Right now, you are/should be in Plan A. This means that you are to be working on yourself, being the best wife you can be WIITHOUT expectations from ypur bh.

If you haven't done so, read up on plan a. As much as you want it to be a out him, its more about you. Yes, you are going to have to find ways to meet his emotional needs but that's what wives do, right?

Read up on emotional needs and love busters. As much as you want to make deposits, you also must be careful not to make withdrawals.

Remember, NO EXPECTATIONS from him. This is about your evolution into the wonderful woman you want to be.

It means do not run away when he shows the pain that you[/u] caused.

It means do not try to counter him with excuses.

It means take responsibility for the mess that [i]you made, the pain that you caused.

It means don't turn into a blubbering mess when he needs you to support him in his time of pain.

Hello Lost,

Don't you dare give up! You're married for 26 years. I understand why your H may be at this time disengaged from your M, but it's up to you now to take a positive step forward, but you need alot of guidance at this critical point. Have you considered counseling with the Harley's? I've noticed you have been sort of bombareed with negative comments from a few posters here, but do not get discouraged. Have you considered telling your H you wish to consult with them. Even is he rejects that, it would be well worth consulting them on your own, and obtain some suggestions on how to proced to get your H on board. I think this is your best option at this point. Twenty-six years is just too much to throw away despite the affair or whateve deficiencies existed in your M unless there was abuse.

Tom

Thank you so much. I won't give up. I had a great marriage before the A. A marriage that many people would envy. We were always very close and did everything as a family. Something happened in the last couple years before the A and we started drifting apart. Then I went stupid when OM offered a friendly shoulder to cry on and started meeting those ENs. I take full responsibility for what I did and I am not making any excuses. I will consider counseling with the Harley's. I know that my H will not. He says this can't be fixed.

NO..there was never abuse.

"A big question I have is how do I make deposits to his Love Bank when he has it shut down to me? I keep pouring everything out to him that I can. I know his LB is deep in the red, is he getting any of it? "

Hello Lost, and thank you for staying here.

As far as your concern as quoted above, you try to do whatever you can in terms of your response to his concerns and needs now without overdoing it. 'Baby steps' I guess, thinking of the "What about Bob" film, but seriously I mean the small things that will reassure him that the affair is ended completely and that you are recommitted to him and your M. Simple things like taking time to email or call him during the day when he is at work, a clean and comfortable home, perhaps inviting him on a date for a nice dinner and movie out where you dress up just for him, asking him about his day with interest but without being obvious, and allowing him to want you to accompany you to something that he especially likes - a ballgame, a movie he would like to see, a fishing or camping trip, anything you can recognize that he would love to do and would not mind you along with him. You will have to do these things in a very discerning manner without any expectations of his reaction. In other words, you will have to be very subtle but very willing.

You menntioned in your last post that "something happened in the last couple of years and we drifted apart". That can happen to any couple for any number of reasons! A marriage can be extremely fullfilling, but the couple can face terrific stresses as well. In my marriage both she and I have had to deal with her mental illness for almost 30 years. It could have destroyed our M, but with grace of God and support from others and the proper medical care we managed to muddle through. So, infidelity, although very destructive, is not the only thing that can threaten a M and cause a couple to drift apart. One thing that my W and I did not lose though is the willingness to communicate and spend quality time together. I do believe that the lack of these two ingredients in a marriage are the root of many separations and infidelities. I am not condining or justifying your affairs, and I feel you are truely remorseful and want to recommit to your M, but only that I can understand that drifting apart can make one partner vulneralbe to abandoing his/her boundaries in protecting their M.

I really hope that you are willing to explore counseling with the Harleys even if your H isn't willing initially.

Prayers for you,

Tom

DO NOT GIVE UP!!! Tom2010 really did a great job of explaining the "baby steps" you need to take. Let me tell you, it is not easy. Your "taker" or selfish side will want your husband to reciprocate the love and EN's that you are giving. Your "giver" however needs to be in charge right now.

Have you read any of Dr. H's books? I am reading Love Busters right now and even though my H is not reading it page by page with me, I am sharing a lot with him and have read it to him. Do you think your H would allow you to do this?

I know that you feel hopeless but I see a glimmer of hope for you guys. It is only a glimmer but with time and your true commitment and remorse, you can get your H back.

He just does not feel safe with you right now. My H just recently told me that he does not know if he will ever be able to give me back his entire heart. This was so discouraging but I have to understand where he is coming from.

Continue to make him feel safe. If he really wanted you gone, surgery or not you would be gone. He is leaving the ball in your court because he needs you to fill it with love and eventually he will take it back.

Make those changes for yourself and show your H through your actions that you are "changing your ways each and every day"

One additional thought. Have you told your H about this site and forum? My H get on occasionally but will not post. Even though he is not as addicted to it as I am, every time he gets on a feel it is one step closer to true recovery for us.

He knows I joined a forum for support and venting. I didn't mention advise. He would just tell me that it doesn't matter there is no chance of us reconcilling. Also, he lacks a lot on computer literacy. He is learning though. I may go ahead and give him the site anyway, I really think it would help him.

I was just thinking about something I noticed the last couple days. My H use to go on to bed without me if I wasn't ready to go or was still up with my DD, like I am right now...she is really hard to get down at night. Now, he goes to sleep in his recliner and I wake him up to go to bed when I do. This started when I ended contact with the OM and started giving him so much affection, especially at night, which was a couple days before he told me he wanted a D and no longer had feelings for me. When we go to bed he turns over away from me. I always ask him to hold me for a few minutes anyway, and he does, although usually acting reluctant to do so. When he holds me I feel a little squeeze and pat now and then and sometimes get a kiss on the head, that feels sooo good. Even after he turns over, I still snuggle up to his back. If I initiate things, he doesn't resist, and I was never the one to initiate before. Afterwards is when he starts feeling guilty for "using me" and begs me to please not be mad at him. Of course I am not going to be mad at him. This is also the time for our best conversation. Next day...he withdraws and is mad at himself for giving me "false hope" and says that can't happen again, but it does. Even though the words are "divorce" and "no love", his touch says differently.

Ok, I know I got carried away with this thought and rambled on. I am starting to repeat myself, but it helps to vent. Maybe I am reading too much into it, but I am grasping at every shred of hope I can.

Just ordered the book Surviving An Affair. I started reading the first chapter that is posted on here and ordered before getting past the first chapter. It can't get here fast enough. Just hope I can get my H to at least read some of it.

Keep grasping and read my latest post "Oh the Irony". Our H's seem so much a like. We broke them and now it is our duty to try and fix ourselves for them. Don't give up and keep loving him with everything you have. Keep with this program and keep changing who you are to who you want to be. I will be your support system. Please feel free to vent or come to me through my posts anytime.

Here are some other fantastic reads while you wait for the book.

How to Survive an Affair

How to Survive Infidelity

Hope they help.

Thank you. I have been reading and keeping up with your post today.

Just had one of those LBs from H. I sent him a simple I love you text, not expecting any reply, becausing he hadn't been when I tell him. This time he got defensive to it. We get along more like friends, with friendly chit chat, hug, and a kiss on the check. He did tell me the other day that sometimes he feels sorry for me, but other times he doesn't at all. I am not asking him to feel sorry for me at all. His words are so hard to hear when he tells me he has no feelings at all, but I keep thinking I feel something in his touch.

to both of you, LnL2 & 15...I know how you feel, and have been where you are at for the past 26 months. We have the added knowledge of the fact that but for our infidelity, life could be so different right now. Me, I might have had a chance at a pretty incredible M if I could have sold my H on MB pre-infidelity. Sadly my adultery and the trickle-truth I put him thru makes selling him on anything having to do with being married to me impossible. I had a taste of how wonderful our M could be, but I lied to get it...and lied to keep it. For four months after my A ended, I was over the moon in love with him, yet at the same time I was torturing him by not disclosing the full truth about my adultery.

I'm not a success story, although I got some wonderful advice and support here...but I know you've both been referred to my thread, and I thought you might want to read some where instead, there were actual happy endings for the FWW's in question:

Looking4's Update

Hopeful_person's Update

Dorry's Update

I've read almost everything these three ladies have posted. You can click on their username and see the posts they've made, and see how they arrived on the board, the changes that were wrought in them, and how their marriages ended up.

The hardest piece to grasp is that right now, you've got to be all about "no expectations." Trust me, having no expectations is tough to do sometimes! You may or may not have any of your needs met. Over time, your LB$ may be totally and completely drained...what kept me going for a long time was knowing that H can refill my LB$...of course, it is his choice as to whether or not he ever wants to do so.

Thank you for the post and for the referrals. Someone referred me to your story, so I have been reading it the last few days. Your story is so much like mine.

It is just so very hard when you feel you have so much love to give, maybe more than you ever have, and it just hits a brick wall. My husband and I had such a good marriage and always said this would never happen to us. Never say never. I do not know the person I was over the past year. Everything I was so against and always said I would never do. I don't blame my husband for what he feels. The hardest thing is, something snapped in me one night and I stopped all contact and was came back to my husband 110%, then 2 days later he says he wants a divorce and has no feelings anymore. It was like he wanted me back, until I came back. I even asked him if it was some kind of game to him. He faught to get me back and he won. Then decided he didn't want me afterall.

I am just so scared and feel like I am on a time clock. Not sure how much time I have before he demands we get the divorce started.

Hello Lost,

I believe I can understand what you feel when you say you feel you are hitting a brick wall. Best way I can explain this is that I have been down with a hamstring injury on right leg now for a week and half from when I felt it a week ago last Sunday. First few days were aggravating and uncertain and it didn't get better, so I gave in and went to a dr. last Thurs. and found out it was a hamstring strain or possible tear from exercises I do. Most of the last several days I did stay down and rest and apply ice as he advised but yesterday and today I felt encouraged in it feeling better so tried to do normal things and now is hurting again. I was in several sports in h.s and college and never had a feeling like this. I have never had a major injury or illness fortunately. This is driving me nuts now tho with having to stay down and wait it out. I rushed it and now think I set myself back aways. So. when I talked to my wife tonight she bawled me out and told me to get real and stay down. I feel resigned to that now and what the hell, a couple of days more with ice and sitting watching sitcomes from the '60s is better than the alternative.

The reason I am relaying this to you is not due to MB concepts, but just as sort of an attempt at a motivationsl speech to you. You just seem like someone who wants to recover her M and someone who is sincere about the sanctity of M at this point. Just like me tho. you are going to have to have patience for thestrain and the inflamation (the pain you caused your H) to subside. I know it is going to take alot of ice, alot of patience, and alot of uncertainty.

What you are doing in obtaining and beginning to read the MB literature is excellent. This is going to be the time you apply the ice to, gain knowledge of, and attempt to understand the injury to your H and your M. Just as I do not plan to sit in the recliner here with my leg up indefinitely, I believe that you're going to find that your relationshop will thaw so long as you continue to exercise patience.

The Best,

Tom

Thanks Tom for the encouraging words. It hasn't been a good day.

I did get the chance to talk to a mutual friend of mine and my H's today. He is a FWS with a success story. He gave me a good encouraging pep talk. I had been wanting so much to talk to his W, but didn't want to stir up those memories. She and I use to work together and were good friends, but drifted apart some after I quit work. We stayed in touch, but not as much. She contacted me tonight and insisted we get together and talk. So, I am really looking forward to spending some time with her and talking to her on Friday. I stood by her when she found out about her H's A. Now she insists I let her be here for me. I asked her H today if he would stop by sometime soon and talk to my H. He really needs someone to talk to. As far as I know, he has not opened up to anyone other than telling his family we are divorcing. At least that is what he tells me, and I believe him. He is a private person.

A little disappointed tonight. H went on to bed early. That is the first time in the past 3 weeks he has went to bed without me. I was hoping for some private time after his draining text messages early today.

Well, I have sit in this house for too long. Just no get up and go since my husband told me he wanted the divorce. My head hurts and I have no energy, but I have planned a ME day and some shopping with my kids. First, I am going to go get my hair and nails done and then take my kids to get some new clothes. I still need to buy my DD an Easter dress and my DS is in desperate need of some jeans. Also, I am going to go buy my H a new recliner, his is broke down beyond repair. Just hope he doesn't think I am trying to buy him by doing so. Things due have a tendancy to back fire on me lately. He keeps saying he has got to have a new one. Neither one of us would have thought anything about me getting him one a month ago, but now I feel like I am walking on egg shells.

WPG,

Thank you for the encouragement and links. I have actually read some of the post for these ladies but am planning on reading more. I continue to pray for you and your family. I like to look at life as the cup is half full not empty. No matter what happens you are a better person because of it.

It still makes me feel ill to know what I did to my H and just how ugly and foggy I became during my affair. It is so scary to me how easily it makes you want to give up everything that is so dear to you for the fantasy.

How many times do you have to hear "I'm sorry, I don't love you anymore", before you finally believe it? Especially when you are lying in bed together and he says it while he holds you. I never stopped loving my H all through the A, but it was like I couldn't find my way back. Then we kind of passed each other, as I was finding my way back, he was letting go. I am so deeply in love with him, maybe more than I have ever been. So, it makes it even harder to accept that there is nothing left to work with. He has so much healing to do, we both do, I want to be there for him to help him and I feel like I can't begin to heal without him by my side to help me.

If I could turn back time the A would never have happened. Somehow we would have worked through everything. We had a great marriage. We just started drifting apart. I am continuing to pray for a miracle. I don't want to lose my husband, the love of my life.