Joe, you did the right thing in calling her mother. Close family members should receive phone calls. Ask all of your family and friends to speak to her and use their persuasion to influence her to end her affair.

Your children over age 4 should also be told of the affair, giving them the full name of the OM. Kids need moral guidance because this is very confusing to them.

AverageJoe - seems you are struggling with exposure? You really need to do it. My wife's affair was DEAD within 2 weeks of exposure and we were rebuilding our marriage. That was in 2005 - it's well in our past now and we are recovered.

Read the Exposure thread you have been linked to and DO IT!!!

Just a quick update.....

I exposed the affair to her mother, brother, mutual facebook friends, and the OM's mother (I think it was her anyway). I couldn't get the list of all his facebook friends because he had me blocked.

She was PO'ed at me for revealing to her family. Later, she said she was relieved in a way because she hated lying to them.

My WW asked what I wanted her to do to stop my "crazyness". I told her that I wanted her to write a letter and send it to the OM telling him that the affair is over and not to contact her anymore. She said she would agree to that. I told her that I also wanted the passwords to her facebook accounts, smart phone, and e-mail accounts. She is agreeing to do that is well.

My WW says that she wants to find another place to live right now because she can't live in an environment in which I'm angry. It is honestly making her sick. I told her that as long as I know this affair is over and there are no more lies and deceit that I won't continue to be angry, so there will be no reason she will have to move. She doesn't believe it, but I'm working on that part with her.

I'm still skeptical right now that she is going to end the affair, but I'm going to give her a chance to prove it. I think she realizes that this affair is not worth the pain. I'll update later.......

Good job! Joe, she will have to set up her life in a way that the OM can't contact her and vice versa. For example, if she has a facebook account, it should be deleted. HEr email account should be cancelled and her phone # changed. One thing that others have done is to exchange phones for a while.

That is a start, I will read your posts again to see if I see something else.

Sounds to me like she wants to continue her affair in private without your interference. The same thing happened to me. The affair went underground. I hope that's not the case for you, but keep it in your mind that it's not over.

I don't want to change her phone number. The phone is in my name, and I get to see all the numbers she calls and texts.

But how does that prevent the OM from calling in? That is what needs to happen. See, if the OM is allowed to get to her, the affair is more likely to continue. Your ability to see the calls and texts cannot prevent that.

Other preventative measures are:

1. putting a GPS on her car [get zoombak at Radio Shack]

2. spending all leisure time together, ie: no more nights out with the girls

Is she willing to stop going out without you?

I see your point, but she can always give the new number to the OM just as easily if she wanted to continue the affair. also, I think she is scared to death of having me find out that she's still in touch with the OM. If I find out that he is calling her phone, then I will arrange for her to get a new number (on her/my phone). His number has not been in her phone reords since D-Day.

She�s likely going to take this underground, but if you do have a repentant and cooperative WW, then consider yourself lucky. Be very, very, very (did I say very?) skeptical of her right now.

She may get fogged out and give you garbage about how happier you would all be with a D, etc. Don�t let her feed that fantasy. If she mentions D, then let her know that you won�t make it pleasant and that you will use her adultery against her and will seek sole physical and legal custody of the kids. Let her know that you�d rather save things and rebuild the marriage.

WW�es like to feed the fantasy that they can have a Hollywood D where the exes get along splendidly and their all friends with the new partners in their lives.

So don�t let her go down that hole.

How old are your kids?

If you want to make sure the affair ends, then she needs to BLOCK him from getting through NOW. Don't take chances like that, it is not worth it. If she is scared to death of the OM contacting her then she will change the # so he can't get through. Waiting to see if it happens again is not a solution, because the affair can be reignited that way. By the time you see contact it will be too late because she will be triggered and the affair will be resumed.

We have another BH who used to be on this board whose WW's affair re-started this very way. They left some avenues open and the OM contacted her again and the affair resumed. They are now divorced because she left him for the OM.

Every time there is any contact whatsoever, your wife goes back to Day 1 because she will be triggered again. It is like an alcoholic taking a drink. One drink leads to a binge.

So it is extremely important to cut off all avenues of contact in the beginning especially. She is in withdrawal so don't leave any doors open.

You need to be PROactive about this - not REactive. That's like saying you'll let your alcoholic spouse carry a bottle in her purse, and if you find she's been drinking it you'll take it away.

You take it away first. End of temptation.

Joe - your wife is WEAK right now so as others have said you need to make it as hard as possible for OM to contact her! Swapping phones is not about him not having her number or new number it's about him not being able to contact her - this is critical right now.

As soon as he rings her - even if she doesnt answer - she will be triggered.

Triggers make waywards slip up.

So slipping up might mean answering the call. In fact she will.

Remove triggers.

Is keeping a silly number worth risking your M?

The phone is in your name then changing the number will still leave you with the same access to monitor WW cell for NC.

Good points about the phone, I'll see what I can do about getting the number changed. She uses the phone as her work phone as well, so I know she will fight me tooth and nail.

Anyway, a quick update.....
Last night, similar to the night before, my WW went to bed with awful stomach pains, which kept her up most of the night. Today, she went to see the doctor. She found out that she has an ulcer, pre-diabetes, mild depression, and anxiety. My WW has always been a picture of health in the past. She told the doctor about her affair, and he is attributing every health problem to her fidelity problem! She understands now the damage she has caused to our family and now her own health. She told me in tears that she knows it has to stop, and she is going to end it pronto. She told me she will e-mail him a letter and that I can proofread it.

I still plan to watch her like a hawk.....check her e-mails and phone constantly. I know there is more to the story as well...I think she has some enabling friends at work. I just need to be careful of stressing her out too much right now.

Actually - there is no really important obstacle that wont let her change the number, think about that. Necessary contacts can very easily be reinformed about the new number. Your WW is reluctant because as any other wayward, they will talk about erasing the affair past but seldom actually go through it.

This is still all talk no walk. You can only believe in actions when dealing with waywards. They are very good giving you empty promises and since you are desperate for such information you can very easily fall into that trap.

I did.


Good!

I you feel there is more then use Operation Investigate subforum here for better snooping.

You wouldn't believe the health problems my wife has had as a result of her affair. IBS, stomach pains, vomiting (mostly on days OM was at work), etc... Even spotting during the rest of the month.

About the stress thing... A little more stress here on the front end will save her long term stress from lying and hiding stuff. I'd press her on getting the full truth sooner rather than later.


CV

Agree. Your WW needs to understand that stress is a by-product of the affair she CHOSE to pursue. Cleaning up after the A is going to cause some stress. She'll have to be a big girl about this.