BRICKS don't see this like it is. He keeps saying that he was not the one who had an affair.


I don't know what to think at this time. It's hard to assume everything. I don't have any feelings that he is having an affair but I don't know.


I told him to come back here so he can explain himself but he refused. He was very glad that I came here to ask for help, though.

So, he's very glad that you came here to ask for help, but refuses to do so himself?

He's refuses because he knows what he is doing is wrong and doesn't want to face the truth by coming here asking everyone's opinions when he already knows what he's going to get in reply.

Bricks, you need to jump back on your thread and let some good folks pound some sense into you, buddy. You are walking a dangerous path here.

BRICKS is a professor, so once in a while he has to hire a grad student to help him with a project and he pays that student for the work that they will be doing. He's like a Boss in a way. When he hires someone, he kind of mentor them about what to do in a project so a student has to report to him, be it in email or in person. This student in particular was gone for a few weeks and when she came back, she wrote in the email saying "Did you miss me?" It bothered me so much that I had to ask him if there was something going on that I should know about. He said No. But I insisted to let go of that student because BRICKS is in a position where a student can make up some story that is not true and it will ruin his reputation. I asked him to email that student and let her know that he is married and saying those things is very inappropriate. That student stopped communicating after that email. This happened about 8-10 years ago.

I just finished talking to BRICKS and asked him, "What if SH says that you are NOT to hire a female student, what will you do?" He said, I would never fire that student because it's unethical and it is not the right thing to do. So, I told him that if you were to choose between our marriage and this person, you just chose her, your job and your ethics. Then I told him that there's really no reason why we are working with SH in the first place and why you asked me to stay in the house after I had an affair. Then he got mad, really mad that he started yelling why he has to suffer when I was the one who had an affair in the first place.

I don't know what to do. Am I being unfair? He wants to continue working with this student under my conditions without problems, though. He don't see any reason why he can't hire a female student.

I wanted him to come back here so that he can at least explain his side of the story. I don't know what to think now. I feel like he gives more priority to this student than to me and our marriage. I guess this is karma and if it is, I deserved it and will face the consequence.

What does that have to do with his boundaries? Have you asked him to come back here to talk with us?

I think he understands now. We talked with SH this morning. I asked him to come back and talk to all of you but I don't know if he's going to do that.

Has he explained why he doens't want to talk to us?

This is what BRICKS said:

"I am not saying that they didn't have valuable information but because I am getting advice from SH, I am not open to other suggestions on what to �do and I just feel bad and remember the situation. It brings me back to the beginning again and brings back bad memories."

Regarding hiring students, it may be illegal for him to discriminate based on sex.

May I gently suggest to Bricks that he needs to allow the poison to be released? He sounds likes he would prefer to bury the pain. That doesn't work.

I'm not sure I understand: the two of you are counselling with Steve, and that doesn't 'bring back bad memories'?

I agree but where do you draw the line? Spending time with the opposite sex will eventually lead to fulfillment of some of the emotional needs and thus dropping our guard down with poor boundaries.

If that is important to you to feel safe, then he needs to find a job where he does not work closely with people, or that is entirely dominated by men. In academia, depending on the field, that may not be possible as collaborations, projects, and graduate supervision cannot be deliberately structured to exclude women (or men).

He asked me many times if I wanted him to come back here and start posting, I told him that I am okay with it as long as he wants to but don't spend too much time on it. I said it is nice to open up to people about what you feel so you don't feel like you are alone in this. It will be helpful for him to talk to all of you but I can't force him if he doesn't really want to.

Counseling with SH does bring back bad memories but it also help us deal with it and focus more of what is to be done to have a better marriage. I am not saying that all of you are not helping us achieve this, it's just that we follow his plans because it is geared to us alone. Same principle apply to everyone but some things might not be suitable to others.

I am not saying that he cannot work side by side with women ever again due to the fact that it's not even possible. He hired this student without letting me know and kept it from me because he knows I won't be happy with it. Having a graduate student will involve mentoring, a lot of meetings about the project in and out of the office, teaching about how the project will be accomplished and will take some time to finish. For instance, this is a 2 year project. The student doesn't even have an experience working on this particular one but because she is a good student and recommended by many, she was picked because she happens to be there at the right time. There are male students that he can hire but chose her instead. I also found out that when the project was offered to her, she is not even enrolled as a grad student then. So, I don't know how to make out of it. SH asked him, a different job but married or tenured but divorced? I can probably be okay with him working with this female student with some conditions such as installing key logger on his work computer and no driving alone to meetings with this student but because the project doesn't end till October 2013, I told him that I am not sure I can be okay with this for that long. So, he decided on giving up this student to the other professor but will continue to pay her until the project is finished and he's hiring a male student to finish this project.

I am happy with his decision but kind of sad that I had the nerve to ask him to make his job a little harder when in fact I was the one who had an affair.

The university probably wont allow a keylogger on his computer. Their security would probably detect it.

But it sounds like you two were able to resolve it.

Sex discrimination is illegal in the workplace. I own a small business and if a man or woman interviews for a position I cant tell them: I only hire male (or females)....

With both sexes working, I dont know how he will ever be able to satisfy your requirement of only same sex employees. Eventually, the University will ask him why he wont hire females....then he can kiss his tenure GOODBYE when they hear his answer (because his wife wont let him?)

Thanks, HDW!

Sorry for the late reply. The key logger is still ongoing and I didn't find anything unusual as I thought. Yes, it was resolved. The student now is transferred to another professor and BRICKS hired a male student to continue the project. You are right about sex discrimination being illegal in the workplace. We will talk and decide appropriately when this arises again. Maybe it won't bother me so much if he didn't hide it from me.

I have some questions for the Vets or anyone who is in counseling or had counseling with SH. How many months did you all avail his services and what did you do when you are not in counseling anymore? Did you order a home course material so you can still continue or you just did it on your own using his teachings? We ended with our session last week after our 3 - "5 sessions package." We like SH a lot and will miss talking to him every week but it is too expensive but so worth every penny. Thank you in advance.

We still continue to plan our weekly UA ( 16-18 hours ) and tried so hard to meet our goal of more than 15 hours. We still do our plan of work ( our ENs ) with check marks if fulfilled and we make it a point to always include each other to whatever decision we may have.