Last August I admitted to my husband I was having an affair. It started as an EA and then PA and then EA. He was my first love, my high school sweetheart...30 years ago. We reconnected on fb. I met up with him in Nov. He was just finalizing his divorce after a 25 year marriage. I thought I was just going to be a good friend to him, but after 5 months of "friendship", it became physical. I was very lonely in my 25 year marriage. Was feeling very neglected and was starving for the attention and affection. After telling my husband in August, the PA ended but the EA continued through texting, phone calls, emails, and an occasional accidentally on purpose encounter. My husband was devasted, but begged me to come back to him. He showed me nothing but love and support, begged me to give up the contact, but I was addicted, I couldn't stop. My husband and I continued to share a bed every night. I knew deep down that I loved my husband, but I couldn't admit. At first it was as if he smothered me so much that I couldn't think. There was a tug-a-war going on in my head. I couldn't give up the contact with the OM, but I couldn't leave my husband either. A few weeks ago, my husband started turning away from me in bed, no more contact. He started distancing himself from me. After months of begging me to come back, he gave up. When I realized he gave up, something snapped in me and I knew exactly where I wanted to be. I wanted my husband back more than anything in this world. I stopped all contact with the OM. I am back and ready to give my husband 110%, but I am too late. I have my head out of the "fog" now that I have no contact with the OM. I am sooo very much in love with my husband, but it's too late. He wants a divorce and says he doesn't love me anymore. He says it went on for too long and he slowly slipped away. He wants everything on friendly terms, but says he can't forget. My heart is broken. We are still sharing a bed. We are still intimate. I can't stop telling him how much I love him...but it is all one sided now, we sort of flip-flopped. There were things to lead to the affair, but there is no excuse for what I did, no matter what. I don't blame my husband for wanting a divorce. I am thankful he stuck by me all these months. I just want him back so bad. I miss US.

LostNLove2

Can you give us more info on your situation?

Exactly how long have you been N/C with the OM?

How old are you both?

First marriage for both of you?

Any children and there ages?

Have you read the basic concepts at the top of the page in the red banner?

As a Former Wayward Husband (FWH) I can see you are still in the fog by your post. You may have a chance to turn this around as you expressed but expect 2 X 4's coming your way. There is a very narrow path that has to be followed to lead to marital recovery. Even though some of the post's may contain 2 x 4's they are used to help guide you and really take a look at a behavior or thought processes that are "typically wayward".

How much reading have you done here?

Read all you can and if you are serious about saving your (M) marriage keep coming back.

This board can not run off anyone who is serious about saving their marriage.

Its late and the week end so expect responses to be slow.

nESRE

Read this Thread How a WW tries to save her marriage.

Many of your answers are in there.

You will need to get ready because you are going to start marathon training today.

You need to read up on Plan A ... you are going to need to Plan A your BH. The thread above will help you understand how you need to work on yourself.

LostNLove2,

Is your husband also posting on Marriage Builders?

How long ago did you stop contact with the OM?
What else have you done to make your husband feel safe?
How have you made your life transparent for your husband? (That has to be a first step, because if he can't feel emotionally safe in investing in any more of himself in you, then he won't do it.)

Have you changed all of your e-mail addresses, closed any secret acounts in your husband's presence, changed your cell-phone numbers, and given him all the passwords to the accounts that remain?

Have you closed your FB account?

(None of those questions are merely rhetorical -- your answers are pertinent to getting the most relevant, practical advice here.)

I'm sorry to say, there are no silver-bullet answers for your situation. That's the beauty of infidelity, ain't it? We built trust in increments, over years, sometimes decades, with our spouses -- and in a matter of weeks, we trash it all, level it to the ground, take something precious & make it all but worthless. We take a sure thing, and we blow it to bits for a spell of selfishness.

Rebuilding a marriage & making it better -- making your "us" better -- than it was before an affair can be done. But: it takes huge efforts from both spouses. Not every betrayed spouse wants to invest that effort, with no surety that what they rebuild won't all get knocked down again by the wayward spouse in some silly relapse.

Read the book "Surviving An Affair." That'll give you some insight into this stuff. It's no silver buillet either -- there are no guarantees for you at this point -- but my wife & I found that it helped us a great deal after my affair.

My husband and I have been married going on 26 years now, only marriage for both of us. My husband is 54 and I am 48. We have 3 children, DS24, DS20, and DD4. I am a stay-at-home mom.

I just recently stopped the contact with the OM, approximately 2 weeks now. My husband has access to my email and fb accts and to my cell phone. Yes, I am reading everything I can.

I little more info..I was as sneaky as I knew how to be. I was like a rebellious teenager. The more my husband snooped, the more I did. For instance, I could get on his history on his computer and see that he had been checking our cell phone acct to see the number of incoming and outgoing text messages, and I would get mad and text that much more. He would confront me about them, but it didn't stop me. I had a second phone at one time and he found it and broke it in front of me. I never replaced it. We have a landline phone that is only used for our internet service. I added long distance to it so that I could use it for contact with the OM when my husband was at work. My husband gave me one chance after another and I just kept going. The OM was meeting my emotional needs, but I know now that wasn't enough to make me happy. I thought it was at the time. I was shown the door many times, but I never left. I think I was in love with 2 men at the same time, but my husband was my security. He stood by me and kept telling me he still loved me and I guess I thought as long as he kept saying that, it was ok to continue with what I was doing. It was when I heard him say that he didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce, that I realized I loved him more than I ever thought I did. I did't think I could give up the contact with the OM, which was mostly texting after August...and A LOT of it. He said all the right words that I needed to hear to keep me feeling good. He was an addiction. I had a little bit of withdraws, but it was just conversation with him that I missed. Right now, I give my husband my undivided attention, even though he doesn't seem to want it. I am trying so hard to meet his needs, but he doesn't seem to want it. He wants everything on friendly terms. I know that is some love still there, but he can't admit it. We still spend time together and share a bed. He just says that it went on too long and he can't forget.

I know I am jumping all over the place here. I am trying to think back on some things and maybe just needing to vent as well. Also, very desperate.

PrayIncessantly, thank you for the thread you referred me to. I have been reading it.

That level of cruelty explains why he fell out of love with you. What a turn off. He has every right and reason to divorce you. Do you live in a fault state where he can divorce you on grounds of adultery? I know in Texas, where I live, even though it is a no fault state, one can introduce adultery to get a more favorable settlement.

Do your children know what you did to their father? What about the OM's wife? Does she know you were shagging her husband?

First off MelodyLane, I came here for help only. I am at my lowest low, but I do deserve your reply. I am taking full blame for the A. I do not blame my husband, even though I was starving for the attention and affection that led to the A.

Yes, our children know everything. I told them the same night I told my husband.

As for the divorce, he has not filed. He is leaving it up to me and wants to agree on everything. He wants everything done on a friendly basis. I won't file until he tells me, because I am praying hard for us to be able to reconcile. I have to have surgery soon and he wants me here while I recover so that he can help me. I told him I would put it off, but he insist I have it while I still have his insurance and before going back to work. He continues to say he cares deeply for me and I am hanging on to that.

As I stated before, the OM is divorced, however, his family knows everything.

So what extraordinary precautions have you given your BH?

What boundaries have you put together? How to Survive an Affair

I am sorry. I am not sure I know what you are asking. Also, being new here, even though I have done a lot of reading, I don't know what all the abbreviations are that are being used.

Acronyms and Abbreviations

Thank you

How to Survive an Affair
Recovery After an Affair

Lostinlove, you won't get any sympathy from me. I understand you are sad, [you are at your "lowest low"] but that is self inflicted pain. My main concern is for your husband. You are sad because of your own actions; you volunteered for that. He has had the brunt of your cruel and abusive behavior for some time. You are not the victim, after all. What are you doing to make this up to him? Have you offered to make just compensation?


Wasn't he married when you began your affair with him? Does his XW know the part you played in her marriage? Have you made amends to her?


If you don't blame him, why bring it up? When a person is truly remorseful, they don't cite the shortcomings of others. I hope you don't think that a lack of attention is an excuse to shag someone else's husband, because it is not.

Have you read this article? Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

"Finalizing a divorce" is wayward speak for MARRIED. Has your husband spoken to his wife to find out the true state of his marriage and to tell her he was shagging you while still married to her?

Guess I worded that wrong. His divorce had just became final...he was divorced when we started our online contact. He told his ex-wife and children everything.

Has that information been verified by your husband? Has your husband told his wife HIMSELF about the affair?

Ok..let's put it this way. There was a keylogger installed on my computer. I had access to the OM's email and facebook and he had access to mine. Also, the OM had not changed his passwords after his divorce, so his XW was reading everything as well. Therefore, everyone knows everything..all confirmed and verified.

"Ok..let's put it this way. There was a keylogger installed on my computer. I had access to the OM's email and facebook and he had access to mine. Also, the OM had not changed his passwords after his divorce, so his XW was reading everything as well. Therefore, everyone knows everything..all confirmed and verified."

And how do you know the XW was reading everything and knows everything?

LostNLove2

2 words and a question come to my mind.

Get a good handle on these two words and know the difference.

Apologies and a word ML brought up-Ammends.

Your BH has probably had enough of the first word as apologies by a wayward are empty and meaningless. How have you done in the ammends department?

Answer this question as a third party looking into your marriage situation--->With only two weeks of No Contact with the Other Man

Why would your BH want to continue this marriage?

nESRE

I was reading her emails to the OM. She made comments to him on the emails between the two of us.

That's hilarious, you were all spying on each other!

LostNLove2

2 words and a question come to my mind.

Get a good handle on these two words and know the difference.

Apologies and a word ML brought up-Ammends.

Your BH has probably had enough of the first word as apologies by a wayward are empty and meaningless. How have you done in the ammends department?

Answer this question as a third party looking into your marriage situation--->With only two weeks of No Contact with the Other Man

Why would your BH want to continue this marriage?

nESRE[/quote]

My apologies are far from empty and meaningless, but I am sure to my husband they are. He says he is not mad at me anymore, he doesn't blame me, he wants us to get along and be friends, and that he forgives me. He says he wants me to be happy even if it means me being with the OM, but that he can't forget. That is was too much for too long. He says he has deep feelings for me, but that the love is once had is gone. I know this doesn't really answer your questions.

Ammends...I have made myself an open book to him. He has access to everything, but he says he is finished checking up on me. I don't go anywhere without him or one of my children with me. I text him throughout the day while he is at work. I am trying so hard to make continuous deposits to his Love Bank, to meet his ENs.

Why would my BH want to continue this marriage? I can't answer that one.

LOL..you made me think back and I did LOL on that one.

This is either a) the craziest thing I have ever heard, or b) the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.

My vote is for B.


Give your husband the OM's wife's full name so he can take care of business.

Then I'll believe you are serious.

It is crazy, but true. The OM never changed his email password. His XW was watching his email, maybe to see what he was up to, I don't know. He just never thought about changing it and never thought about her watching it. He gave me his password to fix something on his email that he couldn't figure out how to do. He had a year's worth of emails on there that were between him and her. He told me to read anything I wanted so I would know what went wrong and know that everything was over between them.

As for giving my husband the OM's XW's (not wife) name, he has all that information if he wants to do anything with it.

My BH did not want anyone to know about the A. All he wanted to do was protect our family. He had told our children to not tell anyone. Just the other day after he told his parents we were divorcing, his sister told him she had heard that I was seeing someone and even knew his name. He told his family to never tell anyone about it. He doesn't even want my side of the family to know. He says this is our business and no one else's. That all they needed to know was that we just grew apart.

That's the shock and pain of a betrayed husband dealing with a cheating wife.

That's the sound of defeat.

He is doing you, himself, the children, the marriage, nor the family any favors - his interest is protecting you from the consequences of your infidelity. It's a misguided reaction because he LOVES you.


The best interest of your marriage and family is to expose your adultery so that eyes are on you from here out.

You didn't answer all of my questions, LostNLove2.

I asked you, did you change the cell numbers & e-mail accounts? (Since you stopped using them to communicate with OM, that is?) You need to have changed all of the numbers & e-mail addresses that OM used to contact you & receive contact from you.

Your husband was snooping on you before, and that didn't stop you from contacting OM anyway. You need to erect as many barriers to renewed contact as possible, in order to give your husband any shred of confidence. (Of course he's given up checking on you -- when he checked on you before, and you didn't stop the affair, it didn't do him much good!) He knows that, long-term, he can't live as your policeman. So YOU have to cultivate (meaning: develop habits of maintaining) good boundaries of your own.

This means that, right now, YOU need to demonstrate EXTRAORDINARY precautions against resumption of contact, as protection against this affair and against another one. Read about them (it's in "Surviving An Affair", around p.70 or so if I recall it right.) They are called EXTRAORDINARY because that's what they need to be: above & beyond what you might think is "normal" or "reasonable." Not "Precautions I'll take if it's CONVENIENT for me."

And same with the FaceBook. Why do you even still have an account at all? I don't care if your husband can monitor it. Are you serious? Why even allow that stressor to be in his life? CLOSE it. Today. That's how you connected with the other man, fercryin' out loud. That was the vulnerability that did you in! Every time you're on Facebook, you're triggered; and just as importantly, every time you're on Facebook, your husband has to wonder what you're up to & to whom your talking, and maybe whom you're "reconnecting with." Ma'am, at least quit sticking the knife in: CLOSE your FB account already. If you're so desperate to give yourself a snowball's chance in hell of saving your marriage, then you'll get this, and you'll do this. (And report back here that it's been done, if you're serious about seeking advice here on our premise that you might take it & put it into practice.)

But if you sit there after reading what I've said, and your first instinct is to come up with a list of reasons why closing something as trivial as a FaceBook account is a bridge too far for you, then that will prove that you (1) don't get what it takes to recover a marriage after an affair, and/or (2) you're not nearly as serious as you say you are about wanting to save your marriage.

LostNLove2, to judge from your husband's reaction, you've got about a 5% chance of saving your marriage anyway. The ony way you'll ever make those odds work in your favor is, you bend over backwards starting yesterday to show that you're all-in.

Remember, I almost trashed a 16-year marriage with my affair. I know way more than you do about how this works. I'm not getting a penny for sharing any of this with you, and in fact, I gave up stopping for a coffee & a chocolate croissant on my way to work to sit here & type this to you, a perfect stranger, because I hate seeing people cause the pain I caused. Now I'll get no coffee for 2 more hours, and I'm a little bitchy right now here on Monday morning. But take what I said in the kind spirit in which it's intended -- if you want to try to hang on & rebuild a better marriage than you had before the affair, then first you have to be all-in, and your husband has to perceive that you are.

Wow if my WW did these things these good people on this forum are suggesting and didn't justify and make excuses we would be so much further down the road hopefully to recovery. My WW thing didn't take place on fb but to a betrayed spouse fb is a scary place I wish my WW would get rid of it.

I understand all you are saying. I had already blocked the OM from my facebook, cell phone, and email so that he couldn't contact me. The facebook I can and will delete. It will take a little longer for me to take care of the cell phone and email acct, but I can do that too. All of our household bills come to my email and my cell phone is our primary home contact for everyone. We have an unused, unlisted landline phone that is only connected to the internet. I had already mentioned to my BH about having those changed and he said we needed to leave them alone. Even though my BH is not checking the accts anymore, as far as I know, I asked my oldest son to be checking so that he could confirm that there is no contact.

I have been all over the place trying to find out the "Plans" so that I can read up on Plan A, but I can't find them. Could you please direct me.

What are Plan A and Plan B

I am in a similar situation to yours- I am trying to save my marriage after I ruined it, but my BH isn't so sure he wants to. If you can, make an appointment with Steve Harley. It's expensive, but worth it. I'll try to share some of what Steve has told me.

You have to make sure your BH knows that the reason happened was your lack of boundaries- that you didn't protect and guard yourself. If he believes it's because he didn't meet your emotional needs (ENs), then he will always be caring/loving for you out of fear that you will do it again. So you have to take care of those boundaries- as everyone else is talking about, extraordinary precautions (EPs).

Here is a good link to a thread that is discussing EP's.
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558780&page=1

You can also go to my thread and see the beginnings of my EP list(I've added things since). http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2600356&page=15

When I made this list, my BH was 100% sure he wanted to D and could've cared less about a list I made. I gave it to him anyways, and I stuck/am sticking to it. He didn't really care what I was doing, and told me that it was 'all fine and nice for me', but wasn't going to change his decision.

Two months later, he still hasn't filed for D- he has stated that he HAS seen a change (as opposed to hearing me say I'm going to change). I would suggest work on the boundaries and make an EP list, post it here so everyone else can help you perfect and poke holes and ask you the hard questions.

Thank you everyone for all the links you have posted for me to read so I can continue doing my homework.

I don't know if this is a wise thing to do, but I want to give an insight to my BH's emotions right now. Looking for ways to comfort him or even how to approach his needs, even though he is usually reluctant to accept my affection and comfort.

As I have said he tells me he wants a D. He doesn't seem to be in any hurry at this time, but says that is what is going to happen. We spend our extra time together. Staying home isn't that easy on us. We go out to eat, take trips to Walmart, and some grocery shopping. He allows me to touch him and give him a hug and kiss on the cheek and he will usually return the hug and cheek kiss as well. I continue to tell him I love him.

Bedtime seems to be the hardest. We still share a bed. He turns away from me, but I will usually ask him if he will hold me a few minutes before going to sleep, and he does, though he sometimes seems reluctant to do so. We are still able to meet the needs of SF. Then it is the after talk that gets emotional. This is when he sometimes breaks down to tears. He says he feels like he is using me and doesn't want me to be mad at him and he doesn't want to give me false hope. He says he hates the cold feelings he has, but he just can't forget. He will allow me to hold him and try to give him comfort at this time.

I hear the words "I'm not mad at you" and "please don't be mad at me" all the time. I am not sure how to take this or even why it is so important to him. Many times when I tell him I love him his reply is "I'm not mad at you. I just can't do this anymore. It was just too much for too long".

You've broken him. It took him saying he wanted a divorce for you to come around. You are just getting a taste of what you did to him for a long period of time. He is now in survival mode and looking to save what little of himself he has left.
From what I have read..and I have read the whole thing, he still loves you, but cannot forget the emasculation and disrespect. The main thing a man has is his ego..if you continually step on that..he has nothing left to give of himself to you..because his ego and pride has been obliterated by the one he thought would never do that..no matter what transpired throughout your marriage, he always thought you would have his back. Now he cannot forget how you did not.

I don't say this very often to too many people, but my opinion is he is done. I believe in miracles and I am hoping you have one.

My FWW found this discouraging when we went through it.

What you have to understand, is despite all the stereotypes, that men are emotionally invested in SF. And for some time, SF is a difficult task after betrayal.

SF requires at least a miniscule amount of intimacy (men can't "perform" without at least threadbare intimacy in these moments). And now he gets to play this doubt in his head, this doubt that you would rather be sleeping with someone else (which is what infidelity demonstrates).

Simply getting through the act can strip a lot of emotional protection from a BH.

DO NOT SHRINK FROM HIM IN THESE TIMES.

You need to stand in the fire that you lit. First and foremost, you must be PRESENT.

Could you please elaborate a little more on this?

DO NOT SHRINK FROM HIM IN THESE TIMES??

You need to stand in the fire that you lit. First and foremost, you must be PRESENT??

LnL,

Your situation sounds a lot like mine. I broke my husband heart. His exact words were "I completely trusted you and you took a sledge hammer to my heart". My H has gone through a lot of the same emotions that your H is going through.


The best advice I can give you (I am still learning) is that you have to show him each and every day how much you are willing to do, FOREVER to save your marriage. This is not a fast process either.

I am only 5 months past D day and things are just now starting to fe


el normal. You make that list of EPs. Not just for him but for yourself. You jump in and work on yourself. Your H may or may not let you back in but no matter what you have to show him that you are willing to be the wife you deprived him of for do long.

I have been in your shoes. I have felt hopeless and still have days when I feel like giving up. Just remember however that your selfishness got you where you are today and your selflessness is the only way to heal yourself and your H. No matter what the outcome may be.

I wish you the best and you will be in my prayers. Keep this site close and take in everything everyone says, even the painful stuff (the truth usually hurts).

My H reacted the same way to my list. In fact he said that he appreciated my effort but it was too late and actually asked for a D the next day. I was crushed but reminded myself that that list was for me as much as it was for him. Think of it as a "respect" list. Changes you are going to make first and foremost for for yourself. Then your spouse, your marriage, and your children.

Unfortunately this is one of those days I feel like giving up, but I won't. I know that I will be here with him at least 2-3 more months. I have surgery coming up and afterwards I still have to find a job and a place to live. He keeps saying he will help me all he can. That he isn't going to kick me out on the street. He is leaving it up to me to file for the divorce (sounds strange I know), but hasn't told me when to do it yet and I am sure not asking him. I assume he is going to wait until after I recover from surgery. He hasn't put a time frame on it...yet.

A big question I have is how do I make deposits to his Love Bank when he has it shut down to me? I keep pouring everything out to him that I can. I know his LB is deep in the red, is he getting any of it?

I have been working on the EP list. I have not gave my H the list yet, but did tell him what I was doing. His reply was "what you do is up to you and you only and what I do is up to me".

Right now, you are/should be in Plan A. This means that you are to be working on yourself, being the best wife you can be WIITHOUT expectations from ypur bh.

If you haven't done so, read up on plan a. As much as you want it to be a out him, its more about you. Yes, you are going to have to find ways to meet his emotional needs but that's what wives do, right?

Read up on emotional needs and love busters. As much as you want to make deposits, you also must be careful not to make withdrawals.

Remember, NO EXPECTATIONS from him. This is about your evolution into the wonderful woman you want to be.

It means do not run away when he shows the pain that you[/u] caused.

It means do not try to counter him with excuses.

It means take responsibility for the mess that [i]you made, the pain that you caused.

It means don't turn into a blubbering mess when he needs you to support him in his time of pain.

Hello Lost,

Don't you dare give up! You're married for 26 years. I understand why your H may be at this time disengaged from your M, but it's up to you now to take a positive step forward, but you need alot of guidance at this critical point. Have you considered counseling with the Harley's? I've noticed you have been sort of bombareed with negative comments from a few posters here, but do not get discouraged. Have you considered telling your H you wish to consult with them. Even is he rejects that, it would be well worth consulting them on your own, and obtain some suggestions on how to proced to get your H on board. I think this is your best option at this point. Twenty-six years is just too much to throw away despite the affair or whateve deficiencies existed in your M unless there was abuse.

Tom

Thank you so much. I won't give up. I had a great marriage before the A. A marriage that many people would envy. We were always very close and did everything as a family. Something happened in the last couple years before the A and we started drifting apart. Then I went stupid when OM offered a friendly shoulder to cry on and started meeting those ENs. I take full responsibility for what I did and I am not making any excuses. I will consider counseling with the Harley's. I know that my H will not. He says this can't be fixed.

NO..there was never abuse.

"A big question I have is how do I make deposits to his Love Bank when he has it shut down to me? I keep pouring everything out to him that I can. I know his LB is deep in the red, is he getting any of it? "

Hello Lost, and thank you for staying here.

As far as your concern as quoted above, you try to do whatever you can in terms of your response to his concerns and needs now without overdoing it. 'Baby steps' I guess, thinking of the "What about Bob" film, but seriously I mean the small things that will reassure him that the affair is ended completely and that you are recommitted to him and your M. Simple things like taking time to email or call him during the day when he is at work, a clean and comfortable home, perhaps inviting him on a date for a nice dinner and movie out where you dress up just for him, asking him about his day with interest but without being obvious, and allowing him to want you to accompany you to something that he especially likes - a ballgame, a movie he would like to see, a fishing or camping trip, anything you can recognize that he would love to do and would not mind you along with him. You will have to do these things in a very discerning manner without any expectations of his reaction. In other words, you will have to be very subtle but very willing.

You menntioned in your last post that "something happened in the last couple of years and we drifted apart". That can happen to any couple for any number of reasons! A marriage can be extremely fullfilling, but the couple can face terrific stresses as well. In my marriage both she and I have had to deal with her mental illness for almost 30 years. It could have destroyed our M, but with grace of God and support from others and the proper medical care we managed to muddle through. So, infidelity, although very destructive, is not the only thing that can threaten a M and cause a couple to drift apart. One thing that my W and I did not lose though is the willingness to communicate and spend quality time together. I do believe that the lack of these two ingredients in a marriage are the root of many separations and infidelities. I am not condining or justifying your affairs, and I feel you are truely remorseful and want to recommit to your M, but only that I can understand that drifting apart can make one partner vulneralbe to abandoing his/her boundaries in protecting their M.

I really hope that you are willing to explore counseling with the Harleys even if your H isn't willing initially.

Prayers for you,

Tom

DO NOT GIVE UP!!! Tom2010 really did a great job of explaining the "baby steps" you need to take. Let me tell you, it is not easy. Your "taker" or selfish side will want your husband to reciprocate the love and EN's that you are giving. Your "giver" however needs to be in charge right now.

Have you read any of Dr. H's books? I am reading Love Busters right now and even though my H is not reading it page by page with me, I am sharing a lot with him and have read it to him. Do you think your H would allow you to do this?

I know that you feel hopeless but I see a glimmer of hope for you guys. It is only a glimmer but with time and your true commitment and remorse, you can get your H back.

He just does not feel safe with you right now. My H just recently told me that he does not know if he will ever be able to give me back his entire heart. This was so discouraging but I have to understand where he is coming from.

Continue to make him feel safe. If he really wanted you gone, surgery or not you would be gone. He is leaving the ball in your court because he needs you to fill it with love and eventually he will take it back.

Make those changes for yourself and show your H through your actions that you are "changing your ways each and every day"

One additional thought. Have you told your H about this site and forum? My H get on occasionally but will not post. Even though he is not as addicted to it as I am, every time he gets on a feel it is one step closer to true recovery for us.

He knows I joined a forum for support and venting. I didn't mention advise. He would just tell me that it doesn't matter there is no chance of us reconcilling. Also, he lacks a lot on computer literacy. He is learning though. I may go ahead and give him the site anyway, I really think it would help him.

I was just thinking about something I noticed the last couple days. My H use to go on to bed without me if I wasn't ready to go or was still up with my DD, like I am right now...she is really hard to get down at night. Now, he goes to sleep in his recliner and I wake him up to go to bed when I do. This started when I ended contact with the OM and started giving him so much affection, especially at night, which was a couple days before he told me he wanted a D and no longer had feelings for me. When we go to bed he turns over away from me. I always ask him to hold me for a few minutes anyway, and he does, although usually acting reluctant to do so. When he holds me I feel a little squeeze and pat now and then and sometimes get a kiss on the head, that feels sooo good. Even after he turns over, I still snuggle up to his back. If I initiate things, he doesn't resist, and I was never the one to initiate before. Afterwards is when he starts feeling guilty for "using me" and begs me to please not be mad at him. Of course I am not going to be mad at him. This is also the time for our best conversation. Next day...he withdraws and is mad at himself for giving me "false hope" and says that can't happen again, but it does. Even though the words are "divorce" and "no love", his touch says differently.

Ok, I know I got carried away with this thought and rambled on. I am starting to repeat myself, but it helps to vent. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but I am grasping at every shred of hope I can.

Just ordered the book Surviving An Affair. I started reading the first chapter that is posted on here and ordered before getting past the first chapter. It can't get here fast enough. Just hope I can get my H to at least read some of it.

Keep grasping and read my latest post "Oh the Irony". Our H's seem so much a like. We broke them and now it is our duty to try and fix ourselves for them. Don't give up and keep loving him with everything you have. Keep with this program and keep changing who you are to who you want to be. I will be your support system. Please feel free to vent or come to me through my posts anytime.

Here are some other fantastic reads while you wait for the book.

How to Survive an Affair

How to Survive Infidelity

Hope they help.

Thank you. I have been reading and keeping up with your post today.

Just had one of those LBs from H. I sent him a simple I love you text, not expecting any reply, becausing he hadn't been when I tell him. This time he got defensive to it. We get along more like friends, with friendly chit chat, hug, and a kiss on the check. He did tell me the other day that sometimes he feels sorry for me, but other times he doesn't at all. I am not asking him to feel sorry for me at all. His words are so hard to hear when he tells me he has no feelings at all, but I keep thinking I feel something in his touch.

to both of you, LnL2 & 15...I know how you feel, and have been where you are at for the past 26 months. We have the added knowledge of the fact that but for our infidelity, life could be so different right now. Me, I might have had a chance at a pretty incredible M if I could have sold my H on MB pre-infidelity. Sadly my adultery and the trickle-truth I put him thru makes selling him on anything having to do with being married to me impossible. I had a taste of how wonderful our M could be, but I lied to get it...and lied to keep it. For four months after my A ended, I was over the moon in love with him, yet at the same time I was torturing him by not disclosing the full truth about my adultery.

I'm not a success story, although I got some wonderful advice and support here...but I know you've both been referred to my thread, and I thought you might want to read some where instead, there were actual happy endings for the FWW's in question:

Looking4's Update

Hopeful_person's Update

Dorry's Update

I've read almost everything these three ladies have posted. You can click on their username and see the posts they've made, and see how they arrived on the board, the changes that were wrought in them, and how their marriages ended up.

The hardest piece to grasp is that right now, you've got to be all about "no expectations." Trust me, having no expectations is tough to do sometimes! You may or may not have any of your needs met. Over time, your LB$ may be totally and completely drained...what kept me going for a long time was knowing that H can refill my LB$...of course, it is his choice as to whether or not he ever wants to do so.

Thank you for the post and for the referrals. Someone referred me to your story, so I have been reading it the last few days. Your story is so much like mine.

It is just so very hard when you feel you have so much love to give, maybe more than you ever have, and it just hits a brick wall. My husband and I had such a good marriage and always said this would never happen to us. Never say never. I do not know the person I was over the past year. Everything I was so against and always said I would never do. I don't blame my husband for what he feels. The hardest thing is, something snapped in me one night and I stopped all contact and was came back to my husband 110%, then 2 days later he says he wants a divorce and has no feelings anymore. It was like he wanted me back, until I came back. I even asked him if it was some kind of game to him. He faught to get me back and he won. Then decided he didn't want me afterall.

I am just so scared and feel like I am on a time clock. Not sure how much time I have before he demands we get the divorce started.

Hello Lost,

I believe I can understand what you feel when you say you feel you are hitting a brick wall. Best way I can explain this is that I have been down with a hamstring injury on right leg now for a week and half from when I felt it a week ago last Sunday. First few days were aggravating and uncertain and it didn't get better, so I gave in and went to a dr. last Thurs. and found out it was a hamstring strain or possible tear from exercises I do. Most of the last several days I did stay down and rest and apply ice as he advised but yesterday and today I felt encouraged in it feeling better so tried to do normal things and now is hurting again. I was in several sports in h.s and college and never had a feeling like this. I have never had a major injury or illness fortunately. This is driving me nuts now tho with having to stay down and wait it out. I rushed it and now think I set myself back aways. So. when I talked to my wife tonight she bawled me out and told me to get real and stay down. I feel resigned to that now and what the hell, a couple of days more with ice and sitting watching sitcomes from the '60s is better than the alternative.

The reason I am relaying this to you is not due to MB concepts, but just as sort of an attempt at a motivationsl speech to you. You just seem like someone who wants to recover her M and someone who is sincere about the sanctity of M at this point. Just like me tho. you are going to have to have patience for thestrain and the inflamation (the pain you caused your H) to subside. I know it is going to take alot of ice, alot of patience, and alot of uncertainty.

What you are doing in obtaining and beginning to read the MB literature is excellent. This is going to be the time you apply the ice to, gain knowledge of, and attempt to understand the injury to your H and your M. Just as I do not plan to sit in the recliner here with my leg up indefinitely, I believe that you're going to find that your relationshop will thaw so long as you continue to exercise patience.

The Best,

Tom

Thanks Tom for the encouraging words. It hasn't been a good day.

I did get the chance to talk to a mutual friend of mine and my H's today. He is a FWS with a success story. He gave me a good encouraging pep talk. I had been wanting so much to talk to his W, but didn't want to stir up those memories. She and I use to work together and were good friends, but drifted apart some after I quit work. We stayed in touch, but not as much. She contacted me tonight and insisted we get together and talk. So, I am really looking forward to spending some time with her and talking to her on Friday. I stood by her when she found out about her H's A. Now she insists I let her be here for me. I asked her H today if he would stop by sometime soon and talk to my H. He really needs someone to talk to. As far as I know, he has not opened up to anyone other than telling his family we are divorcing. At least that is what he tells me, and I believe him. He is a private person.

A little disappointed tonight. H went on to bed early. That is the first time in the past 3 weeks he has went to bed without me. I was hoping for some private time after his draining text messages early today.

Well, I have sit in this house for too long. Just no get up and go since my husband told me he wanted the divorce. My head hurts and I have no energy, but I have planned a ME day and some shopping with my kids. First, I am going to go get my hair and nails done and then take my kids to get some new clothes. I still need to buy my DD an Easter dress and my DS is in desperate need of some jeans. Also, I am going to go buy my H a new recliner, his is broke down beyond repair. Just hope he doesn't think I am trying to buy him by doing so. Things due have a tendancy to back fire on me lately. He keeps saying he has got to have a new one. Neither one of us would have thought anything about me getting him one a month ago, but now I feel like I am walking on egg shells.

WPG,

Thank you for the encouragement and links. I have actually read some of the post for these ladies but am planning on reading more. I continue to pray for you and your family. I like to look at life as the cup is half full not empty. No matter what happens you are a better person because of it.

It still makes me feel ill to know what I did to my H and just how ugly and foggy I became during my affair. It is so scary to me how easily it makes you want to give up everything that is so dear to you for the fantasy.

How many times do you have to hear "I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore", before you finally believe it? Especially when you are lying in bed together and he says it while he holds you. I never stopped loving my H all through the A, but it was like I couldn't find my way back. Then we kind of passed each other, as I was finding my way back, he was letting go. I am so deeply in love with him, maybe more than I have ever been. So, it makes it even harder to accept that there is nothing left to work with. He has so much healing to do, we both do, I want to be there for him to help him and I feel like I can't begin to heal without him by my side to help me.

If I could turn back time the A would never have happened. Somehow we would have worked through everything. We had a great marriage. We just started drifting apart. I am continuing to pray for a miracle. I don't want to lose my husband, the love of my life.

Lost,

The answer is a milion times a million! You're going to have to simply try to exercise more patience. This coming week is Holy Week in my faith and I am committed to doing some tough things - eliminating smoking, becoming more aware of how I could help others even in a small way, etc. It's going to take committment and patience. So, that is what I would advise you again - patience. It's going to take awhile. In my opinion, since he hasn't persured divorce, which as a guy tells me that he is waiting and wanting you to continue to take the lead and continue to demonstrate your committment to your marriage, you have a golden opportunity!

Take care,

Tom

I hope you get your miracle. It will take one for him to ever believe that he ever was the love of your life.

I am trying so hard to hold myself together and to be patient. I continue to tell him how much I love him. It really isn't fair when people try to discourage you here from at least trying. They DO NOT know what is in my heart. MY HUSBAND IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. I could have left him at any point over the last few months, but deep down I knew who I loved and where I wanted to be. Something I told him "I could talk the talk, but I couldn't walk the walk". Meaning I said a lot of things, things he read, that were words that I truly didn't mean, but I could never leave him. He will have to be the one to walk.

i'm sorry this is happening to you LNL, and i know someone else has said it to you... but are you kidding me? "how much" you love him? really? you loved him enough that after 25 years of marriage you went and had an affair w/ someone else bc your betrayed husband wasnt showing you affection? this is the one reason why facebook can be pure evil. you can already tell i'm a BH like your H. so for months you went on and on with the A after "confessing" which was all lies anyway only going no contact recently. that's called a false recovery LNL. you should read up on that. FR's can be even worse than discovering your wayward spouse was unfaithful. first you delivered the hugest blow to his ego then lied repeatedly when you said it was over. and only one time did you two fornicate? doubt that. more like everytime you two "bumped" into each other ("an occasional accidentally on purpose encounter"? where? in a motel? you are obviously holding back the truth/facts here bc you are concerned how he will and the rest of us on MB will react to you. no more lies LNL). your H begged you to break it off. what finally prompted you to wake up was when your BH had had enough of this.

he finally made the decision that he had to stop the pain, stop the bleeding. there comes a point where enough is enough. "MY HUSBAND IS THE LOVE OF MY LIFE." well he certainly wasnt when you were with the OM was he? "hold yourself together and be patient"? after destroying your H, betraying your most sacred vows to him you should be so lucky that your BH hasnt run in the opposite direction. Tom is absolutely correct when he says that if your BH hasnt pursued D yet, then you have a chance.

and what were the "words that i truly didnt mean"? you mustve said ILY to the OM, no? repeatedly? and insofar as your H have to be the "one to walk" well that is his prerogative, no? on the one hand i would like to show you some compassion but just cannot bc you are still quite foggy and not to be trusted. you cannot blame your H for disbelieving you right now. he has absolutely no reason to believe anything you say. actions. not words. you expect your BH to just turn around real quick and say "ok LNL, i love you still and everything is great. thanks for coming back"?

Tom is correct. heed his advice. and for the record LNL, you are not the victim here and should seek out sympathy elsewhere if that is your goal. be prepared for others to call you out on this. go peek at the thread of WPG or wulff pack girl in the Recovery forum. it will give you a better sense of the hill you will need to climb.

LNL2

I believe what you have in your heart as real.



I wrote you back on 3-25





You wrote in response





This is what should be done in a good healthy marriage anyways. Do your AMENDS appear extrordinary to you?


From the merriam-webster dictionary


apology

an admission of error or discourtesy accompanied by an expression of regret



Not much action required with an apology.


amends

compensation for a loss or injury

This is what Dr H talks about as just compensation. There is true action performed because as a wayward we know we have hurt our spouse in the worst way possible.

You wrote in response to another post this





Have you provided the EP list to your BH yet?


The poster posted this link. It is quite important that you understand this is the list we give our spouse regardless of their frame of mind. WE AS THE WAYWARD work off of this JUST COMPESATION list (AMENDS list)

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2558780&page=1


You see feelings follow actions. YOUR ACTIONS-What you say you will do-

from the Extrodinary Precautions list

When you follow it to a T is the action your BH may see and respond to over time.

Burn this into your brain because you may need to repeat these actions over and over and over:

Feelings follow actions. Feelings follow actions. Feelings follow actions.

In order for you to see a change in your BH's feelings towards you, you will need to provide the actions he sees.

REPEATEDLY-And with no expectations.


nESRE wrote




You wrote



You need to provide the JUST COMPENSATION for him to see that you are willing to do the hard work to stay in the Marriage. This and time will help and may convince him to reconsider his decision about D.

Hope this helps

nESRE

To add to what savemymarr wrote maybe this will help.
A Recovery Guide for Wayward Wives

I am not the victim, and I don't pretend to be. I want to help my husband, and my family, to heal from the pain I have caused.

I have decided that this forum is not where I need to be. The discouraging words are making me think I should give up, something I do not want to do. We aren't divorced yet. NO ONE knows what is in MY heart and NO ONE should think they do.

Did you read the above link? Someone who has walked in your shoes.

Read and tell us what you think.

LNL2

I have been on both sides of the fence when it comes to A's.

As a wayward husband I felt the shame, guilt, self loathing and confusion of delivering the worst emotional pain possible to my wife. In my own fog I was not equipped to help my W let alone myself. I spent 3 months in an apartment totally by myself and seeing my BW-dating her again.

This was before MB's was even on-line.

As a BH I personally know the pain many feel here and would have accepted my now XW back to try marital recovery up to the day our D was final had she committed to my list of conditions. I initiated the D. The A was at least 5 years long and many FR's occured.

I hope you will reconsider before leaving this forum. Even if your M can not be saved you may end up having the satisfaction of knowing you tried as hard as you could.

We all make mistakes in life. It is the actions we take after admitting our mistakes that define our true character.


If you don't like the advice a certain poster is giving you have the option from where you are to click on the users name. When that comes up you will see the option to "ignore this user". When you do that their posts will no longer show. It is your option.

I don't believe there are many here that like to see marriages fail. In fact I believe you still have a shot since your still in the same bed in the same house and BH is not persuing the D.

My personal opinion is BH is watching close to see if any changes in you are real and permanent. You have an opportunity window here.

My suggesstion is to use it wisely. This collective group on MB's has many that will help to guide you along the way like no other place I have known.

nESRE

It is a consequence to your affair. You may have to endure this for the rest of your life.

The goal right now is to not put those words on your heart. When he tells you something like that you show him more love. His words come from hurt. I promise you there is love it is just buried beneath the pain.

Your actions only will demonstrate to him your sincerity. With each hurtful word become more determined to break down his wall of pain and heal him.

Determination
Perseverance
Patience

Life will be good!!!

I would like to say I'm sorry for my earlier post LNL. I wish you luck in your effort to regain the love of your BH and recover your marriage. PI is correct. Your actions coupled with your perseverance, determination and patience will dictate your success. Your BH does have love for you somewhere deep inside his heart. Stick with it. No April fools there. I will be praying for your success. It CAN get better. You have to lead.

Lost, if the truth being spoken here is discouraging to you, where will you go? To a place where honesty isn't necessary? Is that really the advice you want?

If you feel a sting when reading a post, you should re-read it. You'll find valuable information there. Understand that some of the people posting to you are people who are in your husband's shoes. They are uniquely qualified to enlighten you as to how he may be feeling.

Here's the thing, Lost. What you did to your husband is a pain beyond measure. What you are feeling is nothing compared to what he is going through. You are feeling pain for your husband, I believe that. But I also believe that part of what you are feeling is fear over the loss of what has really been a pretty good life for you. You are feeling remorse because the loss of your home and family will be caused by your actions.

Having no crystal ball handy I can't say if your marriage will make it or not. I do know that you and your husband are in the early days of dealing with this affair. I think this could go either way. I find it encouraging that your H has not filed for D. I am a big believer in recovery because my FWH (former wayward husband) and I have climbed that mountain and we made it to the top. The view there is great It's difficult, but it's worth it. If your H is willing. It's his call.

As far as what you can do to begin to compensate him for the pain you created: there may be very little that he will acknowledge right now when it comes to any effort on your part. Do it anyway. This is for you, as well - obviously your boundaries were poor. You need to overhaul your personal standards to protect yourself going forward. If your marriage recovers it will be critical that these boundaries be in place.

There is no reason for you to keep FB. GO is right - you'll be triggered every time you get on there. If your H chooses to remain in the M, just knowing that you have a FB account will be a trigger for him. The world will continue spinning nicely without it and you won't wither from lack of socialization. Shut down your account.

Read SAA from cover to cover. Share it with your H as much as he will allow.

Stay here and learn much.

The title of your thread is:
"I want my life back..."

Well, you can. BUT not on your terms. You see, it's been on your terms so far- you 'finally' confessed your A.

But you were continuing your A after your confession. You were not even near recovery. You in fact, did not wish to consider recovery until you realized your husband was 'done'. You did not want to consider recovery until you realized you couldn't have your cake and eat it to. It wasn't until he was so broken down that you decided to privilege him(?) with hope of recovery.

How long has it been since you've actually had NO CONTACT?

Not very long obviously. So now it's time to start recovery on someone's terms except your own. You think you can just turn around such cruel devastation in a few weeks or months? Now, it is time for you to realize how deep you have truly destroyed things - and how much harder it will be to recover.

Cut it out.
You don't have time to play the violin for yourself.
Start working on "amends", as advised.

Pick yourself up.
Dust yourself off.
Start putting MB into action.
That, and only that, will demonstrate a truly remorseful heart.

I am back. After a lot of thought and prayer last night plus a new development, I know I cannot do this on my own. I have to have support, advise, and the encouraging posts that I do get to try to make this work. My husband is my #1 focus. Yes, I do get down and dishearted, but that is because I know that all this could have been prevented. I have not shared the events that led up to the A, and those are not important right now. It is something that will need to be addressed later, if/when we start working to rebuild our marriage. Regardless, the events were no excuse for what I did.

A new development..I guess I have now drove my BH to drinking. Something he never did. He is keeping it hid from me for now, but I have seen the evidence. I do not want to bring this up to him right now. I am very concerned that it could a problem. Do I blame him for trying to find some way to cope?...No. I do wish he would consider medical attention/advise instead. So now I have something else to deal with and more added guilt as well.

This is what I have done and am working on....
Facebook deleted
Hope to have new cell number tomorrow
New email set up and presently working on getting everything transferred so that I can delete the old one.
Went through clothes and threw away some tops that my BH accused me of wearing around the OM because of low necklines. Actually they were clothes I already had and that I had bought with my husband present, but I threw them away just the same.
Looking for a new car, because OM was in mine

There is NO CONTACT and will be NO CONTACT with OM
If the OM finds a way to contact me, I will block that contact and let my H know
I will be O&H
H will have all passwords
H will have access to my phone at all time when home
I will account for all my time
I will not go alone to town where OM lives
I will put a keylogger on computer if H requests
Any other boundries my H requests I will agree to

Yes I read this and thank you for reposting it for me. I saved the link and will continue to read it and reread it.

Thank you. I will continue to repeat these words over and over.

LIL2,

NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! This forum is EXACTLY where you need to be. I almost walked away from it as well because the honesty of the people and situation were almost too much for me to handle.

That would have been the biggest mistake of my life...other than my A.

It hurts to hear the truth and it really hurts to be rejected. Itsn't that the lame excuse so many people who have an A use...I was lonely, feeling rejected...blah blah blah. But this is where we are and this is the true test of who we want to be.

Whenever I start feeling sorry for myself, I put myself in my H's shoes and really try to understand what he is feeling. Believe me, sometimes that is very hard especially since he had his own RA.

Your H is scared to tell you he loves you because he does not feel safe with you. My H is the same way. He is protecting himself because the pain is too much for him right now. It is not safe for him to trust you or allow you to think that he does.

He needs time healing, and to see you willing to be with him no matter what he says or does. Again, I know it is hard and I have a lot of hopeless days. You have to pick yourself up and keep going just like your H had to do for so long while you were in the fog.

Everything I just told you, I learned on this site by people on both ends of the fence. As ML and nESRE, and a number of other people have said, you are not going to like everything you hear, but you need to listen!

Uh-huh. That's not atypical, for a betrayed spouse to resort to self-medication in order to numb their pain. For the rest of my life I will sport a scar on my temple for the same reason.

My H disclosed the A to me early in the morning on D-Day. I went through the day in a daze, worked out at the gym and then stopped at the store and bought two bottles of wine that I promptly started slugging down when I got home. You're not seeing any reference to eating in this story because I didn't eat at all that day. (Or the next two, but I digress.)

Anyway, by 10 that night I was a slurring, heart-broken mess. I sat down on the edge on our bed and immediately did a face-plant into the corner of our dresser, proving the Principle that two solid objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.

Betrayal will do that to a person.

It would really be helpful if your BH would come here. If you see any sign of receptiveness when you get SAA, please tell him that their are people here who can help him.

LNL2,

I just read Dorry's story (the link that WPG sent you). If you have not read it yet, you need to.

Fifteen

I read it, actually have re-read it several times.

I actually sent it to my H via email. Im not sure if he read it but I am going to ask him and if not I am going to see if he will let me read it to him. It really touched me and mirrors us so much.

Hi Lost,

I'm very happy to hear you have stayded here and of your resolve, and no one should be more impressed than you are of yourself.

Now, a short sermon (not at all MB related)! *s* I've heard alot over the years about Christ's supposeded reference to 'dying to gain eternal life'. or 'you have to lose your life to save it', or the 'wheat seed'. etc. This never really phased me much over many years becuae it was never explained or interpreted well in my church. You could take it literally, like the martyrs, but that always seemed stupid to me. I must have been dense, because just now, reading in a little 'relfections' booklet given out by my church way back at beginning of Lent it was explained pretty well. It simply means change - abandoning things that you do that are harmful and hurtfull to yourself and to others, and adopting practices that are the opposite - beneficial to others as well as to yourelf. To give up things that are pleasing to you but are harmful and adveresly affect others is sort of 'dying and rising to a new life' in a way. So, now after all of these years I think I understand a simple priest's explanation in a simple little book about a concept that has evaded me. So, you are 'dying' now in the hope of ressurecting and recovering your M. It's going to be tough, and you have no control over your h's response, but it is for you as well.

I personally think if you endure this, whether or not your M is saved, you could be a tremendous example and comforter in the future to the so many who come here without the understanding and the hope that the sacrament of marriage truely is.

Tom

Lost,

On your H's drinking, yeah you created a traumatic situation that laid the ground for your HUSBAND'S DECISION TO RESORT TO DRINKING. You did NOT drive him there. He decided to kill his discomfort and pain in that manner over something he didn't feel he could handle as your H. Big difference between your creating stress and his decision to choose that out!

I really beg you now to do the following two things:

1) Contact Dr. S. Harley to at least begin to obtain his input on your initial steps and his advice on how to progress, and
2) If you feel it is urgent or appropriate, contact your local Al-Anon for guidance if you feel his current drinking is creating more of an obstacle to saving your M.

Marital, with truely due respect I beleive it is too soon for Lost to invite her H here unless she feels comfortalbe with that. I think the best course at this moment would be for Lost to take the lead and contact Dr. Harley for an individual appt.

Tom

Tom, so good to hear from you, my friend! You sound great! Actually, my concern is for Lost's husband's comfort right now - not hers (no offense, Lost ) He needs to be in the Infidelity Med Center right now for some triage work. Lost needs to do what it takes to recover her marriage, even though it might make her a little uncomfortable.

Thanks Tom for all your encouraging words. Each day is getting a little harder and my H drifts away a little more. He says he wants to be by himself. That he doesn't want to hold anyone and doesn't want anyone to hold him. I did go look at places to rent today.

One part I don't understand, and maybe someone can help me with this. He fought so hard to get me back and then 2 days after I am back and with no contact with OM, then he decides he can't do this and wants a D. It is kind of like he has collapsed with exhaustion from fighting so hard and long. Now he knows I am back and safe, so he can now think about himself for a change, and after taking the time to think, he decided it isn't what he wants. He stood by me and wouldn't leave my side and now he can't be in the same room with me. Please someone help me with this thought.

Hi again Lost,

"Now he knows I am back and safe"

From a guy's standpoint, I can understand his reaction and being married for 40 years I believe I can understand your concern. However, your statement above is not valid. Just from a guy's standpoint, he doesn't feel safe in believing you're truely back at this moment, so you are assuming he does! He lost you for awhile to your OM. He has to feel that he is going to truely win you back again and this is going to take alot of time - months, years. You have to understand that a man's pride runs deep, especially concering his wife and family, and once that pride and trust is affected by a wife devoting herself to another, it is going to take along time for him to feel his W is really back and that is is safe for him to reveal himself. You're tormenting yourself in attempting to rush things and expect too much from him at this moment. All the things about laying in bed together and hugging briefly are just superficial now and mean nothing! He is most likely conflicted as to whether you are 'back' due to the marital obligation, or your true devotion to him. You have to win his trust again. This is just my take, and not official MB.

Lost, this is nothing against you or your plan and your intention to change and recommit to your M as you stated. It is just simply, as I have suggested, to exercise patience. This is just going to take longer than I feel you may be thinking now. I also have a feeling that your sense of urgency of expecting him to 'move on' might be visible to him! So, take it slow - baby steps again . Like, increasing the Undivided Attention time, more date evenings, etc. etc. During this Holy Week (in my faith) you will have some prayers for me and your sitch.

One last thing, stay close to Marital and the others here who are willing to stay with you in this course.

t/j Marital, I recall awhile back I called you a saint for the work you do here. No, I don't mean being elevated by the Pope or any group of people. I mean just a simple human who just simply seems to extend herself for the benefit of others! You've touched my life in a positive way and I am honored that you would refer to me as friend.

Tom

LNL2

Take this as only my speculation..............................

My take from what you write.


BH possibly has collapsed with exhaustion from fighting so hard and long except he may have never played out the scenario of you going N/C and making attempts to repair the M.

He appears to have covered up (then 2 days after I am back and with no contact with OM, then he decides he can't do this and wants a D) to defend himself the only way that seems reasonable in his mind.

What happens now days by the worlds standards? OH-my spouse had an affair-we are getting D'd-move on-move out-shack with the OP long before the D is final. NEXT. No big deal.

Quite possibly with the situation BH did not see the possibility of Recovery and has no clue how to respond except cover up and self protection.

BH has you back-Now what do I do?

We could play this scenario out over and over. I am no mind reader...just speculating.

I think MaritalBliss was right to see if you could get your BH to post here. Who does BH have to talk to in confidence that understands because they have been there-done that? You both would need to agree to stay off each others threads.


I still think you have a window of opportunity here. Only my opinion... but keep in mind that your BH would more than likely actively persue the D if that is what he really wanted.

WPG posted you links to other WW's. Did you look at Looking4's. Did you go back and read from the start? Look at the date she started and all the pages wrote. This bus is not going to turn in a few short weeks or months. You are running a marathon. Not a sprint.

Good to see your list of EP's. Did you give your BH the list?

You said in an earlier post you are thinking of moving out. That would only show BH that you are not serious about marital recovery. Is that your wish? Moving out would only make the MB's program harder for you to work.

Did you get your copy of SAA yet? You could leave it lie around the house where your BH may pick it up and may at least read.

You could always e-mail the Harleys. You may be able to line up a call with them to MB's radio. Dr H would have some words of advice.

You are pretty new here and wht you have just entered (MB's program) will take a lot of time and persistance on your part. Positive responses from your BH may come painfully slow in your world.

Best to you

nESRE

Tom..I do feel an urgency, yet I am trying to take it as slow as I can. I feel I am on a time clock...Me vs. H filing for D. He and I communicate more right now through texting while he is at work then when we are face to face, I know that is not good, but that way he cannot cut me off when I am trying to get my thoughts out there. The problem is he is very cruel and outspoken in texting then when he is home and face to face with me. Yesterday, he told me he was filing for a D and I needed to be ready in a text message in a reply to a text I sent him. At home face to face he apologizes for not being able to return my love when I tell him I love him. He hasn't mentioned a D to me face to face for a while. Let me also add, the texts I send him through out the day is expressing my love for him and just some upbeat positive words for him.

My H did assume that I would leave and go running to the OM. When I told him I wasn't going anywhere, he expressed his anger to me, "so you have put me through all this and you don't even want the man?" I have not been with the OM in 7 months. We continued contact through texting and some phone calls. I have run into him in public 3 times (I think) and one of those times my H was with me. He did not see him until we were in the parking lot driving away. At first my H gave me permission, so to speak, to keep up the texting in order to break away slowly. I did not stick to his guidelines for it though and continued any hours day or night. Honestly, I was addicted to all the "pretty words" that felt good to hear. The same words that rebuilt my self-esteem and started the EA in the beginning.

H will not come here. He lacks computer literacy, but is learning. As far as I know, he is not talking much to anyone about our situation. I did talk to a mutual friend of ours the other day and asked him if he would stop by and talk to him, because he needs to get this out. This mutual friend is a FWS with a success story. After talking with the friend he did tell him he could believe part of what I was telling him now. The thing he did tell me afterwards was not to confuse me with them. He was happy they were able to save their marriage, but he couldn't do it, he couldn't forget.

I have been reading all the links that everyone is posting and many have really helped me. I do appreciate those referrals.

I have not gave my H the list of EPs yet. I really want to have a couple more things completed first, so it seems more real to him. We have had a situation come up that we have had to focus on the last couple days and I am having surgery today, but I will have that ready to give to him tomorrow. No, I have not received the SAA book yet, I do expect it today.

Thank you also on the advice on not moving out yet. I had initially expected to be laid up for approximately 2 months after surgery and my H wanted me to be here so that I could get help, but they are trying a different procedure to see if it will work first and I should be on my feet in a couple days. In a text message yesterday my H had stated that he wanted to be by himself and that is why I went ahead and started looking for somewhere to move to now. I don't want to go before I have to and I don't think he should be alone. He had told me and our children he would continue to help me and he wasn't going to just put me out on the street. I still need to find work, but I do have the money set aside to go ahead and move out if I need to before then while I am looking.

LIL2,

I would not move out until he actually says "Move Out". Let the next two months be a time to heal, you physically and emotionally and your H as well. A lot of what he says is out of hurt and pain.

I can not give you any advice that matches what others have said. You have the most amazing mentors on this site walking you through the long road ahead.

Just keep working on you and your goals! I wish you the best with your surgery and everything. I will continue to stay close by and help you in any way that I can.

Sending Prayers, Patience, Perserverance, and Strength your way!

I would have to agree with the others who say not to move out, until he makes you. Your story is very similar to mine- I had surgery about a week or two after DDAY, and my husband was saying a lot of the same things. I was at my parents house after surgery for 2 weeks (was already planned that way, even before DDAY). But as soon as I could come back home, I did- even though my BH didn't necessarily want me there- he didn't tell me I couldn't come.

Give him the EP list, show him you're working on the stuff on the list. Some can be accomplished right away, others take time(to accomplish and for him to actually see you're serious). My BH told me the other day that he had been thinking about how easy it would be to leave if I wasn't being so disciplined and putting so much effort in. In the beginning though, he told me many times that it wasn't going to matter to him what I did...but that I should do it for myself.

I am probably one of the most impatient people ever, so it has been a definite exercise in patience for me. Just don't give up. It sucks, I totally understand how you feel. I try to read as many BS threads as I can, b/c I really feel like I can get a better grasp on the pain my BH feels- we'll never be able to fully comprehend, but it helps IMO.

Someone was talking about emails- when my BH wouldn't really talk to me at all, I sent him an email pretty much every day, just pouring out everything that I wanted to tell him, that I loved him/was sorry/etc. He never replied, but he always read them. I still often send him emails, usually when we're apart for work. He never replies, but he always reads.

Don't give up. And don't stop coming here, you will find so much support, help, and advice here. Good luck with your surgery- hope everything goes well!

LNL2,

Our D-Day was a year and a half ago. My WH has done close to everything right since then. I have let my taker run amok for over a year, angry and resentful and unable to accept his need meeting, definitely not reciprocate with my own need meeting. I am just now starting to accept him and begin to fill his EN's too, ready to accept that there may just be a light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone is telling you to be patient, and I agree.

IMO, if your husband was really done, he would already have filed. Every time I told my WH I was 'done' I was really not done, but I was so angry and resentful and hurt I wanted him to grasp just how much damage and pain he had caused. I felt like it was my RIGHT to have a little attitude for awhile. If I was really 'done' his bags would have been sitting on the front porch, locks changed. You need to just suck it up right now, until. Until he is ready to start the process of rebuilding, or leaves your bags on the front porch.

FYI every time he says "I'm sorry" I hear it. Every time he does a kind thing I know it. I may not respond, but I know its there. You cannot falter from this path.

Thanks so much everyone for the encouraging words, they help keep me grounded. I am reading and hanging on to all the advice I am getting. I haved decided to not move out until he pushes me out the door. He is too carrying of a man to do that though...or at least he was. I had surgery on my foot today. It was minor surgery to see if they could keep from doing anything major. So, I am going to sit with my foot up and read the book SAA that I got in the mail today. H is going to bring home supper tonight.

A quote from my 4 year old DD today..."Mommy I don't know what happened to you, but I like who you are now". I know she has heard me say so many times, that I don't know what happened to me. I will agree with her when she says she likes who I am now, because I like who I am now too....I am ME again and I don't like who I was and never want to be that person again. I love my husband and children so very much.

LNL2, please do not be dicouraged by my post as I am posting as a BH and 2 false recoveries later. Others might not agree, this is just my take from my situation. I really didn't want to her my WW tell me she love/loved me during are attempts at recovery. In my mind there was no way she could love me and put our kids and myself thru this living he!!. I got tired of hearing the sorry's, they are just words. I heard and read her love and devotion to the OM and if she freely gave it away that easy to someone that is not their H then how can she say it now and it mean something. My point is what I needed was Action not words, show me why now you want to be here with me, show me what you have learned, show him with actions.

What you are saying I see in my H. I did tell him though, that no matter what, I will still be telling him I love him. I have cut things back a little on being overly affectionate, or smothering to him. During my A, him being overly affectionate was smothering to me and did not feel real, because it was not natural for him and it felt forced. He made every step I did. The only privacy I got was going to the bathroom. I had considered moving out, but decided as long as I am here where he can see me, then he is more likely to see the change. Thank you New Path for your post.

In your signature, it says "I'm done", is that how it ended? I do continue to hear those words.

LostNLove2,

You should try and hold on for at least 2 years after your last contact with OM, according to your thread just this March. This is worth doing for your 4 year old.

I'm assuming your H knows everything and you have no other undisclosed infidelities in the past which you still feel guilty about, and can go on in complete honesty.

God Bless
Gamma

LNL2, I am more then willing to assist you from a BH point of view, so you can ask me any questions you may have. Just remember this is just my thoughts.

If you are going to tell your H that you love him make sure it is at the right moment. Meaning when you can look him in the eyes with sincerity(not saying you're not doing it now). Don't say it over and over just a few times a day. When my Ww told me over and over I would start to roll my eyes, thinking yeah ok.

Do you know why he was being overly affectionate?

DO NOT MOVE OUT, that to me would show me that you are not even serious about recovery and I would just give up. He needs to see change, he's looking for it.

My story is long, 98% of the time I am done, there is still that 2% that hopes things would be a recovered M. I told her I was done more than enough, the reason why I said it was 1. being hurt and the pain, just wanting it to go away and 2. I was watching her actions to see if she would fight for me or just walk away. I was looking for proof that she was all in and wanted to recover before I would let there be a crack in my wall. I was protecting myself. To answer your question she ran away again but this time she stole my kids and I had to fight to get my DS back. The damage now is just to much.

t/j Tom, my friend, I am honored that you would say this. Thank you so much for this fine acknowledgement of my attempts to help hurting posters. Yes, I do consider you my friend and I think of you and Char often. If I were your neighbor, I would beg you to grow your tomatoes so I could show you how to make a bang-up batch of fried green tomatoes!

You're a good man, Tom.
end t/j

Gamma, I want to hold on forever. My H did until 2 days after contact with OM ended. I have not been with OM for 7 months, I did keep up the texting and phone calls. It was an addiction for me and I couldn't stop. Now that I have, I don't even miss him or the contact, I really thought I would. Yes, I am being O&H with H and there is nothing in the past...I am transparent.

Thanks New Path. I have even cut back on the I love you's some. Making sure it is an appropriate times...such as, before he leaves for work, once through the day in a text, maybe in passing in the kitchen with a peck on the cheek and an ily, and goodnight. Just trying to keep things more natural.

Do I know why he was being overly affectionate? He was begging and bargaining, and maybe he was trying to compete with the OM. God knows, I wish he was being overly affectionate now.

I am not going anywhere unless he pushes me out the door and I am praying hard that doesn't happen.

I am trying so hard to not give him triggers. I was just thinking about me sitting here typing on the computer may be a trigger point for him b/c of facebook, which has been deleted. I always kept my cell phone only on vibrate during the A when H was around, I don't anymore. Tonight it rang and he made the comment that he didn't know my cell phone even made a noise. That he was sure he never heard it before. I leave it just laying around in the open now so he can see I am not watching it for text messages.

Something I told him I would do to prove my faith and trust in myself and to show him how much I love him and that he could trust me. I told him I was willing to have a legal paper drawn up stating that IF IF IF I should ever betray him again (I never will though) that I would give him full custody of our DD, b/c IF I ever did that again, then I am sick and not stable enough to be raising a child. He knows how precious she is to me. I don't mean for that to come across as if I was using my DD as a bargaining tool. I was very serious.

I would just like to see a small crumb of hope to hold on to right now, but I am not giving up.

If you are truly serious about recovering your marriage, then just do it. Don't just tell him, back it up with actions. If you want to amplify it a little, include that if you ever commit adultery again you willingly forfeit any legal monetary judgments you may be entitled to by your state.

Actions, not words. Have it drawn up by a lawyer, take him out to dinner and present it to him. If you are truly serious, you shouldn't have a problem with any of this.

Looks to me like you are though.

LNL2, this is a long road ahead of you. Don't take this wrong but my WW told me she wasn't going anywhere for weeks and then 2 months later she was gone again. Point is we just don't believe the words, it's actions that make the difference.

As for affection, I have a lot to say about that but the jist of it IMO is he tried all he knew how and was rejected by his W, it wasn't good enough so why bother showing affection now.

Have you asked him what triggers he may have that you don't know yet?

Good on the cell, make sure he always has access to it.

Please don't bring up how he can trust you, because he did once and he got the shock of his life. My WW told me I have to trust her some, uh no, you need to earn my trust. Also stop telling him he is the love of your life, he feels at this time it's a lie, that if it is true then this wouldn't have happened. That can come later if R happens.

What did he say about the legal papers?

You do know about the love bank right? It is either very low or overdrawn. You have to keep at it trying to make deposits. Do you know his top 5 EN's are?

Time and patience

Ok..I will do that. Thank you.

I am not taking anything wrong you are telling me. I think pointers form a BH is a good think. I am purposely leaving my cell phone in sight and access to him. I am considering even getting a new cell besides just changing the number. I will be off my feet for a couple days, so I hope to get a lot accomplished on my things to do list for my EP list. Such as, getting bills switched over to my new email address and getting my cell number changed.

I have not asked him about the triggers, many I can guess myself. I remember him mentioning about me calling OM honey a lot in my facebook messages. He said I never called him honey like that, but I always did. I notice now how much I do call him honey and wonder if he thinks about that. Right now I am trying to not bring up the A at all. I feel he needs a break from talking about it. I got my book SAA in the mail today. I wanted to leave it out in hopes he would look at it, but I don't want to flash anything in front of him right now.

As far as the legal papers when I mentioned them, he just said that DD has nothing to do with our problems.

I do not know his top ENs. Right now he doesn't want to put any effort into or show any effort in even trying to make things work. He did however ask me tonight to show him how to call in and check on OUR bank acct. He also had me order him something from Bass Pro, I thought that was good and something "normal":)

I do know about the LB. I know his is way in the red. I just don't know how to make the deposits when they are being rejected, but I am trying.

I have been in extreme pain tonight after surgery on my foot today. I did ask him if he would care to rub my leg some and he did, but just seemed so reluctant to touch me. It did help give me some comfort and it also felt good to feel his touch. Before he would have been doing anything to help me, but he never even offered help or asked me if there was anything he could do for me...that hurt.

Back to talking earlier about telling him I love him. I didn't mention that his response is always "I know", not sure he does know though.

I am trying and will keep trying and praying. If only there was a time machine. The A would never have happened.

I received a deposit to my LB and it felt so good. It was not an intentional deposit, but anything right now helps. I woke up at 3am in severe pain in my foot from my surgery yesterday. I tried to get from bed to the couch on my own, but couldn't. My H voluntarily got up and helped me to the couch, got me something for the pain, and sit down and rubbed my foot and leg for me and I did not even ask him to. He even called me Honey a few times while talking to me and doing all this...out of habit I'm sure, but none the less it sounded good to hear. Just the touch and concern was a good deposit for me after having nothing for so long. I know he at least cares. There may not be love, but he cares.

When did this continued contact end? You may not of touched or seen OM but you seem to fail to realize that your affair continued because contact continued. So for seven months you rubbed tha OM in your BH's face.

This was not to be harsh but to point out that if you just ended contact the healing could not start till now.

All contact completely ended the first of March, which has not been very long ago. Yes, I realize now what I was doing. With any contact at all, you don't think clearly. Now that I have NC, my mind is clear and I am thinking for myself without that third person continuing to pull me back into the snare. I feel I have a freedom from an addiction. Even with my H rejecting me, I am not wanting the OM and I feel good about that.

LNL2. I have just finished reading your entire thread. You have gotten great advice...eleven pages of great advice. Yet you seem stuck in the same place that you were in when you got here.

I honestly think you are being a little unrealistic when you are disappointed that your BH is not making LB deposits. Why would he be making LB deposits when he said that he is done and wants a divorce?

No. The ball is now in your court.

It is entirely up to you to stop talking and start to DO something...and your BH will keep his walls up until he sees that you are changed and he begins to feel a bit safer with you. He is watching you and sees you ask him if you should do this or that...but what he wants is for you to just take the initiative and do it. THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.

Go back and read those eleven pages of great advice and start doing the things suggested. Most of these things can be done while you are sitting with your foot elevated. I think you can even get a new phone online.

Write up your list of EP's and give it to your BH and tell him that this is how you will protect him and the marriage. Ask him if he would like to add anything.

Stop praying that he will not ask you to leave. Instead come up with a plan...maybe something like...no I am not leaving you and I will fight to keep this family together.

Your remorse is great and will go far in helping your BH heal...but if not kept in check, it turns to self pity over something that you inflicted upon yourself and then starts to do damage as the focus is turned on YOU rather than on healing your BH.

Do something LNL2. Fight for your marriage. That is your only chance to turn it around. I hope my post does not seem mean. I don't want to be mean... just giving my perspective as a BW who felt exactly like your BH...done.

LNL2,

I was actually thinking the same thing that Poker face was. So much so that I went back and read over my first thread "What to do now". I even bumped it up for you if you want to read it.

You sound A LOT like I did a few months ago (and even on some days now). I wanted love and affection so bad from my H that it hurt. I felt like I was doing so much for little to nothing in return.

The fact of the matter is, that you have to go into this expecting nothing in return. Until I figured this out, I was miserable.

Not to freak you out (and if you read my posts you will see for yourself) but my H moved out, had a month long RA, and just moved back in the end of February. Things are just now starting to feel "normal" but we still have really hard days and an extremely long road ahead.

You saw in my lastest post that just last week he basically told me that he did not really care what I did. That was followed by two days of the cold shoulder. I read this as he did not care about me and said to him that night that if he did not care about me then there was no use in even trying to recover our marriage.

As I lay crying in my bed that night feeling sorry for myself, I tried to put myself in his shoes and really think about why he is trying so hard "not to care". Again, it all boils down to the fact that he does not ever want to be hurt the way I hurt him. So I picked myself back up the next day and continued to show him that even if he doesn't care, I DO!!!

He also told me to stop saying thank you after he did something kind for me. He said that the more I said it the less sincere it sounded. It is very hard for either of us to say "I love you" to each other. I am hoping this fades with time but I also reserve my "I love yous" for really special times when I know that he knows that I mean it.

I love this fifteenyears.

Lost - Hi,

I have to admit that when I read your last post I thought it was ironic that you are both trying to heal now - you from the physical effects of your foot procedure and him from the emotional effects of your affair. The two do not exactly equate tho. Our physical body can recover much more rapidly than our emotional/spiritual parts. Still, I think your situation is symbolic now - you feeling pain and him feeling pain.

Of course he cares - you're still his wife! He's not going to put you on the street and have you limp around on your bum foot! *s* So, take what he gives you now and give it back tenfold as you can.

But I have a thought now about this and your situation, and I think you hit the nail right on when you stated in one of your posts 'he may feel he's competing with the OM'. I think that is the way he felt, and he felt that he lost! I really think the length of your M puts your situation on a different level than many others here. Twenty-six years is really a long time for a M. I think the longer and the deeper the M, the greater the pain and indecision for a BH as a result of an affair! Your H already competed for you and won when you both agreed to marry. I feel he does not feel at all CONFIDENT and safe in his wothiness to compete for you now, and that is because he has invested 26 years of his life in you.

So, since both of you are in pain now, this is a good time to reflect on how your pain symbolizes his pain. On a prcatical side, simply let him feel he can win you again. Simple things. Think back to when you guys dated. You gave him LITTLE signs, but you didn't smother him out of desparation. You wanted to continue the relationship, but share with each other more. You wanted to discover each other more. Baby steps. I do not say these things out of any expertise in MB principles, but only out of respect for MB and my own feelings as a guy who has been married for a long long time.

Tom

Lost, just an additional thought - I am not sure whether you honor it or not, but this weeekend is Easter weekend, so simply do something nice for yourself just simply for your efforts so far. First thing that comes to mind is the typical bubble bath, but I think that went out as popular when Doris Day retired! *s* Chocolates are not good either! Just something to help you relax and celebrate for the moment! You're H might even want to chime in. My wife's favorite is a back and butt massage. I've done this for about 40 years now - she was a dancer and developed back and knee problems as a result, and also she quite often got cramps in her legs and butt. I could never understand how she could feel so dilapitaded but I knew she was hurting.

Another thing - your feeling that your H does not have anyone to talk with and confide to about his feelings - talking to a friend is maybe good, but is not the same as someone independent and able to really handle confidence with him. So, urge him, almost demad, that he call Dr. Harley for an appt.

Not going to be on here til after Easter, so Lost I wish you prayer and a happy Easter.

Tom

Tom..I can't get H to do anything for our M. He says there is no use, we are divorcing, and he can't forget. However, he still hasn't talked to me about the divorce terms and we are still under the same roof. We share the same bed, but nothing happens there anymore. It was at my request that he not leave our bed. That when I leave is when we start sleeping in separate beds and he has granted me that request so far.

Bubble baths are a great thing that I still love, but I miss sharing them with my H. I had planned to have a big Thanksgiving type dinner, but not sure if I will be back on my feet this weekend, so maybe just a cookout.

I will miss you the next few days Tom. Happy Easter to you too and God Bless You!

Divorce talk quite often is just a defense mechanism. Many a BH talk but don't walk. So ignore the talk and don't move out or quit plan A'ing.

So you are now 1 month past Dday.

Do you know that recovery is a two to five year job?. You have about 730 to 1,830 days of work ahead of you.

Just think after today you will be down to 1,829 days.

TheRoad...I am continuing to hope and pray that H gives us time to work toward recovery. I am not leaving until he pushes me out the door, so to speak, and I keep thinking if he doesn't want to be here, he could leave, even though I have asked him not to. I can't afford to keep our house on my own, and I wouldn't want to anyway because we live next to his parents.

So, yesterday evening was a much better evening. H doesn't get in from work until about 7. He went out and got us supper, b/c I still can't be on my feet and was still in a lot of pain. Normally he will spend some time in the evening sitting out on the porch to have some alone time, but last night he sit with me until he went to bed. Once he even told me I needed to try to go to bed, but I wasn't able to at the time. He finally said he was going to have to go on to bed and to come to bed when I could, which sounded nice to me. I asked him for a hug and he hugged me and I told him I loved him. His reply was "I know you do", but this time he said it as if he really believed me, and he had just been saying "I know" real quickly.

For the last few days I have cut back on smothering him with affection and I guess just trying to act more "normal". Now when we go to bed together, I give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him I love him instead of clinging to him and insisting he hold me. I haven't been sleeping well for the past month and I know every move he makes in the bed. After letting up on "smothering" him at night, now through the night I feel him move against me and sometimes even spoon me, but without putting his arm around me. I don't let on to him that I am awake, b/c I know he would move. Now, he may be doing this in his sleep, but last night he moved my legs some with his in order to spoon. He doesn't do it real close, but I love the contact. There were many times over the past months that I would wait until he was asleep and snuggle against his back and put my arm around him. I didn't want him to know, and I have know idea why, except that I was trying to keep some distance. Like I have said, I knew I loved him all through the A, but I was blaming him and mad at him for allowing the A to happen. Of course, it wasn't his fault, but I had to make excuses for what I was doing. All that blame has changed now and I take full responsibility for my actions.

I thought there was a link posted on my thread for samples of letter to be sent to OP expressing NC and the desire to stay with BS and work on saving the M. I didn't find the link on my thread, so I must have seen it on another one. Could someone please post that link for me?

No Contact Letters

Thank you!

So once again, last night I pretty much kept the same routine I have for the most part of the last few nights. H and I went to bed at the same time last night, he turned over away from me, I reach over and kissed him on the head, I say "I love you" and he replies "goodnight". Well, last night I guess I was needing a little more contact, because I was feeling bad from the pain in my foot and was always use to receiving comfort from him. So, I asked him if I could lie against his back and he said "if you want to" and it was said in a caring voice. I am really liking his soft more caring voice the last few days. Well, I went right to sleep against him, I didn't even put my arm over him. Again, through the night I felt the contact he was making when he thinks I am asleep...rolling over and moving against me, partically spooning me, and last night he put his hand on the top of my head and rubbed my head some. If I move, he rolls back over, but then if I am still again as if asleep, he rolls back to me again. I think, he is missing the contact with me, but yet afraid to let me know, and if I don't know, then he is able to keep a better distance. Any opinions on this?? Maybe he is actually asleep and doing all this in his sleep and subconsciously out of habit, but I don't think so. However, he just started this in the last few nights after I backed off on the affection at night and started giving him his space.

I have also backed off on texting him so much through the day and then I just send him random subject text, about nothing in particular. A couple other changes I have noticed the last couple nights is..he is not going out on the porch for alone time and he is not sitting and texting all his phone until he goes to bed. I even checked his phone log and he isn't hardly texting with anyone during the day the last 2-3 days, except replies to my text and with our sons. He is very addicted to texting. He has however, been sitting with his computer and his earphones in watching music videos. So there is very little communication at all between us, but we aren't arguing.

Did you do the NC letter and ask him to approve it and have him send it?

No, I have not yet, but I will be doing that. I have the letter. My concern right now is, things are quiet and calm and I am walking on egg shells to keep them that way. The "D" word has not been brought up for a few days. I just hate so much to disrupt anything. I want us all to have a good Easter weekend together. I will watch for the right moment, because it is something I definitely want and need to do. Just everytime I try to do something right, he throws back that there is no use because we are divorcing and I need to accept that...and part of the letter is wanting my H and marriage.

The letter is important! Talking about it is important! Don't carpet sweep just to keep the peace. I am not saying that you should bring it up all of the time but it can't be ignored because that will not help with recovery.

Some of the hardest times have been are discussion about the A. They have beenv very painful on both ends but also healing after everything was said and done.

Well, so much for trying to keep things calm. I sent H a text earlier that my brother's family wanted us to all have dinner together on Sunday. His reply was "I will go, but nothing has or will change for me". I replied with an "ok". Then I replied "just know I love you and I would do anything in this world for us to be together...but I don't have a time machine". Feels like he just busted my bubble of hope.

Oh the feeling of hopelessness...I know it is a feeling he has had too

The NC letter is part of just compensation for your BH, that he deserves.

This will show him you're sorry better than words. It will show you're serious.

So if he still chooses D that is his choice. I don't see what you doing the right thing has anything with that?
Are you scared to do the right thing? Isn't that what everyone has been trying to tell you? You can't control him or his actions only yourself.

Are you not sending the NC because you don't want to completely close that door to the OM?

I do want to close the door. I feel such a freedom since I have ended the contact. I will give it to H this evening.

I will give the letter to H tonight.
We have fought and talked and discussed the A for so long, I just really enjoy the down time. I no I can't just sweep it under the carpet, I wish it was that easy. I want to deal with it and have the chance for recovery and to heal. I just hate to be the one to be bringing the subject up when things are at a calm.

Believe me I do understand how you feel.

The fact that he is going with you should mean a lot. Again, he is saying these words out of pain and for protection.

The relationship I shared with you was thoughtless and cruel for everyone involved. It hurt so many people, especially my husband. He did NOTHING to deserve what I did to him. I never stopped loving him. I got caught up in something that should never have happened. I am committed and determined to make up for the hurt I have caused my husband and our children.

I have deleted my facebook, changed my email address, and have a new cell phone number. I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish that you not try to contact me in any way.


Opinions or changes??

He cares for my family. He may be doing this more for them and not me. Holidays are really hard for them after the lose of their child.

These are my thoughts LNL2. I'm not sure why you are telling him that you have new avenues for contact such as new phone number etc. He does not need to know that. Just NC for LIFE.

I guess I was adding those more for the benefit of my husband. Just as a reminder that they are gone. I will make the changes. Thank you.

Adding that info just makes a BS like me suspicious. OM does not need any clues on how to contact you further. I believe that your intentions were true.

Thanks for your help. Letter has been re-written and ready. The letter is not a problem for me and breaking the contact with OM has been easier than I thought. It is just having to bring up the subject of the A to my H and already knowing what his words to me will be that hurts. The words hurt me and I feel like bringing the subject up to him is just another jolt of pain for him.

The letter should be handwritten.

Your BH's pain will ease as you take the actions like these to protect him and the marriage. Give it time. A lot of time. Just keep working on EARNING back his trust.

I did hand write it. I thought it was be best that way. As far as time goes, I just keep hoping he gives me time. He has to know I am not doing anything. I stay home most of the time now and my 20 yr old son is home with me most of the time. If I go anywhere, I always have one of our children with me. I am sure his parents are always watching me as well, they live next door. He says he has stopped watching me and checking on me, so I asked my older children to check on me and watch me for him. I may be able to earn his trust, but him loving me again and wanting to be with me might be the hardest.

Did you also give your BH a list of extraordinary precautions?

From Dr. H's book Surviving an Affair:

This should do nicely.

Pokerface,I had posted this before, but had no comments on them.

This is what I have done and am working on....
Facebook has been deleted
New cell number
New email address
Went through clothes and threw away some tops that my H accused me of wearing around the OM because of low necklines. Actually they were clothes I already had and that I had bought with my H present, but I threw them away just the same.
Looking for a new car, because OM was in mine

There is NO CONTACT and will be NO CONTACT with OM
If the OM finds a way to contact me, I will block that contact and let my H know
I will be O&H
H will have all passwords
H will have access to my phone at all time when home
I will account for all my time
I will not go alone to town where OM lives
I will put a keylogger on computer if H requests
Any other boundries my H requests I will agree to

I believe this has been posted in a link for you before. I am posting again for you. You have missed a few important things.

LNL2. I'm not trying to bash you. I want you to succeed. This stuck out at me.

Does this mean you get a brand new car because you had an affair?

The car OM was in should go but you should not benefit from it.
Maybe BH should get a brand new car and you get his used one. That seems more fair to me.

I don't know your car situation...but BH should come out with the better end of the stick on this one.

My H had already told me he wanted me to trade my car in due to OM being in it. I definitely won't be getting anything new.

LNL2

Just my 2 cents on your EP's list. You need to give your BH the list soon and N/C letter so he has something concrete to run off of.

How far did you get in reading SAA?

nESRE

This will be very helpful for your BH, so get on it right away. My H traded in his car after D-Day because OW was in it. Until we got that done, I had to look at it in the driveway every day. I had to deal with a lot of mental images that were prompted by just seeing that damned car. I required that the replacement be a completely different make and color. It made a big difference.

Have you giving your BH your NC letter and your list of EP yet?

If so, how did it go?

Hello Lost, it's been awhile *s*

I sincerely hope you are feeling better after your foot surgery. My wife had arthroscopic knee surgery a few years sgo and I remember the the elastic bandage and cold packs etc, we had to apply and helping her around. Fact that your H is concerned of how you are feeling shows that he cares for you - not that is means being in love with you again but that he does really care for you above others. I really wish I had my wife here now just in case I need the help, coming home from vigil mass last night on my bike hit a rock or stone head on on my bike and landed on elbow an side of my knee. It was dark and I wasn't paying attention to the path and thinking ahead about what I stil wanted to to and then bango. Well woke up this morning and anticipate some soreness but not having to use one leg to walk because it same let with hamstring strain. So honestly yea am looking for a little comfort from a gat to be quite honest~ Told Char when I talked to her this afternoon and she jist told me I hope you feel better but 'why didn;t you ride there with your friend' and 'don't make it worse by trying to walk' etc etc. Yeah well.

One thing Lost is you have to stop dallying on the NC letter. Get is donw. Like not later this week, but asap. Do not over analyze it - do it. You might be surprised on the effect on your H.

I hope you feel better after your surgery now, I hope that you now feel more comfortable in participating here for sake of your M now, and just that I think that you are sincere and that you are a sweetheart!

Tom

He is ready to try!!!!! We had a great weekend with famiy and a few times I had to distance myself, because it felt too good. Last night when we went to bed, he slept on the edge of his side of the bed, I guess he was having those same feelings. This morning he got up an hour earlier than he needed to. I found him sitting in the living room crying. We talked, I gave him the NC letter, and we talked some more. Then we held each other and shared affection, gosh that felt good. He said no one knows him like I do and that one thing he found out for sure is that he is very jealous. He said he just keeps trying to figure out why I did it. I told him if I knew the answer to that, I would tell him, but that I don't, other than getting caught up in the attention and all the, what I call, "pretty words". He said he has been trying, but he it going to try harder. He didn't want to leave me and go to work this morning, I liked that part too. So, we are trying to make some plans to spend more time together and even talked about trying to schedule a vacation soon.

Hey Tom, Welcome back. Hope you had a great Easter weekend. Sorry about your accident. Yes, I am feeling better. Finally got a good night sleep last night. Had a great weekend, but over did it. I rode 4-wheelers all day Saturday, just trying to get some out of the house time and "norm" time. It wasn't good for my foot at all, but I needed it just the same. As far as the letter and how things are going with my H and I, I just posted that above. Now, after a great morning with him, I am still very afraid to get my hopes up. One thing I didn't mention above is, I have not actually gave him the EPs list, but we did talk about it this morning.

Good job on giving him the NC letter. What did he say about it?
Is he going to mail it off?

Did you also give him your list of EP's?

Remember it's your job to help him feel safe in your marriage and your actions will need to show him that.

He didn't say anything about the letter or mailing it. I read it to him and left it on the table beside his chair. After I read it he only asked me if the OM was still texting me. I told him it had been a month since contact.

I did not have the list EP list handy, it was still on my computer, but I told him about it and talked to him about what was on it. I talked to him a lot about this website as well.

When he left for work this morning he said he felt a lot better and that we would talk some more. He hugged me and kissed me again before he left. We have also been texting back and forth. I don't want him to try to ignore this and try to move on. I want us to work through it together. At least now I know that he wants to try. He never told me he loved me this morning and as much as I want to hear it, that's ok, because I did feel it. Now, those LB deposits should be a little easier to make. I am determined to fill his LB up and have it running over, no matter how long it takes

H had to work over last night and didn't get home until late. We texted back and forth all day yesterday. I was on edge all day wondering if things were going to be different when he got home after being so great yesterday morning between us. I had a hot supper waiting on him when he got home, even though it was about 11:30. He came in the door and came straight to me with a smile on his face and hugged and kissed me. He said he had thought about me all day and couldn't wait to get home...shew, what a relief. We had a great night and he said it all felt so good. This morning he hugged and kissed me bye before he left for work. Even though I am telling him I love him, he is still not saying in back. Oh, that part worries me, but his affection doesn't seem forced, it feels real. He use to tell me he loved me all the time and would send me love you texts all day. I just keep praying it comes back for him. In the meantime, it sure feels good to be held by him again and I will keep on loving him and telling and showing him I love him and that he can trust me.

Lost, this is all very encouraging! Keep doing what you're doing. He's not saying I Love You because he's feeling vulnerable and is scared. I think it will come soon, though.

You need to be very aware that he'll be riding an emotional rollercoaster for a while - one day he'll be up, then the next day he'll come crashing down. Enjoy the 'highs' with him and help him through the 'lows'.

Good job on the actions of showing him you're changing (especially of having dinner ready at 11:30).

I would still give him your list of EP's because this will continue to give him the actions he needs right now.

Excellent letter from Dr. Harley about just compensation.

Can we just forgive and forget?

Yes, you are right on the emotional roller coaster. He is having a down moment now and questioning as to whether he can do this and put things behind him. We have been texting back and forth and I got the "I do care for you", that one hurts. We are having some fun texting also though and getting him in a better mood. I really want his love back. At times I get down thinking I don't deserve it, but I have to keep building him and me up, I just can't lose him. He does keep talking about future plans for us and going to the beach this summer. So, I will continue to talk future plans with him.

I am very happy for you LNL2. Pay attention to what MB says above. I was going to say something similar but she nailed it.

I wish you the best and continue to keep up the good work even when things are not where you want them to be.

Thank you. I am still a little afraid to have my hopes up, but I am willing to do what it takes to make him happy and meet his needs. I know life will never be like it was for us, but I can see me giving more to our M and never taking things for granted again.

Hello Lost!

You've come a damn long way so take a min and hug yourself for just a min for your efforts, and then hug your God for His help in this as His help as expressed thru others here.

You're right in not raising your hopes to high at this point, but I think you have 'atracted' him rhru your efforts and your demonstration of your committment to your M. It's still up to him, but you have to continuo attract him as you are doing with your committment and your devotion. The around on wheels sounds great, and hope he swirled you a couple of times in your wheelchair! Hope you are feeling much much better! I've gotten tired of staying down in recliner with ice and heat packs and listening to 70's music and today I felt better so am at the computer now and am planning to get to wokr and volunteer startign tomorrow.

While I was down and listening to these old rock songs best was "get it on" early 70's I think, and it was one of Char's favs when we were early in our marriage - so with no great expectations Lost continue to 'get it on' with your H with your best efforts.

Tom

Tonight when my husband got home from work, he walked in the door, straight to me, hugged and kissed me, and looked me in the eye and said "I love you and I want us to grow old together. I feel like I am home for the first time in a long time". I am on cloud 9. Thanks for all the support. I think we are now headed in the right direction for a recovery.

Hi Lost,

It's great to hear of your progress now. Altho keep in mind that reconsiliation is not a straight-line thing - there are going to be one step back, two steps forward times. You have to take your own time and measure of this, but do you think that this would be a time for you and your H to begin counsel with Dr. Harley?

Hope and prayers,

Tom

I know there will be ups and downs. Right now I am enjoying the feeling of newlyweds and the honeymoon phase. He has asked that we please try real hard to make this work. He said he faught long and hard to get me back and wants us to stay together. I told him that we cannot just sweep what happened under the rug, that need to work through it...together. For now we are making plans to spend extra time together. Talking about what we want to do together and things we want to do to the house. Especially looking forward to a vacation that we both need. We have friends that we had drifted apart from that we have bonded with once again. They are 3 1/2 years into recovery and doing great. So we feel we have a good support team that we can talk openly to.

The drinking I had mentioned once before in one of my post, I guess it didn't work for him. One thing he did ask me if we could do together is to have a glass of wine together in the evenings. So, this teetotaler made her first trip to a liquor store yesterday and we are relaxing together in the evenings.

I am sooo happy and hopeful now.

Update...things are still going good between H and me. I have realized we have both changed. I am trying to look over things and not have any lovebusters, but eventually issues will have to be addressed. I know he is keeping things from me, not an A, but just the way he has changed. He is not the same man, but how could he be after what I put him through. I so very much want my old H back. Hopefully, someday we will get there. However, we are VERY affectionate toward each other and have a strong intimate relationship as well. I guess we are trying to get as close as we can to each other in order to block things out. I did all the yard work this week so he wouldn't have to and we could spend more time together this weekend.

I was not prepared for the feelings I would start experiencing. I am contastly worried about what he is thinking, and wonder if he is wondering what I am thinking as well. We haven't talked much at all about the A, but we talked and faught for the last 8 months about it. Just wondering if he is ready to put it behind him now, or if I should try to get him to talk about it. I honestly don't want to think or talk about it at all. I don't have the answers for him anyway. He just says he wishes he could forget about it. He sees no need for MC, so I won't push it. I do wish he would go to the doctor and gets something to just take the edge off. He seems to push the issue of having drinks together. We never drank before and I don't want to add on extra problems. He did schedule a vacation week in May and one in June so we can have more time together. In May we are going to work on things around the house together and June we are going to the beach. We sooo much need a relaxing vacation.

Hey Lost,

Good to see you back. Great you and BH are spending time and making deposits to each others LoveBanks.


One thing with your whole situation jumps out with me though:


What is the PLAN?

You see we can talk about the problems all day and all night 24/7.


What is the solution?

MB's is action-solution oriented so we do not sit stuck. If we stay stuck we end up with a crippled version of our pre-A marriage. I get the idea that is where you are at now.

A couple of ideas for you to toss around

Article

AND also


Courses/Seminars

The truth of the matter is you will not get your life back exactly as it was. Are you sure you do want it back? The A has changed both BH and you. It is impossible to undo what has happened in the past.

The important part here is what solutions the two of you arrive at. Dr. H puts that all togetherr here. Yes some of its costs $$$ but divorce is extremely expensive and don't get me started on the changes I have had to make.

Consider getting BH onboard with possibly the online courses. That would be a plan and may open an entirely NEW MARRIAGE to you both.

Best wishes

nESRE

You need MARRIAGE BUILDERS. Not a MC.

What MB concepts have you been using?????

Well, it has been almost a year since I have been here. It was hard to come back and see what I had posted here. But, I just wanted to slip in and say "LIFE IS GREAT" and "MY MARRIAGE IS THRIVING"!!! Thank you to all those who pulled for us. I do still live with the nightmare of what I did. I am so blessed with a wonderful husband that stood by me and fought to pull me out of the fog. I sure do love him!!

Thanks for the update.

That is awesome! Always great to hear about a marriage that has recovered and is thriving, and I believe that it helps those who post on this SAA thread to see that there is hope when MB tactics are put to good use. God bless.