Ok, I need to post my story so I can get some ideas on whether I�m doing the right things, should do more, or do less.

My WW and I have known each other for 25 years, been married for 22. I will start off by saying that I did a stupid thing and had an A myself 19 years ago. No excuses, just a stupid, selfish act. My A lasted about 2 months. I told her right away, didn�t hide it, yet I didn�t stop right away either.

Our marriage always seemed like any other normal marriage. We had our arguments about money (all our problems revolved around money), not so much for lack of money, rather not managing it properly. I always wanted to have a budget to work from. Plan for the future, but also have fun and do stuff in the here and now. My W is a live for the moment, because you could die tomorrow. This became more pronounced after she became a RN and saw death and people hurting.

Back in the Spring of 2010, we had a typical argument about the bills and money, and she blinded me out of the blue with the �I think we should be roommates�. �you always spent more time with the kids than me�, �spent more time with my parents than her (not true)�. I do agree upon reflection, that I did become comfortable in our relationship and did seem to focus a lot on the kids. But I did not neglect my wife, I always told her that I loved her, would do lots of little things to show her that I loved her. But we didn�t do a lot of date nights when the kids were growing up. Of course I realize how important that is now. However, she was a good mother and she spent time with the kids as well and was comfortable in the marriage as well. I think it was a case of not focusing on each other as much as we should have (we loved each other, just should have had more communication). That�s another key thing, we probably should have had more quality communication. I often was afraid to rock the boat too much for fear of getting her upset.

So after the �roommate� 2x4, I began focusing more on my W, date nights, flowers for no reason, we held hands and kissed more in public. Our family was saying they noticed that and that it was borderline getting mushy. My W and I had the best time the Spring, Summer, and Fall of 2010. We were really connecting. Everything I�ve read, one would think there was an OM when she told me the �roommate� 2x4, but I don�t think so. I think it was a stern warning, a final straw. We spent so much time together after that, that I think I would have noticed something. So then the Spring of 2011, my W is going out with her girlfriends more, the typical staying over cause she drank too much, etc. Long story short, she confessed to having a boyfriend on 7/28/11. The next day she took off her wedding ring and pulled off her FB page that we were married.

Although saying that we were done, she never once mentioned D, ever. I exposed to her family and of course mine. I�m at a disadvantage because the OM is divorced, so I have no OMW to expose to. Believe me, that would have been the first one I went to, had I had the opportunity. I�m thinking the OM was divorced for around 6 months before my WW met him. So sounds like rebound for him?

At one point in September she got a severe chewing out by her brother and his wife. The next day she gave me a really caring hug out of the blue, out her ring back on, and was holding my hand. Then that night, she took the ring back off and when I asked her, she said she only put it back on for the kids? So it�s like she saw the light, then fell back into darkness right away.

WW moved into her own apartment on 11/18/11. She said in a phone conversation with a counselor that it was suggested a trial separation might help her sort things out. I now believe the separation was just a means to spend more time with OM as opposed to facing her family everytime she left the house to go out.

I didn�t find this site in the beginning, so I probably didn�t do a very good Plan A after D-Day. Since I had an A and had a better idea of how she was feeling (a lot of parallels), I felt that I �owed� it to her to have some space to figure things out.

WW gets really upset that her family is on my side and against what she�s doing. Her mom is �on her side�, just because she fears losing her daughter�s love. Her brother�s hate their mom for being �ok� with their sister�s behavior. So when I do stuff with my BIL�s, then WW gets fuming mad. During one of these episodes prior to Christmas, she actually texted me, �I think we need to get the divorce started. I wanted to wait until after Christmas. But I�m a wh*re�a bad person�.tore my family apart�..its time to get out of everyone�s life.� This was the first time she mentioned divorce EVER. but I ignored this text message since she was just looking for pity. It�s been over a month and she hasn�t mentioned anything more about a D.

I�m not in an official Plan B, however, I do not communicate with her unless it�s to do with the kids or finances. Our kids, DS17 and DD14, know what�s going on. Our kids live with me in the house. Our son refuses to go over to her apartment and has not done so yet. Our daughter will go over once a week and stay overnight. That�s all DD wants to do cause she doesn�t really feel like going over there either. WW will pop over and visit with the kids for about a half hour a couple times a week. One odd behavior was WW came over about 2 weeks ago and made us supper and stayed for about 2 hours. Not at all like her behavior of the prior 1.5 months since she moved out.

There are probably gaps in my story, please ask questions and I will fill them in. One thing is my WW is very upset that the kids don�t visit her and that they aren�t more understanding of her situation. Back when she lived at home, DD got into an argument with WW and asked why she couldn�t come back to the family and work things out with Dad. DD said don�t you want us to be happy. WW replied back to her �what about my happiness�? Nice thing to say to your daughter.

I see some many similarities between my WW and other WS�s on this site. It�s amazing. What prompted me to draft up my story was something I read where MelodyLane said something about being separated, I should still pay some attention to my WW, otherwise it will give OM more credibility in my WW�s mind. Or something along those lines. That�s why I don�t know if I should do a dark Plan B.

So looking for some advice. I think my WW has convinced herself that OM is her soul mate and all the other crap you guys have heard and experienced over the years on this forum.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts and replies.

Sorry about what you are going through. I was there but when I found out I divorced my wife. I was not going to finance her cheating or anything else.

I will let others give you advice but I was wondering about her moving out. Are you financing her still or is she on her own? If you are financing her activity I would stop.

Don't worry about her being mad she has already moved out and is sleeping with another man. I would not finance it. Best of luck to you.

I'm not financing it. She has her own checking account now. We split the bills, though I'm footing all of the costs of the house. But I have the kids with me, so I'm happy.

One of the issues that bothers me is I have no way of really exposing the OM. The guy is divorced, so no OMW to expose to. Can't expose to the OM's brother because he and his wife, plus the OM and my WW all go out and bar hop together.

I did manage to track down where I think the OM's xW lives. Thought about talking to her to see exactly why their marriage fell apart. From what I heard, his W cheated on him. I find it strange that a guy that has been cheated on by his W, gets divorced, then turns around within 6 months or so of the divorce and is with my WW, a married woman! There must be more to his story and I'd hope his xW would tell me, then I could have some valuable information on this dirtball OM!

I don't know if I have any choice but to just wait and let the A hopefully implode, crumble, whatever! It's been 6 months since D-Day and I've read where the A typically lasts that long. I know each situation is different, so not really counting on that statistic.

Hi stillwaiting, welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you are here.

I have a couple of questions for you.

1. how do you know the OM is divorced? Have you verified this?

2. Have your children been told the truth, that their mother left to pursue her affair with a bum?

3. has her whole family been told why she left?

4. does the OM have a facebook page? ]

5. have you ever spoken to this bum?

MelodyLane, so nice to see your reply.

1. The circuit court webpage for our state show his divorce was filed on 03/01/10 and the status is closed. I assume that means when they filed and not the date the divorce was finalized.

2. Yes, both of our kids know what she's doing and why she left. Of course, she tells them she left because of me.

3. Her whole family (2 brothers and their wives), know why she left and they're very upset with her. Her 1st cousin and his wife also know and they are likewise upset with her. I do not know what her other cousins and some aunts and uncles know. Her mother (my MIL) is basically on her side. She was against it in the beginning, but now she apparently has given in to the fact that she can't change her daughter's mind. Also, MIL is in her upper 60's and a widow, so she doesn't want to be alone. She always relied on my W and I to take care of her, and now that she sees the potential for our marriage to dissolve, she's basically staying on her daughter's good side.

Her BIL's and I have worked on her in the past to stand up to my W. If we could get her to make a stand against my WW, it could have a significant change on how things play out.

My WW is livid that her brothers are on my side. If her mom had a backbone and would do the same, it would really make her think. Especially since what little family support she has,
would evaporate.

4. Yes, the OM has a FB page. It's fairly locked down.

5. I have not spoken to this bum. I've asked about this on another forum and someone made a good point that he could say all kinds of things back to me. "Your wife is great in bed", etc. Plus, it may show some of my weaknesses?

Not sure, just getting myself more confused with each passing day.

I'm currently reading the 'My wife left and came back, but didn't end the affair' thread by Giraffe6.

Obviously, the best chance is to kill the A. Although I did expose in the beginning, I never exposed on the OM's side because I didn't see any avenues to do so.

And doing additional exposure 6 months after D-Day, is it even effective? Or should other tactics be implemented at this point?

Thanks for your answers. I would contact his X-wife, tell her about the affair and ask the marital status of the OM. Ask what led to their divorce.


Can you see his contacts? Can you ID his parents and family members?


Its always a good idea to the confront the OM. There are several reasons for this, among them are to flesh out any lies [because cheaters always lie to each other] and to scare him. OM are pansies so they are scared off easily.

You won't kill the affair with exposure at this point but you can inflict a huge blow by exposing to the OM's family. That will make it very uneasy for your wife to go around his family and will hasten its death. The OM is a worm who won't like the trouble and if you expose to his family there will be some who won't allow your wife to come around.

In the meantime, I would do a great Plan A. You have a huge advantage over weaselboy in that you have character. He is the kind of guy who will mistreat your wife so you won't have a hard time competing with him. The odds are greatly in your favor here.

So Plan A is still effective if we're separated? She has her own apartment. We do keep in touch if it's an issue with the kids or finance. She still stops by the house to visit the kids for a little bit a couple times a week.

If it's still an effective tool at this stage, then I will hone my Plan A skills.

I have to believe she is still in the fog. If she was really into this guy as her soul mate, I would think she would have pushed harder for a D or filed months ago. Wait, I should rephrase that. I'm confused because if we have a spat about something, she will almost inevitably toss in a 'you need to just move on' or something to that order. Yet she doesn't take the initiative to move on. So I'm holding down the household with the kids and just have this feeling that she's cake-eating and I'm her backup option. Else she would have filed. Argh!

All the statistics aside, common sense and logic tell me this A will never last. How can he trust her, and how can she trust him? For someone to be involved with a married woman right after supposed being destroyed by his ex-wife in a similar manner, I would have to say he's in it for the fun of it now and not looking for a serious relationship. But this is pure speculation. I need to speak with his X-wife.

Listen, this guy is a complete weasel who will go away soon enough. You have a serious competitive advantage here. you are the father of her children and you AREN'T a weasel!


DON'T have any spats!! None! Make yourself as attractive as possible. Next time she stops by be as pleasant and attractive as possible.

Another thing you should do is RE-DECORATE the house! Ask for her assistance.

Melody, thanks for the words of encouragement. Its been awhile since I've seen any glimmers of possibility.

Just get yourself out of Plan "C" [for compromise] and focus on doing a great Plan A. Her affair isn't going to last. And as long as you present an attractive option, you can catch her when the affair dies. You will do great!

I've been really good about being the 'nice guy' and not getting into any spats. If she would bring something up intended to start a fight or rile me up, I would just ignore it.

But Melody, your advice is just what I've been looking for and needing confirmation on. I needed to know whether I need to Plan B or Plan A her. I was getting myself confused with where I stood with her. My gut tells me to be amicable. But I also see postings where I should be fighting for her. She knows I want to work things out and save our marriage. I want to make an enticing place for her to land or come home to when/if this A implodes.

I do have a question: Have my WW help redecorate the house? I'm confused. I feel she'd laugh in my face.

Tell her you are going to redecorate and ask for her opinion. For example, make plans to repaint some rooms and tell her you can't decide on macadamia or cream puff. Ask what she thinks. Doing some redecorating will make you feel better about the house and might get h interested in your home.

Groan, it's getting late and I'm getting tired. I think I now see your point about the redecorating. But just to be on the safe side,
please elaborate. I want to make sure that I'm completely understanding any tips you're passing my way.

I don't want to miss out on any opportunities.

I just wish I knew about MB 6 months ago!

Great idea. Thank you!

Any additional help or ideas are much appreciated. Anyone else can chip in too. I've seen some FANTASTIC ideas from you and other vets on this forum.

It's very comforting to read all the great advice.

If it's ok, I will update on this thread as things go along.

For example, 2 weeks ago my WW comes over and cooks supper for the kids and I, then hangs around to visit a little bit. What's up with that?

Cake eating at its finest. You are still meeting some of your WW's EN's.

With a steller Plan A, you aim to meet as many as you can. Identify which ones are her top three, and try to concentrate on those. What are her top 3?

Don't worry if some of them you can't meet because you are separated.

Melody's suggestion of decorating is brilliant. I know few women who don't get excited about colours and making a home. Tell her you want her input, use admiration if it won't come across as insincere... you know your wife.

"I know you've always had such a knack with decorating", etc.

How is she when you demonstrate affection? I can see how decorating or painting together could be lots of fun and provide lots of opportunity for accidental body contact...

Better stop before I get carried away!

I do need to get your feedback on my actions this past weekend. Whether or not I did the right thing. Especially in light of your advice to Plan A.

My BIL invited me up north this weekend to go ice fishing. I get along great with both of my BILs, they've both said to me that I'm like a brother to them. So even though my WW gets mad when I'm in contact with her brothers, I decided to take him up on his offer. So my daughter and I went up north this past Saturday to do some ice fishing, get away from everything, and let my daughter hang out with her cousins.

Just as we were heading out the door to leave on Saturday, I quickly throw together a text to send to my WW telling her where we were going to be. Before I sent it, my WW texts my daughter asking what she's got planned for the day. DD replied going up north to <uncle's> with dad to fish. WW replies, "sounds like fun, have a good time".

Before we get out the door, WW calls DD and then asks to speak to me. She then proceeds to ask me when I was going to tell her I was taking our daughter out of town? And then goes on to say she's going to call my sister and go visit her, taking OM with her. I then said I don't want to talk to her if she couldn't be nice, then hung up on her.

She texted me about 10 minutes later and said "Sorry...have a good time". She then calls our DD and asks to speak to me. I just told my DD to tell her I wasn't being mean, but didn't wish to speak with her.

So my question is: if she gets upset when I do things with her brothers, should I not do anything with them? I think I should be allowed to do stuff with them. And I probably didn't handle it appropriately by hanging up on her?

If it's anything with affection, she ends to push it aside. I really haven't told her of any affection since she moved out, only demonstrating small acts here and there.

For example she said don't buy me anything for Christmas. So I made her something instead. I had an old window pane from her bedroom as a kid (long story), I took a bunch of pictures of our family and created a collage out of it and made a little poem that I glued on the back. Essentially she looked out this window as a child dreaming about her future family, and here's the same window with pictures of her family in it. Everybody loved it at Christmas, but she didn't show too much emotion over it.

Or this past Tuesday was DD's birthday. We all went out to eat as a family. My WW wore a new sweater and she looked absolutely beautiful! I complimented her a couple times. She said thank you. Then later on that evening after she had left to go to her place and I was home, I couldn't help myself. I texted her: "Just wanted to say.....you looked absolutely stunning tonight".

She replied back "Stop.....but thanks......"

So should I be showing some tiny signs of affection here and there? Valentine's Day coming up, buy her something? These past 6 months really have me confused and all your help is appreciated.

I need to study Plan A.