As one who would know, you are in the right place mentally.

Dont let the bumpy ride let you lose focus.

Let her earn forgiveness.

Come here and let the people here walk you through the ups and downs.

I did and still do.

Stick with the MB strategy as you have been. I think its taking you on the best path.

Ive made some mistakes in the process since my dday, but what I have and its sounds like early on you have too, my wife is onboard with me and we recovered stronger each time.

It gets better.

You've won part of the battle by realizing this. My H said the same thing about his OW - she could have been anybody. It was the EN's the affair partners were filling.

BANG!


Million dollar question, ain't it?


I can't tell you what you've won, Bricks. Nobody here can tell you what you've won.


It's up to your wife to demonstrate "the prize."

She passed 4 of the 5; unfortunately the failure was probably the most important one:

Did you have any further contact with OM after the morning of Thursday, Jan. 26?

(the date/time that she said was the last contact).

There was some confusion over this date at first when I asked her for it, but she said was sure about it in the end.

She agreed to another test in the future regarding continuing contact.

We have counseling with the Harleys already scheduled, and too late for refund.

I guess we might as well, as it is paid for. Unfortunately now my heart isn�t really in it.

Any advice?

Take deep breaths.

This is exactly why you keep the appointment. I think you'll have a different outlook on things after your session.

Bricks, I would not make any decisions until you have had counseling with the Harleys. I know your mind is like a ping pong ball at this time. It sounds like your wife is wanting to keep the marriage together. The next poly test might clear up the first discrepancies. Just try to think before you make any decisions that you might regret. I hope things work out for you.

Prepare to go up and down a lot.

Sit tight and meet with the Harleys. This not the time for decisions or reactions. I hope you did not think a trip for a test was going to fix every thing. This was only one of many steps.

Remember recovery is a two to five year event.

I curious who tipped you off and sent that letter.
Was is OM?
Did WW try to end affair?
Did Om try to get to you to leave WW?

Thanks, everyone.

Pep--I'm glad you reminded me, I needed that!

Road, yes, I naively did think the poly would fix (just about) everything. As for the picture and who sent it, we both guess it was his wife, but no way to know for sure. The poly examiner asked the same question. My wife did say that she thought the OM was �infatuated� with her and �very jealous� of me.

It�s so confusing because she did everything that I asked for. Tonight, she said that she wanted to tell the kids what is going on, something I did not yet request. Earlier (before ploy was scheduled), she even volunteered previous contact information (pay-as-you-go phone) that I would never be able to obtain.

To move forward, I have to believe her. I�ll give this my best shot.

'Trust, but verify' - President Ronald Reagan (and many others)

Bricks, when I urged you to go for it based on your WW's apparent eagerness to work with you, I should have added the condition that everything must be out on the table, and both of you need to be completely open and honest. This will be difficult for her to do at the beginning as she is still sooooo freakin' foggy.

You don't have to believe her. You can't really believe her if she's still foggy can you? You have to keep monitoring everything. That's the only way you will develop the confidence to trust her. I know that probably sounds contradictory, but you will be able to trust her only when you're satisfied that you know everything that is going on.

Fasten your seat belt - you're in for a bumpy ride but a ride that will be well worth it if you can save your marriage and built a fantastic relationship with your wife.

Bricks, if you are certain you uncovered ALL of the ways that they communicated and blocked access to any further contact (BTW you cannot "believe" her yet, you need to keep your eyes WIDE open)...just thinking out loud...there is the possibility of "indirect" contact wherein she may have looked at something related to the affair (email, note, momento, ??) since the date of NC and that could have caused the fail on that Q. Might want to investigate that and make sure all of those types of things are destroyed.

Hang in there.

When are you going to tell the kids, Bricks? You need to lay it out for them.

Pep, the only part of that I don't like is that "Mommy got caught". As if that were the serious mistake she made...

I disagree. It says that she was keeping it secret and got caught in doing so. It validates that she knows what she was doing was wrong and she got caught. She broke her marital vows which caused mommy and daddy to be in a lot of pain and distress. It also teaches the children that parents aren't the only people affected by the poor judgement. Consequences of right vs wrong.

When I post in this manner, it's not to be taken word for word but as a suggestion or as a starting off point, that can be used to form your own words.

Mommy didn't make a mistake, she made a choice.

Just sayin . . .

Bricks, my daughter was 6 years old whenever my wife left me. I told her that mommy had a boyfriend and did not want to live with daddy anymore. I also told her that she could see mommy anytime she wanted to. I also let my daughter know that sometimes people fall out of love. From the start we had decided that we were going to be civil through out the divorce which was next to impossible. The only problem I had was a question from my daughter wanting to know what a "period" is. Thank god for my mother being able to help with some of the questions since I had primary custody and did not know how to answer some of the questions. The main thing is be truthful with your children and above all let them know that nothing between mommy and daddy is their fault.