You have the advantage because you've had the kids for so long, but don't depend on that alone. Start journaling in case he does decide to go for custody. Judges won't like men who don't visit for eons suddenly wanting full/half and half custody.

Do you guys really think that my XH could fight for custody and win? I mean, he hasn't been paying the amount of cs that he is supposed to pay. He never calls the boys. He visits once or twice a year. I'm worried though that he will somehow get into a better place financially and try to use that as leverage. Idk. What do you think the chances are of him actually getting custody someday? He has threatened me saying that I have the kids now but one day it won't be like this anymore. He makes threats like that a lot.

I would not waste mental energy worrying about that remote possibility. Instead focus on your children and don't do anything to violate the custody/visitation agreement.

Yea I need to stop worrying about things he might try to do. He just pisses me off so much bc he is such a deadbeat! I am disgusted with him and I just worry about the kids and how they feel knowing what their dad did and the fact that their dad doesn't come to see them very often. Of course, deadbeat blames me. I told the kids the truth about what their father did. About the A and I told them that it is their dad's choice to stay in CA and that he chooses to stay there bc he wants to. Not bc he has to. They are really hurt by their dad and my H now is trying to fill that void. Will my H now be able to help my kids in that way, even though I know it's not the same as having their biological father be there for them. I just want them to have a father/son R bc they are not getting that from their dad. I am so sad for my kids.

He is trying to make you feel fear. He is trying to feel powerful.

Do not be afraid. Be strong and dignified and seek legal advice when needed.

I think that you need to fill the void left by Daddy. You need to be the rock. Your new H can be your rock. He can be a good, decent guy and model a good man but you will need to be the parent who is doing the job of mom/dad each day. Day in and day out.
If your Ex ever has contact with the kids, he will need to create his own relationship with them good or bad. You are not the referee. You are the anchor for them to tie their spirits to.

You should write down where and when your H does any fatherly duties, or neglects to do so (good and bad). Journaling, accurately, helps your case greatly.

I agree. THat is good advice, thank you! I have always felt like I have been the rock for my kids, even when I was still married to my ex. Even more so now! And I am going to definitely start journaling. XH hasn't contacted the kids for one month. Nothing, no phone calls or emails.

Reading, I understand that you say I have to be mom/dad to my kids now bc their father is not here. I just feel so drained. It is so unfair. It is the same story with my H, he has two daughters and he is left with all the responsibility while the mother of the girls is off with her new H and never takes the girls for a weekend or anything. She rarely sees them and she lives in the same city as them. I know my H and I connected a lot bc of what we have been through. And it is comforting to have one another and we understand the responsibility is on us to raise all of our kids. It just is so frustrating to both of us, that his XW and my XH are such deadbeats. I am so tired everyday bc I do everything for my kids. It pisses me off so much that my XH is freeloading in california and does whatever he wants, whenever he wants. I can't even get a shower when I want to. I have to meet all of my kids needs before I can even clean myself up. I don't get enough sleep. I have to work full time while going to school bc I do not receive cs. I am so mad. I am paying for everything he destroyed. And don't get me wrong, I am glad to be with my new H and our new family. We are working each day to make our M strong and for our kids to feel safe. I am devoted to creating a strong M. I am just PISSED off so much about my XH, bc my kids want to see their dad and they want a R with him. And to be honest, it would be nice to get a break once in awhile! If he could actually be a father and take part in raising them and caring for them then this would be a lot easier. I dont understand why waywards get away with [censored] all the time.

The issue Tink is your life won't get any easier until you recognize and acknowledge you volunteered for all of this.

It seems to me that waywards can destroy an entire family and hurt so many people, especially their children, and then they just go about life like they have been "set free" or "enlightened". I mean, really? wth? I am so tired of waywards living in fantasy world while the rest of us BS are left with REALITY. It is like we are the grown ups and they are the bad children who never listen and turn out to be selfish little monsters.

Hi PI.....what do you mean I volunteered for all of this? Are you talking about my new M? I understand that, I did volunteer for that. I want to be married. I love him and I love our children, all of them! But regarding my 3 boys, I did NOT volunteer for their father to have an A and to leave and to never see them or take care of them. That is what I am mad about. I am left with reality. The reality of children who are having emotional issues bc of their father and I am there for them, but they also want their dad. And I can't force their dad to see them or to take care of them. I do not understand why you say I volunteered for that....

Tink ... there is no time for a pity party. There is only time to be a parent. You volunteered to be a parent. As unfair as your xWH's behavior ... you still volunteered for it. You chose to have 3 kids ... you chose to move back to Iowa ... you chose to leave California ... you chose to raise these children on your own ... you made these decisions.

You are living your choices, and only you have the power to do something about it. Life isn't fair. Life is hard. Their father's actions have nothing to do with you. That is his side of the fence ... those are his choices. Yes they are cruel, they are abusive, and they are painful. The fact is you also made decisions, and now you must be responsible for your choices.

If you want your children to be part of his life, then move to California. You cannot control the freeloader ... he will continue to do what he wants. You can control you. If you want something to happen, then make it happen. Otherwise accept the choices you made and live life to the fullest.

Your kids didn't sign up for this either ... you brought them into this. There will be a time for you when you finish raising them ... until then I guess simplify your life so you can free up your priorities.

I only say this because I live an identical situation. The greatest gift MB has taught me is to stop trying to control a wayward. I can only control myself.

PI, I understand that I made choices to leave CA and to raise my kids without their father. I made that chose because of his A and HIS behavior. I do not see how I "brought my kids into this".......it seems to me that you are justifying the wayward and saying that that's just how life is....and that it is somehow my fault that they do not have a father. Why the hell would I move my kids to CA? Their father is living a hedonistic and freewheeling lifestyle out there. I cannot afford to live out there and I hate California for many reasons. So basically you are saying that the BS needs to suck it up and let the wayward do whatever the [censored] they want to do. really? I know I cannot control him but I thought I could vent to people who should understand. I guess not since you are blaming me and saying I brought my kids into this mess. How the hell did I do that? HE is the one who LEFT. He had the A, he DESTROYED the M. So again, how is that MY fault?????!!!!!

Not your fault.

And you moved back home to be near family and away from the betrayel and strange environment.

and.....certainly none of it is fair. No part of infedelity in marriage is fair. It is independant behaviour and cruel.

You do get to vent here.

thank you, maybe i overreacted, but it seemed that PI was trying to turn everything onto me. i already feel guilty enough that the boys do not have their father. i know i chose to bring them to iowa, and i think it was the right choice. i'm just exhausted and i know life isn't fair, but i hope for some sort of justice. i am not a mom who wants all their time to themselves, but i just want time to take a shower or put on my makeup without being pecked to death by my kids. and they are fighting a lot lately which drives me nuts. they do not listen to me and i try to discipline them. i try and i just want to give up sometimes. but i am NOT like the wayward. i don't run away and leave train wrecks behind me.

Of course you can vent, but venting isn't solving your problems is it?

I am giving you solutions to your issues. The first solution is to accept your reality.

The second solution is to do something about it.

You can sit here and feel sorry for yourself, or you can pick yourself up and change what is happening.

The kids are fighting ... only you can fix that. You are their parent, and it is your responsibility to make sure they do not fight.

It also sounds like you expected your current husband to take on a lot of the fatherly roles your xWH has abandoned. Dr. Harley advises against this because it is disastrous to a marriage.

Your situation needs solutions.

Your children do not deserve to see a mother, who is actively blaming others for a life she chose to create. I understand you xWH is a bad man and bad father. He is no longer part of your problem. You are divorced, and he has checked out of your lives completely. The best you will get from him is his money. You can expect nothing else.

You cannot expect anything from him, so what are you going to do to fix your current situation?

If Iowa is the best place for you, then you signed up to be a very very very single parent. As unfair as that may be ... you made that choice. It sounds like it was a good choice for you. How can you make Iowa a great place to raise a family? What are you going to do to make your family peaceful?

Here is what I suggest.

1) Establish Order and Discipline concerning all children using POJA with your husband.
2) Determine how you can get some time in for yourself, and then POJA it with your husband.
3) Follow through methodically with all POJA decisions.
4) Determine how you will get 15+ hours of UA time in each week.

This suggests to me you are making decisions based solely on emotion. That is dangerous and very dangerous for your current marriage.

Please read Dr. Harley's HNHN for parents, study it and write out your solutions.

Sitting around pining away for some justice or solace from your xWH will do nothing but cause a nervous breakdown.

Plan B him and move on with your life. He is taking up way too much space in your already hectic and busy life.

Tink, moving closer to your family was going WITH what DrH would suggest for you. I remember being one who agreed with that idea. Your xWH wouldn't be involved in your children's lives if you were to move back to CA.

What I am concerned with now(Other than perhaps getting you outta the drama with your XWH by entering PLan B) is this new marriage. You are commenting that you have barely any time to take a shower, how is the UA time coming along then? Is your current DH on board with MB?

Thank you for the replies and the advice. PI- I see your point more clearly now. I do need to plan B the XH and forget about him. I am only making it worse and I see that. I do waste time thinking about stuff regarding him and it makes me feel worse. I realize that I chose to move the kids and I chose to live a single life. I also agree that my H does not need to fill the role as a father to my kids, but I know he will be a role model. I asked that question before because I was confused about what to do regarding that in a blended family. I do not try to play mother to my stepdaughters either. I leave that to their dad.

scotland-It is during the day that I do not have time to do anything without kids surrounding me. I cannot take a shower without someone interrupting me or something like that. This is when my H is at work and I am home by myself with the two little ones. 4 yr old and 2 yr old. The older girls, my stepdaugthers are very good at listening and they listen to their father. They help out around the house and with the kids when it is needed. As far as 15 hrs of UA each week, we are not getting that. My H agrees with it, but bc of his work schedule ( 6 days a week, including 3 nights a week) and the kids it seems that we do not get enough of that time alone. We do make time each evening, around 8pm to be together after the kids are in bed and the big girls are in their rooms. Obviously I know we need more than an hour each night. We do call eachother throughout the day and text as well. This is everyday, we make sure to do that. Also, on his day off, Sunday, we spend the whole day together with the kids. Then in the evening we usually get a couple hours. I would like to have atleast 1 night a week where someone watches the kids and we have more than 1 hour together alone. I would be really happy with that, plus the sundays that are family days. I am talking about it to him tonight. Do you think that is a decent start? with 5 kids it is hard. but we knew that from the beginning and we agreed to get through it, no matter what.

Get a support system (other moms) who can watch the youngones often so you can meet dh for lunch, etc.

Get those hours in!

Make it happen.