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Hello everyone.

I'm going to try to post again to continue to get advice on how to deal with things. I don't know if anyone will help because I have not agreed with some advice or suggestions that have been given. If not, then I will understand and move on to somewhere else.

I am having a really hard time determining whether I should fill out the EN questionnaire with my wife and try to apply them or to back off and let her dictate the pace of things.

Once everything was out in the open I made some changes to the way I treat her and started applying those changes. It seemed to make things worse. She said I was smothering her. Everything I read on here says that one person can save a marriage and to fill out the EN-Q and try to start making deposits in her Love Bank. Well I don't know whether to do that or back off and let her dictate when and what.

Any advice on this because I'm having a terrible time with what's being done right now.

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If your wife is having an affair, she won't allow you to meet her needs so this is really a moot point until you rule out an affair. Filling out the questionaire is a waste of time if she is having an affair.

Have you done some snooping to rule out an affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please give us a little background info.
How long have you been married, doyou have children, etc.

What do you mean by 'Once everything was out in the open'?

If your wife is nothaving an affair, you may just want to tell her you want to become a better husband and have a better marriage and ask her to fill out the questionaires together.


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I agree with ML


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happyheart, please read his previous posts. Filling out questionaires will be a distraction from taking necessary steps. When there is a probably affair in the works, it is important to keep them focused on getting it out in the open.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree with ML


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Can you repost this to your original thread?

What has happened since your thread? Did you rule out an affair yet?

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I can just continue this on the original thread. Would that be more beneficial?

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Affair was acknowledged and is being dealt with. The affair is over.

The deeper issue of several issues is that she doesn't know whether she is still in love with me or not. That's what we are dealing with right now.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Affair was acknowledged and is being dealt with. The affair is over.

The deeper issue of several issues is that she doesn't know whether she is still in love with me or not. That's what we are dealing with right now.

No, the deeper issue is the affair. We know she is not in love with you, and that is the RESULT of the affair. Sweeping the affair under the rug is like focusing on the peeling paint in the girls bathroom when the Titanic is sinking.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML,

I appreciate your concern for the affair. But it is not the main issue here. The affair happened AFTER she told me about not being in love with me. You have already voiced your concerns to me very clearly that you feel the affair is the major issue.

Plan A has been accomplished to my satisfaction and Plan B is in effect. We are working on repairing the issues. We are in counselling and are back in the same house.

The issue right now is how and what can I do to help her find her feelings for me again?

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
ML,

I appreciate your concern for the affair. But it is not the main issue here. The affair happened AFTER she told me about not being in love with me. You have already voiced your concerns to me very clearly that you feel the affair is the major issue.

It is not my "feeling" that the affair is a major issue, it is the truth. And until you stop choosing to be in denial, you will not resolve your problems.

I want to point out to you AGAIN that you are the least objective person on this thread and that your best thinking led your marriage to this terrible place. You do not know how to save a marriage, my friend. You do not have good instincts about what is happening and have no idea how to turn this around.

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you are going to have to put aside your own failed ideas and keep an open mind. Your plan is NOT WORKING.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Plan A has been accomplished to my satisfaction and Plan B is in effect. We are working on repairing the issues. We are in counselling and are back in the same house.

You don't even know what Plan B means.

How about describing the affair and how it came out. Who is the OM? Has all contact been ended? That is your FIRST STEP. You cannot take the second step until the FIRST STEP has been taken.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Plan B is SEPARATION AND NO CONTACT.

Straight from "What Are Plan A and Plan B":

Plan B is for the betrayed spouse to avoid all contact with the wayward spouse until the affair has completely ended and the wayward spouse has agreed to my plan for recovery.

looking_for_help, we CAN help you but if you refuse to follow even the most basic MB concepts, then we cannot.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Plan A has been accomplished to my satisfaction and Plan B is in effect. We are working on repairing the issues.

That's not what Plan B means.

Quote
The issue right now is how and what can I do to help her find her feelings for me again?

This site has a plan for that, but only if you are willing to work on reading and learning. It will never work if you want to be lazy, or ignore what people tell you.

Click on Basic Concepts, read ten pages. Click on Q&A columns, read all pages. Click on Articles, read all pages.

By the time you are done, you will know a lot more than Plan B.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I know you can help, but no one seems to believe me when I say that all contact has ended! She has agreed to repair what has been broken.

I don't know how else to say it and it's very frustrating that I can't get my questions answered because we keep coming back to this.

I know the program here works but no one can tell me that EVERY situation is the exact same. I don't know how else to tell everyone and make them believe that all contact has ended and she has agreed to work things out. What am I neglecting to say that would make this believable?

I know this site and the posters here can help, but it is very frustrating that I can't get anyone past this sticking point. What else do you need me to say about it?

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Geez, I know that's not what plan B means. I am a literate person. I was trying to convey the message that we are past that point and that she has agreed to work on things.

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Every situation might be different, but the solution is NOT different. This is why we need you to put aside your own ideas and listen to us.

Start off by telling us about the affair. Who is the OM? How have you verified that all contact has ended? Is the OM married and if so, have you informed his wife? Has the affair been exposed?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How long was the affair? Where did she meet him? Does he live close by? What does he do for a living?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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It is apparent that I am not going to be able to get my questions answered here, unfortunately. We keep coming back to this same thing. I really hate that because I know everyone here is genuine and willing to help.

I have been through this multiple times already and for whatever reason I am not being believed about the affair being over. I am tired of going down that road and don't want to do it again.

I know who he is, how it came about, he's not married, we have not exposed it because in OUR case there is no need. It is OVER and DONE. Now please just let me know whether we can move past this or whether I need to find another place to get some help and support.

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