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Sounds like he's just trying to set up another round of trickle truth.

I don't know - but isn't the right path to continue with the "no reason for us to talk right now, we can talk after you've passed a lie detector" line?

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he would have to actually tell her things before passing as he is clearly not telling her the whole truth but dont know if he needs to do it in person or just write it down.


Me -BS 40
Him - FWH 34 (dtl)
3 D-Days from 12/25/10 to 01/06/11
NC - 01/09/11
02/20/12 done beating my head on that wall.
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I didn't even assume he wanted to talk to tell her any new info. I figure it was just more of the "I'm telling you the truth ... you need to believe me ... I love you ...", except he thinks doing it in person will be more effective than texting, since that hasn't worked.

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Exactly Deacon, I think Stafish just needs to be a broken record about not buying it until he starts singing a different song than 'please beleive me'


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Wow.
He is so very wayward and I don't see a snap of a finger fixing him soon.

Sure, meet with him. You are still in plan A.

When you are with him, you don't get angry, disrespectful, etc BUT you don't believe what he says just because he is kind of convincing. If logic points to him lying, you simply know it and are pleasant but matter of fact and firm when pressed on whether you believe him or not.

He is putting a whole lot of energy into trying to convince you he is being truthful versus being truthful. IYKWIM?

Let's have it be a given, he is lying and lying about lying and understand openess and honesty are something he needs skills with to be a good husband.







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Originally Posted by Deacon_Blues
I didn't even assume he wanted to talk to tell her any new info. I figure it was just more of the "I'm telling you the truth ... you need to believe me ... I love you ...", except he thinks doing it in person will be more effective than texting, since that hasn't worked.

I agree. He predict he believes he can beat her down some more.

starfish, I am getting very worried about you, hon, and think you should consider going into Plan B sooner rather than later. I understand the job thing needs to go on the back burner for now.

Are you up to more spin from him?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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The counselor that my Sister's friend referred does know a lot about addictions and lying. He is an addict and former liar and he said this woman is unbelievable. He said it will take some time, but he feels that she can help. He is a completely different person today... an honest person. My sister has even seen his transformation.

He told me that **edit** is sick (all addicts are) and he needs help. I am willing to give him a small amount of time, but told him the clock is ticking. I think the reason for his one text was because I know he is still lying to me and himself and that maybe he is stuffing it due to shame/guilt or protecting me or him from more pain, but I still need the truth. I can't move forward without the truth. This is what I told him last night. My sister (former addict) also believes that he will come clean, but she said its going to take some time.

Last edited by MBLBanker; 03/27/12 02:56 PM. Reason: editing personal info
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SF, I am a former professional liar and addict, and I can tell you that one does NOT need counseling to tell the truth. They only need a willingness to tell the truth. He is accustomed to being able to lie his way out of predicaments and he believes he can do that here.

But if he wants to take the counseling route, I would strongly advise you to go into Plan B while he works it out. He doesn't need counseling to tell you the truth, he only needs willingness and he doesn't have that now.

In the meantime, he is tearing you down so bad that you are going to have post traumatic stress disorder when this is all said and done. What he is doing is about as cruel as it gets. Even if he told you all the truth TODAY, you are facing a very long, hard road.

Going into Plan B has 2 big benefits: it protects you from his trickle truth head games and it motivates him to come clean.

And no, he is not protecting you. He already knows how much his lies hurt you. He is protecting HIM. I tell you this as a FORMER PROFESSIONAL LIAR.[and addict]

Last edited by MelodyLane; 03/27/12 09:38 AM. Reason: added word!

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Liars lie when they know they can get away with it. Any good liar would LOVE to go to counseling for a few years to work out their "issues" to avoid telling the truth. If your husband is going to take that route, then you need to end contact with him until he works out his "issues." He needs to understand there is unlikely to be a marriage left when the spirit moves him to tell the truth.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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ML: Did you FWH take a polygraph?

Who else on here had their WS take a polygraph and how many times did they take it? Did they pass or fail?

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starfish, mine didn't take a polygraph but several here have done it. Most often they pass the test because they get the truth out beforehand. I can only think of one guy that flunked and it turns out he was lying. Most of them that are still lying avoid taking the test at all.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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So....I think that your WH agreed to take the test and lied and thinks it is valid to talk his way out of it by lying about lying adds an extra layer of what you are dealing with to recover. A bit more change he has to make to be your husband. More he has to work through.







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Originally Posted by starfish75
Recent text:

I'm not saying there may not be smaller things a counselor may pry out of me over time stuck deep inside, but there is nothing as big as the bomb I have already dropped on you.

The only "smaller thing" that could have caused him to flunk the test is having sex with another woman. That is the smaller thing that caused him to flunk. And he wouldn't need someone to "pry" anything out of him if he were willing to be honest.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I agree with what you all are saying, but how did YOU know that your WH was telling everything and being honest without a polygraph? I agree my WH is still withholding information, but I would like to hear from others that have experienced something like my situation. I know there is more truth to be told.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
starfish, mine didn't take a polygraph but several here have done it. Most often they pass the test because they get the truth out beforehand. I can only think of one guy that flunked and it turns out he was lying. Most of them that are still lying avoid taking the test at all.

What happened with this guy that failed the polygraph?

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
SF, I am a former professional liar and addict, and I can tell you that one does NOT need counseling to tell the truth. They only need a willingness to tell the truth.

Yes.

And starfish, my guess is that your WH is also unwilling to give up his SSL & the lifestyle that has enabled it.


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Originally Posted by starfish75
ML: Did you FWH take a polygraph?

Who else on here had their WS take a polygraph and how many times did they take it? Did they pass or fail?


Hi Star, sorry you're going through this.

My H passed his and I thought he would fail. We had a two hour car ride to get it done and asked him numerous times if there was anything he wants to tell me and he said that he had told me everything. He was calm, confident and anxious to get it done. In the back of my mind, I reasoned that was acting like that because he thought he could weasel his way out of the polygraph but I did my research and trusted the results of the polygraph than him.

One of the questions that has been comforting to this day was:

Other than OW#1 & OW#2 was there anyone else before we were married, during, and after? (It wasn't exactly worded that way because I wanted to have a broad question on 'anyone' if he had physical relation with men or non-human).

I'm glad he passed and we are able to move forward, although at a snail paced, toward recovery and living the Marriage Builders lifestyle.

I'm glad that you took a leave after you found out, please continue to take care of yourself and perhaps see a doctor for medication.


Me: BS/FWW - 38
BH/FWH - 36
Married 13 years, together 17 years
Two boys: 9 & 12
OW#1 DDay: PA Nov 26, 2009 (July 2008-July 2009)
OW#2 DDay: PA Nov 29, 2009 (May 2009-Sept 2009)

Me: EA/PA (RA?) June 2010-Sept 2010
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Originally Posted by starfish75
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
starfish, mine didn't take a polygraph but several here have done it. Most often they pass the test because they get the truth out beforehand. I can only think of one guy that flunked and it turns out he was lying. Most of them that are still lying avoid taking the test at all.

What happened with this guy that failed the polygraph?

His wife has moved out and filed for divorce. She was so worn down from his trickle truth that she couldn't take it anymore.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by starfish75
I agree with what you all are saying, but how did YOU know that your WH was telling everything and being honest without a polygraph? I agree my WH is still withholding information, but I would like to hear from others that have experienced something like my situation. I know there is more truth to be told.


The thing is that you have given him every opportunity to come clean and he has turned you down. You can't force him to tell the truth. And no amount of counseling will force a person to be honest against his will. He could go to counseling for a 100 years and it wouldn't make a difference if he is not willing. All it takes is willingness. Your H believes he can bluff his way out of this.

I agree with Susie that he is very addicted to his secret second life and knows that by coming clean he would have to give that up.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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He is at an attorney's office right now... His Dad's idea. He doesn't know that I know where he is at right now.

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