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As one who would know, you are in the right place mentally.
Dont let the bumpy ride let you lose focus.
Let her earn forgiveness.
Come here and let the people here walk you through the ups and downs.
I did and still do.
Stick with the MB strategy as you have been. I think its taking you on the best path.
Ive made some mistakes in the process since my dday, but what I have and its sounds like early on you have too, my wife is onboard with me and we recovered stronger each time.
It gets better.
Last edited by MikeStillSmiling; 01/31/12 01:39 PM.
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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He could have been anybody. You've won part of the battle by realizing this. My H said the same thing about his OW - she could have been anybody. It was the EN's the affair partners were filling.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Right now I feel like, what exactly did I win? BANG! Million dollar question, ain't it? I can't tell you what you've won, Bricks. Nobody here can tell you what you've won. It's up to your wife to demonstrate "the prize."
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
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She passed 4 of the 5; unfortunately the failure was probably the most important one:
Did you have any further contact with OM after the morning of Thursday, Jan. 26?
(the date/time that she said was the last contact).
There was some confusion over this date at first when I asked her for it, but she said was sure about it in the end.
She agreed to another test in the future regarding continuing contact.
We have counseling with the Harleys already scheduled, and too late for refund.
I guess we might as well, as it is paid for. Unfortunately now my heart isn�t really in it.
Any advice?
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We have counseling with the Harleys already scheduled, and too late for refund.
I guess we might as well, as it is paid for. Unfortunately now my heart isn�t really in it.
Any advice? This is exactly why you keep the appointment. I think you'll have a different outlook on things after your session.
Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
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Bricks, I would not make any decisions until you have had counseling with the Harleys. I know your mind is like a ping pong ball at this time. It sounds like your wife is wanting to keep the marriage together. The next poly test might clear up the first discrepancies. Just try to think before you make any decisions that you might regret. I hope things work out for you.
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Prepare to go up and down a lot.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Sit tight and meet with the Harleys. This not the time for decisions or reactions. I hope you did not think a trip for a test was going to fix every thing. This was only one of many steps.
Remember recovery is a two to five year event.
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I curious who tipped you off and sent that letter. Was is OM? Did WW try to end affair? Did Om try to get to you to leave WW?
Last edited by TheRoad; 01/31/12 05:44 PM.
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Thanks, everyone.
Pep--I'm glad you reminded me, I needed that!
Road, yes, I naively did think the poly would fix (just about) everything. As for the picture and who sent it, we both guess it was his wife, but no way to know for sure. The poly examiner asked the same question. My wife did say that she thought the OM was �infatuated� with her and �very jealous� of me.
It�s so confusing because she did everything that I asked for. Tonight, she said that she wanted to tell the kids what is going on, something I did not yet request. Earlier (before ploy was scheduled), she even volunteered previous contact information (pay-as-you-go phone) that I would never be able to obtain.
To move forward, I have to believe her. I�ll give this my best shot.
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To move forward, I have to believe her. I�ll give this my best shot. 'Trust, but verify' - President Ronald Reagan (and many others) Bricks, when I urged you to go for it based on your WW's apparent eagerness to work with you, I should have added the condition that everything must be out on the table, and both of you need to be completely open and honest. This will be difficult for her to do at the beginning as she is still sooooo freakin' foggy. You don't have to believe her. You can't really believe her if she's still foggy can you? You have to keep monitoring everything. That's the only way you will develop the confidence to trust her. I know that probably sounds contradictory, but you will be able to trust her only when you're satisfied that you know everything that is going on. Fasten your seat belt - you're in for a bumpy ride but a ride that will be well worth it if you can save your marriage and built a fantastic relationship with your wife.
Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook) After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11 D final 03/12
'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them' Jay Severin
'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more' Tony Robbins
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She passed 4 of the 5; unfortunately the failure was probably the most important one:
Did you have any further contact with OM after the morning of Thursday, Jan. 26?
(the date/time that she said was the last contact). Bricks, if you are certain you uncovered ALL of the ways that they communicated and blocked access to any further contact (BTW you cannot "believe" her yet, you need to keep your eyes WIDE open)...just thinking out loud...there is the possibility of "indirect" contact wherein she may have looked at something related to the affair (email, note, momento, ??) since the date of NC and that could have caused the fail on that Q. Might want to investigate that and make sure all of those types of things are destroyed. Hang in there.
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As for the picture and who sent it, we both guess it was his wife, but no way to know for sure. The poly examiner asked the same question. My wife did say that she thought the OM was �infatuated� with her and �very jealous� of me.
It�s so confusing because she did everything that I asked for. Tonight, she said that she wanted to tell the kids what is going on, something I did not yet request. Earlier (before ploy was scheduled), she even volunteered previous contact information (pay-as-you-go phone) that I would never be able to obtain. When are you going to tell the kids, Bricks? You need to lay it out for them.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Along these lines .....
Kids, I have some serious things I need to discuss with you. Come sit by me and get comfortable.
You know that married people are not supposed to date someone other than the person they are married to. Right? That's call being faithful, and being faithful is part of the marriage vows. Vows are promises we make to each other and to God when we get married.
Well, Mommy made a very serious mistake and she broke that marriage vow. Mommy became unfaithful with another man. Mommy got caught. This has hurt me deeply. Both Mommy and I are in a lot of pain and distress. We are trying to fix this, but I do not know what will happen in the future. I do know this. I will always be here for you. I will always love you. I will not lie to you. I will also tell you when I do not have the answer, but I am working on the answer. I also know for CERTAIN that none of this is your fault. None of it.
Do you have any questions?
[Answer questions]
Let's do a group hug.
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Pep, the only part of that I don't like is that "Mommy got caught". As if that were the serious mistake she made...
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Pep, the only part of that I don't like is that "Mommy got caught". As if that were the serious mistake she made... I disagree. It says that she was keeping it secret and got caught in doing so. It validates that she knows what she was doing was wrong and she got caught. She broke her marital vows which caused mommy and daddy to be in a lot of pain and distress. It also teaches the children that parents aren't the only people affected by the poor judgement. Consequences of right vs wrong.
Me: BH 36 Her: WW 34 Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9 DDay 1-6/2009 DDay 2-9/2011 DDay 3-11/2011 Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011 Divorce final May 24, 2012 My Story
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When I post in this manner, it's not to be taken word for word but as a suggestion or as a starting off point, that can be used to form your own words.
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Pep, the only part of that I don't like is that "Mommy got caught". As if that were the serious mistake she made... Mommy didn't make a mistake, she made a choice. Just sayin . . .
Me: BH 60 - Married 21 years ExW had an EA beginning 09/09 (Facebook) After a few false recoveries, I filed for D 05/11 D final 03/12
'Be Mindful of Your Many Blessings and Endeavor Daily to be Worthy of Them' Jay Severin
'Life is a gift and it offers each of us the privilege, the opportunity and the responsibility to give something back by becoming something more' Tony Robbins
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Bricks, my daughter was 6 years old whenever my wife left me. I told her that mommy had a boyfriend and did not want to live with daddy anymore. I also told her that she could see mommy anytime she wanted to. I also let my daughter know that sometimes people fall out of love. From the start we had decided that we were going to be civil through out the divorce which was next to impossible. The only problem I had was a question from my daughter wanting to know what a "period" is. Thank god for my mother being able to help with some of the questions since I had primary custody and did not know how to answer some of the questions. The main thing is be truthful with your children and above all let them know that nothing between mommy and daddy is their fault.
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