Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 13 of 59 1 2 11 12 13 14 15 58 59
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
ML,
Pardon me but what the heck else can I do while trying to not get fired while i do all this at work? Meanwhile I cant get any support family and friends. What else am I supposed to be doing.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
ML,
Pardon me but what the heck else can I do while trying to not get fired while i do all this at work? Meanwhile I cant get any support family and friends. What else am I supposed to be doing.

Can you do the things that I have exhaustively and repeatedly posted? And perhaps be a little proactive? It is your marriage, not mine, after all. It is in your interest to be proactive and to get the OM's aunts name and expose to his family without being prodded to death.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Contrary to what you think I'm doing the best I can. If everyone had email or FB this would be very easy. But I'm having to basically do private investigation work to find half these people and then they dont even want to help.

With all due respect, it's very easy for you to be on that end and tell me that I'm not trying.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
With all due respect, it's very easy for you to be on that end and tell me that I'm not trying.

With all due respect, I have done this myself. And helped many, many others do it. I am not telling you to do anything I haven't done myself. I don't think I have ever seen a less productive "exposure." Usually when one is proactive, they have made progress and are actually pursuing opportunities instead of looking for reasons to NOT expose. If you want this to be of any effect, you are going to have to get proactive and creative. And actually do something.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Quote
Affair was acknowledged and is being dealt with. The affair is over.
rotflmao
Uh-huh. That's what all the waywards say.

I'm just getting caught up on your thread. I suspect ML has the time to school you in how far off you are are this one. Keep your mouth shut and listen carefully to her and the rest of the members here. If you want to save your M, of course. smile

Last edited by maritalbliss; 03/28/12 07:56 PM.

D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
For what it's worth, I think I have finally succeeded in getting some support from the exposure. I called the OM and he pretty much ran for cover. He has removed her from his FB account and they have had no more contact in about 2 weeks.

WW was pretty mad last night and blamed me (again) for everything. She basically told me that everything I am doing has pushed her further away. I couldn't take being made out to be the bad guy in this again so I left for a while. I slept in the basement room last night.

This morning she left for her sisters house for an extended separation. Nothing I can do about it. i'm pretty much ready to give up because everything I have done has apparently been the wrong thing in her eyes and has apparently pushed her further away.

I don't really expect anyone to reply to me since I have not "followed the rules to a T". I just thought I would take a chance here and see if the general thought was that my marriage is over because I feel as though it is at this point.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 03/31/12 08:41 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
So whom else have you exposed to?

These would be a great reads for you.
DoormatNoMore's Thread
DoorMatNoMore's Thread 1yr out


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
As many FB contacts as possible and as many of her friends and family as possible.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
As many FB contacts as possible and as many of her friends and family as possible.

Ok so you let exposure do it's work.
Who of his family did you expose? In the book SAA have you read the case of John and Sue?

Are you doing both carrot and stick of plan A?
Have you read this? Pep's wayword fog decoded


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I did let exposure do it's work as best it could. I honestly think calling the OM made a HUGE difference. She was very upset when she got the FB alert that he had "de-friended" her.

I exposed to all I could get in contact with. His step-mom and some cousins. His family is pretty much non-existent.

I haven't seen Plan A completely. I'll search the site for it and I'll read the post you gave.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
Instead of leaving when she babbles her foggy talk are you using the tips that Pepperband talks about in here? Pep's Carrot and Stick

Say things like... "I'm sorry you feel that way you want a cookie"
"I'm not the bad guy in this M, I'm fighting for my M and I will not have more than 2 in this M and that's you and me".

I understand if you have to leave to avoid AO but do not leave your home.
Men Do not leave your home by Melodylane


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
...see if the general thought was that my marriage is over...

It matters not at all what we think. You marriage will be over when one of three things happens:

1) One of you dies.
2) The judge's gavel comes down on the final divorce settlement.
3) YOU decide to end your efforts at recovery.

[Linked Image from climbaz.com]

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
My gosh that Carrot and Stick post is dead on with just about everything she has said to me. That is uncanny.

My fear is that she is already "so gone" in her mind that she will not return.

I'll start implementing these things immediately!

Last edited by looking_for_help; 03/31/12 11:50 AM.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
My gosh that Carrot and Stick post is dead on with just about everything she has said to me. That is uncanny.

My fear is that she is already "so gone" in her mind that she will not return.

I'll start implementing these things immediately!

Like NG says she's not gone until....
So don't worry about that.

Have you read SAA, John and Sue? Sue was the Wayward wife and left to be with her OM and came back to John and they are doing wonderful today. Read it.

All waywards speak from the same script.
Remember allnwaywards


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
So her leaving should not "worry" me too much right now? Because I kinda feel like it's the end.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So her leaving should not "worry" me too much right now? Because I kinda feel like it's the end.

You're fighting for your M and so it's not over until you sign the D papers.

You need to throw all your energy into killing the affair and exposing it loud and proud. Stop all LB's, start filling her lovebank with deposits filling her EN. Do not be a doormat, but if you want to throw in the towel because you " think" shes done then that's on you, if it was my M I'd go kicking and fighting for mine by following the MB plans.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
Can you talk to her sister about her going and staying with her?

Is your SIL going to support your M?

Are you sure she isn't going to meet with OM? Did you put a GPS on her car?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Talk to her sister about her not allowing her to stay with her?

Yes, SIL is supportive. She actually called OM before I did...although I didn't know that until after I called him.

I'm 100% sure she is not going to meet or talk with him. SIL also said she was going to help watch out for that too.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Also, her top 3 ENs are conversation, O&H, and affection. She tells me that she just basically wants me to leave her be for now. So I guess I just do the best I can when the opportunity presents to fill an EN huh?

But I can start on the Carrot portion ASAP!

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,348
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Also, her top 3 ENs are conversation, O&H, and affection. She tells me that she just basically wants me to leave her be for now. So I guess I just do the best I can when the opportunity presents to fill an EN huh?

But I can start on the Carrot portion ASAP!
Good so SIL is in your corner. Good job.
Has she said anything to your WW to put pressure on her?

Yes get working on the carrot of. Plan A but remember to keep giving the stick also.

Also have you read these? Read all 5 letters by Dr. H.
Unfaithful Wife #1


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 13 of 59 1 2 11 12 13 14 15 58 59

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 16 guests, and 82 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans, B24gordon
71,735 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,549
Posts2,322,799
Members71,735
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5