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BrainHurts: That is great stuff, and I do not regret what I have done so far, but I guess my first priority is getting her home. She cites her loss of trust in me for the surveillance plus my exposure to my parents as the primary reasons right now. That prevents me from ratcheting it up.
Maybe I should just let her stew?
JapanDude
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thanks. A lot of that is really relevant to me now.
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Thanks. A lot of that is really relevant to me now. That's why the path is such a narrow path to follow because all wayward's speak from the same script and that's why all the vets are telling you to do a facebook exposure on the OM. The angrier the WS becomes the better the exposure is on target. If she "supposedly" is already divorcing you then what do you have to lose?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Update: It looks like she will be coming back home tomorrow. I will pick her up tomorrow by train. She asked me to take off the keylogger from her computer "for trust". Yeah, I do not like that, but do I tell her to forget it and not come home with my DS2?
My honest feeling is that I still do want to conduct surveillance on her.
She seems sincere in trying to work things out. She wrote a nice letter apologizing to my parents.
I felt like she wants to come home, and I do not want to push her away now. I know that I may have lost my window for grand exposure, but she did tell her sister the other day, and so I am sure that the word has already spread far and wide.
We still argue whether use of the keylogger was appropriate. I do not apologize, and I explain that there was no way to stop her otherwise. I told her that any further contact (phone, e-mail) would be construed as continuing of the affair. For now, I hope that love can patch things up....
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Update: It looks like she will be coming back home tomorrow. I will pick her up tomorrow by train. She asked me to take off the keylogger from her computer "for trust". Yeah, I do not like that, but do I tell her to forget it and not come home with my DS2?
My honest feeling is that I still do want to conduct surveillance on her.
She seems sincere in trying to work things out. She wrote a nice letter apologizing to my parents.
I felt like she wants to come home, and I do not want to push her away now. I know that I may have lost my window for grand exposure, but she did tell her sister the other day, and so I am sure that the word has already spread far and wide.
We still argue whether use of the keylogger was appropriate. I do not apologize, and I explain that there was no way to stop her otherwise. I told her that any further contact (phone, e-mail) would be construed as continuing of the affair. For now, I hope that love can patch things up.... Do not take that keylogger off and do not let her know you have it on there.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Well, I was thinking of installing another keylogger, such as Free Keylogger, tonight and then uninstalling it before her. Therefore, the original keylogger would stay on there.
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Well, I was thinking of installing another keylogger, such as Free Keylogger, tonight and then uninstalling it before her. Therefore, the original keylogger would stay on there. Very good idea. Like in Dr. Harley's article about snooping "if you have nothing to hide then you don't mind for your spouse to snoop". Keep up your snooping and Plan A her like the best H you are when she gets home.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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That's right. I am glad to move on to Plan A. I have to admit that making her leave was probably a mistake.
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I was thinking of installing another keylogger...and then uninstalling it before her.
Very much in line with what I suggested a few days ago - therefore a BRILLIANT plan!
Stop listening to her bovine by-product, okay? "Oh dear, I'm so embarrassed by your exposure, being as I am a traditional Japanese woman!" Uhh, no sweetie, traditional Japanese women do not open up their "lotus blossom" for old "gaijen" boyfriends!
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Well, I was thinking of installing another keylogger, such as Free Keylogger, tonight and then uninstalling it before her. Therefore, the original keylogger would stay on there. That is a great idea JapanDude. But only because it will allow you to keep an eye her while she thinks you are not looking. Secret snooping methods are a must at this early stage. But honestly JapanDude, you are appearing weak when you keep backing down because of fear over WW anger and manipulation tactics. The next time WW starts babbling about not being able to trust you, tell her that she can trust you to watch her like a hawk until she EARNS your trust. Women love strong men. They respect them.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A
The carrot of Plan A
Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.
Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.
Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.
Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.
Stop lovebusting behaviors.
Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.
Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.
Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.
Offering forgiveness and understanding.
The stick of Plan A
Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.
Not appologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.
Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.
Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.
Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.
Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.
Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family. Plan A without the "stick" is plan doormat.
ME: BW
HIM: FWH
Married 18 yrs
DDay 09/2008 and 12/2008
Recovered
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I reason (perhaps incorrectly) that my wife would look upon her exposure with more shame than a typical American. She has already said that she is too ashamed to set foot into my parents' house again, and she has already written my mother a long, apologetic letter.
I am holding back on the exposure because the effect of my first small exposure are still rippling, and I am trying to get her to return home. Doing another major exposure now would fling her back. Another exposure would kill the affair. You don't understand what you are dealing with. Your wife's objection to exposure stems from her FOG which stems from the affair. She will not be angry about exposure when her fog dissipates. Shame is a good thing, not a bad thing. Shame and guilt are our conscience's warning system that something is wrong. In order for your wife to want to change, she has to feel change. By hiding the affair from the OM's wife and his family, you enable the affair at the expense of your marriage. I am curious about what you intend on doing about the OM's wife? Is it your goal to hide the affair from her? How will she know what your wife has done to her if you don't tell her? Update: Things are going downhill anyway. The WW still remains with her mother and my son (2) near Tokyo. She told me yesterday that she considers my use of the keylogger "underhanded" and "dishonest", but I told her it was to free her from her addiction. She got angry and hung up. She is threatening divorce.
Thanks to the advice here, I am staying calm and sticking to my guns. I hope that she understands what made me do it. You are making strategic mistakes that are going to cost you your marriage if you don't listen to us. The reason your wife objects to the keylogger is because HER AFFAIR IS STILL ON. Kill the affair!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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THE KEYLOGGER IS A DISTRACTION FROM THE MAIN PROBLEM!! Can we please drop the keylogger issue and focus on the main problem, which is the REASON she objects to the keylogger? The REASON she objects to the keylogger is because THE AFFAIR IS STILL ON.
If you don't focus on killing the affair, the keylogger will be a moot point.
HOW WILL THE OMW LEARN OF THE AFFAIR??
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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GETTING VERY FRUSTRATED HERE AT THE DISTRACTIONS!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I reason (perhaps incorrectly) that my wife would look upon her exposure with more shame than a typical American. She has already said that she is too ashamed to set foot into my parents' house again, and she has already written my mother a long, apologetic letter.
I am holding back on the exposure because the effect of my first small exposure are still rippling, and I am trying to get her to return home. Doing another major exposure now would fling her back. JD -- Doing another person's spouse transcends country borders, religions, ideals, tenets, credos, and is done all over the place. Do not put any ancient Japanese mumbo jumbo out there as a reason to avoid telling everyone about her doing another 'round eye'. She is a lowlife cheater who is under the spell of another lowlife and sees nothing wrong with destroying you, your kid and many others in her path. I can call your wife names like that because my wife was just that. But, we followed a clear-cut program to reclaim her from the same muck that your wife seems OK to mire in. She aint going to volunteer to it otherwise she'd done it already. By exposing as EVERYONE here is advocating and you seem to be content finding a million excuses not to, you have the potential to snap her out of this fog. Keyloggers, VARs, and the like are step 2 stuff. Letting everyone know about what she is doing is NUMERO UNO. Number one. Number ichi.
Life keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping into the fuuuu-ture.
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GETTING VERY FRUSTRATED HERE AT THE DISTRACTIONS!! MelodyLane and everyone else: Sorry about the inaction on the exposure, but my first priority at the back of my mind has been to get my WW and DS2 home. I leave tomorrow, and I will bring them back from the WW's mother's (my MIL) the next day. I'd like to fight the other battles once they get back here. I am ready to do an exposure to the mother of the OM. As for the OM's wife, I have tried to find her, and I DID send her a message via Facebook, but within 24 hours, her profile was deleted. I logged out of Facebook (just in case I was being blocked), and tried to find it again, and it was GONE.
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GETTING VERY FRUSTRATED HERE AT THE DISTRACTIONS!! I'd like to fight the other battles once they get back here. I am ready to do an exposure to the mother of the OM. As for the OM's wife, I have tried to find her, and I DID send her a message via Facebook, but within 24 hours, her profile was deleted. I logged out of Facebook (just in case I was being blocked), and tried to find it again, and it was GONE. There are other ways to try and find her have you tried any? You MUST tell OM's wife. Operation Investigate
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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GETTING VERY FRUSTRATED HERE AT THE DISTRACTIONS!! MelodyLane and everyone else: Sorry about the inaction on the exposure, but my first priority at the back of my mind has been to get my WW and DS2 home. I leave tomorrow, and I will bring them back from the WW's mother's (my MIL) the next day. I'd like to fight the other battles once they get back here. I am ready to do an exposure to the mother of the OM. As for the OM's wife, I have tried to find her, and I DID send her a message via Facebook, but within 24 hours, her profile was deleted. I logged out of Facebook (just in case I was being blocked), and tried to find it again, and it was GONE. Our goal is to save your marriage. Yours is to avoid your wife's anger at all cost. They are entirely different goals. It is better to expose while she is away so that you don't have to deal with the direct fall out of her anger of exposure. That is an ideal situation. And you can find his wife. you just have to look harder. I am sure if you check directory assistance you might find something. You can also find her by exposing to the OM's contacts and asking them to contact her directly. Even so, you can't give up so easily. The most important exposure is to the OM's wife. Even if you have to hire a PI to find her, you should do it. A PI could probably find her in 2 hours. Your wife is a menace to this woman and she needs to know the truth so she can protect herself and her children from your wife. Having both spouses informed at both ends greatly increases the odds that affair will be killed. I would focus on that, rather than wasting your time with fogbabble about a keylogger. That is just ridiculous.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[I am ready to do an exposure to the mother of the OM. By the way, we call this "trickle exposure." It is like bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. It is not enough to kill the affair but just enough to piss off the affairees enough to come after you with more intensity. Ask yourself what happens when you bring a pea shooter to a gun fight? You get your [censored] shot off, that is what. If that is all you are willing to do, then you are wasting your time. I would do NO exposures if you are not willing to do it right, because you will only cause great harm by forewarning the affairees.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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