lol, but it's not a bad idea for later on down the road

how long does it normally take Dr. harley to respond to email?

If you don't hear anything back within a few days, email them again. They have an overactive spam filter, and many people find that their first email gets lost. Happened to Markos and me.

If you don't hear anything after the second email, click notify and ask the mods to help you get in contact.

thanks Prisca!

Hey Q >. while your waiting for a reply from Dr. Harley, you can always read other peoples threads .. sometimes you can pick up or gain perspective from doing that. You are getting some excellent help here. Keep it up!

Melodylane, I have re-written the letter for my H...


Dear Bear,

I write you this letter with love and want so much for us to have a happy marriage. I am desperately unhappy and consider the future of our marriage unhopeful at this point. I have to be honest and tell you I don't know how much longer I will remain in this marriage unless something changes.

I know I have made mistakes in the past and failed to make you happy especially when I have criticized you in front of others. I know that was wrong and I will work on trying not to do that again. As I become aware of the things I have done to hurt you and push you away I can resolve to change them so that we can have the best relationship we possibly can.

I want us to have a happy and loving marriage where we are both satisfied and in love. I do want to make you happy and am willing to do what it takes to achieve this. I know how we can get that again, if we can both make appropriate changes.

I am willing to make these changes to make you happy and am asking that you make changes too.

I am asking that you make the following changes:

1. Stop playing games on the computer and with friends. Commit to never going on the computer unless it is you and me together reading news, emails or watching movies

As it is now, I feel that I come second place to your gaming and this hurts me terribly.

2. Commit to spending 20 hours per week with me ALONE focusing on conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

This step is essential to the rebuilding the romantic love in our marriage.

3. Commit to going through the Marriage Builders program with me.

Please think about what I have said and let�s see if your mom will take the kids on Friday night so we can go out to dinner and discuss it. I want to love you with all my heart.

Bo

I would just like to say that this letter is MUCH better than the previous one. To the point ... and owning your own mistakes and offering a solution to make it all right.

So I just got a call from Joyce Harley, Thanks to mods for helping me get in touch with them! I will be on the show next tues feb 7th.

Just by note I have not given the letter to my H yet, I was waiting to see what happens here with Dr. Harley.

thanks to everyone who has helped me with this issue, we shall see what happens next!

Hey Q .. this is great! I am looking forward to hearing what Dr.Harley has to say to you!

haha! after re-listening to it, I can hear my 2yr old in the background, lol!

So .. how did it go Q? What did you take out of being on the show?

well... I'm going to ask him to listen to the show tonight...I'm concerned about how that will go I will see what he has to say about it, see if he wants to talk to them... and I will ask him to commit to reading the material with me. They said that they will send us love busters to read.
I'm not completely sure they understood this was a problem outside of the pregnancy, but I think the advice still stands.
They said that I should address the issue now because otherwise it create a resentment that will become hard to forgive and will surface again later on down the road when things aren't bad if it's not addressed now. So if we deal with it now it will be easier to provide the opportunity needed to forgive him.
They said we need to sit down and find things we can do together. they suggested the computer may need to go.

Q! ... I only caught the end of the show where the harleys read out that you told them how awesome my marriage is and how we refered you to the MB site, but will listen to it all later with my wife ... Thanks for that Q I appreciate that! My marriage is FAR from perfect but compared to what it was before MB .. its amazing and it continues to get better all the time!

Thats great that they are sending you Love Busters .. its a GREAT book! Keep up the great work Q.

I am looking forward to listening to your radio show later with my wife during some UA time.

MNG

Good job on the radio, Q! I hope Dr H can get through to your husband.

Q!
I haven't been following your thread, but I heard you on the show and then saw your name here and sure enough it was you. I have nothing to add but wanted to thank you for going on the show. I listened with my GF as we often do. I was saying that even though some situations don't apply to us directly (e.g. I'm too old for video games, lol), Dr. Harley almost always manages to say something useful for all circumstances. That's why I feel the concepts are solid -- they apply to life in general and to all relationships.

thanks again.
optimism

Thank you, I hope so too. He worked really late last night so I didn't get to sit down with him to listen together yet but I'm hoping to do so tonight.
I agree, I am constantly impressed with how much it makes sense! it's very logical.

So I talked to my H last night... it didn't come out the way I wanted it to. he got home while I was out with the kids and he got a phone call from his mom saying his brother heard me talking smack about him on the radio, and was very concerned and wanted to make sure he was ok. don't worry about the one who is actually being abused/neglected/in pain all the time... that's right worry about him! his mother is a big contributes to half of our issues but that's right worry about him! coddle him! yah ok I'm just a little bit bitter here. sorry for venting.
so he did listened to the show.. and he was not impressed. he said that sucks and is not fair that he should shoulder all the resentment (the resentment B that Dr. Harley talked about) while I'm still pregnant. (well how is it fair that I've had to deal with this for the last 6years! as far as I'm concerned he can suck it up for a bit and 2-3 months is nothing in comparison)he talked about how bored he's going to be without it and tried to rationalize his time that he spend on the computer and I just kept bringing it right back to the fact of where he is spending his time and what we could be doing together instead. I suggested reading reading through the marriage builders stuff together but he said he already did that. I know he read a couple of things but I said that there are lots of couples that read this stuff together and then they can talk about it together. I think he was just too grumpy last night to really talk about it, I think he needs some time to process it. I will approach him again tonight sorry for the vent, I'm just frustrated with the way things went...

how did DH respond to his mother's assessment? I wouldn't be bothered by her unless he was feeding into it. Dr. Harley's show talks a lot about couples who have to separate or distance themselves from inlaws if they are not healthy to the relationship.

Wasn't it established that he is addicted to video games? Or am I mixed up? If so, his reaction doens't really surprise me. You've threatened the crack pipe.

opt

sidenote -- I totally feel the frustration with the old "I already read it" line. I got that from the now-exww. A computer history revealed a grand total of 10 minutes researching MB concepts. ugh.

he has always held to whatever his mother opinion was, until I convince him there is another way... he doesn't stand up to her and when we make a parenting change he doesn't bother to tell her, it's left up to me, and I become the object of her wrath. I just about came to blows with her 2years ago, we didn't exchange words for at least 6 months. now we have a tentative relationship. I've watched her destroy the lives of each of her children(mostly a step son 10yrs younger than me) and I never stepped in because I never thought it wasn't my place and I didn't feel that I had the experience to tell her how to raise her children.
we actually attended a parenting course together only the first session or 2 and the instructor took us aside and profiled each of us and told him that the only to make things work with the in-laws is for us to live at least one town away from each other or H needs to grow a pair and stand up to his mother. I am seriously considering the moving thing since he can't seem to stand up to her. The first time I did she threw a temper tantrum and went to her room! I was flabbergasted! I've never seen an adult behave that way!.
I felt that it was but Dr. Harley said to proceed like as if he's not right now and wait and see how he reacts to things.

I'm going to quote a note from MNG from a pm we had hope you don't mind ...
thanks, I really feel like crap right now, I have read both of those letters and printed them off for us to read together. I can only hope right now....
the problems in both of those letters seemed too extreme and bold faced, his mother is more paranoid and manipulative and does/says things with a laugh to smooth it over but that doesn't change what came out. like just the other day she says to my 2yr old that he can come over whenever mommy says he can. thus shifting all blame/negativity for the consequences to me. I told H that she shouldn't say things like that and its not right because it's not just up to me it's up to both of us and it also depends on her availability too. she just set it up so that even if she's busy that day the blame will still fall on me that the kids can't go over.
it's always just little things like that she doesn't come right out or get in my face about things she manipulates the kids. H has learned not to quote her to me

he took the day off work(twisted ankle yesterday) and he has been grumpy/moppy on the verge of snapping all day. I don't think today is the day to bring it up again. he might need a couple of days...

Just remember .. its a marathon .. and not a sprint.

Your situation did not just occur over night and the changes you want will not happen over night either. It will take time for things to sink in for your hubby.

It took my wife a LONG time to get on board.

Be positive .. be calm, especially when your bringing up MB. Anything other than positive reinforcement will only lead him to dislike MB even more. YOu gotta show him and display to him whats in it for him because if all he sees is the bad stuff and what he has to give up and not what you have to change for him then he will not be enthusiastic about following MB.

You gotta sell it to him in ways that HE can see the benefit.