Claiming abuse is common with WWs - that appeals to the OM's belief that the A is okay because he is 'rescuing' her from an abusive situation. Waywards instinctively know to paint their spouse in the worst possible light - and to flat-out lie if necessary.

It sounds like the opposite is true. Get going on that exposure. Don't speculate that OM is backing away from this.

And btw, Ed - NOTHING CHANGED. There was no cosmic aligning of planets, their eyes didn't meet across a crowded room...they very simply did what waywards have been doing since God was a boy - loosening their boundaries and disrespecting their vows.

I got some of the latest info,The VAR i used in finding out it was still going,well during her conversations she had called the inlaws,on speaker phone :),it was all in spanish,i dont know spanish but my co-workers do,i brought it to a co-worker that i trust,he knows of my situation,anyway this is what he interpreted from the conversation the W had with inlaws on speaker phone:
MIL:you need to act quickly,he has begun the affair and will not
stop,you need to gather new bank accounts,ones that he can
never see,begin to pool money there and when enough leave.
you need to do this now as he will take all of it and you
will have nothing.
W:ok will do
MIL:he has turned the children against you explain to them this is a grown up problem and stay out of it.
MIL:Dad stated Ed told him you were having an affair with another
man,his name{OM},he told him that night,what is that about.
W:not true,not true at all,there is no other man,that is a lie
to cover.
MIL:Why?why would Ed say such a thing?
W:He is in a lie,its not good
FIL now on phone:

FIL:Be careful,he is ready to take all you have,you must stand
ground for the kids,tell them it will be ok once it is over
and they can come here.
FIL:He will tell lies and lie to the kids to turn them against
you,just protect them from that.
W:yes i will i have done it,i talk to son last night.
FIL:Ed has done harm,he is no good for them,he will take their
hearts away from you,you must act now.
W:yes

It went on like this,what my co-worker said was that she has turned the whole thing around and painted me as the one with the affair,she has told them this when they were here for the holidays,the long talk that day,now i understand why they were like that to me,now the pieces fall into place,she has spun a lie to take the pressure off of her.It gives her affair a right to do....now i understand.

She is also telling OM lies also,this i heard on the VAR,she told him that her mom asked about him and were he lived.That i believe is complete BS,as she would have asked about him in their phone conversation....

People i have to tell you,i never in my life would have thought this woman can be this way,she was caring and wonderful,yet to change on a dime and turn into a wicked monster,i am totally blown away,this is unreal.

Friend called tonight,he also stated that there has got to be a phone somewhere,he told me to retrace her steps as she heads out in the morning,he told me that phone is the golden egg and needs to be located,i have been up and down i just cant figure were she would hide it.

Sent letter to workplace,Done...it has begun

Also VAR i overlooked,they have been meeting,possibly at lunch and work hours....let the games begin

It HAS to be somewhere between the bedroom and the car. THINK. Where have you not checked already? Have you checked the ash-tray in the car? Around or below the car seats?

As your in-laws have suggested she withdraw money from the joint accounts, I suggest that you do so FIRST before she has a chance to do so. I think the usual recommendation is to divide the money in the account by the number of persons in the family, then take all shares except one and place them in a separate account.

Oh, and cancel any joint credit cards.

I think your exposure might have been slightly premature. It might have beeen best to locate the phone first. As your friend suggests, it's the "golden egg" - proof of the A that she would find very difficult to refute.

It may be velcroed under a shelf somewhere. Retrace her steps and check UNDER things that can't be moved, like shelves or benches.

I noticed with some car seats on more inexpensive cars you can "tuck" stuff up under and in them... They are not upholstered underneath. Check there too.

in our car there is a little space in between the center console and the firewall. Stuff slips in there all the time.


CV

If you have a VAR recording of her and OM, then give it to the ILs.

Let them know, very calmly, that you know she's been telling them that he's the one having an affair. Then give them the VAR of her and OM talking.

If she's hispanic, I can tell you that the family will go ballistic if its proven she's the one having an affair.

Get your evidence to the family and let them know that you want to save your marriage and that you love their daughter and want to save things.

bathroom, under sink counter (velcro), on top of medicine chest
car- i have an under the seat compartment, also and under the steering column space for the manuals.

feminine products box.... does she carry a case of that in her bag?

the lining of my bag riped and guess what i found! that old lip gloss i was looking for.

just thoughts

I sent email of the affair letter to her job people,i woke her at 4:am and confronted her,told her all i know,not exposing the VAR of course,she got pissed and began to deny the affair,said there is no affair going,no other phone,nothing,As i was going through the VAR i found she was meeting him,i found she was sneaking out after the kids were asleep to meet him,they had planned a vacation up north next weekend,it all came out,she still denies it ever happening and asked that it is over and wants the divorce to take place,i told her that i need to speak with the FIL,she went nuts,asking why i need to talk to them for,i told i have to make good on the lies she told them,anyway i will print out the proof of text and phone calls,mail them directly indicating what and when,i will also contact FIL and play the VAR...wow,why will she not come clean,its all out now,why deny it?

Waking her at 4am to have a confrontation was NOT a good plan.

And giving her your game plan (about calling FIL) was a WORSE plan. Now she will call him BEFORE you do and spin you as a complete nut job. She will absolutely DIFFUSE you.

Get a GRIP.

WHY DID YOU TELL HER THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THE PHONE?

Now you will likely NEVER find it.

Hopefully the VAR recordings will be enough to convince any skeptics, because you're likely not going to get any more evidence at this point.

I just had a complete wig out i couldnt contain as i felt i had all the info i needed,the VAR has it all,it confirmed what was going on plain as day,i just snapped at it and couldnt hold back anymore,i know get a grip,but i just came unglued...i contacted a lawyer,i have a meeting set up on monday,the thing is i just couldnt go on like this and to know what her plan was,,i feel i need to contact her boss and play the VAR...now what?

You need to call the FIL and MIL NOW before she gets to them. CALL your FIL now. Then you need to send out the email I composed above to the other family members. But you need to tell your FIL on the phone.

Then tell the kids what she is doing.

Contact her FIL and play him the VAR. Same with MIL.

Let them know before she spins it for them.

And stop wigging out. You need to keep a handle on everything you say and do. You can fight this thing, but you have to fight smart.

Rule # 1

SELF CONTROL

Believe me i am trying to keep composure,she is now in a full fledged physical affair,even to the point of trying to run me out of my house so this clown can move in and take over,i know it,ive heard it,its all there,,,like i said i have enough proof of what is going on in this mess,phone or not,even the FIL even wanted to listen to what i have,i dont think it will do any good,i think now the main goal is to get her out of here...i know,i know,im really burning inside,i am trying my hardest not to wig out...emotional affair is one thing,but physical with total manipulation, lies decete i mean complete slander...its killing me..but i will try my hardest.

Yes i will now try to be in contact with FIL,i hope he will accept my call

Don't try and keep your composure. Keep your composure.

You can do it.