me you came here seeking validation more than you are seeking good medicine for your marriage. If that is the case, you're in the wrong place. When we make mistakes there are consequences we face that are painful, and I really wish I weren't writing this from experience. To repair your marriage, BOTH you and your husband need to adopt the Marriage Builder (MB) principles and work together to restore romantic love in your lives. But first you will need to go through a difficult recovery period. You have both made big withdrawals in your marriage--you especially because of your adultery--and now its time to pay the bills or go bankrupt. You will suffer pain no matter which course of action you choose, but we believe your best path is marriage recovery based on the MB principles. This requires honesty, courage, and immense intestinal and moral fortitude. We are hoping you can come to terms with this and do what is best for your husband, children, and yourself. We want you to succeed.

Affairs remind me of Buddha's Four Noble Truths, which are:

1. Suffering exists
2. Suffering arises from attachment to desires
3. Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the path of wisdom, morality, and meditation and prayer.

When we are foolish, we make room for desires that are fleeting and not long lasting, and we let go of deep, substantive important things that bring us true, meaningful, and deeply rooted happiness.

Goldi ~ Everyone who commits adultery makes a choice to do so, that goes without saying -- What is your plan to prevent yourself from making the wrong choice again? There are many suave men out there that can "say all the right things" to you again -- What will make the next time different?

*Hint: There should not be a next time -- YOU are in control of who is given the OPPORTUNITY to speak to you. You must take EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to keep yourself away from temptation.

Your plan must be comprehensive and must include your husband -- which means he must know the truth, Goldi.




Well my goodness -- Has your husband THANKED you yet for being the family HERO? [/end sarcasm] Sorry, but my word! Goldi, that was bad. Please do not say anything like this to your husband when you tell him what you've done -- that is a terribly cruel thing to say. My prayer is that the two of you make it IN SPITE of what you've done -- certainly NOT because of what you've done...



And no one here wants "blood" -- we'd love to see humility -- A humble heart, Goldi -- that's what it will take if your marriage is to survive this.

Mrs. W

The blood has already been spilled.

We want you to start cleaning up what you've done, not put a throw rug over the mess to try and hide it.

I have not posted here in nearly 3 years.

Lady, you take the cake. You claim not to make excuses for yourself, then proceed to do just that.

I'm a straight shooter and blunt. The OM didn't force you to drop your pants and jump into bed. You made a CHOICE to do that.

So quit your whining, pull up your big girls panties, woman up and do what needs to be done. Do the hard work and make your marriage better.

Quit attacking the people here for trying to help you. They didn't come looking for you, you came to them. Get off the "it's all about me" kick, it ain't.

Nope, not yet.

:::snort::: You crack me up, Neak.

Likewise, MB!

Affairs remind me of Buddha's Four Noble Truths, which are:

1. Suffering exists
2. Suffering arises from attachment to desires
3. Suffering ceases when attachment to desire ceases
4. Freedom from suffering is possible by practicing the path of wisdom, morality, and meditation and prayer.

When we are foolish, we make room for desires that are fleeting and not long lasting, and we let go of deep, substantive important things that bring us true, meaningful, and deeply rooted happiness.


Thank you for this.

All I'm going to say is that it's hard to find the words to say how it feels to blow 30 years of marriage. I was stupid and selfish. I am so sorry, you can't believe. I feel like a piece of crap. Okay, and I'm beginning to see why some of you have hit me with the 2x4's.I did want someone to tell me it was okay to do what I did. But it wasn't, What can I do to make it better? There is nothing. I'm going to not post anymore. I'm going to take care of my life with my husband.

Why do you continue to shoot yourself in the foot? You are your own best enemy, Goldi.

The LAST thing you should do at this point is leave this site. Have you done any reading here at all? Start by getting over this victim mentality thing you've got going on. It's not working for you.

Start reading here.

Not that you're starting to defog you want to leave?

Unbelievable.

Now you understand the 2x4, that you knew in the end you were never going to be told what you did was justified. Though hang around and learn how to repair the damage.

You asked what can you do to make it better. Then you answered nothing.

We'll you're batting a thousand 1.000. Because you are being wrong again. We want to give you and your BH the tools to repair the damage.

You are still letting yourself be confused with you never being able to undo doing the OM with repairing the damage.

Though you can learn how to repair the damage here. And so can your BH. Have you told your BH about MB?

Goldilocks,

I can understand the pain of being sexually and mentally abused. My wife did this to me 2x, once for 3 months and again years later for 10 months with her 2 affairs. Not the same I know, but similar. My wife also knows what it's like to be abused. She was abused sexually by 2 uncles when she was a child, and grew up in a verbally abusive home under an alcoholic father. Look for her post here. She reads but rarely posts. Her name here is grace4me. I have asked her to post to you here.

What you say about yourself is true. You are not the person your friends and family think. What you did was scummy. However, you did land in the right place to make some real lasting changes, to become so much more than you have been.

Trust me, there is nothing good resulting from the affair. Any good that may come from it will be incidental. Can you please share with us what your husband's reaction was?

Those of us who are formerly betrayed husbands understand what it feels like and can help you understand better why you need to work here.

CV

Why would you want to leave someplace with the answers for how to go about repairing what you damaged?

Why would you want to stop listening to people who know what it's like to live through infidelity, and still recover our marriages?

Well, it's your choice.

Well, those are 4 noble half-truths, epistemological arrogance... Here are 4 more noble truths:

1. Man brought suffering into the world through his own actions to desire to be like God.

2. Suffering comes from the heart of man because man is at war with God and his neighbor

3. Suffering ceases when we lay down our idols of self and seek God 1st and the good of our neighbor second

4: Freedom from suffering is possible in surrendering to God, and through faith we ask for wisdom from God who gives to those who ask, abundantly.

When we are foolish, we show what is really in our hearts and minds, a shallow desire to exalt ourselves above God and our fellow man, but let no man think more of himself than he ought. Real contentment is found not within ourselves, but from outside... It comes from God the Father, who in the right time sent his son to redeem us from ourselves, the world around us and the devil. In this there is healing, joy and peace, because God in sending his son has torn down the wall of enmity between man and man and man and God (eph.2). (sermon over)

Now as far as your last paragraph... I understand your guilt and desperation. You CAN make it better with hard work. There are good solid principles here at MB that can be applied to your situation that can bring healing to your broken marriage. You can be happier than you ever thought possible. Keep posting. You need to.

Otherwise, in what way are you going to take care of your life with your husband? You haven't been able to do it so far. You will need help along the way. Providentially, you ended up here. Make use of it.

CV

I suspect Goldi is beginning to appreciate that this isn't going to be a quick fix. The hard work has just begun. And it's not going to feel good. Goldi doesn't appear to be comfortable in that sort of situation.

Goldi, you need to brace yourself, grit your teeth and get to work. Drop the abrasive "Memememe" attitude - if it's annoying to us, it's probably unbearable for your poor husband.

What have you read on this site? Have you read the link I posted to you? That will barely crack the surface of recovery. You have much to do.

The posters who are being the hardest on you may well become your lifelines and your best 'friends'. We have no emotional investment in you one way or the other, so you can rest assured that our advice to you is unvarnished by any ulterior motives. We want to help you save your marriage. Simple enough?

Now. Tell us about your disclosure of the affair to your husband. What happened?

Hi Goldi, I'm the woman who has the pleasure of being married to CelticVoyager. I don't post often...it's not my forte, but I wanted to ask you a simple question. What is it that you hope to accomplish by posting here on MB?

I and others here have a lot to offer to someone in your situation, but it's really hard to see what it is you're looking for.

I understand a lot of what you're saying. I've been where you are now. I have the experience of both being a cheater who kept the secret and tried to be a "good wife", as well as being a cheater who came clean and actually became a good wife.

If I could understand why it is that you're here then I could talk with you about it, but your posts are not clear or direct. If you could try to put aside your aggravation and make a clear, concise post about what it is you are trying to accomplish, maybe this could get somewhere productive.

I hope you can do this...I will watch for your post.

There is something you and your husband can do to make it better. Learn and apply the principles of MB. Not posting here is fine if you get help from the Harleys, read their literature, and follow through on their wisdom. However, I believe you will find that this forum will serve you well if you stick around. I think it already has if you've really already told your husband. Have you? If you did, what happened?

You're in an internal conflict right now. You're struggling with taking the easy way out--deceit and divorce--or working through this challenge-of-a-lifetime through hard work, painful sacrifice, and honesty. Your current internal struggle reminds me of the one I faced when I had an emotional affair. I knew it was wrong, and I felt like a teenager giving God the middle finger. I did it anyway. However, God didn't leave me. During this very dark time in my life I found myself going to church even though I didn't want to be there. I would look at my watch and couldn't wait for Mass to finish. I felt hypocritical and completely disengaged there. It seemed at the time that I got nothing out of it. However, deep down I think I went because I knew if I quit going I'd fall into a deep chasm that I wouldn't be able to climb back out of. I realize now that by attending Mass I was clinging to my last vestige of hope and decency, and in hindsight, that was a critical step in recovering from my mistake.

Now that my fog has lifted, I'm grateful for my decision to not give up my faith. It saved me. I think that's why you're here too, Goldi. I sense you want to do the right thing, but you are looking to muster the courage.

The people here are straightforward and honest. They are giving you what you need right now: tough love. Accept their wisdom with gratitude. It will make all the difference whether or not your marriage survives this affair.

Goldilocks,

yes me and yes I did question your intentions on here and if you are real, okay. I was just perusing some posts and could not believe that you were real with your responses. I found my post was "edited" so you probably do no know what I am talking about ...*s* Since you have stayed this long even tho you are adamant about your position I have to assume that you are feeling very uncertain on how to proceed in attemptiong to recincile with you H for what you did and how to preserve your M.

"We have no emotional investment in you one way or the other,"..per marital. I disagree with her. Yes, I do have an emotional investment in you from the standpoint that what is hurting for one hurts the other or what the other is doing wrong hurts the other. Not just from the standpoint of human beings trying to live together with some sort of social law, but that we are all brothers and sisters under the love of God. I know, pretty trite, but is my conviction.

I cannot add to what those vets here at Marriage Builders have already advised you because I am not a veteran of this. What I can do is parlay their concern for others with mine. I realize after reading your last few posts that you may have been a victiim os sexual abuse. As terrible as that is I would like to direct your attention to look at the Internet Chicago Tribune story today about the young woman who needs new lungs to survive, and her feeling about her chances of survival and what she feels. She is not bitter for what happened to her, she is simply hopeful. Her faith and hope simply trumps your attempts at self-pity and deception! This is not Marriage Builders advice, it is my veiw soly, but sometimes I feel even the most adverse of heart need some enlightenment of what others go thru.

Tom

Goldilocks,

By the way, blonds are not the most attractive women in the world - have dated brunettes as well before I was married - but the most exciting woman in the world to me happens to be a redhead - my wife.

Tom

I'm here, I'm still reading. I will come back and answer your questions, I'm too emotional and just want to cry right now. The comments like the last one from Tom is so far removed from my feelings right now, I need a break.

Celticvoyager, does God forgive people like me?