Steel, your back and forth and indecision is totally normal. All BSs struggle to reconcile the love and commitment of the past x years with the insanity of the present.They go up one day, down the next, we call it the rollercoaster.

Unfortunately your wife, like all WSs, has her mind made up. She wants both OM and you. She wants to be 'in love but not in love' with you (they all use that crappy line) because you meet a lot of needs that some random FB guy can't.

Her 'made up' mind is currently railroading your undecided mind into a fantasy divorce scenario.

She wants a fantasy aka 'amicable' divorce where everyone gets over it, you still get together for holidays: you, her and the OM holding hands and singing kumbaya on camping trips with your boys.

She would rather no one had found out, but since they have she is willing to wait for everyone to 'get over it' and pursue her decision for a fantasy divorce ruthlessly.

You can't make a decision yet on taking her back, that's impossible, but you can decide to bust up the delusion you're going to be divorce buddies right now.

Exposure is the most important thing you can do to pop her fantasy bubble. Reexpose to everyone who is 'pissed off' too. Being 'pissed off' does nothing as she assumes everyone will get over it when they see how happy she is.They need to say clearly they won't support her until she dumps OM and say they will never meet this adulterer or give him a chance.

Exposure on his side is vital. Get your boys on here to read the tips about creating a fake FB page to access OM.

If that fails you'll need other methods.

Steel, since you have doubts as to which course of action you wish to take right now(recover or not), I suggest that you work on MB plans for a chance at recovery(Plan A and Plan B). If you decide in a few months that you don't want to recover, then you still have the option to go Plan D. If, however, you decide that you want to Plan D now, and you do everything to go down that route, and decide in a few months that you would consider recovery, it may be too late. The MB plans also allows you to move forward, either with Plan D or recovery, without the woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Yes the plans are excellent for personal recovery (speaking from experience) Much less pain when you're proactive and protecting yourself.

Your wife, in her new alien persona, plans to keep you in pain for a long time by making you the buddy on the sidelines.

If you can bust up her fog tho, its possible her own personality will return.

steel - you've got some of the 'heavy hitters' here now -indiegirl and Scotty have been on this bus for a while and know what they're talking about. Pay heed to their advice.

Read indiegirl's post about the fantasy divorce scenario very carefully - she is right on. My ex was convinced that she could have POSOM and me at the same time - she still can't understand why I don't want to be friends. It's the FOG! They have no concept of the hurt they've caused, and no sense of reality.

Take a few steps back, breath deeply, and don't make any decisions until the shock wears off. Then, based on your decision to either try to save the marriage or cut to the chase and go to plan B, put a plan in place. You'll feel a lot better after you get off the fence.

Okay here is where I am this morning. Based on the past few weeks it might change several times today. I am going to concentrate on working a plan A at work. (Think I already have been to a degree.) I am going to proceed forward with the divorce. We have already done several things like separate bank accounts, credit cards, work on the mortgage in my name, etc. I have ninety days from filing before the Judge even looks at it so even though I am proceeding doesn't mean I have to go through with it.We hope that the atty has the paperwork done so that we can file tomorrow.

Her and I both have counseling sessions today with separate counselors so we'll see what comes of that. For me I mean, because I already know her counselor won't be able to get through the fog, I've already seen that in action.

I probably wont be able to post much if at all today from work. That was kind of a disaster yesterday but we'll see how the day goes.

Again thank you everyone I really do appreciate the advice and support.

The linked thread is about a BH who is doing a fabulous Plan A--his wife is still on the fence, but he's working hard on being a terrific husband.

GJM's Thread-Plan A

I had a similar idea. If you have your wife's high school yearbook at the house still you could try to find a normal looking guy or girl that doesn't seemingly have a facebook...set one up in his/her name and send OM a friend request from a familiar name.


As far as being undecided about whether to try or not....back in 2005 I just put off the decision (I was too emotional to think clearly anyway) and decided to TRY the MB program to bust up my wife's classmates.com affair and let the chips fall where they may. You see...you giving up, stating she crossed an immovable boundary and going along with an amicable divorce only feeds her rationalizations and justifications. She's thinking (and OM is telling her)...."if he truly cared and valued me...he'd be fighting for me....he's just being prideful....least he's being nice and cooperative about the divorce....wait...I can get more money...well I deserve to at least be paid for the years I wasted on a guy that didn't really love me".


I think you'll more likely to regret NOT trying than you'll regret trying no matter the outcome. By trying you'll know for sure whether or not it was savable. You'll attempt to clean up your side of the street and let her make her own choices and accept the consequences of those choices. The outcome is out of your control and that's OK.


On the other hand...divorce is your right and if that's the road you wish to take then so be it. We here are not a marriage at all costs forum.

Mr. Wondering

How do you know that OM is not married?

Did WW tell you that?

Do you have his name and residence...at least a city?

Started looking at this link. Its going to take me awhile to get through all that, but I will.

If you have decided to fight for her, then Plan A your but off and expose far and wide. Use the fake Facebook tactic. The Art of War talks all about deceiving the enemy.

As far as divorce goes:
Please don't be fooled by the WW, many have already said that there is no such thing as an amiacable divorce.
It will eventually be about money and entitlement, it always does.
So forewarned gives you the chance to be prepared.
Get it in writing and signed by her and notarized about the alimony.
If you are so concerned about financial aspects, you might want to consider more drastic measures, develop a fake gambling problem with large losses, many other ways.
DO NOT FIGHT FAIR, there is a reason it says versus in the court pleading. She is your opponent now and an enemy.

You can file for a D and still Plan A.

Are you both using the SAME attorney?

If you have decided to fight for her, then Plan A your but off


Actually, Plan A is not an active "fight". Plan A is about becoming the best, most attractive "Steel" you can be.

You look good; smell good; act romantically; act responsibly; and be open but not needy. You NEVER discuss relationship issues beyond, "I would hope we can reconcile, but it will only be possible on my (MB) terms." The real killer (and one that no one pulls off 100% it seems) is to do ALL this without expectations. That absence goes a long way toward forestalling the almost inevitable plaint of "I'm being a paragon of manly virtues, and she's still not interested!"

I had a hard time too when my H actually confessed to the PA - deciding if I really wanted to work things out. I decided to not put much thought into it because it didn't matter as long as he was still in his thought process of "being done" and all of that.

But...I did want to do things in a manner that the option of recovery might be there, should I so choose.

Indie's absolutely right about this fantasy your wife has created in her mind where she divorces you - you guys (and your sons, of course) stay the best of buddies - and she lives in dream land. She needs reality to hit her and hit her hard!

Trust me, even if you decide not to reconcile (if given the chance) it will still help your personal recovery to implement MB methods. The self-respect you gain has untold benefits! In that vein, your job right now is to be the best Steel you can be - as was mentioned above. Show up to work smiling, whistling, acting like a new man. Have jovial phone conversations (even if you fake them) occasionally that your WW can overhear. Take a class - or take up a new hobby. Be interesting.

And DEFINITELY get those boys working on the facebook deal!

Most affairs fizzle out when they are exposed to light and the affair partners have to rely on each other solely for their needs being met. It's HIGHLY doubtful that they can do so. They are basing this "love" on some ego-drunken idea that this relationship can invigorate their sorry self-esteems.

This "man" has had 3 failed marriages??? Ha! I doubt the one with your WW is the one that sticks!

That is my plan now.

Yes we are using the same attorney. Everything in agreement with no surprises so far

Why are you using the same attorney?

Noooooooooo.

you are in the battle of your life here and have agreed to use the same sword with your enemy!

She plans to turn it on you.

I dont care how decent or moral her past is, when they go wayward their entire personalities change.

Different attorneys are a must. You need an attorney that is looking out for YOUR best interests, not an amicable divorce that your WW so desperately wants.

Have you been reading up on the carrot and STICK of Plan A? Please read... right now your WW has no stick to slow her down. Your actions are showing her you will be her best friend post-divorce.

I couldnt agree more.

Ask her how she is going to spend Christmas? However she replies say: 'Its going to be very different when you and I no longer speak, if you go ahead with this'

If she mentions the boys say 'Well its up to them, but they seem intent on not being around you when you go to him'.

If she expresses surprise about your 'friendship' ending just tell her that if she insists on abandoning you, you love her SO PASSIONATELY, it will be too painful for you to watch and you will have to shut her out completlety.

I'd like to hear what her response to that is as well.

Well guys I really appreciate everything but I have made a decision. Why would I want to be married to this woman anymore. When I think hard about it I have nothing but contempt and hatred for her. So I am Done.