That's hilarious, you were all spying on each other!

LostNLove2

2 words and a question come to my mind.

Get a good handle on these two words and know the difference.

Apologies and a word ML brought up-Ammends.

Your BH has probably had enough of the first word as apologies by a wayward are empty and meaningless. How have you done in the ammends department?

Answer this question as a third party looking into your marriage situation--->With only two weeks of No Contact with the Other Man

Why would your BH want to continue this marriage?

nESRE[/quote]

My apologies are far from empty and meaningless, but I am sure to my husband they are. He says he is not mad at me anymore, he doesn't blame me, he wants us to get along and be friends, and that he forgives me. He says he wants me to be happy even if it means me being with the OM, but that he can't forget. That is was too much for too long. He says he has deep feelings for me, but that the love is once had is gone. I know this doesn't really answer your questions.

Ammends...I have made myself an open book to him. He has access to everything, but he says he is finished checking up on me. I don't go anywhere without him or one of my children with me. I text him throughout the day while he is at work. I am trying so hard to make continuous deposits to his Love Bank, to meet his ENs.

Why would my BH want to continue this marriage? I can't answer that one.

LOL..you made me think back and I did LOL on that one.

This is either a) the craziest thing I have ever heard, or b) the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.

My vote is for B.


Give your husband the OM's wife's full name so he can take care of business.

Then I'll believe you are serious.

It is crazy, but true. The OM never changed his email password. His XW was watching his email, maybe to see what he was up to, I don't know. He just never thought about changing it and never thought about her watching it. He gave me his password to fix something on his email that he couldn't figure out how to do. He had a year's worth of emails on there that were between him and her. He told me to read anything I wanted so I would know what went wrong and know that everything was over between them.

As for giving my husband the OM's XW's (not wife) name, he has all that information if he wants to do anything with it.

My BH did not want anyone to know about the A. All he wanted to do was protect our family. He had told our children to not tell anyone. Just the other day after he told his parents we were divorcing, his sister told him she had heard that I was seeing someone and even knew his name. He told his family to never tell anyone about it. He doesn't even want my side of the family to know. He says this is our business and no one else's. That all they needed to know was that we just grew apart.

That's the shock and pain of a betrayed husband dealing with a cheating wife.

That's the sound of defeat.

He is doing you, himself, the children, the marriage, nor the family any favors - his interest is protecting you from the consequences of your infidelity. It's a misguided reaction because he LOVES you.


The best interest of your marriage and family is to expose your adultery so that eyes are on you from here out.

You didn't answer all of my questions, LostNLove2.

I asked you, did you change the cell numbers & e-mail accounts? (Since you stopped using them to communicate with OM, that is?) You need to have changed all of the numbers & e-mail addresses that OM used to contact you & receive contact from you.

Your husband was snooping on you before, and that didn't stop you from contacting OM anyway. You need to erect as many barriers to renewed contact as possible, in order to give your husband any shred of confidence. (Of course he's given up checking on you -- when he checked on you before, and you didn't stop the affair, it didn't do him much good!) He knows that, long-term, he can't live as your policeman. So YOU have to cultivate (meaning: develop habits of maintaining) good boundaries of your own.

This means that, right now, YOU need to demonstrate EXTRAORDINARY precautions against resumption of contact, as protection against this affair and against another one. Read about them (it's in "Surviving An Affair", around p.70 or so if I recall it right.) They are called EXTRAORDINARY because that's what they need to be: above & beyond what you might think is "normal" or "reasonable." Not "Precautions I'll take if it's CONVENIENT for me."

And same with the FaceBook. Why do you even still have an account at all? I don't care if your husband can monitor it. Are you serious? Why even allow that stressor to be in his life? CLOSE it. Today. That's how you connected with the other man, fercryin' out loud. That was the vulnerability that did you in! Every time you're on Facebook, you're triggered; and just as importantly, every time you're on Facebook, your husband has to wonder what you're up to & to whom your talking, and maybe whom you're "reconnecting with." Ma'am, at least quit sticking the knife in: CLOSE your FB account already. If you're so desperate to give yourself a snowball's chance in hell of saving your marriage, then you'll get this, and you'll do this. (And report back here that it's been done, if you're serious about seeking advice here on our premise that you might take it & put it into practice.)

But if you sit there after reading what I've said, and your first instinct is to come up with a list of reasons why closing something as trivial as a FaceBook account is a bridge too far for you, then that will prove that you (1) don't get what it takes to recover a marriage after an affair, and/or (2) you're not nearly as serious as you say you are about wanting to save your marriage.

LostNLove2, to judge from your husband's reaction, you've got about a 5% chance of saving your marriage anyway. The ony way you'll ever make those odds work in your favor is, you bend over backwards starting yesterday to show that you're all-in.

Remember, I almost trashed a 16-year marriage with my affair. I know way more than you do about how this works. I'm not getting a penny for sharing any of this with you, and in fact, I gave up stopping for a coffee & a chocolate croissant on my way to work to sit here & type this to you, a perfect stranger, because I hate seeing people cause the pain I caused. Now I'll get no coffee for 2 more hours, and I'm a little bitchy right now here on Monday morning. But take what I said in the kind spirit in which it's intended -- if you want to try to hang on & rebuild a better marriage than you had before the affair, then first you have to be all-in, and your husband has to perceive that you are.

Wow if my WW did these things these good people on this forum are suggesting and didn't justify and make excuses we would be so much further down the road hopefully to recovery. My WW thing didn't take place on fb but to a betrayed spouse fb is a scary place I wish my WW would get rid of it.

I understand all you are saying. I had already blocked the OM from my facebook, cell phone, and email so that he couldn't contact me. The facebook I can and will delete. It will take a little longer for me to take care of the cell phone and email acct, but I can do that too. All of our household bills come to my email and my cell phone is our primary home contact for everyone. We have an unused, unlisted landline phone that is only connected to the internet. I had already mentioned to my BH about having those changed and he said we needed to leave them alone. Even though my BH is not checking the accts anymore, as far as I know, I asked my oldest son to be checking so that he could confirm that there is no contact.

I have been all over the place trying to find out the "Plans" so that I can read up on Plan A, but I can't find them. Could you please direct me.

I am in a similar situation to yours- I am trying to save my marriage after I ruined it, but my BH isn't so sure he wants to. If you can, make an appointment with Steve Harley. It's expensive, but worth it. I'll try to share some of what Steve has told me.

You have to make sure your BH knows that the reason happened was your lack of boundaries- that you didn't protect and guard yourself. If he believes it's because he didn't meet your emotional needs (ENs), then he will always be caring/loving for you out of fear that you will do it again. So you have to take care of those boundaries- as everyone else is talking about, extraordinary precautions (EPs).

Here is a good link to a thread that is discussing EP's.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558780&page=1

You can also go to my thread and see the beginnings of my EP list(I've added things since). http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2600356&page=15

When I made this list, my BH was 100% sure he wanted to D and could've cared less about a list I made. I gave it to him anyways, and I stuck/am sticking to it. He didn't really care what I was doing, and told me that it was 'all fine and nice for me', but wasn't going to change his decision.

Two months later, he still hasn't filed for D- he has stated that he HAS seen a change (as opposed to hearing me say I'm going to change). I would suggest work on the boundaries and make an EP list, post it here so everyone else can help you perfect and poke holes and ask you the hard questions.

Thank you everyone for all the links you have posted for me to read so I can continue doing my homework.

I don't know if this is a wise thing to do, but I want to give an insight to my BH's emotions right now. Looking for ways to comfort him or even how to approach his needs, even though he is usually reluctant to accept my affection and comfort.

As I have said he tells me he wants a D. He doesn't seem to be in any hurry at this time, but says that is what is going to happen. We spend our extra time together. Staying home isn't that easy on us. We go out to eat, take trips to Walmart, and some grocery shopping. He allows me to touch him and give him a hug and kiss on the cheek and he will usually return the hug and cheek kiss as well. I continue to tell him I love him.

Bedtime seems to be the hardest. We still share a bed. He turns away from me, but I will usually ask him if he will hold me a few minutes before going to sleep, and he does, though he sometimes seems reluctant to do so. We are still able to meet the needs of SF. Then it is the after talk that gets emotional. This is when he sometimes breaks down to tears. He says he feels like he is using me and doesn't want me to be mad at him and he doesn't want to give me false hope. He says he hates the cold feelings he has, but he just can't forget. He will allow me to hold him and try to give him comfort at this time.

I hear the words "I'm not mad at you" and "please don't be mad at me" all the time. I am not sure how to take this or even why it is so important to him. Many times when I tell him I love him his reply is "I'm not mad at you. I just can't do this anymore. It was just too much for too long".

You've broken him. It took him saying he wanted a divorce for you to come around. You are just getting a taste of what you did to him for a long period of time. He is now in survival mode and looking to save what little of himself he has left.
From what I have read..and I have read the whole thing, he still loves you, but cannot forget the emasculation and disrespect. The main thing a man has is his ego..if you continually step on that..he has nothing left to give of himself to you..because his ego and pride has been obliterated by the one he thought would never do that..no matter what transpired throughout your marriage, he always thought you would have his back. Now he cannot forget how you did not.

I don't say this very often to too many people, but my opinion is he is done. I believe in miracles and I am hoping you have one.

My FWW found this discouraging when we went through it.

What you have to understand, is despite all the stereotypes, that men are emotionally invested in SF. And for some time, SF is a difficult task after betrayal.

SF requires at least a miniscule amount of intimacy (men can't "perform" without at least threadbare intimacy in these moments). And now he gets to play this doubt in his head, this doubt that you would rather be sleeping with someone else (which is what infidelity demonstrates).

Simply getting through the act can strip a lot of emotional protection from a BH.

DO NOT SHRINK FROM HIM IN THESE TIMES.

You need to stand in the fire that you lit. First and foremost, you must be PRESENT.

Could you please elaborate a little more on this?

DO NOT SHRINK FROM HIM IN THESE TIMES??

You need to stand in the fire that you lit. First and foremost, you must be PRESENT??

LnL,

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I broke my husband heart. His exact words were "I completely trusted you and you took a sledge hammer to my heart". My H has gone through a lot of the same emotions that your H is going through.


The best advice I can give you (I am still learning) is that you have to show him each and every day how much you are willing to do, FOREVER to save your marriage. This is not a fast process either.

I am only 5 months past D day and things are just now starting to fe


el normal. You make that list of EPs. Not just for him but for yourself. You jump in and work on yourself. Your H may or may not let you back in but no matter what you have to show him that you are willing to be the wife you deprived him of for do long.

I have been in your shoes. I have felt hopeless and still have days when I feel like giving up. Just remember however that your selfishness got you where you are today and your selflessness is the only way to heal yourself and your H. No matter what the outcome may be.

I wish you the best and you will be in my prayers. Keep this site close and take in everything everyone says, even the painful stuff (the truth usually hurts).

My H reacted the same way to my list. In fact he said that he appreciated my effort but it was too late and actually asked for a D the next day. I was crushed but reminded myself that that list was for me as much as it was for him. Think of it as a "respect" list. Changes you are going to make first and foremost for for yourself. Then your spouse, your marriage, and your children.

Unfortunately this is one of those days I feel like giving up, but I won't. I know that I will be here with him at least 2-3 more months. I have surgery coming up and afterwards I still have to find a job and a place to live. He keeps saying he will help me all he can. That he isn't going to kick me out on the street. He is leaving it up to me to file for the divorce (sounds strange I know), but hasn't told me when to do it yet and I am sure not asking him. I assume he is going to wait until after I recover from surgery. He hasn't put a time frame on it...yet.

A big question I have is how do I make deposits to his Love Bank when he has it shut down to me? I keep pouring everything out to him that I can. I know his LB is deep in the red, is he getting any of it?

I have been working on the EP list. I have not gave my H the list yet, but did tell him what I was doing. His reply was "what you do is up to you and you only and what I do is up to me".