Sounds like you are doing the battle plan. So, let me just nibble around the edges.

As I eluded to above, make sure you include taking care of you. Remember, the first rule of combat is "take care of yourself." Why? Because if you dont, then you are no good to anyone else. Your kids (and maybe even your WW) are counting on you to be there. So, make sure you do tyhe little things that take care of you.

Second, you might want to shorten your prayers. Jesus sees you. He is standing right there with you. The betrayal you feel, He feels also...because your wife has not only betrayed you, she has betrayed Him. He weeps as you do.

Instead, my prayers got shorter as time went on...well, let me clarify that. I talk to Jesus constantly. That is the relationship part of the two of us. But when I say I shortened my prayers, I mean that I stopped with the laundry list of requests. He knows what I need.

All I ask now is two things. Number one is that His will be done, not mine. And number two, that he shows me walls and doors. Walls and doors are nothing but this...

In the Bible, it says that He is a lamp unto our feet. What does that mean? Well, in that day, the lamp they were talking about was a lamp with a candle in it...illuminating the path of a traveller at night. Well, how far does a candle illuminate? Not too far! Maybe a few steps in front of you.

But I have NO IDEA what lies down the road. It might be a dead end. It might be a cliff. I have no clue. And that is the point! When I pray "walls and doors," I am saying to Him "Jesus, I can only see a few steps in front. I am trusting you. So, I will pray for you to show me walls and doors. If the path I am on, if the decision I am making is not YOUR will, then please put a wall in front of me so I dont go over the cliff. If it is your will, then show me a door to go through."

Since I have done that...since I have relinguished my will to control my path...guess what? I have gotten walls and doors.

So, when I have designs to do something...but then it just seems to be getting harder and harder to do...and I cant get it done...I look up and ask "is this a wall?" And I quickly find out that even though I wanted to do this thing, it wasnt His will. And so I thank him, make a left or right face (or even an about face sometimes)...and we continue.

My relationship with Christ is one of beginnings. He walks with me. At times I stumble. But instead of laughing at me, or admonishing me, He just reaches down, picks me up, dusts me off...and we begin again. One foot in front of the other.

This is where you need to get to. You CANNOT control what is going on in the foxhole next to you. All you can do is concentrate on what is between your sector stakes...and let God handle the rest.

One last thing...my favorite general of all time once said "Wisdom is nothing more than healed pain." General Robert E. Lee

You are about to become VERY wise.

I had an interesting conversation with my WW this morning. She asked me to pick the kids up from school next Thursday so she could go to a counseling appointment. That lead to her telling me she would never forgive me for involving the kids. I asked her what I did specifically and she kept saying I knew what I did. I told her that I just gave them the truth about what was happening. She said she lost our son (11) because of it. She doesn't think she will ever get him back. She said I filled his head with things because I said I prayed for answers and they were coming to me. That lead to her saying we would never get back together because we have nothing in common, people tell her she's a better person when she's not with me, too much damage has been done, we don't talk about anything except the kids, it wasn't meant to be. I know this all sounds like wayward talk, but that's who she is now. She has adjusted to this new personality and she seems to enjoy it.

She told me to move on and not wait for her. She said just focus on the kids when they're with me and she will do the same when she has them. Then she asked me why I told the kids that our neighbor who's husband is in Afghanistan, has a boyfriend. I told her that I didn't want them around that environment and I was teaching them right from wrong. She said they didn't need to know that and they were too young. I told her that she needs to realize that the kids are smarter than she thinks. She said she knows how smart they are and that they need to enjoy being kids, not involved in adult matters. I told her that I was teaching them right from wrong and I appreciate her opinion, but that's what it is, her opinion.

After having that coversation, I feel like I'm making a mistake by trying to show her a way home. Of course, that's just how I feel at this moment. I think I'm just going to give her space. She hasn't been coming around much and doesn't respond to my text messages very often anymore. I don't have much time before the divorce is final so I may have to just accept that it's going to go through.

I ask Jesus to open and close doors for me and her. Maybe I'll shorten my prayers like you said. I have been eating more in recent weeks. I have fun with the kids. Now I just need to get out with friends. I'll be visiting my family this weekend.

I'm working on a way to convince my W to let our son live with me and have half custody of the other two. I know courts don't generally like that, but he thrives when he's with me. I'll be doing my research in the mean time.

Gunny, that is ALL fogbabble. Every last ounce of it.

If your wife were drunk, and said things...would you put much stock in it? Of course not...the booze would be talking, not your wife. This is no different.

You see, if she werent "intoxicated" right now, then after the hangover, she would have to open her eyes to the daylight and see the mess she made. Who wants to confront that?

Sometimes, I do like to throw a little fogbabble back in their face though. Like that statement about your son never forgiving her. My response? "So, you think we can never have the marriage we deserve and our son will never forgive you? Maybe you have a shallower view of love and family than I do. Both our son and I would freely forgive you. The family waits for you...should you want to re-enter it."

I kind of turn it back on her. But in the end, whether you do or not, dont worry about what they say. They have no idea what they are talking about!

Mortarman,

I've heard this name kicked around here for a while so I'm glad you're back.

I want to thank you for that post. It was so full of wisdom and greatly helped ME. Thanks.

Mark, sorry to hear about your situation.

But if you stay on the path with Him, some doors will open soon. And He will take this and turn it into something great for you.

Oh, by the way...another way to know if it is a wall or door is if it leaves a knot on your forehead!!

Honestly, I don't think my Plan A is working on her end. I probably should get my kids in counseling soon. My head is all over the place. My son told me that he likes it better without my W in the picture. He thinks life is better without her there. I felt real bad when he said that. I just told him that I wouldn't try to change his feelings, but that he doesn't have to push her out of his life because of me. He said he knows and that it's his decision. I really don't know how to handle that situation because all kids need both parents.

I really don't know where I should go from here. Part of me wants to go fight for custody and part of me wants to keep trying to win my W back. Going to battle for custody would definitely push her further away. Being in CA, Plan B would probably look like I'm the uncooperative spouse when it comes to the children. I know that she will show up at all events and I will too. I won't allow her to keep me away from them.

Then there's the debt. I have to trust that she will pay the bills that she's agreed to take over. I know that she cannot get the car in her name and won't agree to sell it. The only thing that I can see is good so far is the parenting plan and her waiving my retirement. Of course the MSA is still with legal so she can always change her mind at the last minute.

Gunny, I am going to slap you around a bit. As I am a former first sergeant, and you are a gunny...I know you will appreciate what I am going to do next!!



How do you know? You do not! You have no idea what is working or not. You are basing your understanding on incomplete intel and on listening to a "drunk." KNOCK THIS OFF! Let me let you in on a little secret...no matter if your WW is coming back or not, your orders are still the same. Your mission is still the same. Even if this ends in divorce, YOU MUST EARN YOUR WAY OUT! And this is how you do it. So, forget about what she is doing or saying!! We can tell you what she is doing and what she will say. She is no different than any other WS on here. Get this through your brain housing group (to use some Marine jargon): YOU ARE NOT UNIQUE and neither is your WW. Got it!


Now you are talking! This IS a part of the OPORD. This is a part of your mission!


They do! And your son is very wise. They do need mom and dad. But right now, mom has checked out of her senses. She might get them back. But in the meantime, you raised your son well enough to know that mom is not doing right. Smart kid. But take it from somone who has been there...if she returns, they will accept her with open arms. Why? Because you will.

You see, what makes something valuable? How do we assign value to something? Why is a paperclip worth less than a gold coin? Because value is what someone is willing to pay for that object/person! How valuable are you? Well, the God of the Universe sent His son to die for you...to take your place. How valuable does that make you?? And when your kids see their dad do all of the right things, to fight for their mom, their family, etc...then in the end, if she comes back...they will willingly accept her. Why? Because you have already assigned the value of her...what you were willing to pay for her.


WRONG! Fighting for custody will not push her away! Here is a clue: she is already away!! In the back of her mind, you fighting for custody and at the same time, fighting for her...will confuse her. But as the fog lifts...she will see you doing what you must as the man of the family. And what is that? In one arm, you have the kids as you run out of the burning building. In the other arm, you have the wife, kicking and screaming all the way!! Once the smoke (fog) clears, one day she will see that you rescued her and the kids. Now, if she just refuses to leave the burning building...in the end, you will have to get the kids and you out. But, there is still time now. Again, let's not get too far down the line here!


Get it in order then. I had no problem cooperating with the legal folks to get things divided up. As soon as it was, I stopped paying on what I didnt need to pay on. And two months later, her car was repossessed! And a month later, she was declaring bankruptcy. Unfortunately, there are going to be consequences (that BK is still sitting on her credit record!).

What I didnt go along with was the divorce. I dragged it out. I didnt cooperate with moving it forward until I was forced to!

On Plan B, as long as you can show the court that pertinent info is being passed between the parents in a consistent way, they will not care how that is done. The yalready know that you two dont get along...thus, the divorce!! Right? So, you putting in place a plan that works and allows the two of you to parent without the drama of your relationship is a GOOD THING in the eyes of the court.

Keep asking the questions Gunny. But be prepared for a few smacks also!

This is why we love us some Mortarman !

G,
Sorry, amigo, but just while READING her drivel, I felt my IQ drop four points! It must be brutal to actually hear it spoken.

"How dare you point out to our chidren that acting as slutty as I have been is WRONG?"

"How dare you prevent them from being around neighbor-skank, whose husband is deployed, as she goes heels-up for another guy?"

(And my particular "favorite".....)

"I have managed to dive deep enough into the cess-pit to find some people who think I'm right!"

Wow.......

My Son (11) stayed home from school today because he wasn't feeling well. WW asked to stop by to check on him so I agreed. To my surprise she told me that she did love me and she does miss me. She said she does see us getting back together. She asked me to have coffee tomorrow with her. I agreed. I was listening to the things she was telling me she wants in our marriage and that we could take it slow. Those things were spending time together, going out with each other, helping each other around the house, no double standards, trust and some other things.

I told her that I agreed, but there were some things missing like no contact for life with OM, no opposite sex friendships, complete honesty, no private life (phone, email, etc), putting each other as a priority, POJA, rule of protection and care, meeting each other's most important ENs.

I am still surprised to hear those words coming from her and I don't want to get my hopes up. She told me that she didn't really mean it when she told me to move on. I told her that we could call the Harleys to help us through this. She said she would, but didn't want to go see a marriage counselor because she always left there mad and they didn't seem to help.

In my state of shock, I know I forgot to mention other things it would take for us to rebuild our marriage. What should I do in order to ensure she is serious about committing to recovery? I want her back, but I need to know that it's a serious commitment. Where should I begin?

Take it slow. I would first get an appt with one of the Harleys, either Dr Jennifer Chalmers or Steve Harley. They can see if she is sincere and guide her back into the marriage. Has she ended all contact with loserboy?

Also, can you please pop into ascending's thread and tell him how to expose his wife's affair to her OM's company commmander? She is having an affair with a military guy.

Hi Mel,
When I saw that you had posted, I was waiting for my 2x4...lol...I will hop on his thread with pleasure.

WW has ended all contact with the OM, but I'm not 100% on this because I don't like to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I know that if there is a will, there's a way. I'll see if I can get her to call with me ASAP. Thanks.

I would just tell her you want to take this slow but you want to do it RIGHT. Ask her to speak to Steve Harley or Dr Chalmers FIRST before you make any moves.

LOL...I just came here to ask GJM to look in on ascending's thread as well.

Things are looking brighter G!!

Thanks!!

T/J. That is some GREAT stuff Mortarman end t/j

GJM, get her on the phone ASAP.