I'm new to great forum.

BACKGROUND
My WW had an affair with a former boyfriend who was in town temporarily while I was visiting family. He was always in the wings waiting, and they had a "keep in touch" type of relationship. Of course, I'll admit that the root cause is likely within me as I have trouble "expressing my love", but there were other stressors -- a recent move, loss of a child several years ago, etc. Still, to me, this "Casanova" was waiting in the wings and took advantage of this dip in our marriage.

NOW
I asked her to leave after I found out, which she did.
Yes, I am still having trouble dealing with the aftermath of this affair, and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel, and say, "Well, maybe you too should just be together."

Two things that raised her ire recently.
EXPOSURE: I told our daughter (age 12), her mother, and my parents. She said that this was "harassment" because her side (my neglect) was not also presented. I have explained to my parents "her side", but my mother said that she ALREADY knew about my personality....
My wife insists that this exposure has made reconciliation MORE difficult. I told her it was because I loved her, but she does not understand.
SNOOPING: I snooped on her computer to find out about the affair, and now she says that she will not trust me ever, and she feels the same way as a betrayed spouse.
Her thoughts: With the danger of losing me, she has said that she will stop communicating with Casanova, but she still thinks it was justified, and she thinks it's OK if "she gets lonely again". I have difficulty accepting this.
She says, "You think that infidelity is as bad as murder. I don't think so."

FROM HERE
SNOOPING/MONITORING: Are there ground rules for monitoring the other spouse's behavior? Why do I have to tell them how they were caught? Both of them were very sneaky (and he gave her advice on avoiding detection), and so I really do not feel secure revealing all the methods. I feel that it is irrelevant, and I was able to successfully get them to stop, which was its true purpose. (In fact, I only started after I sensed something was amiss. I NEVER monitored my wife before that.)
EXPOSURE: I know the exposure recommendations here (Exposure 101 thread), but are there exceptions?
CONDITIONS IF ANY: Besides no contact with former lover, what are reasonable demands for reconciliation?
I understand that I must meet her needs, but must I always be compared to Casanova?

Any advice? What should be my gameplan from here?
My emotional state is not very good now, but a clear path would be a great help.

Thanks in advance, everyone!

JapanDude

Welcome and sorry for what's brought you here.

On exposure, who did you expose to on OM's side?
Your wife is saying these things because she's an addict and the OM is her drug.
You're in Plan A Carrot and Stick of Plan A
When your wife speaks alien about your exposure and snooping has ruined your chance to recovery you say, I will do whatever it takes to save my marriage. You want a cookie?"

No snooping is not wrong. Read these. Snooping is it right or wrong
Jow can trust be restored after an affair

How was your WW contacting him? You need to shut down all her avenues of how she contacted him.

BrainHurts,

Thanks for the links. Excellent information!

She was contacting him by cell phone and e-mail. She is now staying with her mother, and I think that she has stopped contacting him, but I have no way of knowing since my snooping was revealed when I did the exposure, and she is no longer physically here.

He is now out of town, and so there is currently no danger of them meeting physically, but he is really only a phone call or e-mail away.

Who pays for her phone? If you do turn her phone off.

Who did you expose to on OM's side? Is he M? Does he have facebook?

On the OM's side, I only told his wife. He is on Facebook, but I am still reluctant to do the mass exposure that is described in Exposure 101. I just don't see the benefit. He is widely known as a Casanova, and maybe it would enhance his reputation....

I will look into turning the phone off, but people use their cell phones for everything these days, and so I want to be careful about that. I would like to monitor the numbers/emails that she gets on the phone....

Thanks again for your responses. Truly appreciated!

Can you put some spyware on it? Look at this for help. Operation Investigate

What did his wife say?

I plan to install spyware on her phone if she comes back.

I have not gotten a response from his wife yet, which is a little weird to me. It was a message through Facebook, and so maybe she is one of those people who is not active in FB?

Also, how do I explain that my limited exposure was GOOD for her and good for us? She says that it is pushing her away.

Thanks again!

Right from the Exposure 101 thread.

Great stuff.
My daughter (age 12) and I really bummed out right now. She has been crying so much. But the WW says it's my fault for telling our daughter. I have also been telling my daughter the story of how I found out too, and the WW has said my "lips are too loose". Maybe it's just that I want someone to talk to, but she wants to know everything, she wants to know if her world will come crashing down too.

I hope that you are right about the "exposure fallout". Yes, she was definitely furious, but she says, for example, that she cannot show her face to my family anymore because of this, etc.
Are there any responses to that kind of statement, or do you just want until she comes to an understanding herself?

Thanks!

What comes through LOUD and CLEAR in your posts is self-doubt and fear.

GET OVER IT!

You didn't tell her side of the story in your exposure? GOOD! Let the one sleeping around with another man tell her own slutty story!

WW is angry YOU told your 12yo daughter? Ohhh, pity-party time! Set up some time when the three of you can sit down as a family and have WW explain to your pre-teen daughter why going heels-to-the-ceiling for another man is correct behavior.

You only told the OM's BW? Maybe? Make your entire life's goal for the next few days to tell everyone who ever met, knew, or conversed with this scumbag that he's been busy banging a married woman!
If you want to make an omelet, ya gotta break some eggs, my friend. It is the history here that "moved-out" WWs can only rarely be brought back to the marriage. They CERTAINLY cannot be "niced" back.

Thanks for the advice. But then, it looks like I made a mistake because it was I who suggested she that she leave when I finally got her to admit her affair and lies. She did not want to leave, but said that she would if I insisted. It was just too much for me to handle. She took our 2-year old son and is staying with her mother, and so I looked at it as temporary, but it would easily become a permanent arrangement too. Stupid, stupid me.

I would strongly suggest that you call the wife and speak to her personally. That message might have been intercepted or she might not even go on facebook. I would also do a facebook exposure targeting his family members. This will be a major affair killer because it will ruin any fantasies your wife has about joining the OM's family.


Would you try to reason with a falling down drunk? Do you find a fogged out wayward to be very receptive to reason? It is somewhat loony to suggest that it "pushed her away" when she is about as far away as one can get.

Wild horses could not "push away" a wayward who was committed and determined to recover her marriage, so don't worry about that!

"I am so sorry you are embarrassed about your affair! I don't blame you."

How does her mother feel about her adultery?

...it was I who suggested she that she leave...

It would be of immeasurable benefit if she were home. Get her to come back where you can better monitor her actions, and start the process of repairing your damaged marriage.

(But while she's still not home, install the spyware on any computer she might use there, and hide VAR's in the rooms she might retire to to take cell calls. Also, acquire some GPS units for all your family vehicles.)

MelodyLane: Thanks for the advice. The mother of the WW is actually fairly neutral, which is good considering that she is her mother. Of course, her mother was disappointed that her daughter lied to her because they always talk about everything together, but this fact was hidden from her. Plus, the mother had met the Casanova many years ago and never liked him.

NeverGuessed: Really? I see. Oh, that will be so hard for me. Aren't there any benefits for keeping her away? My reasoning was that she needed to live life without me to really see if she needed me.
Unfortunately, the spyware on the computer was revealed when I did the exposure, and so that option is now out. I like the ideas of the VARs (voice-activated recorders).

Thanks!!

Also on telling your DD12 so you know you did the right thing listen to this radio clip where Dr. H tells the parent to tell as young as 4.
Radio clip on telling children
Infidelity the lessons children learn

Just to let you know you did the right thing.

I would also try and contact the OM's BW again, because it is very likely that she never received the message.

Mr. Machismo may have intercepted it.

Does the mother know about the affair NOW? I am sorry to hear she is "neutral." Some parents don't care very much about their kids, sadly.


There is no benefit to keeping her away. That was a strategic mistake because it makes you the bad guy while giving her the freedom to carry on her affair. It makes it very hard to save your marriage if she is not there.

Would she come back if you asked? It is obvious that the affair is still active so I would be surprised if she would come back.

Will her mother not help you at all? Or is she completely uncaring?