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Hi everyone, I am new to this forum, although I am not new to marriagebuilders. I have been frequenting this site for over 2 years and it started when my now ex husband was having an affair, I started trying to find people who could help me. and the people on MB did. I posted a lot during that time on the "surviving an affair" forum

I am posting here now because I am wondering how you all deal with your exes when children are involved? You see, my XH lives in CA while the kids and I live in IA. I am remarried and we are making a life for ourselves and the kids, doing our best. My XH thinks that it is unfair that I have primary custody of the children He thinks I "stole" them away from him when I took them to Iowa with me, where my family is, when he wouldn't stop having his affair. I gave him many months to change his ways and he chose to stay in his affair and to stay in CA. So I filed for divorce.

Now he blames me for everything (what's new) and makes rude comments about where I'm raising the kids. He insults Iowans and says that we are all backwards and "slow" with narrow minds. He wants to take our 3 boys out to CA to stay with him for the entire summer, doing God knows what. My ex lives a fancy free lifestyle as a personal trainer/musician/actor in Los Angeles. Although he claims to have no money to pay cs. He only pays $100 out of the $600 he is court ordered to pay. He also refuses to give me his address. He says he lives with different friends and doesn't need to give me his address. (He doesn't want cs to find him) He also has some new gf and he refuses to tell me who she is and he wants to have my sons around her. I am afraid that he will try to take the kids from me if I let them go out there. They are 6,5, and 2 yrs old. Very young. They have only seen their dad 3 times in the last two years. The 2 year old didn't meet him until he was 10 months old. Their father comes back to visit with no $ and uses my car because he doesn't ever show up with a rental. He ends up staying at my parents house because he has no money to take the boys to a hotel. He leaves everything a mess and doesn't even fill up the gas tank after he used it for 5 days. My parents never want him in their house again. I told them not to let him stay, but they said they wanted to do it for the boys. So I don't know what to do. By law I am not allowed to not let my ex see the boys, but I don't think that I am obligated to send them to CA to be with him for months on end.
I am so angry that it seems he is getting away with everything! He doesn't pay hardly any cs at all! And it took him over a year to start paying a measly $100 a month. I am the one struggling through school and work and raising the kids while he is off galavanting with his free life out there in lala land. It's like he's living out his youth that he says I "stole" from him over the 9 years we were together from the age of 19 to 28. I am just so frustrated that waywards seem to just skip along and not have any responsibility whatsoever. The rest of us get stuck doing EVERYTHING. It's the same story for my new husband. I have known him for 10 years and he went through the same thing years ago with his ex wife. Now he has all the responsibility of the kids and she doesn't do anything. So we understand eachother and what we go through.
But what do you guys think I should do about my kids dad visiting them? Should I even let him come see them for visits here in IA? It seems to disrupt everything. It's like we are all on his timeframe and nobody else matters. He just pops up when he wants to and leaves when he wants to. It sickens me.






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Somehow you are going to have to separate your feelings about your XH (including your understandable anger about the lack of child support) from the decision about what is best for your children.

No judge will disagree with a decision not to release children into the care of the other parent without a fully verified address and definitely not without a very careful discussion of exactly how the supervision will be handled when they are so young. It goes without saying that he cannot hand them off to a girlfriend.

What about his parents? Can they act as intermediaries?

Last edited by living_well; 03/08/12 03:46 PM.

3 adult children
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Tinkerbell! Hi!

I think you should talk to a lawyer about the situation.

The kids should see their dad as much as possible BUT that doesn't mean you need to

-let them visit him in CA if your attorney says you don't have to
-let him borrow your car (big whoop he can't rent one...he will have to find a dumb, backward Iowa friend from the past to lend him something or figure out public transportation with kids).
-or have any contact with X other than factual. Don't listen to his tirades and perhaps go back to a plan B sort of relationship where you are not exposed to the grief.

BTW.....May your new husband be a gem for all time.







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I agree that you need to see a lawyer.

A lot depends on the exact wording of your custody agreement. You may need to file for a modification if the CO is vague or hasn't been followed. It's certainly not reasonable for your XH to take the children to CA if he's homeless. Of course, he's probably not homeless, he is just refusing to provide an address because he doesn't want to have to pay child support.


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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I don't understand how these people get away with not paying child support. Not that I would ever consider it, but I had a buddy who faied to pay. He was convinced it was a little more important than he thought when he spent the night in jail.

Seems like you could use the situation to your advantage:
-say: "call me an hour before you plan to arrive to pick up the children"
-do: call the sherrif five minutes after he calls and tell him to meet your deadbeat husband at your house in 55 minutes.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
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Originally Posted by optimism
I don't understand how these people get away with not paying child support. Not that I would ever consider it, but I had a buddy who faied to pay. He was convinced it was a little more important than he thought when he spent the night in jail.

Seems like you could use the situation to your advantage:
-say: "call me an hour before you plan to arrive to pick up the children"
-do: call the sherrif five minutes after he calls and tell him to meet your deadbeat husband at your house in 55 minutes.

opt

I need a "like" button!


Me: BS 51
Himself: WH 53, EA/PA w/ RunnerSlut his "running buddy."
Buncha' kids. The two youngest are still minors.
Separated: 08/13/09 after 25 years of marriage
Plan D: Filed 11/13/09 Final 3/30/11
MC told me that he probably has a personality disorder
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thank you all for your replis hi reading it has been a long time. smile well, i am definitely going to speak with my lawyer. i just think it is so funny that my wayward XH thinks he could handle all 3 boys for even a week! and he claims to want them to MOVE to LA to live with him atleast for a few yrs. since when do waywards make the rules? they are so selfish and think they are entitled to everything. makes me want to vomit. also XH said that the reason he wont pay cs is bc he doesnt get to see his sons everyday so he wont pay me to take care of them 1000s of miles away from their "father". bc he is just a grade A, stellar dad! when will judgement day come for these waywards!!

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I need a "like" button!
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hey thanks kirb!! smile
Are you in any sort of Plan B, Tinkerbell? I should think if you could limit your interactions with the ex, you would have a much more comfortable life.
In addition to letting your lawyer deal with the legal stuff and separation agreements/custody questions, maybe an intermediary would help filter the unnecessary communication that happens. You really only need to know the facts. Like, when to expect him to show up and pick up the kids (withIN the arrangements made legally during the divorce settlement).
he's only causing you aggravation, it seems. waywards (and generally those with poor boundaries) are like that. it gets them satisfaction to pull people into their dramas.


opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
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oh, I just read reading's post. In addition to other good points, she's saying essentially the same thing... Ooops on me.
smile
put it this way. I agree with Reading. shocked

opt

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Yes, I am "kind of" in a plan B. I do not talk to him much at all. I do get really mad sometimes when I'm struggling a lot with bills and paying for things that I will text him and tell him how unfair it is that I get stuck with all the financial responsibility and he doesn't help out at all. I just get so angry about it. It's all so unfair. First, the BS gets cheated on and blamed for everything. The BS has to deal with the aftermath of infidelity. Then after the D is finalized the BS still has to deal with all the responsibility and stress of trying to raise kids and make a living. All the while he is buying himself new clothes and has an ipad and a very nice phone. My parents noticed that while he was here visiting the boys.And they said he was on the phone a lot while with the boys. Talking to his new gf. What a world she is getting herself into. LoL. She has NO CLUE!!!

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Tinker, how nice to hear from you!! The baby must be 1 or 2 now?? Gosh time flies...

Originally Posted by Tinkerbell81
I am remarried and we are making a life for ourselves and the kids, doing our best.

Congratulations on the remarriage smile


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
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Originally Posted by Tinkerbell81
Yes, I am "kind of" in a plan B.

Tinker, I am getting a D myself now (see signature). My STBX is pretty bad but I think yours may be worse frown

I have a parallel parenting post in the notables section that maybe you want to check out.

I would not talk or text with him anymore, I would set up a separate email account for communications with him...it's also easier to keep track of documentation this way. If the emailing gets nasty, then I would use an IM.

Trust me, this will help you feel better immediately. During this D process I have had to basically come out of my Plan B (mainly email contact, a couple of phone calls, and seeing each other in court, like today, gah!) and every time it gets me riled up. Like, "I would like to punch you in the face" riled up. A TRUE Plan B was much more peaceful...and I look forward to going back once this D is over.

I agree with the others about seeing a lawyer. If you don't have one and are going to look for one, look for a woman who is a seasoned atty that specializes ONLY in family law and is a child advocate.

I think you have a strong case for not letting the kids go out there...and you need to go after him for the CS! But you need to let an atty handle it. No sense in beating your head against the wall trying to argue with a wayward...which will just exhaust and frustrate you.

Last edited by SusieQ; 03/09/12 07:07 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Hi susieQ! yes time flies. and the baby is going to be 2 on May 3rd! it is crazy. my husband and i are trying to find a place big enough for us and our 5 kids together. he has two girls, i have 3 boys. it is a struggle and this is why i have been so upset with my WXH bc he doesn't have any responsibility. i do not talk to him anymore, since i started posting here again. i just get so tempted to scream and yell at him over the phone or to text him and tell him what a deadbeat he is. i'm just so frustrated and so angry that God seems to let the wayward get away with all this and when i'm doing the right thing , and working my hardest, i get all the financial struggles and hardships while the ex gets to do whateer he wants. blah. frown

Originally Posted by SusieQ
Originally Posted by Tinkerbell81
Yes, I am "kind of" in a plan B.

Tinker, I am getting a D myself now (see signature). My STBX is pretty bad but I think yours may be worse frown

I have a parallel parenting post in the notables section that maybe you want to check out.

I would not talk or text with him anymore, I would set up a separate email account for communications with him...it's also easier to keep track of documentation this way. If the emailing gets nasty, then I would use an IM.

Trust me, this will help you feel better immediately. During this D process I have had to basically come out of my Plan B (mainly email contact, a couple of phone calls, and seeing each other in court, like today, gah!) and every time it gets me riled up. Like, "I would like to punch you in the face" riled up. A TRUE Plan B was much more peaceful...and I look forward to going back once this D is over.

I agree with the others about seeing a lawyer. If you don't have one and are going to look for one, look for a woman who is a seasoned atty that specializes ONLY in family law and is a child advocate.

I think you have a strong case for not letting the kids go out there...and you need to go after him for the CS! But you need to let an atty handle it. No sense in beating your head against the wall trying to argue with a wayward...which will just exhaust and frustrate you.

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Tinker - how exactly did your new relationship come about? You were just divorced in May '11, how and when did you meet your new husband and when were you married?


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hello smile my husband and i met through work about 9 years ago. i was newly married to my ex husband at that time. now, i haven't worked at this place with him constantly for 9 years. i worked there from 03 to 05 and then lived in california. then i moved back and have worked there since 07, part time. i always thought he was a really nice man and good with kids, but i never thought of him as more than a friend until i filed for divorce. which was in november of 2010. he has been thru the same stuff that i have been thru and we became closer friends after i divorced my husband. because i have known him for 9 years and because of our similar situations, we felt really comfortable with one another and allowed ourselves to open up again. i bring him to this site to read all of the articles and advice for married couples. we both know the destruction infidelity can bring so we are 100% committed to our marriage and our children no matter what. unlike my ex husband who refused to work on anything and still has no concern for his children.

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and my new husband did admit to me that he knew that my ex husband was cheating on me even back when we were first married. bc his ex wife used to work with my ex husband. and back then, she had told him about some "guy" she worked with who would always mess around with the girls at work. turned out he realized it was my husband and he wasn't close friends with me and never really talked to me much back then so he didn't tell me. and many other people i knew back then have told me they knew my XH was a playboy but didn't know how to tell me. that's when i really went over the edge and decided to stop trying to save a marriage that was an entire lie. i still can't believe he pulled the wool over my eyes for so long. cheating and lying. makes me sick.

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Tinker - you mentioned you started dating this Man in January 2011, at least five full months before your divorce was final. Pepperband actually discussed this with you. You dated this man in the mess of your divorce ... your emotions are all over the map with your posts. Have you fully grasped the work that must be done in your marriage to make this one work?

Originally Posted by Pepperband from January 20, 2011
I'm sure he loved you as much as a freeloader can love anyone.

Honey, you married a FREELOADER.

Freeloaders make you NUTZ because as hard as you try ... your efforts are never enough to receive the love you desire in return.

Because you were so clueless for so long, please be careful.

Your "man picker" is not too good. In fact, it is lousy.
And, you do not have a very good "Bullcrap alarm".

Look into your own capacity for denial of the obvious BEFORE putting yourself "out there" in the dating world.

Just some advice from an old-timer.

Go forth knowing there is quite a bit of work to be done on you.

Your Timeline

Filed for Divorce November 20, 2010
Met new husband December 2010 and got serious January 2011
Divorce Final May 2011
Married November 2011 to a man who was also divorced.

Dr. Harley gives a 15% success rate to blended families if and only if POJA IS IMPLEMENTED CORRECTLY.

Please read Dr. Harley's HNHN for parents, especially the chapter on blended families.

Last edited by PrayIncessantly; 03/13/12 06:31 PM.
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I am posting here now because I am wondering how you all deal with your exes when children are involved?
I've seen a couple times on this board where the ex problem really creates a lot of stress for the new marriage. I would be concerned for your current relationship if the ex is causing a lot of havoc -- more reason to get plan B ish, as stated above, it's hard enough to do a blended family thing. (I'm looking toward the same situation to some extent).

I also agree with Reading above -- the kids should see their Dad as much as possible. I also strongly feel that that is in no way shape or form YOUR responsibility. Nor is it the kids'. I feel that if I moved away, I would HOPE my ex would move also, but I certainly wouldn't feel that she should be obligated to do so. If she moved, I would do what I could to be as close as possible to my kids.

opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
Mine: S(16), D(11)
NatureGirls: S(23), D(21)
Another EA Story
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Yes I was seeing him in Jan of 2011, 3 months before my divorce was final. I had been separated from my husband for nearly a year, and I had already filed for D in Nov of 2010. I was not willing to stay married when my XH wasn't willing to work on the M. He said himself that it was over and that he was not willing to work out anything. I realized a lot about my XH during that time and people here helped me to see clearly. It was my choice to D him. I no longer wanted to put up with his games and his abuse. So instead of waiting around I decided to go ahead and D. This was before I even started talking to the man I am now married to. I also dated this man for a year before we got married. We have also known eachother for 9 years. I am 100% committed to my M with my husband and I will and already do have a much better M than with my XH. My H his 100% committed as well.

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Originally Posted by PrayIncessantly
Tinker - you mentioned you started dating this Man in January 2011, at least five full months before your divorce was final. Pepperband actually discussed this with you. You dated this man in the mess of your divorce ... your emotions are all over the map with your posts. Have you fully grasped the work that must be done in your marriage to make this one work?

Originally Posted by Pepperband from January 20, 2011
I'm sure he loved you as much as a freeloader can love anyone.

Honey, you married a FREELOADER.

Freeloaders make you NUTZ because as hard as you try ... your efforts are never enough to receive the love you desire in return.

Because you were so clueless for so long, please be careful.

Your "man picker" is not too good. In fact, it is lousy.
And, you do not have a very good "Bullcrap alarm".

Look into your own capacity for denial of the obvious BEFORE putting yourself "out there" in the dating world.

Just some advice from an old-timer.

Go forth knowing there is quite a bit of work to be done on you.

Your Timeline

Filed for Divorce November 20, 2010
Met new husband December 2010 and got serious January 2011
Divorce Final May 2011
Married November 2011 to a man who was also divorced.

Dr. Harley gives a 15% success rate to blended families if and only if POJA IS IMPLEMENTED CORRECTLY.

Please read Dr. Harley's HNHN for parents, especially the chapter on blended families.

We weren't married until Jan 2011. I know the stats for blended families. We will do the work necessary. We don't want D in our lives again.

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