Good evening, everyone!
So, here I am, that "deceptivegirl who had an EA almost physical" post. I apologize that I had to change my username as well as the lie that I posted here. It was not appropriate and I forgot my password. It was our son's birthday last night and the first day I came back to work. It was the hardest and scariest day of my entire life..okay so maybe I am over reacting. I say it was the hardest because I was still lying and the scariest because I was afraid that he's going to receive another picture of me naked. My husband has been the nicest person still up to this day since I've known him. There are some reasons that I lied about the physical contact:
1. My husband told me that if I ever had any physical contact with the OM ever, he will divorce me.
2. I love my kids so much that I was really afraid that my husband will take them away from me. I know all of you will say, I should have not gone out and sleep with another woman's husband if I never wanted this to happen in the first place.
3. I cannot anymore continue to hug him back when he hugs me let alone look at him in the eye.
4. The thought of the polygraph scares me. So, when we were talking about this last night. He asked me if there's anything else he needs to know. I just looked at him. I didn't want to say anything because I don't want to lie anymore. But then I said to myself, he needs to know. So, I answered..there are more pictures. And then he asked me if I met up with him, my stomach was turning upside down and I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I told him YES.
I have never seen my husband break down ever. I felt so bad - really really bad. I begged and hugged him to not leave me and not divorce me. I was so scared that the kids will hear their Dad. Plus my son invited 4 for his friends for a sleepover. I hugged and guided my husband upstairs to our bedroom so they can't hear us. I apologized many times although I know at that point, it was useless. I know it's not about me anymore but I was thinking it didn't make any sense to lie or tell the truth. He's leaving me anyway. So, we talked about what's going to happen and that we will have big changes. He wants to stay in the house with the kids. I didn't agree on that last night because I don't want him to leave me.
So, we went to bed with our 5 year old daughter in the middle of the bed. I called in that evening because I felt so scared. I didn't feel safe at all let alone drive the car and create more problem. But a feeling of PEACE was in me that night. It felt good to let out something I have kept for so long. I have always been a vocal person. Those who know me very well that if I was hiding something - good or bad, they will know just by my actions.
I slept for 3 hours and started packing. I told myself to get out of the house. I cannot afford to create more damage and hurt and embarrassment to my husband who supported me from the very start. I packed a few things. I told my husband that it's just right that he keeps the house and the kids will stay with him but all I ask that he don't keep the kids away from me and I need to borrow some cash. My husband get paid very well and I get paid okay but enough. I still want to see them often and will probably be a better mother to them. I am currently in grad school and was thinking of quitting but I missed the deadline for 100% refund to drop the class. That was a lot of money, I thought. But I will do my very best to finish this semester.
So after the kids got picked up by their respective parents, my husband and I started the planning of the divorce. He had a list of what needs to be done. First was to call the OMW. I don't want to do this because I was so afraid of losing my job. But later I signed up back to FB and have my husband emailed her to call him. FB was deactivated again after. She did call back in less than 10 mins. They talked. She called my phone many times and texted me but I ignored. I know what she will say to me so I ignored.
Afternoon came, my daughter has ballet class so we all went to take her. My husband told me to call back the OMW. I said maybe. But did anyway using my husband's phone. At this point, I had my number changed already since she called me in the morning.
So, I called her. I just want to end this NOW with no more lies so I called her with my husband in the room and we did not talk in Filipino. So there. DONE. I told her it was all ME that insinuated the affair. OM still denies this and it's not surprising to me. She believes him.
Then early this evening, my husband asked me if there was any other OM. I said NO. And I am saying this again, NO NO NO NO NO NO NO. But I still could be lying, right? So, he added that he still want me to do the polygraph. I don't like to do this but I will do whatever my husband wants me to do. I contacted a website to email me how to schedule one. I created this problem so I am taking responsibility. Our marriage is done. The girl he married is DEAD and he does not know who I am. So there is my very long post. Sorry for the lies.
I appreciate your apology vdg, but I appreciate your willingness to act your apologies towards your husband more. Good work on calling OMW and the poly.
We are praying for your marriage on this board, but our prayers are useless without your actions.
Are you willing to do whatever it takes?
I can tell from your h's posts that he will not put up with any more pain or deception for you. Are you ready for a complete turn around? To prove yourself?
He may not give you the chance, but you owe him the effort anyway.
Thank you and Thank you for not being so mean. I heard so much already today and I feel like I should not be here anymore. But, I am a strong person. If I can make it today, then I will make it tomorrow.
I am willing to do whatever it takes but it is still my husband's decision and whatever it is, I have no choice but to respect that.
No, he won't put up with anymore deception and he shouldn't. As soon as I hear from ***EDIT***, I will schedule as soon as possible.
I think it's too early for your H to make that decision. You can't control what he decides to do, but so far you are on the right path. Everything is very fresh for both of you. Do the right things and learn from your mistakes. You never know what can happen. Maybe you will become a better person and maybe he will see it and you both can work on recovery through MB.
Thank you and Thank you for not being so mean. I heard so much already today and I feel like I should not be here anymore. But, I am a strong person. If I can make it today, then I will make it tomorrow.
My reaction is based on your actions. If your behaviour remains mean, then so will the forum
But there are many former waywards on here who are considered good posters and caring spouses today. That could be you.
it is still my husband's decision and whatever it is, I have no choice but to respect that.
I like this.
You might want to read Wulfpackgirls thread. I will see if I can find it and bump it to the top of this forum.
Her husband was ready to forgive her until he found out she was being deceptive and trickle truthing him.
She is considered a valuable poster on here today and her attitude changed entirely.
Remember you still have a lot to prove.
Develop a thick skin and stick around.
[/quote]
My reaction is based on your actions. If your behaviour remains mean, then so will the forum
But there are many former waywards on here who are considered good posters and caring spouses today. That could be you.
I like this.
You might want to read Wulfpackgirls thread. I will see if I can find it and bump it to the top of this forum.
Her husband was ready to forgive her until he found out she was being deceptive and trickle truthing him.
She is considered a valuable poster on here today and her attitude changed entirely.
Remember you still have a lot to prove.
Develop a thick skin and stick around.[/quote]
So much to prove, I know. I will read it. Thanks.
VDG, whichever way this marriages goes, you will need to fix YOURSELF.
You need to show through ACTIONS that you have changed.
I am glad that you talked to OMW, because frankly, I would have told you that you needed to hear about it.
Have you considered telling your children? Your parents? Brick's parents? Both of your families? Mutual friends? I would like you to do this WITH your BH.
YES take the polygraph. You need to PROVE that you aren't lying anymore. It is quite normal for a WS to trickle truth their BSs, that is a BAD BAD BAD idea, so if there is ANYTHING that your BH should know, tell him NOW. Even if that means he will divorce you. Living a marriage in a lie would be worse for him than a divorce would be for you.
Don't give up. Read up on Marriage Builders, and read all of Dr. Harley's books. Promise your husband you will adhere to this new lifestyle and show him through your actions.
And this is a marathon, not a race. Commit to a life change based on MB principles and give your husband all the time he needs. He may change his mind if he sees you've changed for him. If he takes you back and adopts the principal he'll change too. I'm praying that your marriage can recover and be better than ever.
if there is ANYTHING that your BH should know, tell him NOW.
Oh yes, that is very important.
Sit down and write down everything you can think off. Details. A complete timeline of the A.
Make sure you are not forgetting anything.
VDG, whichever way this marriages goes, you will need to fix YOURSELF.
You need to show through ACTIONS that you have changed.
I am glad that you talked to OMW, because frankly, I would have told you that you needed to hear about it.
Have you considered telling your children? Your parents? Brick's parents? Both of your families? Mutual friends? I would like you to do this WITH your BH.
I leave this with my husband. At this point in my life, I really don't want to talk to anyone but to my husband and my kids. I don't have a good relationship with my some of my family and my Mom.
YES take the polygraph. You need to PROVE that you aren't lying anymore. It is quite normal for a WS to trickle truth their BSs, that is a BAD BAD BAD idea, so if there is ANYTHING that your BH should know, tell him NOW. Even if that means he will divorce you. Living a marriage in a lie would be worse for him than a divorce would be for you.
As soon as they email me, I will have one done. Thank you, everyone!
Hope you see this...
I leave this with my husband. At this point in my life, I really don't want to talk to anyone but to my husband and my kids. I don't have a good relationship with my some of my family and my Mom.
Don't give up. Read up on Marriage Builders, and read all of Dr. Harley's books. Promise your husband you will adhere to this new lifestyle and show him through your actions.
And this is a marathon, not a race. Commit to a life change based on MB principles and give your husband all the time he needs. He may change his mind if he sees you've changed for him. If he takes you back and adopts the principal he'll change too. I'm praying that your marriage can recover and be better than ever.
Thank you. I have been reading some since I first posted here. I ordered the book, Surviving Infidelity already. It's really hard to promise my husband anything right now. I don't think it makes a difference if I do that now.
if there is ANYTHING that your BH should know, tell him NOW.
Oh yes, that is very important.
Sit down and write down everything you can think off. Details. A complete timeline of the A.
Make sure you are not forgetting anything.
I gave my husband the updated timeline this morning.
Time heals nothing but the truth will. You should answer any question that your husband ask truthfully no matter how bad it hurts or how it makes you look. If you want to save your marriage the time has come to stop playing games.
It's really hard to promise my husband anything right now. I don't think it makes a difference if I do that now.
Promise him choices. Options. Tell him you will be there for him, even if it is only for him to push you away.
He wouldnt be this cut up if he did not love you.
Be worthy of that love.
DG, you are currently your husband's worst enemy. You have done to him something that will be very, very difficult for him to recover from. He trusted you over everyone, and you betrayed that trust. He doesn't even know who you are right now. You have much work ahead of you. And you are going to hear some things from us that you might not like to hear. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will listen to what we say and will do what we advise.
Having said that: Your first paragraph is filled with self-serving justifications for why it wasn't 'convenient' for you to be straight up with us. We see that - we don't buy your excuses. We also
understand that - you are wayward. Our goal is to pull you out of that wayward state. Thank you for giving us your reasons for why you posted the way you did. When the two of you are recovered (you'll learn that I'm an optimist) you'll re-read this thread and be appalled at how wayward you were.
Okay, let's look at why you lied to your husband.
BECAUSE YOU COULD LOSE EVERYTHING IF YOU TOLD THE TRUTH. You understand how selfish that is, right? Let's break down your post:
1. My husband told me that if I ever had any physical contact with the OM ever, he will divorce me.
Or he may choose to remain with you. I'll tell you why: my H and I always agreed that infidelity would be our deal-breaker. If one of us were to commit adultery against the other, it would be over. Well, the worst thing happened - he committed adultery against me. That was three years ago. We're totally recovered, and I'm here helping people like you and Bricks. There is hope. But it's up to Bricks, now, to decide if he will choose the path of recovery like I, and others on this site, chose.
2. I love my kids so much that I was really afraid that my husband will take them away from me. I know all of you will say, I should have not gone out and sleep with another woman's husband if I never wanted this to happen in the first place.
Discussing the future location of your children, and whether or not you will have access to them, is another self-serving comment on your part. Bless your husband right now, for the fact that he is allowing you to have ANY access to your children. You are currently a toxic element in their lives. You are a clear and present danger to everything that is loving and stable about their lives.
3. I cannot anymore continue to hug him back when he hugs me let alone look at him in the eye.
Because you know that you are unworthy. You can earn that worthiness back. That's up to Bricks. He'll have to allow you to do that.
4. The thought of the polygraph scares me.
That should scare you ONLY if you are continuing to lie. You need to spill your guts RIGHT NOW, DG. Get everything out. Bleed that toxic crap out completely. Then you won't be afraid anymore. Living in deceit is a fearful thing. And it is poisonous to a marriage. If there is more that you need to disclose to Bricks, tell him that. If he can bear to hear it, TELL HIM. EVERYTHING. NOW.
My H trickle-truthed me about his affair, exactly how you have done to Bricks. It eventually all came out, just like yours has to. Yes, it was horrible. Yes, I was sick from it. But I could handle knowing the truth - it was the
not knowing that I couldn't handle.
If you are serious you will do the polygraph ASAP. You will disclose EVERYTHING to Bricks. You will do whatever it takes to save your marriage. You will have to work harder than you have ever worked for anything in your life to accomplish recovery. You will have to be honest TO A FAULT.
If you are willing to do this, and Bricks is willing to recover his marriage with you, there is hope.
As soon as they email me, I will have one done. Thank you, everyone!
NOPE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Do NOT wait for a return email. That takes the control of your recovery out of your hands. Are you serious about recovery, or not?
Call the Sheriff's Department or Police Department in your city and tell them you need the name of a polygrapher. Don't wait for someone to 'get back to you'.
Bricks has not posted recently, and we are concerned about him. Please tell him that we are very concerned about him and would like him to check in, okay?
Have you told your BH the ENTIRE truth about what happened with OM? Are you hiding anything else?
Did you read your old thread?
Here it is:
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2590030&page=allOne of the things you were told to do (besides not hide anything else from your BH) was to write the OM a NC letter. Have you done so?
PS ~ I am not encouraged by the fact that you lost your login information and started a new thread. I hope that you will stick to one thread and keep reading and posting...
VDG, whichever way this marriages goes, you will need to fix YOURSELF.
You need to show through ACTIONS that you have changed.
I am glad that you talked to OMW, because frankly, I would have told you that you needed to hear about it.
Have you considered telling your children? Your parents? Brick's parents? Both of your families? Mutual friends? I would like you to do this WITH your BH.
I leave this with my husband. At this point in my life, I really don't want to talk to anyone but to my husband and my kids. I don't have a good relationship with my some of my family and my Mom.
YES take the polygraph. You need to PROVE that you aren't lying anymore. It is quite normal for a WS to trickle truth their BSs, that is a BAD BAD BAD idea, so if there is ANYTHING that your BH should know, tell him NOW. Even if that means he will divorce you. Living a marriage in a lie would be worse for him than a divorce would be for you.
As soon as they email me, I will have one done. Thank you, everyone!
You ignored this part of Scotland's post:
Have you considered telling your children? Your parents? Brick's parents? Both of your families? Mutual friends?
Can you answer the question?
Here are some clips of what Dr Harley says regarding exposing an affair, not only will help Bricks get the support he most likely needs but it will help to protect your M from the affair rekindling:
What about exposure of an affair that took place years earlier and is now ended but recently revealed? I feel that the children, close relatives, close friends, and the lover�s spouse should be informed. Granted, it�s embarrassing to admit an affair, but publicly admitting failure is usually the first step toward redemption.
and
In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery.
Time heals nothing but the truth will. You should answer any question that your husband ask truthfully no matter how bad it hurts or how it makes you look. If you want to save your marriage the time has come to stop playing games.
I have been answering his questions actually.
[/quote]
Promise him choices. Options. Tell him you will be there for him, even if it is only for him to push you away.
He wouldnt be this cut up if he did not love you.
Be worthy of that love. [/quote]
I have given him some choices but it's hard to do that when I don't really know where to put myself. I want to hug him and just be there for him but I don't know if he wants me to do that. I ask everytime I do this. I feel like I should move out of the house so I don't cloud his decisions. I am not worth of anything right now. I really don't know what to do.
DG, you are currently your husband's worst enemy. You have done to him something that will be very, very difficult for him to recover from. He trusted you over everyone, and you betrayed that trust. He doesn't even know who you are right now. You have much work ahead of you. And you are going to hear some things from us that you might not like to hear. If you are serious about saving your marriage, you will listen to what we say and will do what we advise.
I know I am his worst enemy. I know that what I did was very very wrong and I know that I betrayed him. Do you think I have to stay in the house? Or it's better for me to go? I am here and that alone is huge. My husband has been in this forum for probably 10 years. I don't like discussion forums because for me, being with my family and spending time with them will help me and us a great deal to fix what needs to be fixed. But I am here because this is important for him.
Having said that: Your first paragraph is filled with self-serving justifications for why it wasn't 'convenient' for you to be straight up with us. We see that - we don't buy your excuses. We also
understand that - you are wayward. Our goal is to pull you out of that wayward state. Thank you for giving us your reasons for why you posted the way you did. When the two of you are recovered (you'll learn that I'm an optimist) you'll re-read this thread and be appalled at how wayward you were.
I know all of you don't buy my excuses and I respect all of you for that. Everyone is entitled to their opinions. I am a wayward and I cheated on my husband, everytime I look at him, I am reminded of this. Everything that I do or think or see is reminding me of a how stupid I am.
Okay, let's look at why you lied to your husband.
BECAUSE YOU COULD LOSE EVERYTHING IF YOU TOLD THE TRUTH. You understand how selfish that is, right? Let's break down your post:
I am selfish and I know that this is not about me.
1. My husband told me that if I ever had any physical contact with the OM ever, he will divorce me.
Or he may choose to remain with you. I'll tell you why: my H and I always agreed that infidelity would be our deal-breaker. If one of us were to commit adultery against the other, it would be over. Well, the worst thing happened - he committed adultery against me. That was three years ago. We're totally recovered, and I'm here helping people like you and Bricks. There is hope. But it's up to Bricks, now, to decide if he will choose the path of recovery like I, and others on this site, chose.
Yes, it's up to my husband. I respect his decisions whatever it may be.
2. I love my kids so much that I was really afraid that my husband will take them away from me. I know all of you will say, I should have not gone out and sleep with another woman's husband if I never wanted this to happen in the first place.
Discussing the future location of your children, and whether or not you will have access to them, is another self-serving comment on your part. Bless your husband right now, for the fact that he is allowing you to have ANY access to your children. You are currently a toxic element in their lives. You are a clear and present danger to everything that is loving and stable about their lives.
Yes, I cheated but that doesn't make me a bad mother to my kids. I will offer everything to them if I can. I never had a family that I can call my own. I am trying my best to be a good Mom to them everyday because I did not experience any of this. My Mom left me in the care of my aunt and she later move me to another aunt. I did not know who my real Dad until I was 21. So please before you judge me on how good of a mother I am or I how I am a danger to my kids, please don't be too harsh on me because you don't know. Just because your husband did what he did, you are in no position to judge me. I am sorry but it's hard to do everything that I can do to fix our marriage when you are being judged all the time.
3. I cannot anymore continue to hug him back when he hugs me let alone look at him in the eye.
Because you know that you are unworthy. You can earn that worthiness back. That's up to Bricks. He'll have to allow you to do that.
I know I am unworthy and it's up to my husband.
4. The thought of the polygraph scares me.
That should scare you ONLY if you are continuing to lie. You need to spill your guts RIGHT NOW, DG. Get everything out. Bleed that toxic crap out completely. Then you won't be afraid anymore. Living in deceit is a fearful thing. And it is poisonous to a marriage. If there is more that you need to disclose to Bricks, tell him that. If he can bear to hear it, TELL HIM. EVERYTHING. NOW.
My H trickle-truthed me about his affair, exactly how you have done to Bricks. It eventually all came out, just like yours has to. Yes, it was horrible. Yes, I was sick from it. But I could handle knowing the truth - it was the
not knowing that I couldn't handle.
If you are serious you will do the polygraph ASAP. You will disclose EVERYTHING to Bricks. You will do whatever it takes to save your marriage. You will have to work harder than you have ever worked for anything in your life to accomplish recovery. You will have to be honest TO A FAULT.
If you are willing to do this, and Bricks is willing to recover his marriage with you, there is hope.
Bricks has not posted recently, and we are concerned about him. Please tell him that we are very concerned about him and would like him to check in, okay?
He is okay, that's what he tells me. Thank you for thinking of him. I am sure he checks in here. He might not respond to to all of you but I am very sure he reads all of them.
As soon as they email me, I will have one done. Thank you, everyone!
NOPE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Do NOT wait for a return email. That takes the control of your recovery out of your hands. Are you serious about recovery, or not?
Call the Sheriff's Department or Police Department in your city and tell them you need the name of a polygrapher. Don't wait for someone to 'get back to you'.
Okay I will do that today. I am at work but I will do this today.
[/quote]
Have you told your BH the ENTIRE truth about what happened with OM? Are you hiding anything else? [/quote]
As far as I am aware, I told him the entire truth. He doesn't really want to talk about him. Right now, I am waiting for him if he has any questions because I am very willing to answer all of them.
No, I did not. But I will.
We did the NC letter a few days ago.
Sorry that you are not encouraged that I lost my login info. I know my username but I am not good at passwords and these goes with our credit card infos, water bill, what the last paragraph I've read and so on. This will be my thread and I will keep reading and posting.
VDG, whichever way this marriages goes, you will need to fix YOURSELF.
You need to show through ACTIONS that you have changed.
I am glad that you talked to OMW, because frankly, I would have told you that you needed to hear about it.
Have you considered telling your children? Your parents? Brick's parents? Both of your families? Mutual friends? I would like you to do this WITH your BH.
I leave this with my husband. At this point in my life, I really don't want to talk to anyone but to my husband and my kids. I don't have a good relationship with my some of my family and my Mom.
YES take the polygraph. You need to PROVE that you aren't lying anymore. It is quite normal for a WS to trickle truth their BSs, that is a BAD BAD BAD idea, so if there is ANYTHING that your BH should know, tell him NOW. Even if that means he will divorce you. Living a marriage in a lie would be worse for him than a divorce would be for you.
As soon as they email me, I will have one done. Thank you, everyone!
You ignored this part of Scotland's post:
Have you considered telling your children? Your parents? Brick's parents? Both of your families? Mutual friends?
Can you answer the question?
I actually answered this but just didn't know how to quote so my answer to his question is in this quote that you quoted and I have replied to this again in my post.
[/quote]
I actually answered this but just didn't know how to quote so my answer to his question is in this quote that you quoted and I have replied to this again in my post. [/quote]
And this is my answer if you didn't see it.
I leave this with my husband. At this point in my life, I really don't want to talk to anyone but to my husband and my kids. I don't have a good relationship with my some of my family and my Mom.
Do you think I have to stay in the house? Or it's better for me to go? I am here and that alone is huge. My husband has been in this forum for probably 10 years.
That's up to your husband. If he were posting I would suggest that he ask you to remain in the house until he is sure about what he wants to do, recovery-wise.
He's been coming to this website for about 10 years? Is that correct?
Yes, I cheated but that doesn't make me a bad mother to my kids. I will offer everything to them if I can. I never had a family that I can call my own. I am trying my best to be a good Mom to them everyday because I did not experience any of this. My Mom left me in the care of my aunt and she later move me to another aunt. I did not know who my real Dad until I was 21. So please before you judge me on how good of a mother I am or I how I am a danger to my kids, please don't be too harsh on me because you don't know. Just because your husband did what he did, you are in no position to judge me.
This is all immaterial. Your childhood has nothing to do with the issue at hand.
I mentioned my husband's infidelity so that you know where I'm coming from. I am a survivor of infidelity, which puts me, and the other survivors here, in a unique position to advise you. It's important that you know that.
You may be Mother of the Year in many ways, but the act of giving yourself and your emotions to a man who is not their father is not the loving act of a mother. You were a poor parent during the affair because of this. You have threatened their home and every bit of stability that they know. They trusted you to keep their home safe and you ran off and screwed another man. Do you see where these are the actions of a bad mother?
That's up to your husband. If he were posting I would suggest that he ask you to remain in the house until he is sure about what he wants to do, recovery-wise.
He wants me to stay but I still want your opinion.
[quote]He's been coming to this website for about 10 years? Is that correct? [quote]
Yes, he's been coming here for quite some time. He said he's always been interested about the topics that people are posting.
Yes, I cheated but that doesn't make me a bad mother to my kids. I will offer everything to them if I can. I never had a family that I can call my own. I am trying my best to be a good Mom to them everyday because I did not experience any of this. My Mom left me in the care of my aunt and she later move me to another aunt. I did not know who my real Dad until I was 21. So please before you judge me on how good of a mother I am or I how I am a danger to my kids, please don't be too harsh on me because you don't know. Just because your husband did what he did, you are in no position to judge me.
This is all immaterial. Your childhood has nothing to do with the issue at hand.
I mentioned my husband's infidelity so that you know where I'm coming from. I am a survivor of infidelity, which puts me, and the other survivors here, in a unique position to advise you. It's important that you know that.
You may be Mother of the Year in many ways, but the act of giving yourself and your emotions to a man who is not their father is not the loving act of a mother. You were a poor parent during the affair because of this. You have threatened their home and every bit of stability that they know. They trusted you to keep their home safe and you ran off and screwed another man. Do you see where these are the actions of a bad mother?
Yes, I was a bad mother when I cheated on my husband.
I am so stupid that I don't even know how to quote someone's post. So please all of you read my replies inside the quote.
I leave this with my husband. At this point in my life, I really don't want to talk to anyone but to my husband and my kids. I don't have a good relationship with my some of my family and my Mom.
It doesn't matter what your relationship is with these people, if they can provide the support your BH needs.
What about your children? Have they been told? How old are they?
[/quote]
It doesn't matter what your relationship is with these people, if they can provide the support your BH needs.
What about your children? Have they been told? How old are they? [/quote]
My husband is not close to my family. I told him that he can tell anyone he wants. I leave this up to him. Our son is 11 and our daughter is 5. I asked him about this as well yesterday if he wants me to tell the kids, and he said No. I asked him for everything that I need to do in my life right now. He is deciding for me.
I am so stupid that I don't even know how to quote someone's post. So please all of you read my replies inside the quote.
Stop it. Instead of calling yourself names, learn how to quote. If you are having trouble with this, ask us.
Here's how I do it:
I hit reply. Then I click on the " that shows at the top of the reply box. That will bring up brackets in your reply box. Scroll down a little bit and you'll see the post you're quoting. Highlight what you want to quote, then right click on your computer to hit 'copy'. Paste the highlighted part into your reply box by putting your cursor between those two 'quote bracket' and right-click to paste it in.
As soon as they email me, I will have one done. Thank you, everyone!
NOPE. NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Do NOT wait for a return email. That takes the control of your recovery out of your hands. Are you serious about recovery, or not?
Call the Sheriff's Department or Police Department in your city and tell them you need the name of a polygrapher. Don't wait for someone to 'get back to you'.
I just called our police department in my city and the dispatcher said they don't handle this. I just also checked my email and they have not responded yet. Maybe it's the weekend?
Yes, they're probably not in. Wait and contact them tomorrow. I know the Sheriff's Dept doesn't handle it - I was hoping they could direct you to someone who does.
Call them first thing tomorrow. My goal is to make sure you follow through on this.
Our son is 11 and our daughter is 5. I asked him about this as well yesterday if he wants me to tell the kids, and he said No.
What do your children think is going on? Have they asked why there is tension/problems in the house? What are they being told?
If you are having trouble with this, ask us.
Got it. Thanks.
What do your children think is going on? Have they asked why there is tension/problems in the house? What are they being told?
I think they can feel that something is going on. No, they are NOT asking any questions at all. I started to tell both of them actually..I said, Mommy did something really bad to you both of you and Dad and that we love you so much and that it's not your fault. I don't know how to say it that they can understand. But my husband said, No.
Call them first thing tomorrow. My goal is to make sure you follow through on this.
I will.
What do your children think is going on? Have they asked why there is tension/problems in the house? What are they being told?
I think they can feel that something is going on. No, they are NOT asking any questions at all. I started to tell both of them actually..I said, Mommy did something really bad to you both of you and Dad and that we love you so much and that it's not your fault. I don't know how to say it that they can understand. But my husband said, No.
How very sad. Kids blame themselves for marital tension problems and think the worst. What a mess.
Hopefully when your h feels better you can both expose to them in a loving, age appropriate way. He prob needs to wrap his head around everything.
While you are waiting on the poly dg, you could write the NC letter. I will find you an example so you can write it and give it to Bricks, ok?
Though you write it, he mails it so he can be sure NC was done.
Of course he may not care about NC if he is divorcing you, but you owe him the choice of sending it by writing it out for him ASAP.
I hope your motivation is still storng today. Stay with it.
While you are waiting on the poly dg, you could write the NC letter. I will find you an example so you can write it and give it to Bricks, ok?
I did the NC letter few days ago and my husband mailed it already.
While you are waiting on the poly dg, you could write the NC letter. I will find you an example so you can write it and give it to Bricks, ok?
I did the NC letter few days ago and my husband mailed it already.
Oh good. When the poly is ready you will have two actions to your credit. Some great journeys began with just two steps.
There are more to come.
How is Bricks holding up today?
How is Bricks holding up today?
He is okay, this is what he says when I ask. He's sad. We just had lunch with the kids.
I said, Mommy did something really bad to you both of you and Dad and that we love you so much and that it's not your fault. I don't know how to say it that they can understand. But my husband said, No.
Oh, dear. How scary that must have sounded for them.
I think the two of you need to explain this better to your children.
Certainly tell them what the bad thing was so they don't think up even worse stuff...
say "I was dating a man though I am married to Daddy. Married women should not date anyone but their husband. To do it, I had to keep secrets and lie to you all. That is wrong."
Think about it this way. "Your father gave me something secret and precious, and I was careless with it and I broke it".
Think about it this way. "Your father gave me something secret and precious, and I was careless with it and I broke it".
No. I appreciate your thoughts, but I have to strongly disagree with this. This is saying nothing and will add to their confusion. I agree with Reading. Kids are very black and white. They won't understand this gauzy version of what has happened to them.
Certainly tell them what the bad thing was so they don't think up even worse stuff...
say "I was dating a man though I am married to Daddy. Married women should not date anyone but their husband. To do it, I had to keep secrets and lie to you all. That is wrong."
Thank you. I will let BRICKS know this. It's up to him at this point.
Think about it this way. "Your father gave me something secret and precious, and I was careless with it and I broke it".
I will tell him this as well. Thank you.
This is saying nothing and will add to their confusion. I agree with Reading. Kids are very black and white. They won't understand this gauzy version of what has happened to them.
I agree about this. They might ask me what that secret was. I was just going to tell them that I slept with another man but I feel like it's too much to handle. I emailed Harley to set up a telephone counseling this week. Is this too early? If BRICKS is still up for this, I want to do this.
I emailed Harley to set up a telephone counseling this week. Is this too early? If BRICKS is still up for this, I want to do this.
Good move. NOW you're starting to mean business. Let us know when you're scheduled with Steve.
Good move. NOW you're starting to mean business. Let us know when you're scheduled with Steve.
Thank you. I will let all of you know as soon as BRICKS decides and when I hear from Steve.
Thank you. I will let all of you know as soon as BRICKS decides and when I hear from Steve.
Schedule the appointment with Steve. Let us know when it is.
This is saying nothing and will add to their confusion. I agree with Reading. Kids are very black and white. They won't understand this gauzy version of what has happened to them.
I agree about this. They might ask me what that secret was. I was just going to tell them that I slept with another man but I feel like it's too much to handle. I emailed Harley to set up a telephone counseling this week.
Is this too early? If BRICKS is still up for this, I want to do this.It's absolutely not too early. You're going to be individually counseled anyway, so take the first step whether he's on board
right now or not. It will be a grand gesture to him (eventually) that you are committed to doing everything in your power to right your wrong.
His emotions right now are all over the place. Expect very little cooperation from him right now and brace yourself for pretty much anything and everything emotion wise from him. He is in a very dark place of which you have no comprehension. I have been there and, honey, it is NOT pretty. I recall thinking hell would be preferable to what I was going through.
And make damned sure you have not left ANYTHING out! Think, and think hard. It may benefit you (and him) to sit down a write out a time line of how things began, progressed, and eventually led to your betrayal. Divulging bits and pieces here and there will bury you. Of course, you just got a little taste of that truism yourself, huh? Make sure he has everything that happened in his possession, no matter how difficult it is for you or how much more you think it will hurt him now.
You're gonna get some serious 2x4's around here from time to time, but understand that they are delivered out of real concern and compassion for your situation. Everyone here wants to see the both of you recover your marriage, and it can be done. There's a proven path to recovery, and you have very luckily landed in the best place possible to make that happen.
Hang in there and keep pluggin' away
Certainly tell them what the bad thing was so they don't think up even worse stuff...
say "I was dating a man though I am married to Daddy. Married women should not date anyone but their husband. To do it, I had to keep secrets and lie to you all. That is wrong."
Is the way to go.
Think about it this way. "Your father gave me something secret and precious, and I was careless with it and I broke it".
Total baloney. How can kids realize and learn by what a WW has done to the BH. Totally vague and meaningless.
Schedule the appointment with Steve. Let us know when it is.
I sent them an email today with all my info as well as the dates and times that we are available. As of now, BRICKS want me to move out this week. I trickle truth. I called him this afternoon 3 hours after lunch telling BRICKS about the appointment. He asked me if there was anymore I need to tell. I didn't want to say it at first because I was at work and he's at home with our son. I said I want to tell him in person but he wanted me to so I did. I told him that the NY trip was the second and last time I met with the OM. The first time I met OM in person was in July. I told BRICKS that I wanted to tell him 2 days ago but he was in a bad shape that I can't go on. I told my very close girlfriend about the affair today at work. When he first received the picture, I told him if there was something he needed to ask me that he wants to know to please ask me but he did not do this. I disclosed all my affair with the OM to BRICKS but if he had asked me, I would have spill it right away. I got home and updated the timeline like he asked me. I am sure in my heart and swear to GOD that it's everything. I told BRICKS the timeline was updated and he wanted to talk to me. We talked upstairs while the kids are downstairs. He asked me everything about how it made me decide to do it with the OM and the how the SEX was - positions and everything! I told him everything. I am so embarrass to look at him. I took all the clothes that I used when I met up with the OM like he asked me and put it outside. I have also packed some clothes that I may need. I returned all the credit cards, debit cards and insurance cards to him as well as the engagement and our wedding ring. I gave him all our financial info as well as passwords and login informations. I am not worthy to wear it now. I read to the kids before they went to bed - I hope it's not the last one. I gave them the tightest hug and I told them that I might not be there tomorrow. I told them that I love them so much and that they be good kids esp. at school. It's now very clear to me that I might lose them in the end as well as their respect. Sorry for the lie again. This will be the last lie, I swear!
It's absolutely not too early. You're going to be individually counseled anyway, so take the first step whether he's on board right now or not. It will be a grand gesture to him (eventually) that you are committed to doing everything in your power to right your wrong.
BRICKS told me to cancel the appointment. I can't really afford it right now. As soon as I have the money, I will.
His emotions right now are all over the place. Expect very little cooperation from him right now and brace yourself for pretty much anything and everything emotion wise from him. He is in a very dark place of which you have no comprehension. I have been there and, honey, it is NOT pretty. I recall thinking hell would be preferable to what I was going through.
Actually he was still the nicest but this evening, he was very angry. Still very caring. He wants to make sure I have a place to stay this week.
And make damned sure you have not left ANYTHING out! Think, and think hard. It may benefit you (and him) to sit down a write out a time line of how things began, progressed, and eventually led to your betrayal. Divulging bits and pieces here and there will bury you. Of course, you just got a little taste of that truism yourself, huh? Make sure he has everything that happened in his possession, no matter how difficult it is for you or how much more you think it will hurt him now.
No more. I am open to any questions that BRICKS may have.
You're gonna get some serious 2x4's around here from time to time, but understand that they are delivered out of real concern and compassion for your situation. Everyone here wants to see the both of you recover your marriage, and it can be done. There's a proven path to recovery, and you have very luckily landed in the best place possible to make that happen.
Hang in there and keep pluggin' away
I know. Thank you. I hope BRICKS and I can recover our marriage. I hope he forgives me. I will continue to post here. So much GOOD are in this forum.
Originally Posted By: reading
Certainly tell them what the bad thing was so they don't think up even worse stuff...
say "I was dating a man though I am married to Daddy. Married women should not date anyone but their husband. To do it, I had to keep secrets and lie to you all. That is wrong."
Is the way to go.
I will wait on BRICKS on how he wants to handle this. Thank you.
This will be the last lie, I swear!
I'm sorry, but I don't believe you.
We all knew that there was more. WE all knew that you were trickle truthing. You are a wayward. You LIE. This isn't new to us.
You need to get on the phone with Steve YOURSELF. One session, to help you through this. You need to spend the money because a divorce is going to cost you a lot more.
Expose to EVERYONE around you, and Bricks. The more you don't want to expose to someone tells you that that person is someone to start exposing to. And your children, they should be told as well. They should ideally be told by Bricks, but if not by him, then by you with someone who will keep you accountable to tell them the truth. They can and will understand(especially your 11 YO). I would tell them, "Mommy committed adultery with OM(I would say his name)." Then you can explain what adultery entails, ALL OF IT, from emotions, to SF. Explain to them that you have done something that you vowed you wouldn't do, and now Daddy may choose to divorce you over it, but that would be YOUR fault, since you broke your promise to him. I don't want your children to blame Bricks if he decides to divorce you because this isn't his fault.
Exposure is very very very important.
Have you told your BH the ENTIRE truth about what happened with OM? Are you hiding anything else? [/quote]
As far as I am aware, I told him the entire truth. [/quote]
Why should we believe you THIS time? Why should your BH?
As far as I am aware, I told him the entire truth.
DG, please explain this. What do you mean, 'as far as you're aware'? You mean maybe you did something while you were unconscious, and you can't recall that? Do you see where this is a foggy comment? Can you see where this sounds like you're trying to dodge accountability?
I'm sorry, but I don't believe you.
That's okay. I know all of you don't believe me but I have to stand on my word. I am sorry you feel that way but I respect your decision.
We all knew that there was more. WE all knew that you were trickle truthing. You are a wayward. You LIE. This isn't new to us.
Yup. I am a wayward and I lied.
You need to get on the phone with Steve YOURSELF. One session, to help you through this. You need to spend the money because a divorce is going to cost you a lot more.
I have actually talked to Laurie already this morning. I was all packed and ready to move out last night but BRICKS insisted that I stay. So, I did. I told him that I will leave the next day. He asked me where I'm staying then I said, don't worry. I will find a way. After I listed everything about our kids schedule, finances, credit cards and so on, I slept downstairs. BRICKS went downstairs and talked to me asking me to stay to fix the marriage. He asked me again where I was planning to go and I told him the same. He offered me half of our money but I refused. I told him that I am very much willing to fix it and work so hard to prove to him that I want to be in this marriage if and only if he wants me to. At this point, I don't have a say.
Expose to EVERYONE around you, and Bricks. The more you don't want to expose to someone tells you that that person is someone to start exposing to. And your children, they should be told as well. They should ideally be told by Bricks, but if not by him, then by you with someone who will keep you accountable to tell them the truth. They can and will understand(especially your 11 YO). I would tell them, "Mommy committed adultery with OM(I would say his name)." Then you can explain what adultery entails, ALL OF IT, from emotions, to SF. Explain to them that you have done something that you vowed you wouldn't do, and now Daddy may choose to divorce you over it, but that would be YOUR fault, since you broke your promise to him. I don't want your children to blame Bricks if he decides to divorce you because this isn't his fault.
Exposure is very very very important.
I told my very good friend yesterday about my affair and I am planning to tell some more people that we know. I even encourage BRICKS to do the same esp. his parents. About the kids situation, I am waiting for BRICKS for the go signal.
Why should we believe you THIS time?
You shouldn't. You don't know me.
Because I hurt BRICKS a lot and I will do everything that I can to win him back if and only if he lets me. If he doesn't want me to, then I won't.
DG, please explain this. What do you mean, 'as far as you're aware'? You mean maybe you did something while you were unconscious, and you can't recall that? Do you see where this is a foggy comment? Can you see where this sounds like you're trying to dodge accountability?
I meant, as far as I know in my heart. No, I did not do anything unconsciously. I was not born in the U.S. and English is not our primary language. So, yeah some of my sentences are harder to understand.
Have you told your BH the ENTIRE truth about what happened with OM? Are you hiding anything else?
YES. No, I am not hiding anything else. I told BRICKS that he can ask me anything and I will answer all of them truthfully.
I think you were being very deceptive on where you were planning to go. If BRICKS was going to kick you out, were you planning on trying to see the OM again.
You don't seem very convincing to me on your intention with BRICKS. As a matter of fact..I believe you would try to see the OM again if you had the chance.
You are quite a good liar..you will have to change that if you want to really reconcile with BRICKS.
Right now..I believe you are just saying what he and we here on the forum want to hear...
It is just my opinion..but you haven't been very honest with us, Bricks or yourself.
I think you were being very deceptive on where you were planning to go. If BRICKS was going to kick you out, were you planning on trying to see the OM again.
I was? How do you know? I told him that I don't know because I didn't know. And NO, I was not planning to see OM again. But, you should not trust my word, right?
You don't seem very convincing to me on your intention with BRICKS. As a matter of fact..I believe you would try to see the OM again if you had the chance.
I am not trying to convince you at all. Believe what you want to believe. That's your decision, not mine.
You are quite a good liar..you will have to change that if you want to really reconcile with BRICKS.
Right now..I believe you are just saying what he and we here on the forum want to hear...
Yup, I was. Like I said, believe what you want to believe. I thought you guys know everything?
It is just my opinion..but you haven't been very honest with us, Bricks or yourself.
Yup and you are entitled to that. You are right, I was not very honest with all of you here, BRICKS and to myself.
Drop the defensive act.
You are still showing signs of foggy thinking. You are not broken yet.
It took me a while to get there, too. I didn't find MB until nearly a year after my A ended. I trickle-truthed my H for four months. I would look him in the eye and swear on his life, on the lives of our children, that my infidelity was "only" emotional. I thought I was "protecting" him. Sparing him pain. In reality, I was protecting my own selfish azz. Your lies - just like mine - are an attempt to trick your BH into remaining married to you, a wayward.
Do you understand that Bricks is lying on the floor, bleeding from a gunshot would that YOU gave him? And that each and every lie you tell Bricks - or let me more correctly say - each little blurb of truth that you let trickle out bit by bit - is like you are kicking him while he is down? Over...and over...and over...and over again.
My M is not recovered and I don't know if it ever will. It was not only the fact I had sex with a man not my husband, but the fact that I lied about it, and lied so convincingly. You can do everything in your power to try and make it up to him (and you should!), but he will forever doubt that you have been totally honest with him.
Do you have any comprehension of what you have lost? I do.
I am not trying to convince you at all. Believe what you want to believe. That's your decision, not mine.
That is correct, it is my decision...however I am not the one that needs convincing. it is Bricks who does and right now..it would not be very wise to trust you for a long time.
You were willing to set up a poly knowing you had more to tell.
Your user name suits you.
It would be wise to change that and your username as well.
Yup and you are entitled to that. You are right, I was not very honest with all of you here, BRICKS and to myself.
Well..you can start now by at least being and staying honest with Bricks.
It might just be the English/Tagalog barrier here, but you don't come across as very remorseful..just sorry you got caught..I truly hope that's not the case.
I would like to see you do the hard work and reconcile with Bricks. He deserves an honest and loving wife. If you truly work this plan..that could be quite possible
Why should we believe you THIS time?
You shouldn't. You don't know me.
Because I hurt BRICKS a lot and I will do everything that I can to win him back if and only if he lets me. If he doesn't want me to, then I won't.
Huh, was not expecting you to necessarily get it entirely but was definitely expecting an answer that demonstrated some thought and understanding of why honesty is so important. Again, not encouraged.
Like I said, believe what you want to believe. I thought you guys know everything?
You realize that people are very sensitive to being LIED to on this forum? I would drop the attitude fast if you expect people to help you. And yes, you do need the help.
I told him everything. I am so embarrass to look at him. ....Sorry for the lie again. This will be the last lie, I swear!
You made a point of calling your first thread a very deceptive name. Then you swore up and down you were finally honest and 'felt the relief' of honesty, then when you finally admitted you trickle truthed your H. A horrendously painful yanking around of his spirit by you, you blame your BH for 'not asking' you and claim he was in 'too much pain' for the healing balm of truth.
Your post is riddled with the word 'I' and you talk of your well earned embarassment - not your BHs pain.
I think Bricks deserves to be put first at long last, don't you? You continue to put covering your [censored] ahead of his PAIN.
What are you doing to reveal the truth to him now? How is that poly coming along? Will you allow him access to your email/FB history so he can see what has REALLY been going on?
You shouldn't. You don't know me.
This is what people say when they know they are in the wrong.
No..we don't "know' you..but your first impression tells a lot about you.
What we do know is that you are capable of huge deception.
I am sorry if I sounded defensive. I hope your marriage will be resolved in time because I will try my everything to fix mine. I am excited to do so many good and fun things with BRICKS.
VDgirl, actually we know you quite well. WE have seen you many many times on this board.
You don't know US, but you wanted to lie to us too. I know why you are posting here though. You are doing it in hopes that your BH, Bricks will read and think you are doing the right things. But really, it's all about YOU. Because you are a wayward, you lie. Because you are a wayward, you are behaving selfishly.
You CAN change, but only YOU can do that.
You will be LUCKY if your BH wants to try. You should be forever grateful that he didn't immediately kick you out and file for a divorce.
Now, today, call HIS family, and tell them. Tell them the TRUTH. Don't sugar coat it. THis is for YOU and YOUR recovery.
That is correct, it is my decision...however I am not the one that needs convincing. it is Bricks who does and right now..it would not be very wise to trust you for a long time.
I know it's BRICKS that I will be convincing. Like I said, you are entitled to your own opinion.
You were willing to set up a poly knowing you had more to tell.
I am willing to get the polygraph even now. I have 2 phone numbers already. It's just a matter of who to have it done with.
Your user name suits you.
It would be wise to change that and your username as well.
Thank you. Yes, I am a very deceptive girl.
Well..you can start now by at least being and staying honest with Bricks.
It might just be the English/Tagalog barrier here, but you don't come across as very remorseful..just sorry you got caught..I truly hope that's not the case.
I would like to see you do the hard work and reconcile with Bricks. He deserves an honest and loving wife. If you truly work this plan..that could be quite possible
Okay, so can you please tell me how to be remorseful? I am actually doing some hard work and I should. We just had lunch today and actually laugh. You are right, he deserves nothing more but the best. He is a very good person and right now, I feel like I don't deserve anything but I will do my best to win him back.
Okay. I don't know what to say anymore.
You are going to lose some valuable resources by continuing to abuse and lie to the posters here. You are going to lose the help that you need. You will then lose your marriage and your children. These are all YOUR choices, and it will be through YOUR actions.
I think that this new entitlement is coming through because you have convinced Bricks that you are serious, and you are showing your true colours now. If I were posting to Bricks, I would be telling him to be very wary of you right now.
You don't know US, but you wanted to lie to us too. I know why you are posting here though. You are doing it in hopes that your BH, Bricks will read and think you are doing the right things. But really, it's all about YOU. Because you are a wayward, you lie. Because you are a wayward, you are behaving selfishly.
No, I don't think that at all. I actually think that this forum is offering a great help to people like me. I wished I spent some time here before the affair but I did not. I never denied that I was not a wayward and that I am a liar. Yes, you are right, I am very selfish. I don't post here because I hope that BRICKS sees my posts so he believes me, NO, I am here because I know I can find valuable information here to help me fix my marriage. Do you not want me to be here?
You will be LUCKY if your BH wants to try. You should be forever grateful that he didn't immediately kick you out and file for a divorce.
I am actually VERY lucky because BRICKS wants to try. I am staying in the house because this is what BRICKS wants although I prayed that he will let me stay. He did tell me to find a place this week and that was not a problem at all. If BRICKS tells me to leave, I will. I am leaving because this is what BRICKS wants. This is not about me anymore, I am doing what he tells me without objection. I packed last night already and told him that I was leaving the house although I didn't know where to go. Even if we are trying to fix our marriage, BRICKS is still filing a divorce and I will respect his decision whatever it may be.
Now, today, call HIS family, and tell them. Tell them the TRUTH. Don't sugar coat it. THis is for YOU and YOUR recovery.
BRICKS has to decide on this. I have encouraged him to call his parents and whoever BRICKS wants to know since the 28th, I can't force BRICKS to do this.
BRICKS has to decide on this. I have encouraged him to call his parents and whoever BRICKS wants to know since the 28th, I can't force BRICKS to do this.
NO he doesn't. YOU pick up the phone and call his parents and family TODAY. Tel them what you have done, and apologize to them. DO IT TODAY.
I really wish you would tell your children the truth as well.
You are going to lose some valuable resources by continuing to abuse and lie to the posters here. You are going to lose the help that you need. You will then lose your marriage and your children. These are all YOUR choices, and it will be through YOUR actions.
I think that this new entitlement is coming through because you have convinced Bricks that you are serious, and you are showing your true colours now. If I were posting to Bricks, I would be telling him to be very wary of you right now.
Wow. So, whatever, I do and post in this forum, all of you are not going to believe me anyway. Like I said, I am not here to convince all of you. I am here to fix my marriage. Just let me know if all of you don't want me to post anymore. It's telling me that lying and telling the truth don't make a difference if the wayward is doing the post. I understand.
NO he doesn't. YOU pick up the phone and call his parents and family TODAY. Tel them what you have done, and apologize to them. DO IT TODAY.
I really wish you would tell your children the truth as well.
I thought this is not about me anymore? If BRICKS tells me not to do this, why will I do something BRICKS doesn't want me to do? I don't understand. And about the kids, I am waiting for BRICKS to give me a go signal. I've been wanting to tell them on the 28th.
Did any one of us tell you to leave? None of us here have that power. Get over yourself.
Lemme ask you this. How much of this site have you read? Have you read any of the articles? Have you read any threads?
We don't take kindly to people who lie to us, but moreso the people who come here pretending to be a repentant wayward, and SWEARING that they aren't lying, and then tell us they lied to their BS once again.
We are a marriage BUILDERS site, not one that caters to waywards.
VDG, read brick's post. He looks like he's giving you a great opportunity. Divorce with the possibility of reconciliation. I must congratulate on your ACTIONS. Leaving the credit cards, house, joint account, kids custody with your husband, shows that you are owning what you have done. Why? Because it is exactly the opposite of what a self centered, entitled, cheating spouse would do. You didn't value what you had, so you have given it up. Now brick's looks like he is willing to entertain reconciliation with a pre-nup before remarriage. Bricks must be a saint to risk his heart like this again. Please VDG, disclose everything before the polygraph. There is no reason not to. Brick's mercy is giving you the opportunity. Good luck
Hi there, you have come here to save your marriage and it's now your job to read this site, educate yourself and get together a plan to save your marriage, this is not up to Bricks this up to you through actions and words, mostly actions. First and formost is No Contact for life with the OM, a no contact letter should be sent out together with Bricks approval, he should mail it himself......
There are plently of things you can do right away and and first of all would be to get help from the Harley's for both of you.......
Then you start becoming a different person, enough so Bricks notices, a truthful version of a remorseful wife..........You are lucky that Bricks is acting rationally for you and your children, he could pull the plug and no one would blame him, i would start with exposing yourself to everyone that is close to you and the OM's wife and family, apologize to all and ask for their help in keeping you honest.....I would book the lie detector test and let Bricks decide what questions he wants answered, then I would sit down with Bricks or write him a letter explaining everything there is to explain about the affair, details and all, no lies, no omissions, get it out there so there are never going to be any surprises about anything anymore, you give Bricks complete access to all communications devices you use, you trade phones with him, you block the OM's phone # and email address, you close out all social sites you belong to......You install a GPS on your phone and in your car, Bricks will know where you are at all times, you will check in many times during the day to reassure him, you wouldn't go anywhere that is inappropriate, anywhere with any other man, ever again, no personal conversations with any other men, no bars, nights away.....no where without Bricks or your children.
You will sign an agreement that says you lose all financial benefit if you resume this affair or any other at any time in the future..........
You will spend at least 20 hours a week with Bricks, talking, recreational activities, not tv time.......rebuilding trust little by little and the littlest things matter, he will be looking at everything now.........he wants to see remorse and humility.........he wants to see compassion and understanding and most of all honesty.......
If he will agree to giving you another chance, you will have to take the lead and make sure he never has to doubt anything about you ever again........
If you have to tell him how sorry you are a million times over that is your job now.........
Over time and by looking after each other's needs you will get back to being you and your marriage will eventually be better than it's ever been....
Listen to the help you get here, just do it and you will save your marriage and Bricks and your children, it takes a big person to fix what you did wrong.....
It's time to step up to the plate for YOUR husband and YOUR children......
Take the reins......make it count this time..............I am keeping you and your family in my prayers
Okay. I don't know what to say anymore.
I gave you a hint but you were too busy being defensive that you missed it.
was definitely expecting an answer that demonstrated some thought and understanding of why honesty is so important.
How can you gain that understanding? Well, you can start by reading the Basic Concepts and the infidelity articles on this site.
Hi, Ouch!
Thank you. BRICKS is indeed one of a kind and I am very very fortunate that he's giving our marriage another go.
Thank you, Jessi! We did our 2nd counseling today with Steve and he's awesome. It's so good to hear from a neutral person that we are doing much better and our problem is fixable. I started reading SAA as well as the Basic Concepts here in this forum and find it very encouraging. BRICKS and I are okay. We talk on the phone a lot now and when he's home, I make sure I give him my UA. It's just too good to be true. He was so angry at me last week and today, we are just like we are on our honeymoon. We can't take our hands off each other. It's just hard to believe that BRICKS still loves me even though I hurt him so much. Our kids are spending the night at my cousin's..I can't wait to have a great evening with him.
That's wonderful vdg. I am glad things are going well.
I just want to point out though that recovery is not walways smooth and there will be a down point.
Actions on your part will keep things level, always be on the look out for gestures you can make, always be on the watch for ways to make yourself accountable and trustworthy.
You have done so much I cant suggest anything! Bt keep your eyes peeled for opportunities anyway and be prepared for rough days.
Just be careful. This is all real new. Right now its common for hysterical bonding. But its a roller coaster, every high has a low. I would suggest you both journal your feelings and thoughts. Couple of reasons, to remind you of where you came from and where you want to go. It will also help a lot if your in counseling, because if you think of stuff throughout the week, it will be there for you to reference.
That's wonderful vdg. I am glad things are going well.
I just want to point out though that recovery is not walways smooth and there will be a down point.
Actions on your part will keep things level, always be on the look out for gestures you can make, always be on the watch for ways to make yourself accountable and trustworthy.
You have done so much I cant suggest anything! Bt keep your eyes peeled for opportunities anyway and be prepared for rough days.
Thank you. Yes, recovery indeed is not always smooth. We had a good evening 2 days ago. It felt like we were dating. Then I was at work all day yesterday and didn't call BRICKS to check on him. It's not that I didn't want to talk to him but rather, I wanted him to take a break from hearing about me. He called me about 3 times which I answered. He was worried that I sounded so sad on the phone. I didn't want to tell him why but later I did. I was so worried about the results of my STD test - but it all came back normal!
If there is anything else I should do, please let me know.
Just be careful. This is all real new. Right now its common for hysterical bonding. But its a roller coaster, every high has a low. I would suggest you both journal your feelings and thoughts. Couple of reasons, to remind you of where you came from and where you want to go. It will also help a lot if your in counseling, because if you think of stuff throughout the week, it will be there for you to reference.
Thank you. Yes, it feels like we are in a roller coaster. I emailed his parents today and I was so scared. I am scared of what his Dad will say mostly. His Mom emailed me back and she said she still loves me. That made me feel a little better. I am also glad that BRICKS was able to finally talk to his parents about the affair.
Be more honest Bricks! When your h asks you a question you need to be able to give him a frank answer.
This is not the time to let him guess, worry or stumble around in the Dark.
Glad you told him later. As for calling during the day decide together what times you should ring.
Hi, everyone!
2 months since DDay. We are still in counseling with SH almost every week but last week, we cancel due to our very busy schedule at home and SH's schedule but we are back with SH on Tuesday. Bricks and I are spending more time than we ever did. We even went on a 3 day weekend without the kids. That was a first after 12 years of being married. We also do some RC twice a week, so probably over all 13 1/2 hours every week without counting the cuddling in bed before waking up and phone calls when both of us are working.
NC was established and continued to be in effect as of today. I have established EPs and read SA and now reading His and Her Needs. We are also meeting each others ENs most especially, BRICKS' needs.
Before we got married, I made it known to him that it would bother me a lot if he works closely with the opposite sex. He knows this need of mine up to the present. I just found out yesterday that he hired a grad student to work with him on a big project 6 months ago. Also found out that they drove together to a meeting which is about an hour and a half away. I felt so bad for him when he travels because he tells me he's by himself. But yesterday, I called his cell around 0730 so that I can accompany him on the boring drive but he didn't pick up. He said he didn't feel it vibrate. So I called him 2 more times during the day and finally was able to talk to him around 1500 on my way home from the University. He said he was so busy with back to back meetings. So I got home, tended the kids and called him at work around 1700. He picked up. I told him that I missed him all day and that I wanted to talk to him this morning on his way to the meeting and that I felt bad that he was driving by himself. I went on about a few times about this then he told me that this girl was in the car with him. They apparently met at the gas station about 2 mins from our house. He said the student didn't have a car and that she took the bus from the University to the gas station which is about 35 mins away by car.
This really bothered me a lot since last night. He knows it bothers me that's why he said he didn't want to tell me about the meeting and the project. He said he can't let this student go. I really feel like I don't have any right whatsoever to even question him about why he did not tell me about this after what I did to him. We didn't talk much last night. I barely said anything to him. He slept 5 mins early and when I lay down by him, he didn't say anything about it. I slept downstairs in the couch and did not kiss him when I left for work this morning. It hurts me. His work is always very important to him from the start and I always feel like that I am in competition with his job.
What do I do? I wanted to email SH about this but I know he is busy taking care of other people. I just don't want to wait on Tuesday, that's why I am here. I am a very jealous person. I told BRICKS we will POJA on everything since D Day? He said that there are some things that only him can make a decision with regards to his job.
What do I do? I wanted to email SH about this but I know he is busy taking care of other people. I just don't want to wait on Tuesday, that's why I am here. I am a very jealous person. I told BRICKS we will POJA on everything since D Day? He said that there are some things that only him can make a decision with regards to his job.
He is only saying that his job is more important than his marriage, though. The job should complement the marriage, not the other way around. NOTHING should ever be off the table when it comes to the POJA. Your husband is having a very inappropriate, unprofessional relationship with this employee and I wonder if he is having an affair? Why would he sneak off to meet her 2 minutes from your house? Why would he not take your calls all day? This is very inappropriate, MrsBricks.
He shouldn't be going anywhere in a car with a female employee.
He is only saying that his job is more important than his marriage, though. The job should complement the marriage, not the other way around. NOTHING should ever be off the table when it comes to the POJA.
He said that he knows his boundaries and his EPs. I went on and told him that people in the forum mentioned that if a person says that, they will be more prone to affairs. I was. He said he has not done anything wrong and why I am blaming him. He said nothing happened. There's not even a lot of talk when they were driving.
Your husband is having a very inappropriate, unprofessional relationship with this employee and I wonder if he is having an affair?
I hope he doesn't. I check his email at work most of time but 2 days ago, I did not. If I did, it would have not happened. He told me that I am welcome to read his emails. I said, that's ok but I did already. I checked around 0200 this morning and some of the emails were deleted already. There was nothing out of the ordinary that I read, though so I don't know. I checked his other email account from another university and found out that the OMWs email is still in his inbox and I also saw in the TRASH that he got an email from her on Mar. 2. He didn't tell me this and he doesn't know that I check his email regularly. I did not open the email at all because I don't want to go back to Day 1 but I am just wondering why he did not delete them.
Why would he sneak off to meet her 2 minutes from your house? Why would he not take your calls all day? This is very inappropriate, MrsBricks.
He said the girl did not have a car and that she needed to be there for the meeting. He even drove his "nicer" car to this meeting. He said his other car which is the older and uglier one might not make it to the drive. As far as calls, he said he was in meetings. I go to the same university as my husband and his student. If I only read the email few days ago, it should have not happened.
He shouldn't be going anywhere in a car with a female employee.
That's what I told him. He apologized though. He said it won't happen again.
Thanks for the quick reply, MB. Sorry for the edits. I am at work and as soon as I see a response, I go to the break room across my balloon pump patient's room so I can use my laptop. Good thing, I brought it with me. I was going to sign in at the patient's room but I can't remember my password. For some reason, I am still log in, in my laptop.
Oops..I called you, MB! Hi, Melodylane. Wow, I am honored to receive a response from you. Thank you.
He is only saying that his job is more important than his marriage, though. The job should complement the marriage, not the other way around. NOTHING should ever be off the table when it comes to the POJA.
He said that he knows his boundaries and his EPs. I went on and told him that people in the forum mentioned that if a person says that, they will be more prone to affairs. I was. He said he has not done anything wrong and why I am blaming him. He said nothing happened. There's not even a lot of talk when they were driving.
No, he doesn't have good boundaries if he drives females to meetings. That is the point. That is like saying he is a good drunk driver. His actions show he does not have good boundaries.
That's what I told him. He apologized though. He said it won't happen again.
That is great!
So, what do I do now? It's hard to fulfill his needs when this is going on. As of right now, he has not approached me about this. We have not talked about it since Thursday over the phone. We have not said anything to each other since then and I have been sleeping in the couch. Most of the time when we are having problems even with little things, I was the one who would always approach so we can discuss and solve things but this time, I chose not to.
Why are you sleeping on the couch? He apologized and agreed he wouldn't do that again. That is all you need. Problem solved, move on!
Because I know he will still be working one on one with this student. He hired this student knowing that it would hurt me. He can hire a guy if he wants to but chose and picked this particular student. He also told me Thursday that this was the second time the student drove with him to see a bridge for inspection and he told me this because I asked him.
Because I know he will still be working one on one with this student. He hired this student knowing that it would hurt me. He can hire a guy if he wants to but chose and picked this particular student. He also told me Thursday that this was the second time the student drove with him to see a bridge for inspection and he told me this because I asked him.
ahhh, gotcha. So he violated the policy of joint agreement by hiring her. In that case, the decision is supposed to be rescinded. How can he get rid of her and hire a guy?
Unilateral decisions in POJAFrom Lovebusters, pg 170: [case study of wife Judy, who allowed her sister and BIL, Barbara and Jack, to move in with them when Jack lost his job. Judy's H, Bill, eventually moved out when the relatives would not leave]
How should the Policy of Joint Agreement be applied to a decision that has already been made unilaterally? The damage has already been done, so why not see it through to the bitter end? She wanted her sister and brother-in-law to stay until he could find a job, and from then on she would follow the Policy of Joint Agreement.
I explained to her that when the Policy of Joint Agreement has been violated, and a decision has been made without a joint agreement, a couple must correct the decision as soon as possible. In this case, it meant going back to her decision to invite Jack and Barbara to live with them and making that decision again, this time with the POJA in mind. Since she now knew that Bill would not agree to that arrangement, she had no choice but to ask her sister and BIL to find another place to live. As soon as Jack and Barbara moved out, Bill moved back in.
Thank you for answering, ML! I really appreciate it. I don't know if he can hire a guy at this time but I wrote him a letter explaining why I was hurt and not talking to him. I also wrote some conditions if he can't let this student go. I will also ask SH on Tuesday about this as well.
Mrs. Bricks,
I am also a WW who has followed both you and your H's post. I feel where you are coming from and am in a somewhat similar situation. My H just hired a 26 year old (cute) girl to work for him.
He says he felt obligated because she is the daughter of his bosses secretary and she needed the work. This however has really bothered me. He has been completely honest about hiring her and told me about her right away.
It just makes me really nervous, him working so close with a female. Mainly because that is exactly how my A started out.
What really bothers me is that he does not feel that his boundries have to as strong as mine. He always states that he would not have an affair but a year ago, I would have made the same statement.
My problem is that I feel like I don't have the grounds to force him to get rid of her. Especially since he did tell me about her prior to and is very open about working with her.
A part of me feels like I am just being overly jealous because of my own guilt but another part of me sees this as very dangerous especially after everything we have been through.
He said that he knows his boundaries and his EPs.
(How weird - I was just thinking about you and Bricks this very morning, and was wondering how the two of you were doing!)
Knowing boundaries and EPs and practicing them are two different things. It is dangerous behavior to be alone in a car with a co-worker of the opposite sex. He was not observing proper boundaries by doing this.
And it is alarming to me that he claims to not have felt his phone vibrate when you called.
It sounds like he didn't want to talk to you while she was in the car with him. Can you check his cell phone records? Was he in contact with anyone else during the same period of time that he wasn't in contact with you?
He said the girl did not have a car and that she needed to be there for the meeting.
I'm failing to see where that was his problem.
Mrs. Bricks,
I am also a WW who has followed both you and your H's post. I feel where you are coming from and am in a somewhat similar situation. My H just hired a 26 year old (cute) girl to work for him.
He says he felt obligated because she is the daughter of his bosses secretary and she needed the work. This however has really bothered me. He has been completely honest about hiring her and told me about her right away.
It just makes me really nervous, him working so close with a female. Mainly because that is exactly how my A started out.
What really bothers me is that he does not feel that his boundries have to as strong as mine. He always states that he would not have an affair but a year ago, I would have made the same statement.
My problem is that I feel like I don't have the grounds to force him to get rid of her. Especially since he did tell me about her prior to and is very open about working with her.
A part of me feels like I am just being overly jealous because of my own guilt but another part of me sees this as very dangerous especially after everything we have been through.
I feel the same way but I think it's more of the damage that I did, that's why I am more serious about the situation. I know I hurt him so much when I had an affair and can't imagine what I will feel if he did. I was actually kind of scared to tell him what I felt when I found out that he has hired a female grad student because of what I did. So, it took me 2 days to talk to him. So no love bank deposits then. I did not talk to him in person at first, I emailed him a long letter instead explaining everything. Then, I called him to check his email and he responded right away.
In that email, I told him that it is hard to fulfill his ENs and if he can't let go of this student right now, he has to adhere my conditions which are:
1.) Key logger on his work computer
2.) He has to record conversations with this said student
3.) He will never be in a car alone with her
4.) He will not worry on how she will get to the meeting
He agrees to all of this. I told him that I want to feel safe that's why I am doing this and he is welcome to check on me anytime if he wants to as well. He has copies of all my passwords - emails, account numbers and everything. I also said that he can put the key logger back in my laptop if he wants to. I have nothing to hide from him at all.
But one thing that really bothered him is when he asked me if I trust him and I said NO. I said, "You are a very trustworthy person but I don't trust people around you." BRICKS is a very down to earth person. He is by far the most reasonable person I know. He said, I trusted you but you had an affair. I said that you should not trust me, and you should verify everything that I tell you.
So, we will see. Thank you for following our post. Hope you tell your husband what you feel. POJA is very important at this time as well being Open and Honest about what you feel.
Mrs. Bricks,
I am also a WW who has followed both you and your H's post. I feel where you are coming from and am in a somewhat similar situation. My H just hired a 26 year old (cute) girl to work for him.
He says he felt obligated because she is the daughter of his bosses secretary and she needed the work. This however has really bothered me. He has been completely honest about hiring her and told me about her right away.
It just makes me really nervous, him working so close with a female. Mainly because that is exactly how my A started out.
What really bothers me is that he does not feel that his boundries have to as strong as mine. He always states that he would not have an affair but a year ago, I would have made the same statement.
My problem is that I feel like I don't have the grounds to force him to get rid of her. Especially since he did tell me about her prior to and is very open about working with her.
A part of me feels like I am just being overly jealous because of my own guilt but another part of me sees this as very dangerous especially after everything we have been through.
I feel the same way but I think it's more of the damage that I did, that's why I am more serious about the situation. I know I hurt him so much when I had an affair and can't imagine what I will feel if he did. I was actually kind of scared to tell him what I felt when I found out that he has hired a female grad student because of what I did. So, it took me 2 days to talk to him. So no love bank deposits then. I did not talk to him in person at first, I emailed him a long letter instead explaining everything. Then, I called him to check his email and he responded right away.
In that email, I told him that it is hard to fulfill his ENs and if he can't let go of this student right now, he has to adhere my conditions which are:
1.) Key logger on his work computer
2.) He has to record conversations with this said student
3.) He will never be in a car alone with her
4.) He will not worry on how she will get to the meeting
He agrees to all of this. I told him that I want to feel safe that's why I am doing this and he is welcome to check on me anytime if he wants to as well. He has copies of all my passwords - emails, account numbers and everything. I also said that he can put the key logger back in my laptop if he wants to. I have nothing to hide from him at all.
But one thing that really bothered him is when he asked me if I trust him and I said NO. I said, "You are a very trustworthy person but I don't trust people around you." BRICKS is a very down to earth person. He is by far the most reasonable person I know. He said, I trusted you but you had an affair. I said that you should not trust me, and you should verify everything that I tell you.
So, we will see. Thank you for following our post. Hope you tell your husband what you feel. POJA is very important at this time as well being Open and Honest about what you feel.
Thank you Mrs. Bricks for responding back to my post. I think I am also going to write my husband a letter. I have actually done this a few times already. It helps me clearly get my thoughts out and he really seems to process my words better when they are written down vs. me rambling to him.
It is so funny the trust conversation that you had with Mr. Bricks is identical to several conversations my H and I have had. He always brings up that he completely trusted me and I tell him that he should never completely trust anyone.
I also agree that it is not necessarily that I do not trust my H but I do not trust some of the situations he puts himself in. I would never have thought myself a person to have two affairs but looking back at my boundries and the position I put myself in shows me that I should have never allowed myself to even get into the predicaments that I did.
I am changing everything I do now and look at both people and situations so much differently. My H however feels that he is a stronger person and he does not need to set his boundries that high. I disagree and feel that ANYONE can and will have an A if they put themselves into a tempting situation.
In that email, I told him that it is hard to fulfill his ENs and if he can't let go of this student right now, he has to adhere my conditions which are:
1.) Key logger on his work computer
2.) He has to record conversations with this said student
3.) He will never be in a car alone with her
4.) He will not worry on how she will get to the meeting
He agrees to all of this.
I would strong advise you to choose the option of Mr Bricks letting her go and hiring a man. My STBX had workplace affairs while working closely with younger women so maybe I am having a knee jerk reaction, but I dunno, keeping her a secret, arranging to meet her to carpool two mins from the house, taking the nicer car, etc, big red flags that at the very least he has an attraction to her.
Also I would take it a step further than looking at EPs.
He has signs of a secret second life that predate your A because you said he hired this woman six months ago and didn't tell you, even though he knows this is not something you would be comfortable with.
Showing shock/upset that you don't "trust" them when caught lying is also a sign of someone who has a secret second life. And erasing emails and not telling you details of their day.
Please read up the articles in the Q&A section about having a spouse that is not O&H. Sleeping on the couch isn't the way to handle it. You should be encouraging him to share all the details of his day and be positive when he does, don't punish him to get your way. In addition to watching him closely...
(How weird - I was just thinking about you and Bricks this very morning, and was wondering how the two of you were doing!)
Thank you for thinking of us, maritalbliss! Sorry for not responding earlier as I am at work. But, we are actually doing good until this incident happened. I will let BRICKS know.
Knowing boundaries and EPs and practicing them are two different things. It is dangerous behavior to be alone in a car with a co-worker of the opposite sex. He was not observing proper boundaries by doing this.
I told him this and he got upset but later understood. We are talking with SH tomorrow and see what he thinks. I think if SH tells him to let go of this student, he will do it. He can actually get rid of her easily with no reason but he feels bad. So, there's no written contract at all which is good.
And it is alarming to me that he claims to not have felt his phone vibrate when you called.
I looked at his phone history and it looked like he was on the phone with his colleague around the same time I called so it might be why it did not vibrate.
It sounds like he didn't want to talk to you while she was in the car with him. Can you check his cell phone records? Was he in contact with anyone else during the same period of time that he wasn't in contact with you?
This is what I was thinking as well. He could have called me on his way home from the meeting, but he did not. BRICKS is a very shy person and feels bad hurting other people's feelings.
As far as his problem on how the girl is going to be at the meeting, I told him that this should not be a problem of his.
I would strong advise you to choose the option of Mr Bricks letting her go and hiring a man. My STBX had workplace affairs while working closely with younger women so maybe I am having a knee jerk reaction, but I dunno, keeping her a secret, arranging to meet her to carpool two mins from the house, taking the nicer car, etc, big red flags that at the very least he has an attraction to her.
Thank you for responding, SusieQ! We are talking with SH tomorrow and this will be my topic. Yeah, I don't like all of his choices.
Also I would take it a step further than looking at EPs.
So, he should have EPs established as well?
He has signs of a secret second life that predate your A because you said he hired this woman six months ago and didn't tell you, even though he knows this is not something you would be comfortable with.
That's what I told him but he said, "If I told you six months ago, you won't care anyway." I said, you don't know how I am going to react then. I guess he was referring to the fact that I was on the affair "stage" at that time.
Showing shock/upset that you don't "trust" them when caught lying is also a sign of someone who has a secret second life. And erasing emails and not telling you details of their day.
I will be installing the key logger on Wednesday and he gave me all his passwords so I will be checking more often.
Please read up the articles in the Q&A section about having a spouse that is not O&H. Sleeping on the couch isn't the way to handle it. You should be encouraging him to share all the details of his day and be positive when he does, don't punish him to get your way. In addition to watching him closely...
Thank you. I will make sure to read that section. When he got home Thursday after I confronted him about the incident. He did not approach me so we can talk about it. He went to sleep without talking to me. I wanted him to approach me because he has hurt me but he did not. I did not feel comfortable being in the same bed if we are not in good terms. He called me the next day about 6 times and I ignored all of them. We started talking Saturday after I called him that I emailed him. He responded to my email right away and I called him to thanked him. I used to talk to him right away if something is bothering me but after I had an affair and we started working with MB principles, I am more hesitant because I want to think first and write everything before I talk to him. I am not "quick to anger" like I was before. When I got home that Saturday after a study group, I approached him so we can talk.
Thank you Mrs. Bricks for responding back to my post. I think I am also going to write my husband a letter. I have actually done this a few times already. It helps me clearly get my thoughts out and he really seems to process my words better when they are written down vs. me rambling to him.
You are very welcome! I used to be really bad but not I have calmed down.
I also agree that it is not necessarily that I do not trust my H but I do not trust some of the situations he puts himself in. I would never have thought myself a person to have two affairs but looking back at my boundries and the position I put myself in shows me that I should have never allowed myself to even get into the predicaments that I did.
Me, too! There was girl student that he hired 10 years ago and then let her go after I insisted. This girl would email my husband if he misses her or not. He knows what I feel about him working closely with the opposite sex.
I am changing everything I do now and look at both people and situations so much differently. My H however feels that he is a stronger person and he does not need to set his boundries that high. I disagree and feel that ANYONE can and will have an A if they put themselves into a tempting situation.
Me, too! I learned so much from this forum and Dr. Harley's books since the affair. It's sad that something like this has to happen so we can have a better marriage.
BRICKS is a very shy person and feels bad hurting other people's feelings.
This is not a good excuse for allowing boundaries to be dismantled. His failure to allow his boundaries to take second-seat to the possibility of hurting someone's feelings is a bad choice. He put himself and your marriage in harm's way by allowing someone else's feelings to take precedence over his boundaries. This should NEVER happen.
I am still concerned that he claims he didn't hear his phone vibrate, and I am quite convinced that he knew you called and didn't pick up because he had this woman in the car with him. He would have heard an alert if he had been on the phone when you called.
I'm not saying he's having an affair - yet. I'm saying he's operating in a reckless fashion.
If he's having trouble understanding this, tell him to come back here and MaritalBliss will discuss this at length with him.
When I say that it sounds like Bricks has a history of a SSL (secret second life) that doesn't mean he doesn't need EPs. It means in addition to the EPs, that he needs to work on being radically honest (and you can aid in this by reading the articles I directed you to) and it also means there could be more to his SSL that you don't know about...like this:
There was girl student that he hired 10 years ago and then let her go after I insisted. This girl would email my husband if he misses her or not. He knows what I feel about him working closely with the opposite sex.
My STBX only exchanged "miss ya"'s with skanks when it had risen to the level of an EA.
Can you tell us more about this relationship? What did he admit to other than the emails that you found?
This is not a good excuse for allowing boundaries to be dismantled. His failure to allow his boundaries to take second-seat to the possibility of hurting someone's feelings is a bad choice. He put himself and your marriage in harm's way by allowing someone else's feelings to take precedence over his boundaries. This should NEVER happen.
BRICKS don't see this like it is. He keeps saying that he was not the one who had an affair.
I am still concerned that he claims he didn't hear his phone vibrate, and I am quite convinced that he knew you called and didn't pick up because he had this woman in the car with him. He would have heard an alert if he had been on the phone when you called. I'm not saying he's having an affair - yet. I'm saying he's operating in a reckless fashion.
I don't know what to think at this time. It's hard to assume everything. I don't have any feelings that he is having an affair but I don't know.
If he's having trouble understanding this, tell him to come back here and MaritalBliss will discuss this at length with him.
I told him to come back here so he can explain himself but he refused. He was very glad that I came here to ask for help, though.
I told him to come back here so he can explain himself but he refused. He was very glad that I came here to ask for help, though.
So, he's very glad that you came here to ask for help, but refuses to do so himself?
He's refuses because he knows what he is doing is wrong and doesn't want to face the truth by coming here asking everyone's opinions when he already knows what he's going to get in reply.
Bricks, you need to jump back on your thread and let some good folks pound some sense into you, buddy. You are walking a dangerous path here.
When I say that it sounds like Bricks has a history of a SSL (secret second life) that doesn't mean he doesn't need EPs. It means in addition to the EPs, that he needs to work on being radically honest (and you can aid in this by reading the articles I directed you to) and it also means there could be more to his SSL that you don't know about...
My STBX only exchanged "miss ya"'s with skanks when it had risen to the level of an EA.
Can you tell us more about this relationship? What did he admit to other than the emails that you found?
BRICKS is a professor, so once in a while he has to hire a grad student to help him with a project and he pays that student for the work that they will be doing. He's like a Boss in a way. When he hires someone, he kind of mentor them about what to do in a project so a student has to report to him, be it in email or in person. This student in particular was gone for a few weeks and when she came back, she wrote in the email saying "Did you miss me?" It bothered me so much that I had to ask him if there was something going on that I should know about. He said No. But I insisted to let go of that student because BRICKS is in a position where a student can make up some story that is not true and it will ruin his reputation. I asked him to email that student and let her know that he is married and saying those things is very inappropriate. That student stopped communicating after that email. This happened about 8-10 years ago.
I just finished talking to BRICKS and asked him, "What if SH says that you are NOT to hire a female student, what will you do?" He said, I would never fire that student because it's unethical and it is not the right thing to do. So, I told him that if you were to choose between our marriage and this person, you just chose her, your job and your ethics. Then I told him that there's really no reason why we are working with SH in the first place and why you asked me to stay in the house after I had an affair. Then he got mad, really mad that he started yelling why he has to suffer when I was the one who had an affair in the first place.
I don't know what to do. Am I being unfair? He wants to continue working with this student under my conditions without problems, though. He don't see any reason why he can't hire a female student.
So, he's very glad that you came here to ask for help, but refuses to do so himself?
He's refuses because he knows what he is doing is wrong and doesn't want to face the truth by coming here asking everyone's opinions when he already knows what he's going to get in reply.
Bricks, you need to jump back on your thread and let some good folks pound some sense into you, buddy. You are walking a dangerous path here.
I wanted him to come back here so that he can at least explain his side of the story. I don't know what to think now. I feel like he gives more priority to this student than to me and our marriage. I guess this is karma and if it is, I deserved it and will face the consequence.
BRICKS don't see this like it is. He keeps saying that he was not the one who had an affair.
What does that have to do with
his boundaries? Have you asked him to come back here to talk with us?
What does that have to do with his boundaries? Have you asked him to come back here to talk with us?
I think he understands now. We talked with SH this morning. I asked him to come back and talk to all of you but I don't know if he's going to do that.
I think he understands now. We talked with SH this morning. I asked him to come back and talk to all of you but I don't know if he's going to do that.
Has he explained why he doens't want to talk to us?
This is what BRICKS said:
"I am not saying that they didn't have valuable information but because I am getting advice from SH, I am not open to other suggestions on what to �do and I just feel bad and remember the situation. It brings me back to the beginning again and brings back bad memories."
Regarding hiring students, it may be illegal for him to discriminate based on sex.
This is what BRICKS said:
"I am not saying that they didn't have valuable information but because I am getting advice from SH, I am not open to other suggestions on what to �do and I just feel bad and remember the situation. It brings me back to the beginning again and brings back bad memories."
May I gently suggest to Bricks that he needs to allow the poison to be released? He sounds likes he would prefer to bury the pain. That doesn't work.
I'm not sure I understand: the two of you are counselling with Steve, and that doesn't 'bring back bad memories'?
I agree but where do you draw the line? Spending time with the opposite sex will eventually lead to fulfillment of some of the emotional needs and thus dropping our guard down with poor boundaries.
If that is important to you to feel safe, then he needs to find a job where he does not work closely with people, or that is entirely dominated by men. In academia, depending on the field, that may not be possible as collaborations, projects, and graduate supervision cannot be deliberately structured to exclude women (or men).
I'm not sure I understand: the two of you are counselling with Steve, and that doesn't 'bring back bad memories'?
He asked me many times if I wanted him to come back here and start posting, I told him that I am okay with it as long as he wants to but don't spend too much time on it. I said it is nice to open up to people about what you feel so you don't feel like you are alone in this. It will be helpful for him to talk to all of you but I can't force him if he doesn't really want to.
Counseling with SH does bring back bad memories but it also help us deal with it and focus more of what is to be done to have a better marriage. I am not saying that all of you are not helping us achieve this, it's just that we follow his plans because it is geared to us alone. Same principle apply to everyone but some things might not be suitable to others.
If that is important to you to feel safe, then he needs to find a job where he does not work closely with people, or that is entirely dominated by men. In academia, depending on the field, that may not be possible as collaborations, projects, and graduate supervision cannot be deliberately structured to exclude women (or men).
I am not saying that he cannot work side by side with women ever again due to the fact that it's not even possible. He hired this student without letting me know and kept it from me because he knows I won't be happy with it. Having a graduate student will involve mentoring, a lot of meetings about the project in and out of the office, teaching about how the project will be accomplished and will take some time to finish. For instance, this is a 2 year project. The student doesn't even have an experience working on this particular one but because she is a good student and recommended by many, she was picked because she happens to be there at the right time. There are male students that he can hire but chose her instead. I also found out that when the project was offered to her, she is not even enrolled as a grad student then. So, I don't know how to make out of it. SH asked him, a different job but married or tenured but divorced? I can probably be okay with him working with this female student with some conditions such as installing key logger on his work computer and no driving alone to meetings with this student but because the project doesn't end till October 2013, I told him that I am not sure I can be okay with this for that long. So, he decided on giving up this student to the other professor but will continue to pay her until the project is finished and he's hiring a male student to finish this project.
I am happy with his decision but kind of sad that I had the nerve to ask him to make his job a little harder when in fact I was the one who had an affair.
The university probably wont allow a keylogger on his computer. Their security would probably detect it.
But it sounds like you two were able to resolve it.
Sex discrimination is illegal in the workplace. I own a small business and if a man or woman interviews for a position I cant tell them: I only hire male (or females)....
With both sexes working, I dont know how he will ever be able to satisfy your requirement of only same sex employees. Eventually, the University will ask him why he wont hire females....then he can kiss his tenure GOODBYE when they hear his answer (because his wife wont let him?)
Thanks, HDW!
Sorry for the late reply. The key logger is still ongoing and I didn't find anything unusual as I thought. Yes, it was resolved. The student now is transferred to another professor and BRICKS hired a male student to continue the project. You are right about sex discrimination being illegal in the workplace. We will talk and decide appropriately when this arises again. Maybe it won't bother me so much if he didn't hide it from me.
I have some questions for the Vets or anyone who is in counseling or had counseling with SH. How many months did you all avail his services and what did you do when you are not in counseling anymore? Did you order a home course material so you can still continue or you just did it on your own using his teachings? We ended with our session last week after our 3 - "5 sessions package." We like SH a lot and will miss talking to him every week but it is too expensive but so worth every penny. Thank you in advance.
We still continue to plan our weekly UA ( 16-18 hours ) and tried so hard to meet our goal of more than 15 hours. We still do our plan of work ( our ENs ) with check marks if fulfilled and we make it a point to always include each other to whatever decision we may have.