Hello gold,

This is between you and your conscience and you and your H as to how to resolve this, as long as you can feel good within yourself about how you attempt it. I think maybe you needed a break, but hope you come back and continue posting. This site and the people here who have been advising you are heavily weighing on the side of saving your marriage.

It's awfully damned hard for any of us to admit to any serious transgression. The problem with Christ is that He always forgives, and that we might feel we can play games with Him and His forgiveness, and attempt to continue with our wayward ways. The problem with people is that even tho we admit our transgression we are frighened that they will never forgive us, and will try to exact some revenge.

So, siimply, you have to weigh the advice here along with your conscience against your desire to stonewall. You're choice, but again I wish you the courage to return here.

Tom

There was no offense against me. You are forgiven for that. Please do come back here and post.

CV

Goldilocks, if you want to see what it takes to Recover, look at my threads. I actually caught my wife in the act, but we are still together, why? Because she has proven herself in every way. She is committed to radical honesty, and I have the option of having her take a polygraph anytime I choose. She has never contacted the OM since that day and has told me that if I wanted to kill him, she would bury the body. LOL !!She gave me a post-nup which gives me EVERYTHING if I divorce her FOR ANY REASON, not just infidelity. She is never anywhere or with anyone that I don't trust or know. She does not have male friends, without my say so. EVERYTHING needed to recover from an affair she has done and what is more, she actually looks for new ways to prove herself!! Talk about Love Bank, we BOTH have several accounts full! We talk, laugh , cry and are so much better connected now , using DR. Harleys' principles, that it seems like a new marriage. But RadicaL honesty is the starting place for any and all good marriages. BTW, to all of our MB friends, HI from our new home in Chicago!!!!!!!!!

mirrormirror, I was thinking about you the other day, glad to hear that y'all made the move and that things are going great!

Things are good, but busy!! We have started trashing the upper floors of the building, and the demolition costs are unbelievable, especially for disposal. Our APPT is smaller than we had hoped but we have part of the ground floor for storage. Thankfully the basics, electric, sewage and heating/ac are fairly new and the roof is pristine, so it could be worse. How are you doing?

Goldi
I'm glad you told your husband. It will help you to be able to move on. I am the WS and have had multiple A's. This last time I prayed to God that my H wouldn't find out that I told God that I would rather go to hell before he found out. As to be expected God would see that the truth came out.
It is really easy to beat yourself up and some people may come across very mean so it just adds to the weight you feel. They are only trying to get you to understand from their point of view the damage that has been done.
Your right you can't take back what has been done, but you can learn from it, and help your husband through it.
Hang in there. One step at a time.

After going back and reading the whole thread, I also don't believe that the OP has told her husband anything. Since she said it, she has not mentioned anything that might have happened (fallout) from her "admission of guilt" which seems a little hinky to me.

Goldi,
I hope that you will come back here. It seems you haven't posted in awhile.

I was deathly afraid of my husband finding out about my affair. Do you want to know something? When he found out, he acted the complete opposite of what I thought he would. Is it fear of his reaction keeping you from coming clean?
CT

Yeah, I think that's the vibe that a lot of us have gotten.

The impact of what I have done to my husband and family has finally started to settle in my brain. My husband is shattered, angry. I don't think he will ever trust me again. I honestly don't know what happened to me. If I could ever get anything back in this life it would be the trust and peace of mind I had before all this happened. Even reading back through all 25 pages, I sound like someone I don't even know. What happened to me??? I just want to cry constantly. He doesn't want to hear that I'm sorry. And I can't blame any of you for not believing me. There are no words for what I have done to all of us. I probably won't be here too much, this is too painful to share anymore.

Goldi,

You know what? You're finally in a position to heal from your adultery if this is what you are feeling. Trust can be earned back, but it will take time.

Your husband? no, he doesn't want to hear sorry, he wants to see it.

Read my link, there's hope there.

CV

Goldi,

Been reading along and fully agree with what everyone has been telling you. You said
Of course he is shattered and so are your children and for that matter so are you. So how do you recover. Well it takes time and patience. You MUST give yourself both time and have patience with yourself and then your H. He will NOT recover on your time schedule, but he can recover.

Where to start? You start with a plan. A plan to make your marriage better and that starts with you.

What should you do? You should become a woman that you are proud of (hence everyone's advice to be honest with your H). You should be a woman of grace. You should evaluate your actions and learn from them. You should acknowledge your H's pain, but also express to him what you are learning about yourself, about marriage, about your needs, and his needs.

What you want and need is a marriage where honesty is the watch word. But honesty mixed with kindness, care, and friendship. You can do these things.

If you read the articles on this site, which I know you have not yet, you will see that you are not unique. Your failures are common, your needs are common, and sadly your response to things have been all too common. But, you will also see the kernel of the plan. Learning about each others needs (I would guess you are actually as ignorant about his needs and how he wants them met as he is about yours), you will learn about how to address these needs, you will learn many things. These things can make you and your H see things in a very different perspective.

Please realize that recovery from an affair is measured in years, not days, weeks or months. Now you won't feel as you do now for years, and neither will your H.

There is much more to say, but you need to read, talk with your H, listen to him carefully, and reassure him with your words and actions that you intend to be better than you were.

He can learn to trust, and he will when your actions match your words. You are coming out of a three month emotional affair where you focussed more on the OM than your H. It will take time for your focus to be totally on your H. But be aware he is now very hyper sensitive to your words and actions. That is a good thing if you have a plan and use it. It is a bad thing if you dither around trying to justify.

I must end this now, but please think about it. You have hit the motherload when it comes to recovery once that is started.

God Bless,

JL

Goldilocks, your marriage is a strong, strong candidate for recovery. Long-term marriage, described by you as good, no previous major indiscretions, the apparent debilitating remorse for your actions: there's a tremendous amount to work with here.

Your husband may not be very accepting of your ideas and plans at the moment; that's understandable. I urge you to remain here and start really studying the MB program. Regardless of how things go from this point forward, the information here can only help. And you will receive support from the posters here, so please don't bail on your thread.

Start by getting Dr. Harley's book Surviving an Affair. You want to start right away, as CV suggested, showing by your ACTIONS, that you're sorry and will commit to changing and making yourself and your marriage better. You can't start this too soon.

If there's some way you can introduce your husband to this forum, we'd like to be part of his support network as well. There are many here who've been through what he's going through -- and worse. He can get a lot of support, help, and guidance. There are a lot of good folks here who want nothing more than to provide it.

You have reason for a lot of hope. Don't bail on us now . . .

Read SAA in front of your BH and the do what the books says.

Actions speak louder then words.

How about sending your husband here and letting us help him?

If you have received Christ as your savior, you are/were already forgiven. When he looks at you he sees his perfect son. What you are feeling is the "reaping sowing". You sowed to the wind, and you now reap the world wind. But don't even think that God has not forgiven you. Question: How many sins had you committed when Christ died for you? None.

Jesus said. "If I be lifted up (that's what they called crucifiction) I will draw all men to me.

Next. When Christ was on the cross. One of the thieves said. "If you be the son of God, come down from the cross, and save us". The other Thief said. "Leave him alone, we are getting what we deserve. He is innocent." Then he said "Remember me when you come into your kingdom". Jesus said. Today you will be with me in paradise.

NOW HERE IS THE CRITICAL POINT. WHY WAS THE THIEF WHO DEFENDED CHRIST ON THE CROSS?.......... HE WAS A THEIF.
WHAT GOOD THING DID THE THIEF EVER DO?......NOTHING. HE WAS ON THE CROSS FOR STEALING. WHY WAS HE SAVED?..... BECAUSE HE HAD FAITH IN CHRIST......THAT'S IT. NO SINLESS LIFE. NO GOOD NEIGHBOR AWARDS. PLEASE UNDERSTAND THAT YOUR SALVATION NEVER IS/WAS/OR NEVER WILL BE AT RISK.

GOD SAID. "DON'T BE DECEIVED GOD IS NOT MOCKED, WHAT A MAN SOWS THAT HE WILL ALSO REAP.

WHAT YOU HAVE DONE MAY HAVE COST YOU YOUR MARRIAGE. BUT YOUR SALVATION IS SECURE. WHY? BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TO DESERVE IT IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YES GOD STILL LOVES YOU. HE CAN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE. HE LOVES YOU AS MUCH AS HE LOVES HIS SON. AND ALWAYS WILL.

OH. AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT THE WOMAN THAT WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACT OF ADULTERY. THE CROWD WANTED TO STONE HER. AFTER ASKING "LET HIM WHO IS WITHOUT SIN CAST THE FIRST STONE" AFTER THEY LEFT JESUS ASKED HER "WOMAN WHERE ARE YOU ACCUSERS?" SHE SAID THEY'RE GONE. "JESUS SAID NEITHER DO I CONDEMN YOU. GO AND SIN NO MORE". NOW YOU CAN'T GET A MORE SPECIFIC COMMENT ON YOUR SITUATION THEN THAT. CAN YOUR HUSBAND DIVORCE YOU? YES. JESUS ALLOWED IT. BUT YOUR ETERNAL SALVATION IS SECURE.

A LITTLE MORE ILLUMINATION. WHEN JESUS SAID "NEITHER DO I CONDEMN YOU". DO YOU NOTICE THAT JESUS DID NOT SAY "NEITHER DO I JUDGE YOU". WHY? BECAUSE SHE WAS CAUGHT IN THE ACT. SHE HAD ALREADY BEEN JUDGED. SHE DESERVED TO BE STONED BY THE LAW. CHRIST SAID, NEITHER DO I CONDEMN YOU. THERE IS A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE BETWEEN JUDGED AND CONDEMNED.

Ready for it?



Your husband doesn't want your apologies because you have established that you can lie, and deceive, and betray - the whole time smiling in his face. Your words are meaningless in the face of your actions.

You want him to believe you are sincere? ACT sincerely (not as in pretending - as in actions).

You want him to learn to trust you? Then ACT trustworthy.

You want forgiveness? Then ACT in repentance.

You want to recover your marriage? Then quit with the spoiled-brat temper tantrum. Quit trying to run away from the problems YOU have created, and FACE THEM.


"Oooooh, it's so painful!"

How do you think your husband feels? The person who he loved and trusted most in his life just stuck a knife in his gut and rearranged his entire soul.

You broke it. Now, learn how to fix it, and quit trying to run away!

Goldi,
Don't go away. That is the worst thing you can do. When I took a break from MB (and too early on, mind you), I felt worse.

Recovering from an affair is a very LONG process. Your husband has to work through his anger. Listen to what everyone is saying. You have to "do" not say.

I am still not a "former" WW. I haven't earned that yet. I'm not sure I ever will. Every action I take has my BH in mind. Make your BH your priority.

I can't remember. Did you write a NC letter? It's the BEST thing you can do for both of you.

Read my story if you have a chance. Maybe it will help. But please keep coming back here. It's the only way you'll heal.

I am in such a different place now than I was early on. You are still in the raw stage. It's an awful place to be.

CT

Thank you CT, Not a good place to be right now is such an understatement. I have been trying to think of a way to explain my husband, as far as I don't have much hope of him coming here himself. He works 14 hour days, driving a truck, and is probably one of the few people today who really dislikes the internet, and especially after what I did, I'm truly surprised he hasn't smashed my laptop yet. What is also hard is that he escapes when something bothers him. I wish he was like some of the men here who are attempting to make things better with their wives. The one that sent his WW flowers... I would appreciate something like that. It's not that he won't speak at all, he is too angry right now, and I really think I'll be paying for this the rest of my life. The 14 hour days he works are perfect for him to hide and not face things. He gets home about an hour (which he spends with our little one) before he goes to bed. He's not kicking me out, he's ignoring me. I don't know how to deal with someone who is not available. I know this isn't about me anymore, but this is why I feel so lonely in my marriage. He doesn't open up.
I do need to go back and read things again, because the first time through my mind was mush.

I definitely understand the emotional withdrawal. He may be able to keep it up for a while, but I doubt he'll keep it up indefinitely.

I can't believe that he would want to continue living in a broken marriage. Something has to give. He may decide he can't live with it and divorce you. At the same time, the fact that you confessed is a big sign that you are remorseful and care for your husband. He'll see that, even through the hurt.

Read up on this web site. Become an expert. Use the tools that are available here, including getting Dr. Harley's books. Even if your husband doesn't want to engage with you right now, let him see that you care, that you are working toward reconciliation and a better marriage. He may not want to use the internet, but he may be intrigued when he sees you reading and leaving the MB books lying around.

As I posted earlier: I'm concerned with your husband's well-being. Don't push it on him, but if you get a chance to steer him toward this MB forum, please do. What he's dealing with is very difficult to deal with alone. It would be tremendously helpful for him to be able to engage with others who've been through what he's going through and have come out on the other side as better people with better marriages.