We have been married 15 years. We have 3 kids 13, 11, 4. She told me Sunday she wants a divorce. We are still talking after a couple fights, we are sleeping in separate beds.

For years now I've been striving for bigger better everything in our lives. I forgot to show her love. Now she says she has no love for me and doesn't think she can get it back. In this process she has been talking to another guy and thinks she might have feelings for him.

I have been reading the book "His needs her needs". She is reading it also. I seen our exact situation in the first chapter. She is wanting to move OUT so she can have her space and time to think. She wants nothing to do with me now. I don't know how to get her back if she refuses to accept everything I do. I did buy 24 roses that will be sent to her today, with a nice note. She doesn't want me to touch her. I'm thinking lots of cards little notes.

She is afraid if she gives in it will happen again and she doesn't want to put our household through this again.

How can I get her back before she is gone for good?

Thanks

She wants to leave so she can pursue her affair with this OM. Her goal is to quietly replace you. So the way she does this is to conjure up every grievance going back 20 years to make it appear like it is YOUR FAULT. It is a trick designed to blame you so she can feel justified in having her affair.

Have you been snooping on her? Do you have direct evidence of the affair?

WW don't give the divorce speech unless they have another man lined up to replace you.

Dollars to doughnuts your WW is in a PA with this OM.

WW moves into another bed this way she is being faithful to the OM.

Time to quietly gather evidence then come back here for a plan of action. Don't go off half-cocked. And don't reveal your sources. You do not have to proof the truth WW knows the truth.

Key looge for the PC

Monitor all phone bills for new number or any number that has frequent usage

Hide VAR in WW car and one in the home

Realtime GPS in WW car

If you can get access to WW cell people here know how to install soft ware to get WW texts.

Not your fault.

Many of us on the betrayed side of the fence are too quick to take blame.

Some mutant managed to gain your wife's attention and has began (and I bet its begun some time ago, sorry to say) to meet needs you were admittedly not meeting.

Given enough time a cheater will forget about her husband, 3 innocent children she had with that husband, and will seek to meet up with a homewrecking deviant. Why? According to the extensive research by the founder of this site, all of us are able to engage in extramarital affairs. A simple act of meeting a need of someone of the opposite sex is all is takes.

Chances are when you put the MB program in to place, you both will realize where the difficiencies are AND if its possible to salvage marriage.

But, first you must kill the affair dead. Follow the advice to follow and ask questions.

We are so sorry you are going through this
but
welcome

Have you read this post yet?
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Also, if your user name is your actual name.....you ought to change it so that you are not vulnerable to the cyber world.

Hey *edit* have you gotten the I love you but not in love with you speech? How she wants to be your friend and everyone can be best buds when she shacks up with another guy?

She is guilty, frightened and prob not making much sense. That is because affairs are like addictions and change the person's personality. They forget everything they once valued.

Sending roses is good, but futile unless you can kill the affair.

Her reaction to the roses is not likely to be very good while she is still in the midst of this addiction to the excitement of an affair.

You can kill the A with evidence and exposure, while stressing you love her and will fight for her.

It is your best shot.

My friend, you�re in trouble. You�re having the wool get pulled over your eyes.

Agree to nothing. Say that there won�t be any talk of divorce and that you won�t engage in it at all. Let her know that if she wishes to leave she is free to do so but that you and the kids will stay here. Let her know that if she decides to go down that path that you will fight her and will fight for custody.

Shatter her fantasy. Her fantasy is that you and her will have an amicable divorce (no such thing) and that she will go and find happiness with this other man. I hate to tell you this, but this is a full on affair. She�s done more than just talk to this guy.

What you need to do right now is snoop to get the truth. Put a VAR in her car and I�m sure you�ll capture one of her conversations confirming the affair. Put a keylogger on the computer or break into her accounts if you already know the passwords.

Your rights as a father are in jeopardy. Take it from a man who has walked in your shoes and reacted as you�re reacting right now.

The advice I�m giving you is based on experience and based on what I wish I had done in my past. Don�t ignore what we�re telling you since we�ve been in your shoes and have seen this movie a million times.

Snoop. Get the truth.

Once you have the truth you will need to expose the affair. Exposure will need to be done without warning. You tell anyone and everyone who can influence it to end.

This includes your kids. The advice we give is counterintuitive, but it works and it kills affairs. Take it from someone who DIDN�T follow the advice given.

Yes I have gotten the I love but not in love with you talk.

This guy is a friend of both of ours. They did kiss Saturday night but she says she pulled away and told him they can only be friends. She is still talking with him mainly texting. I think she is telling the truth.

All of her family and close friends are telling me what's going on. Her best friend says they talk a lot but positive no sex has happened.

I also got the nice divorce speech and we can all be friends in the end and our kids will switch houses every week with 50% custody.

I just got a call and the flowers couldn't be delivered today.

*edit*, she is lying to you. She wants you out so she can resume her affair with this guy. "I love you but am not in love with you" means she has a new point of comparison and is in love with the OM.

If you want to save your marriage, you have to run the OM off and tell him to hit the road. Go to your wife and DEMAND that she end her affair. Go to the OM and tell him to take a hike.

Tell her you will not cooperate with any separation schemes, will not move out, will not let her take the kids without a court order, and MOST OF ALL, WILL NOT BE HER "FRIEND" WHILE SHE CARRIES ON AN ADULTEROUS AFFAIR WITH HER AFFAIR PARTNER.

Stop contributing to the demise of your marriage and your children's family and start fighting for it. If you don't buck here, you are going to lose everything.....FOR NO GOOD REASON.

Any children that are over age 4 should be told about their mother's affair.

Is this OM married?

Blah, blah, blah, blah. Youare going to learn VERY quickly that what WSs say means nothing. Believe none of what comes out of their mouth. Only believe verfiable actions.

The scenario she is painting will NOT be happening. There is no such thing as co-parenting. So, that reality willl be presented to her in due time.

In the menatime, you need to verify what her status is with this OM. Dont believe her, nor her family, nor her friends. Find out. Some folks above gave you very good info on how to start.

Plan A her. See if she will counsel with the Harley's by phone. Tell her that you do marriage, you dont do divorce and will not participate in it.

When doing Plan A (and you really do need to read up on all of the books and info on this website!), you are trying to meet needs. But you do NOT have to give into her foggy thinking. Thus, you wont be participating in divorce. It is damaging to the kids, and to both of you.

Anyway, please keep posting with info, read up on everything here...and get the goods on her.

Tell her no thanks. You will stay in your home and so will the kids. The kids should not be dragged out of their home to accommodate your wife's sleazy affair. It is your responsibility to protect your children!

*edit*

She may not have had sex with the friend but I think if you asked she will tell you she is emotionally involved with him and probably has been for a while, it is called an affair, EA.
I think you stay on this board, don't tell her about it and start reading everything on the site, in order to recovery your marriage and you can with a good plan....stay and the vets will walk you through it.
Right now you snoop, put a keylogger on your comp, put a spy device on her phone, and make sure that there isn't more going on then you know about, if there is don't confront yet, come back get the next step........
I will tell you this that all waywards lie and cover up the real truth to keep themselves and the affair partner safe from exposure........don't believe a thing for now.......don't tell her that though.....
Be the sweetest man you can be for now, find out what you are dealing with.
Tell her over and over again that you will not discuss divorce only marriage building..........do not agree to separation or do not move out of the house whatever you do, she is looking for time and space to continue her relationship with her OM and that is what he is, I know you don't want to hear it ........we were all in the same boat at one time..........
so for now figure out where and what is happening and don't confront, come back to get more advice on how to move forward to save your marriage and you can if you have a great plan........this is marriage builders

You cannot believe anything your wife tells you. SHE IS A LIAR. AFFAIRS ARE BUILT ON LIES.
The first step is to expose their affair. Is her boyfriend married?
Does he have a girlfriend other than your wife?

DO NOT EXPOSE THE AFFAIR UNTIL YOU HAVE COMPILED A LIST OF HER RELATIVES, WITH THEIR CONTACT INFORMATION, THE BOYFRIENDS RELATIVES AND CONTACT INFO, CLOSE FRIENDS CONTACT INFO, ANY FRIENDS YOU HAVE AS A COUPLE (CHURCH FRIENDS, PASTOR, ETC)...

AND WHEN YOU HAVE THIS INFORMATION COME BACK FOR INSTRUCTIONS ON HOW TO EXPOSE IT. FOLLOW THE ADVICE OF POSTERS LIKE MEDLODYLANE AND OTHERS. DO NOT EXPOSE ON YOUR OWN; ITS IMPORTANT TO DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME

Ah, the old �we only kissed and I stopped it because it was wrong� speech.

Heard that one before.

The reality is more likely than not �we did it and I felt bad afterwards about it but loved it as well.�

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.

Much of what needs to happen right now relies on YOU. That means you need to gather your evidence and expose and you need to shatter any fantasy she has about amicable divorces. MM is right, there is no such thing as co-parenting. There is parallel parenting. That means you watch the kids when they�re with you and vice versa and there is no friendly get togethers like she imagines. She imagines in her head that you will divorce, be friends, get together with your new loves, and all get along splendidly, as in some Hollywood movie.

This is why it is very important that YOU end the fantasy by making it clear that you will not discuss divorce and that if she goes down that path that you won�t accept 50/50. You�ll fight for sole physical and legal custody and you�ll use her affair against her if she pursues a divorce.

Will that happen? No. You won�t get sole custody. You�re lucky, as a man, to get 50/50.

But 90% of dealing with her is mental. It means that you stand your ground. It means you play with confidence and bluff a lot. It means you clarify to her that she will have a big fight on her hands if she goes for a divorce.

This means you make it clear that you won�t make it easy.

But you need to spy and you need to not act afraid. You�ll be afraid, but you can�t show it. Be strong.

Do not believe that she is telling you the truth.
She will lie on her childrens lives right now.

Get over to the spying forum and get ahold of her text messages.

I'm sorry for the pain you have coming...

Yes several people know of evrything going on with us. Her friends, mom, sister know everything and trying to get her to try and make it work.

Im receiving all the info from everything she says to everyone in texts and on phone. Her sister let me know. She says when I'm at work she thinks she wants to make it work but when I get home and start talking to her she gets other thoughts.

We are going to a local marriage counselor on the 8th. I just want a fair chance to win her love back and save us and our kids from this.

She would have already moved out if she could afford it. I went to a friends one night and told her I was coming back. I'm not giving up my house or kids.


If she could afford it she would already have m

Seriously, do you believe that you could flirt with a woman for months, in this secretive, over-sexualized manner, and simply �just kiss� when the opportunity presented itself?

Marriage counseling is a waste of time so long as she's in an active affair.

If this man is your "friend" then you need to let him know that you're coming after him and are going to make his life hell unless he gets the he77 away from your WW.

And your WW will be furious and her anger will come in massive doses in an effort to control you.

Go read GJM's thread.

Save your money on the MC and give the Harleys a call.

*edit*, the way you can tell she is lying is if her mouth is moving. Like it has been said before there is no such thing as a friendly divorce. You need to do some serious snooping and you will find out that this is a physical affair. Sorry to have to tell you that.