Gamma, I want to hold on forever. My H did until 2 days after contact with OM ended. I have not been with OM for 7 months, I did keep up the texting and phone calls. It was an addiction for me and I couldn't stop. Now that I have, I don't even miss him or the contact, I really thought I would. Yes, I am being O&H with H and there is nothing in the past...I am transparent.

Thanks New Path. I have even cut back on the I love you's some. Making sure it is an appropriate times...such as, before he leaves for work, once through the day in a text, maybe in passing in the kitchen with a peck on the cheek and an ily, and goodnight. Just trying to keep things more natural.

Do I know why he was being overly affectionate? He was begging and bargaining, and maybe he was trying to compete with the OM. God knows, I wish he was being overly affectionate now.

I am not going anywhere unless he pushes me out the door and I am praying hard that doesn't happen.

I am trying so hard to not give him triggers. I was just thinking about me sitting here typing on the computer may be a trigger point for him b/c of facebook, which has been deleted. I always kept my cell phone only on vibrate during the A when H was around, I don't anymore. Tonight it rang and he made the comment that he didn't know my cell phone even made a noise. That he was sure he never heard it before. I leave it just laying around in the open now so he can see I am not watching it for text messages.

Something I told him I would do to prove my faith and trust in myself and to show him how much I love him and that he could trust me. I told him I was willing to have a legal paper drawn up stating that IF IF IF I should ever betray him again (I never will though) that I would give him full custody of our DD, b/c IF I ever did that again, then I am sick and not stable enough to be raising a child. He knows how precious she is to me. I don't mean for that to come across as if I was using my DD as a bargaining tool. I was very serious.

I would just like to see a small crumb of hope to hold on to right now, but I am not giving up.

If you are truly serious about recovering your marriage, then just do it. Don't just tell him, back it up with actions. If you want to amplify it a little, include that if you ever commit adultery again you willingly forfeit any legal monetary judgments you may be entitled to by your state.

Actions, not words. Have it drawn up by a lawyer, take him out to dinner and present it to him. If you are truly serious, you shouldn't have a problem with any of this.

Looks to me like you are though.

LNL2, this is a long road ahead of you. Don't take this wrong but my WW told me she wasn't going anywhere for weeks and then 2 months later she was gone again. Point is we just don't believe the words, it's actions that make the difference.

As for affection, I have a lot to say about that but the jist of it IMO is he tried all he knew how and was rejected by his W, it wasn't good enough so why bother showing affection now.

Have you asked him what triggers he may have that you don't know yet?

Good on the cell, make sure he always has access to it.

Please don't bring up how he can trust you, because he did once and he got the shock of his life. My WW told me I have to trust her some, uh no, you need to earn my trust. Also stop telling him he is the love of your life, he feels at this time it's a lie, that if it is true then this wouldn't have happened. That can come later if R happens.

What did he say about the legal papers?

You do know about the love bank right? It is either very low or overdrawn. You have to keep at it trying to make deposits. Do you know his top 5 EN's are?

Time and patience

Ok..I will do that. Thank you.

I am not taking anything wrong you are telling me. I think pointers form a BH is a good think. I am purposely leaving my cell phone in sight and access to him. I am considering even getting a new cell besides just changing the number. I will be off my feet for a couple days, so I hope to get a lot accomplished on my things to do list for my EP list. Such as, getting bills switched over to my new email address and getting my cell number changed.

I have not asked him about the triggers, many I can guess myself. I remember him mentioning about me calling OM honey a lot in my facebook messages. He said I never called him honey like that, but I always did. I notice now how much I do call him honey and wonder if he thinks about that. Right now I am trying to not bring up the A at all. I feel he needs a break from talking about it. I got my book SAA in the mail today. I wanted to leave it out in hopes he would look at it, but I don't want to flash anything in front of him right now.

As far as the legal papers when I mentioned them, he just said that DD has nothing to do with our problems.

I do not know his top ENs. Right now he doesn't want to put any effort into or show any effort in even trying to make things work. He did however ask me tonight to show him how to call in and check on OUR bank acct. He also had me order him something from Bass Pro, I thought that was good and something "normal":)

I do know about the LB. I know his is way in the red. I just don't know how to make the deposits when they are being rejected, but I am trying.

I have been in extreme pain tonight after surgery on my foot today. I did ask him if he would care to rub my leg some and he did, but just seemed so reluctant to touch me. It did help give me some comfort and it also felt good to feel his touch. Before he would have been doing anything to help me, but he never even offered help or asked me if there was anything he could do for me...that hurt.

Back to talking earlier about telling him I love him. I didn't mention that his response is always "I know", not sure he does know though.

I am trying and will keep trying and praying. If only there was a time machine. The A would never have happened.

I received a deposit to my LB and it felt so good. It was not an intentional deposit, but anything right now helps. I woke up at 3am in severe pain in my foot from my surgery yesterday. I tried to get from bed to the couch on my own, but couldn't. My H voluntarily got up and helped me to the couch, got me something for the pain, and sit down and rubbed my foot and leg for me and I did not even ask him to. He even called me Honey a few times while talking to me and doing all this...out of habit I'm sure, but none the less it sounded good to hear. Just the touch and concern was a good deposit for me after having nothing for so long. I know he at least cares. There may not be love, but he cares.

When did this continued contact end? You may not of touched or seen OM but you seem to fail to realize that your affair continued because contact continued. So for seven months you rubbed tha OM in your BH's face.

This was not to be harsh but to point out that if you just ended contact the healing could not start till now.

All contact completely ended the first of March, which has not been very long ago. Yes, I realize now what I was doing. With any contact at all, you don't think clearly. Now that I have NC, my mind is clear and I am thinking for myself without that third person continuing to pull me back into the snare. I feel I have a freedom from an addiction. Even with my H rejecting me, I am not wanting the OM and I feel good about that.

LNL2. I have just finished reading your entire thread. You have gotten great advice...eleven pages of great advice. Yet you seem stuck in the same place that you were in when you got here.

I honestly think you are being a little unrealistic when you are disappointed that your BH is not making LB deposits. Why would he be making LB deposits when he said that he is done and wants a divorce?

No. The ball is now in your court.

It is entirely up to you to stop talking and start to DO something...and your BH will keep his walls up until he sees that you are changed and he begins to feel a bit safer with you. He is watching you and sees you ask him if you should do this or that...but what he wants is for you to just take the initiative and do it. THE BALL IS IN YOUR COURT.

Go back and read those eleven pages of great advice and start doing the things suggested. Most of these things can be done while you are sitting with your foot elevated. I think you can even get a new phone online.

Write up your list of EP's and give it to your BH and tell him that this is how you will protect him and the marriage. Ask him if he would like to add anything.

Stop praying that he will not ask you to leave. Instead come up with a plan...maybe something like...no I am not leaving you and I will fight to keep this family together.

Your remorse is great and will go far in helping your BH heal...but if not kept in check, it turns to self pity over something that you inflicted upon yourself and then starts to do damage as the focus is turned on YOU rather than on healing your BH.

Do something LNL2. Fight for your marriage. That is your only chance to turn it around. I hope my post does not seem mean. I don't want to be mean... just giving my perspective as a BW who felt exactly like your BH...done.

LNL2,

I was actually thinking the same thing that Poker face was. So much so that I went back and read over my first thread "What to do now". I even bumped it up for you if you want to read it.

You sound A LOT like I did a few months ago (and even on some days now). I wanted love and affection so bad from my H that it hurt. I felt like I was doing so much for little to nothing in return.

The fact of the matter is, that you have to go into this expecting nothing in return. Until I figured this out, I was miserable.

Not to freak you out (and if you read my posts you will see for yourself) but my H moved out, had a month long RA, and just moved back in the end of February. Things are just now starting to feel "normal" but we still have really hard days and an extremely long road ahead.

You saw in my lastest post that just last week he basically told me that he did not really care what I did. That was followed by two days of the cold shoulder. I read this as he did not care about me and said to him that night that if he did not care about me then there was no use in even trying to recover our marriage.

As I lay crying in my bed that night feeling sorry for myself, I tried to put myself in his shoes and really think about why he is trying so hard "not to care". Again, it all boils down to the fact that he does not ever want to be hurt the way I hurt him. So I picked myself back up the next day and continued to show him that even if he doesn't care, I DO!!!

He also told me to stop saying thank you after he did something kind for me. He said that the more I said it the less sincere it sounded. It is very hard for either of us to say "I love you" to each other. I am hoping this fades with time but I also reserve my "I love yous" for really special times when I know that he knows that I mean it.

I love this fifteenyears.

Lost - Hi,

I have to admit that when I read your last post I thought it was ironic that you are both trying to heal now - you from the physical effects of your foot procedure and him from the emotional effects of your affair. The two do not exactly equate tho. Our physical body can recover much more rapidly than our emotional/spiritual parts. Still, I think your situation is symbolic now - you feeling pain and him feeling pain.

Of course he cares - you're still his wife! He's not going to put you on the street and have you limp around on your bum foot! *s* So, take what he gives you now and give it back tenfold as you can.

But I have a thought now about this and your situation, and I think you hit the nail right on when you stated in one of your posts 'he may feel he's competing with the OM'. I think that is the way he felt, and he felt that he lost! I really think the length of your M puts your situation on a different level than many others here. Twenty-six years is really a long time for a M. I think the longer and the deeper the M, the greater the pain and indecision for a BH as a result of an affair! Your H already competed for you and won when you both agreed to marry. I feel he does not feel at all CONFIDENT and safe in his wothiness to compete for you now, and that is because he has invested 26 years of his life in you.

So, since both of you are in pain now, this is a good time to reflect on how your pain symbolizes his pain. On a prcatical side, simply let him feel he can win you again. Simple things. Think back to when you guys dated. You gave him LITTLE signs, but you didn't smother him out of desparation. You wanted to continue the relationship, but share with each other more. You wanted to discover each other more. Baby steps. I do not say these things out of any expertise in MB principles, but only out of respect for MB and my own feelings as a guy who has been married for a long long time.

Tom

Lost, just an additional thought - I am not sure whether you honor it or not, but this weeekend is Easter weekend, so simply do something nice for yourself just simply for your efforts so far. First thing that comes to mind is the typical bubble bath, but I think that went out as popular when Doris Day retired! *s* Chocolates are not good either! Just something to help you relax and celebrate for the moment! You're H might even want to chime in. My wife's favorite is a back and butt massage. I've done this for about 40 years now - she was a dancer and developed back and knee problems as a result, and also she quite often got cramps in her legs and butt. I could never understand how she could feel so dilapitaded but I knew she was hurting.

Another thing - your feeling that your H does not have anyone to talk with and confide to about his feelings - talking to a friend is maybe good, but is not the same as someone independent and able to really handle confidence with him. So, urge him, almost demad, that he call Dr. Harley for an appt.

Not going to be on here til after Easter, so Lost I wish you prayer and a happy Easter.

Tom

Tom..I can't get H to do anything for our M. He says there is no use, we are divorcing, and he can't forget. However, he still hasn't talked to me about the divorce terms and we are still under the same roof. We share the same bed, but nothing happens there anymore. It was at my request that he not leave our bed. That when I leave is when we start sleeping in separate beds and he has granted me that request so far.

Bubble baths are a great thing that I still love, but I miss sharing them with my H. I had planned to have a big Thanksgiving type dinner, but not sure if I will be back on my feet this weekend, so maybe just a cookout.

I will miss you the next few days Tom. Happy Easter to you too and God Bless You!

Divorce talk quite often is just a defense mechanism. Many a BH talk but don't walk. So ignore the talk and don't move out or quit plan A'ing.

So you are now 1 month past Dday.

Do you know that recovery is a two to five year job?. You have about 730 to 1,830 days of work ahead of you.

Just think after today you will be down to 1,829 days.

TheRoad...I am continuing to hope and pray that H gives us time to work toward recovery. I am not leaving until he pushes me out the door, so to speak, and I keep thinking if he doesn't want to be here, he could leave, even though I have asked him not to. I can't afford to keep our house on my own, and I wouldn't want to anyway because we live next to his parents.

So, yesterday evening was a much better evening. H doesn't get in from work until about 7. He went out and got us supper, b/c I still can't be on my feet and was still in a lot of pain. Normally he will spend some time in the evening sitting out on the porch to have some alone time, but last night he sit with me until he went to bed. Once he even told me I needed to try to go to bed, but I wasn't able to at the time. He finally said he was going to have to go on to bed and to come to bed when I could, which sounded nice to me. I asked him for a hug and he hugged me and I told him I loved him. His reply was "I know you do", but this time he said it as if he really believed me, and he had just been saying "I know" real quickly.

For the last few days I have cut back on smothering him with affection and I guess just trying to act more "normal". Now when we go to bed together, I give him a kiss on the cheek and tell him I love him instead of clinging to him and insisting he hold me. I haven't been sleeping well for the past month and I know every move he makes in the bed. After letting up on "smothering" him at night, now through the night I feel him move against me and sometimes even spoon me, but without putting his arm around me. I don't let on to him that I am awake, b/c I know he would move. Now, he may be doing this in his sleep, but last night he moved my legs some with his in order to spoon. He doesn't do it real close, but I love the contact. There were many times over the past months that I would wait until he was asleep and snuggle against his back and put my arm around him. I didn't want him to know, and I have know idea why, except that I was trying to keep some distance. Like I have said, I knew I loved him all through the A, but I was blaming him and mad at him for allowing the A to happen. Of course, it wasn't his fault, but I had to make excuses for what I was doing. All that blame has changed now and I take full responsibility for my actions.

I thought there was a link posted on my thread for samples of letter to be sent to OP expressing NC and the desire to stay with BS and work on saving the M. I didn't find the link on my thread, so I must have seen it on another one. Could someone please post that link for me?

No Contact Letters