I agree with all the changes! You need to take ownership but not sound like a doormat.

Congratulations on taking action towards a better future for you and your children!!!

Marvellous news, PoM.

You need to get plan B all plugged up nice and tight though. Changing the locks would send a strong message that he neednt bother trying to get in. If he calls the cops, just say you needed the locks changed and were going to give him a key when he asked for one. If he makes you give him a key, do so and change the locks again, saying you cant believe you were locked out TWICE!

This was my plan, anyway. I fully expected the above rigmarole, but WHs dont want to force their way into a house where they are not welcome - they want to be welcome or at the very least wheedle their way in. The key is that they are not able to in Plan B.

Even his best friend in the world, cop or no, would probably say, 'You cheated on her man, she doenst want you there - give it a rest!'

Thanks, I will be making those changes to the letter and plugging up the holes. Still not quite sure what to do about the kids though... trying to come up with the best solution there. Maybe just keep them in the bedroom, away from any doors/windows so he can't try something like that.

Ok... a bit of fear is creeping in in this regard:

At this point, I think that if the EA went PA, they did not sleep together. That's what I *think* anyway. Let's just say that's true. Don't you think that me kicking him out will send him running to her and the first thing they will do IS exactly that - sleep together? Making this A THAT much harder for me to get over? Even if he comes back, or is planning on it, don't you think he'll run to her and be like, "well, might as well do the crime I'm doing the time for."

I know where she stands in her marriage since talking to her BH. She is absolutely done with him, not in love with him, and would be perfectly willing to stay together for the kids and continue an affair with my husband. I know her husband is done with her in that if she screws up again, he's moving out (or so he says), yet he completely blames himself for all of this so he's got no backbone left whatsoever, he'll take whatever she dishes right now. So that leaves the two lovebirds exactly where they want to be.

I know exposure will help - but there really isn't anyone left to expose to that's going to have much of an influence on stopping them from sleeping together at this point.

It's not going to stop me from going into Plan B - but how do I deal with this? I don't think exposure is going to be enough to stop that.

Oh - and if you'll permit me a hateful little vent right now (since I have no one else I can say these things to) - how about F*** plan a and plan b - where is Plan why-don't-I-just-have-an-affair-too because I MUCH rather be him than me in ALL of this. He's had practically zero consequences to face in all this and even after I Plan B, he then gets to go and enjoy sleeping with her b/c I've now given him the green light? This is such bull. /end rant

Dear POM,

I'm sorry that you are going through this. No woman who is expecting a baby should experience this feeling of despair and utter abandonment. You deserve a husband who is by your side, waiting for your child.

You have been doing amazingly. You have been doing what you can to keep the family together, while he followed selfish needs.
It looks like you have to keep on going for a while.

If your husband does or does not sleep with her is sadly something that you can't control. You have been a great mom, controlling your own emotions. Allthough the revenge idea feels good, you know it would not make you feel better.

We are really proud of you. You are keeping it all together and will become a better person in the process.

God bless you and your family,

Happyheart

P.S.

And don't think there are no consequenses for him.
He has lost his integrity.
He cannot look at himself in the mirror with pride.
He will be a an that betrayed his pregnant wife and family.

It will take a long time and hard work to unbecome this man.
If he does the hard work.

I would just point out that Plan B has as its goal getting the BS (you) away from the turmoil and stress of WS that is unwilling to change things. It is to get you mentally and physically healthy, in the place that, if the WS does make the effort and decides to come back and work on the marriage then you have the desire to do it and the outlook to make it work.

Although it can make the WS "come to his senses" by seeing that you are serious and what he is losing, that is not the goal. It can be a benefit, but not the goal. The goal is a healthy you, married or not. I know that may sound blunt and scary, but that is what it is.

Please do not go into Plan B thinking it is a tactic to force change in your WH. That is not what it is. It is to save you and possibly save some desire in you to reconcile.

You can't force him to do anything.

To reiterate, this is not a tactic to cause change in him. It is for you.

It should be obvious to you that you have no control over him by now. He will do whatever he wants.

This is for you.

I know that your circumstances are tough, no one should have to put up with this. But the mindset of your husband is not logical and will not respond logically.

There is a chance that the blast of reality from your Plan B will wake him up, but don't go in it depending on that.

Plan B is for you to heal. Whether it also is a catalyst for recovery or preparation for the end game is up to him. You don't really control that.

When I realized that, it was a turning point. Please realize it.

If they wanted to go PA, they will regardless of whether he's in the house or not. Ask any BS whose WS went from EA to PA with no 'help' from them.

I realise you are struggling to let go of the reins, PoM. But he is a grown man. Even if you change the locks, he has the 'key' back in - you have put the directions home in your Plan B letter. There is no 'punishment' for him to provide a 'crime' for.

If he uses his refusal to be a grown up as an excuse to bed some skank, then he would similarly have found an excuse while lving under your roof. They all do.

Let go. Let him find the rock bottom he has been desperatley trying to reach. Let hime fin it without dragging you down there with him.

This is VERY true. After the EA was discovered and I thought it was over and H was still in the house...he KNEW I would ask him to leave if he was caught again. Yet, what happened? EA went PA. NO help from me.

Hey PoM,

How are you doing? Did you give your WH the Plan B letter? If so, how did it go? I know you are close to your due date, how are you feeling, or did you have the baby early? I won't be surprised due to the stress you are under.

Update us when you can,

ba

PoM, how is everything, hon? Got everything ready for the bambino?

I wont nag about Plan B, promise. Much.

:P

Hi all.

Here I am, 9 months later. Coming back with my tail between my legs for two reasons.

1 - To help anyone, anyone out there if at all possible that might be in a similar situation as me. As a thank you to those who tried to help me, as a pay it forward, as a person who has learned so much over the last few months. To help you hit them over the head like I needed: LISTEN TO WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE TELLING YOU. Don't just hear it. LISTEN to it and do it. THEY ARE RIGHT.

If I had it do over, I would have followed Melody's (and everyone's advice) like a manual. THAT'S how right they were. That's how EASY it could have been. Don't think, just do. They. Are. Right.

They were 100% right about EVERYTHING that my WH was doing while I *thought* we were moving forward. Which brings me to my second reason why I'm here.

2 - To ask your advice one more time. Because this time you will not hear a peep of objection out of me. Please give me a big fat I told you so. Please. Be mad at me, curse me out, anything. Just give your advice because I will hang on every word. I'm sorry to those I may have hurt and offended on here. You were all 100% right about everything.

A quick catch up (really will try to make this brief).

Within days of planning to execute Plan B, I got very ill. (You all warned me it would take a toll on my health and it did) Thought I would deliver early, having contractions, etc. Then, in a nutshell, I chickened out of Plan B.

I delivered a healthy baby girl and the EA continued underground for months and months. Finally in early July, he transferred buildings and changed gyms. REAL no contact finally began mid-July. The change in him is marked and I now completely understand what all of you meant about Plan B. The damage done in those months of false recovery is unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Here we are today, and I am thinking that we finally have a real chance to actually move forward. I got TT for months and now I think I have it all. There are days where I really don't know if I can get past all the damage done in false recovery though.

Specifically what prompted me to post here is:
What do we need to do at this point to move into recovery if at all possible?

OWH contacted me recently (after silence since Feb) and his intentions and motivations were unclear. It almost seemed like he WANTED to cause problems with me & WH. Actually, he specifically said it. They (OW & her husband) are not in a good place. It makes me wonder what this all means.

And last but not least, I am at a point where I am really tempted to write a letter to the OW as closure for myself. Whether or not my marriage works out, at this moment, I feel it would help ME. Is that a good idea or a bad idea?

If anyone out there can find it in their heart to share some of their wisdom with me, I will be so grateful. Thank you to those who took the time to read this.

HI POM. Congratulations on your little girl! I am sorry you have been through the wringer.

Have you spoken to the OWH and told him all about the affair? Does he know the full truth about his skanky wife and your husband?

Has your husband ended all contact and changed his life in order to prevent a repeat affair?

If you want to recover your marriage, then your lives must be affair proofed so this doesn't happen again. Your husband has pisspoor boundaries around women. What will be do to protect you in the future?

Has he given you all the facts about his affair? Here is what it will take to save your marriage:

Thank you Melody for taking the time to reply.

Yes, OWH knows everything that I know. We both believe we have all the facts at this point.

WH has ended all contact and has taken precautions to prevent a repeat affair.

A NC letter was never written. Do you believe it is necessary at this point? I rather not give anyone in this mess reason to contact each other. Even OWH contacting me is disturbing and a trigger.

I really would like to say a few things to the OW. Is this not advised at this point?

So much damage has been done though and I just don't know how to repair it. The level of their feelings for each increased during the time that I thought we working on our marriage. He told her he loved her and that he thought she was the one and he was planning to leave me for her. I just don't know how or if I can get beyond that. I'm always going to think he does not truly want to be with me, he wants to be with someone else. How do you stay in a marriage like that?

PoM, so glad to hear from you! Congrats!

You can get past what a drunk said to another drunk. It'll hurt like hell for an awful long time, but he can pay you JC for that and the more he pays the more it will lessen resentment.

But only if a full blown recovery is now in effect. What recovery conditions are in place?

As to the NC letter being a trigger at this stage... Hmmm.

I would imagine it will help the other couple. Her illusions destoyed, less fog for him to cope with.

Regardless, I would like to see him write it and offer it to you with the understanding you will send it, nevertheless. I think your resentment needs that gesture from him even if you decide not to send it.

Tell him you want it and will send it and ask him to write it out as it appears in the book.

Indiegirl! Great to hear from you.

Thank you. That comment about the drunks is just what I needed to hear and makes total sense. Hopefully I can get there.

What kind of JC do you think would help? I have to go back and read about that part, but is JC something I specifically ask for or something he should do on his own?

Recovery conditions:
-no contact with OW (obviously)
-no female friendships
-open everything: email, phone, facebook, all that
-spending more quality time (UA)

I think you might be right about writing the NC letter and giving it to me. Although, I'm not sure how genuine I will feel it is if he copies it out of the book... but I will do it.

Although I don't think I would send it, from what I got from OWH, her illusions do need to be destroyed.

If he educates himself via the words of the book and is happy to send those words to OW - then I think you will feel better.

'More' quality time sounds vague. 25 hours is good. I would tell him you both need to sit down Sunday afternoon and schedule it out.

What about the rest of the program lovebusters, POJA and the like?

Accounting for his time and letting you know where he is etc?

This was the situation before when you were posting here, wasn't it? They were working in different buildings but same company. Are they both still working for the same company?

Secondly, an EA escalates quickly to PA unless there is lack of opportunity (living in different regions etc), so I am always very skeptical when a poster says that their spouse was engaged in a long-term EA. To me that says the EA went PA and the BS just don't know it. Did you ever have your H submit to poly to ensure that you have full details of the A?

What did he say? Did he tell you something regarding the A that your H is telling you is untrue ?

Hmm...I agree.

We haven't sat down and mapped out the hours or tallied them. We should do that.

POJA - I should go over that with him...I forgot about alot of the program elements. Alot of it has been discussed and agreed upon (radical honesty, for example, LBs, etc) but I should read over the POJA.

Accounting for his time and letting me know where he is, yes.



They were working in the same building and working out at the same gym everyday. Now they work in different totally different towns and no longer work out at the same gym.

I have not had him submit to a poly.

I believe there was probably some type of physical thing that happened. Not sure I want to know what it was specifically because I honestly don't believe they slept together. And I don't know if I want to know the details of kissing, touching, hugging, whatever may have transpired. Not at this point anyway.


He wanted to meet me for coffee or a drink. He thought he had info I didn't have but it turned out my WH had already told me everything. He was angry that his WW is...basically still in love with my WH and not making an effort in their marriage at all. He wanted to meet with my WH. He wanted closure. He vented alot. But nothing new was revealed.