I am sorry to hear this. What you describe is not a separation though. It is a classic stunt usually employed by manipulative wayward wives. They move into the guest bedroom, pronounce themselves "separated" and then start running around like an alley cat in heat. Is her plan to start dating?

Have you been snooping to rule out an affair?

I would do some serious snooping and NOT cooperate with her "separation" ploy. You are not "separated" if you still live together.

MelodyLane. Again this forum heads in the wrong direction. She will not be out there like an alley cat as you say, that is just not who my wife is. She is doing this for our kids so that they can have both parents around and I guess for herself so she does not miss out on things with them and for me so I dont either. Say what you will but I am grateful she came to this decision because it means I dont lose my kids. Whatever she does outside the marriage is up to her and her conscience. I do not believe she will be looking for other people. I still hold out faint hope that we may be able to reconcile one day when she finally loses some of her hate and resentment but it will take a long time

If she were doing this for your kids, as you say, she would be working on your marriage. But she is not. What is best for your kids is to have 2 in love parents in a secure marriage. That is in your children's best interest. The only interest served by her moving into the guest bedroom and announcing she is "separated" - when she is actually not - is her OWN selfish interest. It does not help you or your kids one bit. I suspect she believes it will enable her to cat around in the mistaken notion that calling herself "separated" is an entitlement to adultery. But, that is not how it works in the real world.

Many a wayward wife has pulled this stunt in order to maintain the security of her home and her husband while she carries on an affair. Staying in the home makes her feel less guilty about breaking up your marriage.


As long as she is married, nothing she does is "outside the marriage." Everything she does is your business and your childrens business because it direclty affects you all. And it will be a disaster to you mentally and to your children if she commits adultery while operating out of your family home. If your wife does "see" other people it will be ADULTERY, plain and simple. Moving into the guest room does not entitle one to commit adultery. If she does commit adultery it will be a horrible example to set for your children. Hopefully you are not signing up for that.


First off, you have to split up in order to "reconcile." You have not split up. Your wife is simply sleeping in the bedroom. And your bad marriage will not get better without a plan. Hope is not a plan.

I feel sad for you and your kids because of what you are facing. Hopefully you wake up at some point and start taking steps to save your marriage.

nb1712,

Whatever she does outside the marriage is up to her and her conscience.

The effects of what she does outside of marriage will however bear heavily upon you and your children.

Your W wrote about entering a fitness competition I would assume she is very attractive. I can tell you from experience that it is very difficult to be married to a good looking woman who is unavailable to you. You can double that in the case where she is more attractive than you are, as many people have innocently reminded me. I hope you are able to work this out and don't end up doing all the lifting in your sex life for 20+ years the way I did.

God Bless
Gamma

nb, have you taken any of our advice to snoop and rule out an affair?

Bit ofa catch up.

Melodylane, I did some snooping, was caught in her facebook account and this has done far more harm then good. She no longer trusts me and this has pushed her further away. Also I realise I have trying to push intimacy on her too much as she does not want it but I do and find it difficult to accept the constant rejection and this is causing further friction between us.

She is staying in the house still for the kids but she says we are "separated" and wants to remove wedding rings. She keeps saying the relationship is over and she hates me and will never entertain thoughts of trying to make things better and I should go and see a psychologist because I am a fool to try and want to work things out. The worst part is through all this I still only see myself being with her although I feel some temptation from co-workers at the moment simply because my emotional needs are not being met. And despite the earlier post I am not unattractive in my own right, even though my wife is an atrtactive woman.

I have tried to set out a plan for a gradual recovery of small affectionate touches, hugs and kisses over a long period with definitive boundaries at each step so we can slowly rebuild what has been lost but she will have none of it.

Does anyone have any ideas? If I back way off I feel that will definitely end it but clearly smothering her is not helping either. I dont want to explore the other female options out there but I am struggling without any emotional needs being met.

Oh and please, no crap about affairs, I have questioned her and snooped and it is not happening. So some real help please

You are NOT separated.

Separation means living apart and filing separation. She is doing whatever the hell she wants to do outside her marriage while keeping the financial security of a home and income for her family. How many people do you know grew up in homes where their parents hated each other and they didn't know it? Come on. Lying to your children is to deceive them of what a real marriage should be like.

Other "temptations" with co-workers will lead you to tarnish your reputation/career, commit your own adultery, spending time with women foolish enough to date a man still living with his wife, and most of all, draw your energy away from saving your family.

If she wants to "separate", she can move out and file for separation. Until then, do not allow her to run around and tell people that you are separated. Tell them the truth. You are NOT separated and she is acting like a fool.

Have you checked her cell phone records for unrecognized callers. Who is her trainer. Have you actually seen her at the gym for 2 hours and who is she with? Sorry, but who continues to live in a separate bedroom and tell others they are separated without the intention of dating others? Does that make ANY sense?

Here's an excellent radio clip from Dr. Harley himself answers a question about a wife wanting to seperate from her husband, at the 6:50 mark.

Radio clip

Also an excellent article by Dr. H about snooping in a marriage.
Snooping in a marriage is it right or wrong?

Another excellent radio clip from Dr. Harley talking about what are red flags in a marriage.

Radio Clip on Snooping and Sharing Passwords

Nb1712, ask yourself why she would object to your looking in her Facebook unless she had something to hide? Hiding things from a spouse is a sign of an affair. People who have nothing to hide, dont hide. Obviously, she has something to hide. It is inane to say that YOU are the untrustworthy one when it is SHE who is hiding things.

You want help? Then get your head out of the sand and dig out her affair. She is having an affair and there is nothing you can do until you dig it out and expose it. You are wasting your time until that happens.

And quit saying you are "separated." That is just silly.

The longer you ignore us, the harder it will be to turn this around. You are in serious denial and will lose your wife if you don't snap out of it!

She's hiding things on FB.

She may not be always going to the gym.

You won't put a GPS on her car or verify if she is at the gym.

NB, I recommend getting MB coaching. Even one session can give you the insight to turn your marriage around.

Sounds like your wife has years of built up resentment: probably because you weren't meeting each others' emotional needs and possibly because of love busters. Sounds like she is in withdrawal. Also sounds like your efforts to reconcile with her were perceived as you trying to get YOUR needs met - which she interpreted as selfishness on your part.

She has become so uncomfortable around you that she has decided to live an independent lifestyle. You didn't take care of her, so she will "take care of herself."

It will take a while to win her back, but it can be done. You'll know she's coming back when she starts arguing with you. (the state of conflict) Your job will be to gently guide her to the state of intimacy.

Read this article, and call the Harley's for coaching. Good luck!

The Three Statesw of Mind in Marriage
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html

NB, continue reading this too, "How one spouse can lead the other back to intimacy"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3620_state.html

You will have to overcome your instincts for a while - not easy, but you can do it!

When you're ready for the "advanced" class,;) read this article about the Policy of Joint Agreement. It's the only way to have a great marriage.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html

So, let me summarize:

She wants to basically continue to receive HER critical ENs from you (financial support, shared child care, the facade of "marriage") while denying you YOURS (intimate conversation, sexual fulfillment, admiration, appreciation).

Given the rather stark appearance when laid out like that, what is YOUR counter-offer, NB?

Zhamila, it sounds very much like his wife is having an affair and we need to keep him focused on that until he rules it out. He WANTS to be distracted by focusing on other things, but that will harm his chances if his wife is having an affair. Please help this poster stay focused on the issue at hand.

I agree MelodyLane - I somehow missed the FB snooping part. Her defensiveness about snooping is a big red flag.

I do still think a solid Plan A will be helpful, and all the articles will come in handy either way...just maybe after discovery.

NB,
I discovered MB a little too late (found MB in October 2011 and H's EA was in March-April 2011). We wasted tons of money and time on two marriage counselors - the second MC who gave terrible advice. Steve Harley is now trying to correct our situation, get my H on board. There was a lot of fear and procrastination on my part. DO NOT DO WHAT I DID - Since you have found MB, get with this ASAP and follow the posters' advice RIGHT NOW.

My H was going to the gym a lot, and I later found out she was working out there also. Sorry, but you need to snoop even more. It may not come natural to you, but you have to go with her to the gym....either unannounced or accompany her at the last minute. If you insist on going with her at the last minute, pay attention if she sneaks to the bathroom with her purse/phone to text OM to alert him...hmmm...now that I just texted that, I think you should show up unannounced....get a sitter for the kids, do whatever you need to do. Pay attention to her reaction when she sees you.

If you don't handle this the proper way, you be limping along like me in 6 months. You HAVE to follow everyone's advice RIGHT NOW. Understand?

((hugs))

If your wife works out a lot, suggest you guys work out at home, maybe order some Beach Body/P90X stuff. See what her reaction is if you mention this.

If it hasn't been said enough, I'll say it one more time, her getting upset about you being in her FB account should set an alarm in yo head.

My wife and I don't 'snoop' on each other but we both have all the passwords to each others FB and email accts. People get secretive when they have something to hide.

I remember on two occassions which I was uncomfortable with her talking to two different individuals. I told her that I did not want her communicating with those people. Her response was an 'No problem. Done.'

As my wife puts it, a husband has a right to know who their wife is talking to and if they do not like those people she is talking to, then she should respect that wish. No other man should be more important than your husband. This the attitude your wife should have. And, of course, it goes the same for the husband also.

She wants to basically continue to receive HER critical ENs from you...while denying you YOURS...what is YOUR counter-offer, NB?

If it takes four days to answer this question, that's probably an indicator of a problem!

alis this is so correct. I see the same thing with my WW. Last year she abruptly left me in August and she filed for divorce. I was shocked. She made a list of my shortcomings citing them as a main reason for divorce. I thought that was the case and started working on myself diligently with my therapist's help. It is just recently that I found out that the true reason was OM1 who she was having EA and PA. From November last year till March this year we tried to reconcile. Then she told me that I "abused" her few times long time ago and she cannot get over that and that we cannot stay married. I did not know that OM2 entered her life already and she had EA and PA with him tue.

The real abuse came from her. I decided to expose these affairs and regain my power regardless of whether I will stay married or not.

It is amazing how some of the same patterns emerge. Thank you all veterans for seeing our fog and helping us see through it! I love my WW but I think of her as a drug addict.