Scotland I appreciate your advice, but I have to disagree. If no amount of amotional EN meeting can make up for removing LB$ then there would be no point in any of this. An A causes a bankrupt LB.

I also had a list of questions about the A that H had refused to answer in the past. He was still refusing last night. He said, "I don't understand why you are still bringing this up and asking questions about this after a year and a half." He also said that if it was a deal breaker then it would just have to be. Then I told him it was and that he could move out if he didn't want to put any work in to help our marriage heal.
He picked my list up and swallowed his pride and went down the list and gave me every answer without hesitation. After he was done, I thanked him and burned the list.

We also went over out EN Questionnaires afterward. That went great! H was so open! He said that it did a lot for him. So I think we are finally ready to move into recovery.

struggling, you are doing exactly what I did with my H at one point in our marriage and I applaud you! It worked for me too. What you did essentially was raise the bar and told him there will be conditions for recovery or you are out.

I came to that point with my husband and told him I would be moving on rather than struggle in a bad marriage with him. It just wasn't worth it. Funny how he stepped up to the plate suddenly!!

So good for you for raising the bar and letting him know you have STANDARDS.

You can disagree with what I posted, but MB isn't just about EN meeting. Like a bank account, if you remove more money than you put in, you are overdrawn. You should be trying not to LB your spouse. Bullying and manipulation is WRONG and a HUGE LB. It's not from ME, it's what DrH says.

And I completely disagree that an A leads to a bankrupt LB. The fact that many BS still love their WS after an A dismisses that notion.

What is your plan now exactly?

I like this. This would have been a deal breaker for me too. Withholding vital information about your life *IS* a deal breaker because trust can never be restored if the OW and your H have secrets to which you are not privy.

you did good!

ITA with THIS. The initial post that I took issue with was the one where Strug said that she bullied and manipulated her WH into taking the EN questionnaire. Holding that bar HIGH is exactly what should be done.

Strug, would you have followed through with what you had said you would do?

struggling, Scotland is very right in theory that if you are lovebusting you will drain the bank faster than you can fill it. It is a losing proposition. That is correct as a general principle.

What you describe though, to me, was setting new conditions for your marriage. You told your husband that yes, it was a deal breaker if he didn't meet your conditions. I don't view that as bullying and manipulating. I view that as protecting your boundaries from someone who is causing you great harm.

ML, THIS is the post I was referring to.

Scotland we are going to start on learning about LB and LB$ "together." I also read what Dr. Harley said about ending and affair. It said that the WS must disclose the details of the A to the BS. He said this will remove LB$ but that it is a must.

Melody thank you! I feel so impowered today! I know it is just the beginning, but H looks and acts so much better this morning. I haven't seen this from him in a very long time. Not all people can fit into an exact mold. I have been a nurse for 12 yrs. While the principles for treating a certain illnes may be the same, sometimes the tx plan must be augmented to fit the "individual".

Oh ABSOLUTELY. You should know any and all details that YOU wish to learn about the A. As ML pointed out, there should be NOTHING between OW and your WH that you are not privy to.

I guess it was just the wording that you used last night that got my spidey senses working.

I was in an emotional whirlwind last night and my thought process was branched out to the max. I got all the details that I wanted from H last night. I did not ask for explicit details. If I knew those things I know I would never be able to move on.

Some people want more details than others. As long as you have the details YOU need, then that is good enough for me.

So where you going from here?

Scotland I would have followed through. That is what I had to do initially to get H to end A with OW. He is very angry with himself and has so much guilt and shame. He has this look like is going to vomit eveytime someone mentions an affair.

I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster for the past few days. I will feel really good for a little while and then something triggers me to think about H and OW and ALL the lies. H was confronting my step son about sneaking off to a big college town to party Sat. night. Everytime I heard H say the word honest or lie, I just wanted to vomit!

I had a huge melt down last night when H and I were talking about scheduling UA. He told me he thought it was ridiculous that I was not planning on spending anytime with my friends right now. He told me I made it sound like we would be joined at the hip. All of my suppressed emotions just came flooding out. I've never been a big cryer, but I was sobbing.

He has not called me today and text very little. I think we are both feeling a little overwhelmed with all the "sharing." Not sure how to proceded without seeming to controlling

Why in the world would you squander your leisure time with "friends" when your marriage needs attention? Your marriage is the most important thing in your life. And yes, when you are married, you are "joined at the hip." That is the goal.

I hate to say it, struggling, but your H sounds very independent and not very interested in your marriage. Your marriage is not going to recover unless he gets on board here.

The reason you have been on an emotional roller coaster is because you were put back to Day 1 of recovery because of his lies.

I would stick to your guns and make it very clear to him that anything less than a full committment to a plan of recovery is going to result in an unhapppy, miserable marriage. Let him know you are not up for that. Raise the bar, struggling, and don't back down. Be firm and polite.

ML, he is really not independent at all. He wants to know that he "can be" if he wants to. He is really very codependent. That was one of the things our therapist tuned into with him. Of coarse I inabled it by taking care of "everything" which made him feel emasculated. I have always been very verbal. H says he doesn't feel the need to talk about every thought he has. UHHHH!

I have been so polite since this all began that now all I want to do is slap the [censored] out of him! You are right! I do feel like I am right back to day one. I think he does too.

He did just call and tell me he was going to take a day off with me next week and asked if I could get a sitter for Sat.

Well looks like H has been reading my post! I did encourage him to read some of the stuff on the forums, so that he could find some advice for himself. No to spy on me.

I have decided against full exposure for the A. I know a lot of you will disagree with this, but I think it is what is best for my situtation. We are ready to start healing.

H was very upset at being "judged" by strangers on this forum. Sadly to say I don't think he will take advantage of the benefits he could get from the forums.

He is trying very hard and is really enthusiastic when we go through the questionnairs and material on the site. Even though H is the one who had the affair he often looks like he is in much more pain than I am.

Can anyone point out a thread that is supportive for the WH.

No, no, no.

Not exposing is one of the WORST things you can do here...

If you expose, people know what he did. THey hold him accountable. And they just might have some ability to help KEEP HIM THAT WAY.

It's your marriage, so your choice. As it is my choice not to stick around and watch.

Yes it is my choice. It has been almost two yrs since the A and that long since NC. It was revealed to the people closest to us. The people who are REALLY SUPPORTIVE. I have not told my parents because they are not THOSE type of parents. They are not compasionate and supportive. I will not have the A brought up everytime one of them calls or we see them, which is not often. Our daughter is 2 1/2 and my parents have kept her 3 times. All people are not the same. Just because I am the victim does not mean everyone that knows is going to run out and offer support. Some might see that as an opportunity to add insult to injury.

H is accountable for what he did and is held accountable by his peers, friends and some family.

We are moving along very well in our recovery. H has been doing everything he can to show me that he loves me and wants to be with me. I think we are both happier than we have been in a long time.

H has been givin his second chance. If he has another affair then he just will. It wont be because I didn't do my part. Then he can pack his bags and get ready to pay child support. I will not go through this again. Hats off to those that have. I know who I am and what I have to offer a partner. If H can't see that then to HELL with him. I do not want to live a double life as Sherlock Holmes for the rest of my life.