|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
I would go broke if it fixed my marriage, but you're right, I don't think it's the time to call the coaching center.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 15,818 Likes: 7 |
Dr. Harley has a great plan for dividing up chores. It's in HNHN, HNHNFP, and on this website.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
Chores is the easy part. Convincing her to come home is the hard part.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708 |
Offer to help with her chores at the house and apartment as she needs.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
Offer to help with her chores at the house and apartment as she needs. Doormat Alert! Careful with this one. You don't want to make it so cushy that she doesn't NEED to come home.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653 |
Yeah, I don't think I'd be offering to clean her apartment as it somehow validates or makes it ok for her to have one to begin with.
GJM, no woman is going to fall in love with you for doing the dishes. Tackling the "I don't feel appreciated" angle may offer more bang-for-the-buck, but it's hard to do when she isn't in the home. As mentioned on the site, you want to go after those more important ENs.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708 |
LOL. I didn't mean clean her apartment.
But show her you are willing to lend a hand and be a team mate on things like offering to take out her garbage while dropping by her place, maybe asking if she needs anything from the market as you are coming that way, take her a fresh pineapple or a simple bouquet of flowers to look at, etc.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357 |
LOL. I didn't mean clean her apartment.
But show her you are willing to lend a hand and be a team mate on things like offering to take out her garbage while dropping by her place, maybe asking if she needs anything from the market as you are coming that way, take her a fresh pineapple or a simple bouquet of flowers to look at, etc. That's confusing, then, because what you said sounded much different: Offer to help with her chores at the house and apartment as she needs. She needs a realistic view of what her life will actually be like if she chooses life without GJM. He shouldn't be taking out her trash when he takes the kids over to visit.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708 |
True. I was contradictory and it probably isn't a good idea to help out at the apartment. I have reconsidered my input.
Only offer to work on chores at the family home.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
Yeah I wasn't going to offer to help out at her apartment. My house is 2499 sqft and takes me a while just to clean it. I appreciate the thought though. I'm just trying to keep the distance at a minimum. That's what worries me the most.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
Hurting today. Maybe I'm just tired.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,820 |
(hugs)
It is up and down for a long while, just keep yourself busy being the best Dad and man you can be........
What do you have planned for the weekend?
Do you have any home improvements you could keep yourself busy with?
Patience is the hardest thing, we have to learn to be better at it........
BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
Hurting today. Maybe I'm just tired. Hang in there buddy. Make sure you get sleep. It is one of your greatest allies right now.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
Saturday I'm going to take the kids fishing. Then that evening DS11 has his football banquet. I'm going to try to get to church on Sunday. I also need to do some grocery shopping. Should be a busy weekend.
I'll try to rest as I can. I get nervous when WW doesn't have the kids. I know I shouldn't worry, but I feel like the distance grows when she doesn't have them. When she does, we spend a lot of time together.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,495 |
Saturday I'm going to take the kids fishing. Then that evening DS11 has his football banquet. I'm going to try to get to church on Sunday. I also need to do some grocery shopping. Should be a busy weekend.
I'll try to rest as I can. I get nervous when WW doesn't have the kids. I know I shouldn't worry, but I feel like the distance grows when she doesn't have them. When she does, we spend a lot of time together. Understandable. Don't let the weekend and what might happen trigger you. focus on the kids and you.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057 |
I hate these ruts I get into. I'll try not to let triggers affect me.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352 |
What specifically triggered you today?
Write it down. Then cross it out. Whatever poison it has today will be reduced tomorrow.
As I became a serious sports official, I decided my goal was to make every mistake ONCE. When I was struggling with triggers, I forced myself to let each trigger only hurt me ONCE. Eventually I stopped making mistakes; eventually I ran out of triggers.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240 |
I don't know if you listen to loud screaming types of music, but I know that that type of thing helped me tremendously when I was in a downswing.
Staying as busy as you can is very helpful because it's those down times when you are able to think, and thinking can be the enemy right now.
BW(Me)aka Scotty:37 DSx2: 10,12 DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09 Plan B Dec18/09 Personal R in works Scotty's THING  Newly Betrayed click herePraying for walls and doors. Thanx MM “Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.” ? Maya Angelou PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION THANK YOU
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
What specifically triggered you today?
Write it down. Then cross it out. Whatever poison it has today will be reduced tomorrow.
As I became a serious sports official, I decided my goal was to make every mistake ONCE. When I was struggling with triggers, I forced myself to let each trigger only hurt me ONCE. Eventually I stopped making mistakes; eventually I ran out of triggers. NG .... I 'borrowed' you *** here ***
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 146
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 146 |
Hurting today. Maybe I'm just tired. I know that for me at least, I get super reactive whenever I don't get enough rest. It is like every emotion gets amplified. I really need to check myself and keep things from spiraling. I don't know about you but sleep sometimes seems impossible. I will go to bed exhausted and then wake up 3 hours before my alarm, wide awake. Hang in there. I have been actively following your thread by the way. I am seeing many similarities in my situation and yours. Best!
me BS 38
WS 36
DS 5
DD 3
D-day 8/16/11
Begin plan A 9/22/11
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
1 members (1 invisible),
405
guests, and
98
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
