That's what we've been doing, for the most part. It's only on occasion that I get these emails from her and I tend to ignore them and simply respond to what matters with the kids.

Yep, just read the thread. It's what we've basically been doing for years, but she occasionally tries to engage outside of those parameters.

I simply find it confusing that she somehow expects me to be all warm and fuzzy and has stated repeatedly that she thinks things would be further along and that we'd be friendly.

I don't know if it's worth educating her or not. I have no desire to be a friend with her. I forgave long ago, but I haven't forgotten. She's like a co-worker you don't like but that you work with to get the job done. You interact when necessary, but other than that you don't.

I think she imagined a "friendly divorce" where her and her bf would hang out and be all buds with my DW and I. It's been 6 years. She's the one who left. Why she cares what I think is puzzling. Is this normal WXW behavior?

Of course it's normal. After all, they only ripped your heart out and stomped on it. Why on earth don't you want to be friends? You're remarried! The slate is clean!

Why can't you say what a great person they are?

/sarcasm

Has she remarried? I forget.

Has she remarried?

I do find some WW have a tougher time moving on. Women in general play games.

Congratulations on your good news! A baby is wonderful news.

You'll find a way to blend. Just keep reassuring the kids who are here already. Get them involved in the baby's care and welfare.

Could this turn of events be playing a role in your ex wife's behavior? It could be bringing up a lot of primal stuff for her.

You've really moved on.

She doesn't know about the pregnancy. I told the kids. If they tell her, great. If not, just as good. I really don't care.

She didn't know about the pregnancy when she started the latest rant. I still don't know if she knows or not.

Her response to what I said:

I don't know why I bother trying to talk through things with you. It never seems to go anywhere and you always resort back to the same thing...I'm horrible, you're the victim, my intentions are selfish, yours are honorable, I would never do anything nice and must have some agenda, everything u do though is for the kids. It's ridiculous things are still like this at that you jump back to the same old song and dance. It's funny that everyone else involved with the kids that doesn't interact with you, feels very differently about who I am and what the kids mean in my life...and even my intentions toward you and my desire to get along and be helpful. You can continue to view me however you wish, but it doesn't make it so. Here I thought we were doing better and that I was trying to get along and be helpful, but apparently even if I walked on water, you will always go right back to this kind of response.



What I'm thinking about sending her:


I really don�t know if its denial, guilt, suppressed guilt, or an unrealistic view of what comes with divorce, but your expectations are incredibly unrealistic given all that happened and what you did. We are business partners that must interact for the benefit of our kids. That�s it.

The fact that you�re still baffled that I�m not all warm and fuzzy after all that has happened shows me that you never have been able to comprehend the consequences of your actions. In many ways I feel sorry for your inability to take personal responsibility and accountability without rationalizing the inexcusable and the impact it had on everyone, especially the kids.

I�m very happy with my life and how things are. I don�t have a need to feel approval or gratitude from you in any way or to feel like �we�re getting along.�

I never sit around wondering, �Why can�t she see how great a dad I am? Why doesn�t she ever say thanks for the things that I do? Is there some way we could get along better?�

I truly and honestly have no feeling one way or another if you like or don�t like something I do. I�m a little puzzled why you would care what I think or why I don�t say �thank you� for basic logistical things required by all parents or ordered by the court.

The only thing in this entire exercise which I find fascinating is your complete inability to process consequences. The absence of conscience is truly a thing to behold. I tend to apologize for being 5 minutes late to something or for forgetting to bring something I should have remembered. This seems like something you�re completely incapable of doing for massive and major things.

I�m fascinated on an academic level. Do you ever go through any introspection? Is it possible that you really believe people should look past hurtful behavior and focus on the little bit of good? Do you believe that I should be grateful for you doing things that are pretty much normal and required obligations for parents such as bringing kids supplies, getting them to places on time, showing up to events, taking them to the doctor?

On a more important note, why didn�t you come to DD9's performance given to hundreds of people at a national festival? I cancelled all weekend plans to go and watch her. I�m just curious about why you didn�t come when it was a pretty big deal that you knew about weeks ahead of time.

First to the pleasant tidings:

Congratulations on the pregnancy! You and DW should treasure this opportunity to enrich a new life!

As for WXW:

I'm horrible, you're the victim, my intentions are selfish, yours are honorable, I would never do anything nice and must have some agenda, everything u do though is for the kids.

Make a good-faith offer to cover the expense of having her tattooed with this honest assessment! Who knows - it might be a subconscious slip of reality getting through to her!!

Has your WXW remarried?

Why answer her at all? Do you think you can educate her at all? Is that why you're trying to respond?

If she is a drama queen, then the long back and forth emails is what she wants. If you don't feed her need for drama and truly shut that door you won't feed the monster and you won't have to live the drama.

With true parallel parenting it's all business. My emails with my XWH are about 1 sentence.

I would give the Bruce Willis's line in Die Hard 2, "just the fax mam, just the fax"

BH,

You are correct. At this point I just find this interesting on an academic level. It is truly amazing that she has no conscience. Can people still remain so narcissistic years after the fact?

It is true that I can't educate her.

I'm going to back away now. My emails tend to be as you describe, this recent spat comes from her tendency to corner me on occasion when she can make that happen.

So I've done things to minimize her presence. But she occasionally asks a few things which put me on the spot.

This latest thing has been a real curiosity for me because I feel completely opposite from what she expresses. I truly don't care if she thanks me or doesn't thank me or says something nice or mean. I really don't care either way.

My DW also doesn't mind if I stand up for myself now and then. I usually opt to not answer, but DW occasionally says I should when she crosses a line.

But again, I don't care what she thinks.

I agree with your DW with telling your WXW when she crosses the line.

Yes she can still remain narcisstic, especially if she doesn't get help.

Has your WXW remarried? I feel for her new H if she is still doing this with you. Imagine what he goes through, poor sucker

It may also be in her twisted mind that "she's trying to get along with her XH " to rationalise it in her own Wayward mind.

Go back to your lovely life. Best revenge is to live a happy, good life.

No, she's not remarried. She has a live in boyfriend she's been with for almost 6 years.

Help ... the mere fact she is still with her OM should speak volumes to you ... she is still an addict. Until she ceases all ties to her OM for life she will remain in that foggy addict stage. She is still a drunk ... her addiction has her so entrenched.

Can you name one long term drunk that has done anything moral, ethical, or is remotely happy?

My suggestion is to treat her like the drunk she is ... very limited contact and absolutely no banter back and forth. I would even cease talking to her in public. You state you don't want to do Plan B ... I believe it is needed for you.

This low life drunk pulled you back into her dark, depraved world again. It seems every couple of months you, her OM, and the drunk seem to get in some kind of drama. Your posting reflects this.

Let the drunk go back to the cesspool of a life she created and when and only when she ends all contact with her still drug of choice will you remotely be able to have a rational conversation.

Protect your children from this as much as possible. Show them you do not have a conversation with someone who intentionally, cruelly, and deliberately annihilated their world.

I understand you have moved on with your new wife ... this is still a lingering mess that was created some six+ years ago. You cannot ever move on from it because she hasn't lifted one finger to clean it up. This mess she made will never go away ... it can only be contained by your Plan B action.

I can put myself in your shoes because my addicted WH used his deployment to commit adultery, abandon us, cut us off financially, go on to destroy us financially, and now in his fogged out addicted mind completely and fully abandoned us.

Yes we "can move on", and his divorce will have him as good as dead to me, but the reality is it will always be there. I have to carry around his nuclear bomb aftermath for the rest of my life, until he is ready to clean it himself. It is something I cannot ever do for him. Granted with time it will lesson, but the reality is it will always be some sort of anchor around my neck.

The best I can do to lighten the load is Plan B him for life. He will never ever have the luxury of a friendship or even a stranger friendship ... if he ever decides to clean up his mess and take the anchor he has placed on my kids and I ... then and only then will I engage him.

I say cut your own anchor load. You have a new baby coming ... start making room around your next for the next set of responsibilities that are to come ... your drunk skank xWW is way to heavy and way to burdensome ... let your new baby come in peace.

My 2cents ... Tough~

This her OM, correct? No wonder she is still like this and did this. She's still very much a wayward and an addict.

We all know what happens when an addict doesn't get help. They remain an addict.

So happy for you and your DW and combining your two families. Good job on deciding to ignore her emails.

He's not an OM. He's a guy she met a few months after our D and I have confirmation he was not an OM before our D. She had the hots for different guys while I was deployed.

Pray, I hear what you're saying, but I can also tell you that you do eventually get to a point where the other person becomes a caricature and you even feel sorry for how lost they are. But you won't feel pain anymore.

I know I don't.

This latest exchange was really more out of curiosity on my end. I find it truly fascinating that a person can have no conscience at all and blame any and all mistakes on her part on others. The fact that she expects people to simply understand when she's late, doesn't go to work, stays in bed all the time while "sick" is a testament to the fact that she never grew out of how she was treated when she had cancer as a teen. I know several people who dealt with cancer, survived it, and have moved on with normal lives.

She still seeks attention with "illness."

I can honestly tell you I feel sorry for her bf. I saw him a few years ago doing certain things during one of her "illnesses" and I said to myself, "Thank God I'm not doing that anymore."

I know you are recommending Plan B, but that's just not a reality after a divorce when there are kids in the picture. I have to see her when we go to doc appointments for the kids. I have to see her when I pick the kids up.

But I do take precautions to minimize the contact I maintain. I don't normally answer my phone when she calls and figure that she can leave a message if it is an emergency. I show up as late as possible to the kids' karate class in order to have minimal exposure for an argument. I don't let her into my house and I don't try to go into hers.

I truly and honestly feel nothing when around her other that some minor apprehension that she may try to talk to me about something. I simply leave if she tries to engage.

Right now I'm focused on my DW and my coming baby. I've got a million things going through my head with getting cribs, changing tables, diapers holders, bottles, etc. I have some things from the twins. But I have to re-stock!

That's right enjoy your new baby with your DW and kids.

Helpthelostdads,

Could you jump in on totally2confused's thread and give him some advice on his direction to protect himself? Here totally2confused's thread

Did you have your thread about what you went through with your WXW down? I have tried to find it to use as a reference?

Thanks.