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SIL and BIL have both put pressure on her about the affair. She and the OM both know how VERY difficult it would be for them to be together. She also knows that she will be choosing between her kids and him ALL the time because I have told both of them I will have a court order to keep my kids away from him.

The one big thing I think is gonna keep her from going to him is the fact about the kids. She couldn't even be away from the for 2 days before coming back home a week ago.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
SIL and BIL have both put pressure on her about the affair. She and the OM both know how VERY difficult it would be for them to be together. She also knows that she will be choosing between her kids and him ALL the time because I have told both of them I will have a court order to keep my kids away from him.

The one big thing I think is gonna keep her from going to him is the fact about the kids. She couldn't even be away from the for 2 days before coming back home a week ago.

Then keep remembering that, when you think she may be done.

Have you thought having her do a post nuptial that would give you full custody if she was to have another affair or resume this one?

Good job and what did the POSOM say to you and SIL?
What is your plan on meeting her EN?
Did you read those Q&A that I posted to you?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Be right back to post. Have to feed 4month old.

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I am working on a plan to meet her ENs. It's gonna be hard with her not around. I can do the conversation one pretty easy because I can do that every time we talk.

The O&H I can also do, but the affection one is gonna be hard. I started trying to meet this one already and she shut me down. She said it made her feel awkward. See I have been guilty of emotional neglect for quite a while. This is actually the thing that worries me that might be the factor that keeps her from coming back.

She tells me that she has been neglected emotionally for so long that she feels like she may have already "moved on" in her mind and heart. That's what worries me more than the affair.

Does that make any sense?

Just a side note...she has already seen and heard how adamant and determined I am to make the changes that she needs. Those changes will actually make me a happier and better person in the process.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 03/31/12 02:57 PM.
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Quote
She was very upset when she got the FB alert that he had "de-friended" her.
Huh? FB doesn't send alerts when it unfriends someone. Are you watching her Facebook account? This is very suspicious. redflag


D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

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I was watching it and he was removed from her list. I made sure he was.

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LFH,

Actually affection is an easy one. Have you read this? Emotional Need Affection

She is seeing if your "changes" are for real and going to stay.

Did you read the articles I posted about unfaithful wives? All 5 of them?

You're continuing to make sure the affair is dead?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I have read the articles and reread them to be sure I didnt miss anything.

I'll read the one one posted here as well.

One of the things that we have always had issues with is my going to church with her. Not that I dont believe or anything. I have just never been a huge fan of people who do church on Sunday and then sinning on Monday. I am a firm believer in religion, spirituality and God. So when she comes to pick up the kids this morning for church and if she asks what I'm doing today I may tell her that I'm going to church by myself. It's something I've been thinking about for a little while and I know it's something she has always wanted.

That has been my fear with all the changes that I vow to make to make me a better person and more "desirable" to her. I have been afraid that she will not believe that the changes are genuine.

I'll read the EN post you just gave me.

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So even though she's telling me that she just wants me to leave her alone so I don't push her further away I should still try to do the "little" things every opportunity I get to show my affection for her?

Leaving "have a good day" notes, "thinking of you" notes, etc? She doesn't really want me touching her because she says it makes her feel awkward.

This part really confuses me as to what I should do. I know what I WANT to do, but I don't want to push her further away either.

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Smothering and making LB deposits are not the same.

There are many ways to make LB's. Help around the house, help with kids, doing things for her. Many needs can be met without touching. And there are many levels of touching. Make sure it's simple touching for now.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I have read the articles and reread them to be sure I didnt miss anything.

I'll read the one one posted here as well.

One of the things that we have always had issues with is my going to church with her. Not that I dont believe or anything. I have just never been a huge fan of people who do church on Sunday and then sinning on Monday. I am a firm believer in religion, spirituality and God. So when she comes to pick up the kids this morning for church and if she asks what I'm doing today I may tell her that I'm going to church by myself. It's something I've been thinking about for a little while and I know it's something she has always wanted.

That has been my fear with all the changes that I vow to make to make me a better person and more "desirable" to her. I have been afraid that she will not believe that the changes are genuine.

I'll read the EN post you just gave me.

I agree with the Road on not smothering her.

Also about the Church issue, this is something that would need to be resolved if you save your marriage you would need to POJA it. Dr. Harley talks about it here in this article Conflicts of Faith part 2

When she picks up the kids today, will she be taking them to Church with her? If she is and you want to go, why not go with her and the kids?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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The main reason why I didn't want to ask her if I could go with her is because I think it would be too much "invasion" in her eyes right now.

Going to church is something that I've been thinking about anyway and I was hoping that by her seeing that I am willing to go by myself it would resonate with her a little.

I wasn't overly "pushy" while I was here this morning. I was cheerful, cordial, nice to what she wanted to talk about. I did lightly touch her arm and tell her that I still love her but then I moved on. I didn't linger or do anything else.

As she was leaving, I told her that I hoped she had a good day. She reciprocated and told me that she hoped I had a good night and that she would see me in the morning when she dropped the kids off.

What I did find interesting was that she must have seen my shirt on the ironing board. She said to me " I guess it's not appropriate for me to ask what you have planned for today is it?" I didn't acknowledge the point of whether it was appropriate or not but just told her that I had been thinking about going to a local church and was going to do that and then go to my parents' house. Later I would go to the grocery store and then I was going to do a mass cleaning of the house.

I was trying to keep it light but let her know some of the things I was planning to do which might hopefully deposit in her LB.

Don't know how I did but hopefully it made some kind of impact.

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I'm keeping on keeping on with my strategy of depositing into her LB every chance I get, but it's hard not to get discouraged.

She was talking tonight when she picked up the kids about trading her SUV for a vehicle cheaper on gas. That's not what worried me. What did worry me was the fact that she was talking about space not being the issue right now, but money was.

I know that sounds pretty meaningless to everyone, but my fear is still that she is setting everything up to get herself in a better position before she files for divorce.

Am I just continuing to be paranoid?

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No, all WW considering divorce are like that at some point.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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I know I'm early into the stage that we're in, but how long does this last on average before the WW might decide to come back and work on things?

Or before I might see SOME improvement/progress?

Last edited by looking_for_help; 04/02/12 06:49 PM.
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I've just about finished reading Fall In Love Stay In Love and I was wondering if anyone thought it would be a good idea to ask WW if she would be willing to read it?

Let me know what you think either way because after reading this book, I have realized that MANY areas apply to our situation. I thought she might get a different outlook on some things if she were to read it as well, but I didn't want her to think I was being pushy.

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If she's not yet expressing interest in working on things, I don't think it would be very helpful, because the battle for your wife's heart is not usually fought on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level. In other words, what she's lacking is mostly not the information about how to fix the marriage; what she's lacking is the emotional belief that fixing the marriage is possible.

You provide that in Plan A as you demonstrate willingness to protect her and meet her emotional needs. Eventually her emotions catch up, and then her intellect catches up and believes that recovering the marriage is a possibility.

Don't try to force that. Husbands are usually on the wrong track when they are trying to educate their wives.

In Plan A, you just let her know that you want her to join you in a program of marital recovery. No more details than that until she ends the affair and expresses willingness to work on your marriage.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Looking through the last few dozen posts, I get the sense that something is missing in your "stick" of Plan A. I'm not sure what it is, but something is missing. Is her affair out in the open? Everybody is talking about it freely and knows everybody else knows? They know from YOU telling them, not from her telling them?

If this is a work affair, has it been exposed at work?


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by BrainHurts
You need to throw all your energy into killing the affair and exposing it loud and proud.

Bingo. Don't stop this.

Quote
Stop all LB's, start filling her lovebank with deposits filling her EN.

Do this, but recognize that in an active affair, her Love Bank is not really open to deposits. Meeting emotional needs alone won't end her affair, so you need to cause trouble in the affair!


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 17 years, who is a beautiful angel.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos,

I'm convinced at this point that the affair is over. Especially the physical part. Now I'm sure the emotional part is still lingering and I can't force that part away.

I am meeting what ENs that I can with her not living here. We are not arguing and fighting anymore mostly because I refuse to. We have been very cordial when talking lately. She's telling me that she needs to sort out her feelings toward me right now to see if there are enough feelings left after being emotionally neglected for so long.

I do believe that the affair has ended though.

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