I am an ENFP, and my wife is an ISFJ. Right around the time we got married, my wife started using birth control pills and she gained a lot of weight over a short period of time, and then stopped taking the birth control. The damage had been done apparently, and for the next 8 years she could not have sex without horrible pain, and she never had any desire for intimacy in any way, either verbally or physically. Me, being the idealistic optimist I am, woke up every day expecting that day to be the day she could freely love me. I showered compliments on her, showed constant affection, both verbally and physically, and constantly encouraged her. When the frustration would reach a maximum for me, I would try to articulate what I needed. Primarily daily affirmation through words and affection and sexual desire. I pleaded with her to try and find out what was wrong, as I believed it was mental, but because of her introverted pessimistic nature, she would not open up to anyone about her problems, not even her doctor. At year 5 we went through the '5 love languages' course at church and discovered our love languages. Hers were 'acts of service' and mine was 'words of affirmation' with 'physical touch' coming in second. I was so excited to find this out and I was enthusiastic about our future. I really ramped up my help around the house and constantly looked for 'acts of service' I could perform to deposit into her love bank. None of this was reciprocated, however, and so the frustration continued. Around year 8 she began to lose weight and started thinking better of herself and the sex problems began to subside. Although it was far from what I desired, and there was still times of pain, it was getting better and that was extremely en-heartening and so my hope grew. In the summer of year 13, after all those years of most of my emotional needs going unmet, I was approached by a younger single woman who began immediately showering me with words of affirmation. In the beginning it was primarily surrounding my work, but it soon began to be more personal. She talked about how she had always hoped for a man like me, she communicated her envy for my wife, etc. It was as though I had never breathed before. I found I had no willpower in the matter, and over the next couple weeks I spoke to her every chance I got, and came to believe this was perhaps the way it was supposed to be. I became very confused and shameful because I was talking to another woman, and although the conversations never went beyond PG-13, I carried a tremendous amount of guilt. The first time I felt like I was being hit on by this woman, I went home and told my wife, hoping she might recognize I was desireable and maybe feel a little jealousy, and then reach out to me reminding me how much she was all the woman I ever needed. But unfortunately she only accused me of being flirty and probably sending signals to her which caused her to hit on me, and I was devastated. Within two weeks my wife saw a very non-romantic text to her and thought I was having an affair. Other than an occasional hug, the relationship was never physical, so thankfully that had not happened. By the end of the night my wife accepted full responsibility for the relationship, and express her sorrow for not meeting my needs all these years.

I was very angry and bitter over all the years my wife had failed to meet my needs, but I was optimistic that now she understood what I needed, she COULD meet them now. Immediately she could not get enough of me. Touching me, talking to me, wanting to have sex constantly. I struggled with the feeling that she only was doing this because her own security was threatened, and not because she loved me and wanted me whole. I felt like her motives were all wrong and I was angry for it having to come to this in order for her to respond.

Within a month I had completely bought into her desire for me and over the next 6 months things could not had been better. Although she still was not very good at words of affirmation, the sex and affection was enough to over shadow that. As the intensity began to wain I found myself sort-of empty again and wondering what was going on. The sex and affection was still good and frequent, however less intense, but the words just were not coming. Remember, my primary love language is words of affirmation. So once again I expressed my desires to her, and it was a disaster. Over the next month it was tense and lots of emotion.

We went to counseling and our conselor took me aside and explained to me that because of my wife's personality type, she is never going to be able to openly express with words the kind of affirmation and affection I desire. She indicated that it was a 'pandora's box' to try and MAKE her do it, and it could actually make things worse. She actually recommended NOT continuing counseling because of the kinds of self-actualization my wife would have to do would be so painful the marriage might not survive.

My wife does not today, and has never had anyone in her life in whom she shares her deepest thoughts or feelings, including me, and she never has. I have lots of people with whom I share everything, but she is not one of them because it is not a safe place for them.

What do I do???

Hi Steve, welcome to Marriage Builders. Yours is a really interesting read because it is amazing to see how these various resources, Love Languages, Personality typing, marriage counseling, your semi-affair completely missed the mark and tapdanced around the one thing that could create desire in your wife: romantic love. None of those things will create the one thing that is necessary to have a happy, fulfilling romantic marriage.

For example:
People do not fall in love over "acts of service." They call in love when their INTIMATE EMOTIONAL NEEDS are met. My cleaning lady cleans the house for me and I am not in love with her even though domestic support is one of my needs. Anyone can do this for your wife and I assure you it will not cause her to fall in love with you. That is because it is not an intimate emotional need.

People fall in love when their intimate emotional needs are met: conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. It takes 15 hours per week of undivided attention per week meeting those needs to maintain romantic love and 20+ hours to create romantic love.

Here is a universal truth about women. They need 2 things to desire sex with a man: an emotional attachment to the man ["in love"] and the prospect of enjoyment. If either of those elements are not in place, they will want to have sex.

Secondly, while sexual fulfillment is likely not a top need for your wife, people in love have no problem meeting such a top need in their partners. So, if your wife was in love with you and you made sex enjoyable for her, she would likely desire sex with you.

How many hours ALONE together did you spend with your wife last meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs I described above?

Also, you are 1000% responsible for your inappropriate relationship with this woman. You can blame your wife for her part in your bad marriage, but you can NEVER blame her for your poor, inappropriate behavior wiht this other woman. You have poor boundaries with women outside of your marriage and that is a HUGE problem that is likely to lead to an affair unless you develop appropriate boundaries. You should NEVER allow anyone outside of marriage to meet your intimate emotional needs. That should come from your wife.

And I suspect this is part of the problem. You have allowed so many people to meet your various needs, that nothing she does has any meaning because she is continually competing with others. When one intimate emotional need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow!

It is your job as a married man to protect your boundaries.

If you want your wife to be in love with you, then you need to STOP blaming her for this inappropriate relationship. Doing that is a lovebuster that can only serve to erode the love she does have.

And here is an article by Dr Harley that explains how to resolve your marriage problems: The question of the ages: How can a husband receive the sex he needs in marriage?

That is a terrible way to get your wife to meet your needs. And as you have found, it is not sustainable. She only met your needs under duress, not because she had romantic feelings for you.

Quality time is of utmost value to me, over the first 13 years, all I wanted to do was spend time with her. In every other area of our relationship we have been best friends. We love the same music, movies, food, etc. We love to do the same things and we have the same views of childrearing, spirituality, etc. It is only in this area of intimacy where my wife seems to have blockages.

Romance her you say? Poems, flowers, affection, back rubs, holding hands, hugging, kissing, lots of sexual AND non-sexual touching. Compliments, affirmation, her being my number one priority in every area of my life. I literally woke up every day with nothing on my mind other than romancing her into desiring me...And yet nothing worked. I am athletic, well-built, and often physically complemented man. I am successful at work, and provide very well for us. I am a focused father who loves to have fun with the kids, but I also help them with homework, etc. and love to read to them. My wife shares all of these values and she has never had a complaint about me in any of these areas.

In regards to the other relationship, I never blamed her for it, I just said she took responsibility for it. I was quick to accept responsibility for my own actions, but she expressed her own recognition that the emotional needs being unmet are what led to the relationship in the first place.

Boundaries you say? I had NEVER had inappropriate interaction with a woman before. It was only after years and years of constant rejection and frustration was I at such a weakened state.

You make a blanket statement about women concerning romance, but you much more describe me than my wife...

Then what would you suggest?

I didn't say romance her. I said she needs to be IN LOVE with you. And apparently you are doing the wrong things and/or not in the right quantity because the proof is in the pudding. I said spend 20+ hours of UA time with her. THAT will cause her to have romantic feelings. \

You have been trying the WRONG things. And I can see why those things have not worked.


Making her take responsibility for it is to blame her. And is a HUGE LOVEBUSTER. She is not responsible for your poor boundaries, you are. What led to the affair was your own poor boundaries. It would have never happened if you have appropriate boundaries around women. Sure, you were vulnerable. But vulnerabilility warrants tighter boundaries, not looser boundaries.


But you had inappropriate boundaries with this interaction with woman. Doesnt matter if you had them before.


Thats ok, I was talking about your wife. That is the issue here.

To work the MB program and make a fantastic marriage.

Listen, read and educate yourself. Ask questions and implement the program.

Create a romantic marriage so she falls in love with you. Start scheduling 20+ hours of undivided attention time per week, without children, without friends, meeting the 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. Set up 4 - 4 hour dates per week. Actually sit down every Sunday night and schedule out your time for the next week, writing out times, dates and planned activities. Dress up and take her out on the town.

During this time, she needs to agree to meet your needs for sexual fulfillment too, but it needs to be done in a way that she ENJOYS. Be very sure that she enjoys the sexual relations and avoid anything that is unpleasant for her.

Implement Dr Harley's other basic concepts such as the policy of joint agreement, etc and you will see big changes. You will find yourself in a fulfilling, romantic marriage. Check this out, because it is very true:

And see, none of this would have any effect if she were not in love. In fact, it probably repelled her! In order to be in love you have to spend 20+ hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs.

As long as this is all you have on your mind, it's no wonder you aren't getting any.

You're serving her up a great big plate of PRESSURE 24/7.

Mel's absolutely right. Start spending LOTS of one on one time w/ her.

You are trying to take short cuts to SF. And as you can see, that's not working for you.

Instead of blaming your wife for not meeting your needs...or suggesting that there is something wrong w/ her, why not admit that neither one of you have been meeting the other's needs?

Stop the blaming altogether. And put all your energy into working Marriage Builder's plan.


It's not "clear communication" that will get your EN's met. It's spending lots of alone time having fun together that will.

I was probably unclear earlier. Spending lots of time together laughing, joking, and having all manner of fun together has never been a problem. If we started spending 20 hours a week together we would have to spend LESS time than we do now. We are probably together about 30 hours a week now.

I never put pressure on her to desire me, I simply met all of her emotional needs everyday. She agrees to this and says she has never known or been aware of any needs unmet by me.

I think this will just turn into a big debate about who does what, and I don't want to that. I just hoped that you guys might offer some insight into my wife's lack of being able to communicate emotions and feelings. It's not because of me. She communicates 10 times better today than she did 14 years ago, and she credits my loving her unconditionally and always meeting er every need that has drawn her out of her shell.

In regards to the other relationship thing, I'm going to say it one more time. I never blamed her, nor have I required her to take any responsibility for it whatsoever. What I am saying is that she took responsibility nonetheless. Even this website talks about affairs only happen when emotional needs go unmet, so she is not wrong to consider herself at least some part of the problem.

Anyway, thanks for everyone's time, I will take it from here...

So you are out on DATES alone for 30 hours a week? Where do you go? And I take it you hire babysitters? I sort of doubt that. What activities EXACTLY are you counting as undivided attention time? I don't think you understand what we mean when we refer to undivided attention time.

And if you actually ARE getting in that much time, which I highly doubt, then what you are doing are NOT the right things because they are missing the mark. You are doing things *YOU* believe will cause her to fall in love and not things that will actually achieve that.


No, it does not say that affairs happen ONLY when needs go unmet. We have cases here where needs WERE met to perfection and because the wayward spouse had sloppy boundaries, they had an affair. My husbands needs were met 100% and he had an affair. You have sloppy boundaries around women and if that is not addressed, you will have an affair. You have to accept responsibility for that.

We have told you the problem. People who are in love have no problem "communicating." We are trying to help you focus on the right thing. Do you want what we have or not? You are NOT meeting her needs in an effective manner that will result in her falling in love. That is because you are flying BLIND and guessing at what to do. ]

Do you want to listen to people who ARE in love?

Will you follow some assignments if we give them to you?

Your wife also thought that SHE was responsible for your "other relationship thing". AND she thought that if you helped her w/ more housework she would fall in love w/ you and want to give you SF.

SO...*if* she believes you "met ALL of her EN EVERYDAY", there's a good chance she is wrong about this too.

Steve, many women don't know WHY they don't want to have SF w/ their H. Very often they blame it on being tired, and then they ask their Hs to "help more around the house" hoping that then they'll be less tired and more willing to add one more "chore" to their list of duties.

When a woman feels LOVED, she will never look at SF as just another chore to cross off her list.


But, you could have corrected her, Steve. YOU could have said, "No, dear, YOU are not responsible for MY getting close to another woman, I AM."

She is 50% responsible for the condition of your marriage, but YOU are 100% for the "other relationship thing."


WE did. YOU just choose not to hear us.

AS long as she is willing to take 100% of the responsibility for the condition of your marriage, you are going to let her.

If I had to carry 100% of the responsibly of my marriage, I'd contract/w/draw from my H too.

EXACTLY!

And, Steve, it is most likely that your wife doesn't even know what she wants or needs from you to make her fall back in love w/ you.

Most people don't know there is a formula to fall in love.

And, Steve, when I asked my husband what EN's of his I wasn't meeting...or could meet better, he told me I was meeting his needs perfectly.

I KNEW that wasn't true. It was his way of not engaging w/ me. He didn't know where this might lead or what he might have to do.

Also, when I read what disrespectful judgments were I learned how much I'd been destroying his love for me.

Do you know what disrespectful judgments are?

Here's why I don't believe that you never blamed her...

Earlier you said:
When you tried to manipulate your wife into having more SF w/ you by telling her that another woman hit on you, you were "devastated" when she called you out for your part in it.

THen you said:
So you gave yourself permission to continue your "relationship" w/ this woman another 2 weeks b/c your wife's reaction to the news was "devastating" to you.

After she found out you were texting the very woman, who hit on you, she asked you if you were having an affair. Which you absolutely were. And some how... "By the end of the night my wife accepted full responsibility for the relationship, and express her sorrow for not meeting my needs all these years."?

Somehow, you had blame shifted your affair onto your wife.

Are you still in contact w/ the other woman?

Does she work w/ you?