No. You are fighting for her.

She says that now, but she will eventually see that you're stepping up to protect your family, your children, her, and her long-term relationships with the kids.

Her mom just contacted me in a message on Facebook and told me she told her to stay away from him and to go talk with someone such as a counselor. I hope she will listen to her mom I doubt it though.

You stayed calm.

You need to stay calm. Why would a WW want to be married to nasty. Nasty is not plan A.

You are not extorting any one. You are just making WW aware of the consequences ofr her actions.

My oldest and I just talked. He misses his mom and wants to be around her. He said he would start staying with her some if she would never contact him again. I guess we will see how this goes. I bet she keeps on texting him and stuff. It'll be her loss.

For the first time since all of this started I feel like I'm in the drivers seat now and I feel good about it. For almost a month now I have been a lost soul. I feel better now then I have at any time since this started.

No - it is not blackmail. Standing up for your family is honorable.

They use that verbiage to make their guilt lesson. They cannot abandon their family easily if the truth stands in their way.

Adulterers believe that falling in love with another person will not do any harm as long as the betrayed spouse plays along. They believe their feelings are justified and since it is true love all will work out in the end.

.... Basically anyone who divorces uses this excuse so their guilt won't eat them alive ....

It is all a bunch of bull chit!!!

You took the driver's wheel back from your drunk wife. You did very good, SM! Guess you have to change your screen name, now!

I'll change it to Smart Me when we are a happy family again.

My oldest is going to tell her tonight he will come over and be with her but if she ever talks with him again, he'll never come back. I know it seems wrong to use my kids but I guess whatever it takes at this point.

SM, is that what your son wants to tell her? That is not using your kids if that is how he feels. Kids get very upset about affairs and they have every right to express those feelings to the offending parent. Your wife is destroying her relationship with her kids and she needs to hear all about it. I know of 2 situations right now where a teenager refuses to spend any time with the WS and the judge won't force them.

Here is what Dr. Harley wrote to one board member:

Q: So, you do suggest telling our 10 year old son? Is this more than he can handle? He never saw any real unhappiness as my husband and I had a very low conflict marriage. I have been protecting our son from this truth. He still has hope that his dad is going to come home.
___________________________________
A: As for your son, the truth will come out eventually, even if you get back together again. And your son won't be emotionally crippled if he hears the truth. It's lies and deception that cripple children. He should know that your husband is choosing his lover over his son's mother. It's a fact. He's willing to ruin a family unit all for what. When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.

What you did is not blackmail. Blackmail is extortion with the threat of revealing a secret. What you did was the opposite and gave you a chance.

Here is a quote from my thread just a day or so after I exposed. I had been resistant at first for all the normal reasons, but kept reading here and finally did it and came back.

"After discovering an email about two weeks ago, I confronted W and OM, turned up the pressure, but did not expose. This was a big mistake, if you are in my shoes. All that did was temporarily stop the contact, and it put me in the position that W felt I was blackmailing her. I had a big hammer I could drop if she did not do what I wanted. Not very healthy for our relationship."

Not exposing is blackmail. Exposing is lancing a nasty sore so it can possibly dry up.

Full disclosure. My marriage did not make it. But I believe a big reason it did not was that I had let things go on too long, several months before I found MB. Early and decisive action is needed.

I never regretted exposing. My situation was one that could cause much embarrassment. My regret is that I did not do it quickly and emphatically enough.

He wants to tell her. He told her a couple weeks ago he hated her for everything she has done the past few weeks. I just told him to be firm and demand zero contact! He said he would talk to her tonight and tell her everything, I told him to be strong and don't sway. I also told him it would be good if she called him while he was there and tell him they can never talk to each other again. He said if they talk again he won't ever go back. I'm coaching him but he wants to do it.

I agree with this. Waiting to expose seems to water down exposure's effect because the affair and the wayward mindset become too entrenched after a certain point. Harley alludes to this fact in several of his radio clips. In fact, he says in his exposure article to "expose immediately." Here are some of the radio clips where he indicates the BH waited too long:


another one here: part 1, part 2

This guy never exposed and his wife was leaving him: here

This is wrong. There should not be any interaction. It should be done by letter only.

She's on the phone with Steve. I'm having my doubts because she really hates me right now!

You have a chance now. You know you have been told to expect the anger.

Expect it and embrace it. The madder she is, the more she "hates" you, the stronger your blow to the affair was.

At least she is on the phone. That is quite a good thing.

Well? How did it go? Did she scream at Steve?

I don't think she did, at least I didn't hear it in the garage. She talked to him for about 40-50 minutes. Then I talked for a bit. Then we both talked at same time.

We discussed after the call if she wanted to listen to him more. She is willing to go through more sessions. She doesn't think it'll help or change her mind about wanting a divorce. I did print off the questionares for her and gave address so she could read basic concepts.

Now I need to work on myself! I can tell this will takes months to repair if it does go that far

Thats great!! He may not have got through to her yet, but at least she committed to more sessions.

What did Steve tell you to work on?

Excellent job SM!!! Your really stepping up to the plate here with how you are going about all this. keep up the great work!

MNG