Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 92 of 107 1 2 90 91 92 93 94 106 107
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 3,686
Yes, it was johnstwin. She remarried her FXH 25 years to the day after they were first married.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,349
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,349
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by karmasrose
Yes, it was johnstwin. She remarried her FXH 25 years to the day after they were first married.

That's right, I remember her story now. Thanks smile


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,156
Originally Posted by karmasrose
Yes, it was johnstwin. She remarried her FXH 25 years to the day after they were first married.
I've seen it happen twice in my life without the MB concepts even coming into play. What I mean to say is that it happened for the same reasons that the MB concepts are based on, and that's the truth of love banks being filled and depleted without the benefit of Dr. Harley's concepts and personal guidance to help them. This is a true indication to me that he is right on point, and it really can't be argued. Oh sure, there are certain cases where nothing will help, but by and large that's not the norm.

I'm just trying to figure out why a man that spent this much time developing these concepts and tactics in an oh so easy way to understand manner would advise a man to Plan A his way to divorce in the hopes of remarrying.

I just don't get that at all.


Every man I meet is in some way my superior; and in that I can learn of him.

-Ralph Waldo Emerson


Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
G
GJM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Because Plan A is filling her LB and letting her get the carrot of what the marriage would be like if she chose to return. The stick of it would be her losing me and not having me in her life to support all that she does. I'm the only one that comes to her rescue or helps her when she needs it. I have offered myself to be there and care for her. She's very stubborn and can be difficult, but I know how to make her laugh and smile. I know her strengths and weaknesses. When the divorce is final, I will disappear and pull myself away from her.

Remember the purpose of Plan A and Plan B. It seems some want me to Plan B so that I can teach my W a lesson of what life will be like without me, but that's not the true purpose. It's to protect me and keep my love bank from depleting. My LB is fine. Please trust me.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,149
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 1,149
Hi GJM-

Yep, that's me who remarried my FXH on what would have been our 25th anniversary (we had been D almost 2 years, separated 3). smile

To answer TigerWes's question: I can't really say why Dr. H would advise what he did-except-as a Christian, he probably believes as I do that nothing is impossible for God.


johnstwin-

"I may not know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future." -Martin Luther

Remarried my FXH 25 years to the day of our first M. God is so good-and sometimes so unexpected!

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
G
GJM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Thank you johnstwin,

That is what I believe as well.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 97
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jan 2012
Posts: 97
johnstwin--I believe that too! GJM, way to go! Dr. Harley knows what he's saying, and I think this works because he bases his beliefs on foundational biblical principles. I'm seeing his advice work for me as well. Thanks for sharing your story GJM, and you'll be in my prayers.

johnstwin: That is some MAJOR encouraging stuff there--thanks!


No longer a Wayward (and don't have to live with that hanging over my head too, because I am forgiven)! Living a new way of life by consistant practice of MB principles in my own life.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
GJM, thank you for answering these questions honestly and fully. I know what it is like to sometimes feel like you are defending yourself against the whole board for something that you know is right for yourself.

Stay your course. Keep an eye on that LB$. Your an MB warrior for sure.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
It seems some want me to Plan B so that I can teach my W a lesson of what life will be like without me, but that's not the true purpose.

This is analogous to saying that exposure to the POSOM's side is geared strictly to wedging the APs apart, NOT to ruin his godforsaken life and pitching him into the deepest bowels of the lowest pit of Hades, leaving the hyenas to pick over his shattered carcass.

That's only an incidentally positive side-effect. wink

Fantasy within WWs as far gone as yours, GJM, encourages flights of "He'll still be there for me," which MUST be disproved. TELLING her that the situation will change is not likely to be effective at all. On another thread I've mentioned the dichotomy that a BH needs to assume, that of being a supportive loving husband, and concurrently a stern SOB.

I think your "SOB" persona might need some tweaking.

Think about it.


Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 91
E
Member
Offline
Member
E
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 91
I believe I have heard Dr. Harley say on the radio show that he advises husbands to Plan A as long as possible, as they are better able to without suffering illness, and that women respond better to being "chased". He advises women to only Plan A for a short time as men don't respond nearly as well to being "chased", and too long a plan A tends to make women ill.

So I think based on episodes I've heard (but can't post links like BH and others can), that Dr. H would agree with GJMs plan.


50+ yo couple enjoying our empty nest.
Young adult kids out on their own.
"Enthusiastic agreement?" is our catch phrase.
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Quote
So I think based on episodes I've heard (but can't post links like BH and others can), that Dr. H would agree with GJMs plan

And since GJM actually spoke TO DrH on the radio show, and was given this advice, I'd agree too. It's just the LB$ that I tend to worry about. I have seen a few BH's think that their LB was at a decent level only to push too far, and find themselves on the other side before they even realised it.


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,349
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,349
Likes: 3
Do we know when GJM was on the show? I would love to listen.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Do we know when GJM was on the show? I would love to listen.

I may have misremembered. GJM definitely got an email response to his questions sometime in the middle of December. I just read through about 30 pages of this thread to find it. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...mp;Number=2563819&nt=184&page=96

GJM, in re-reading your thread, for BH, I saw how far you have come. Have you re-read your thread? WOW. You have done absolutely amazing. Keep it up(and I saw how many times you were tempted to give up, what a difference a few months, and the wise words of MM make).


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,349
Likes: 3
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,349
Likes: 3
Originally Posted by Scotland
Originally Posted by BrainHurts
Do we know when GJM was on the show? I would love to listen.

I may have misremembered. GJM definitely got an email response to his questions sometime in the middle of December. I just read through about 30 pages of this thread to find it. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...mp;Number=2563819&nt=184&page=96

GJM, in re-reading your thread, for BH, I saw how far you have come. Have you re-read your thread? WOW. You have done absolutely amazing. Keep it up(and I saw how many times you were tempted to give up, what a difference a few months, and the wise words of MM make).

Thank you. I appreciate it.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
G
GJM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
Thanks everyone for your concerns and comments. Although I don't counsel on a regular basis with the Harleys, the couple of times I was on the radio show stuck with me and I keep the advice in my head.

Scotty, you're so right about MM. He seems to pop up at the right time. I haven't gone back to re-read my thread. I don't really want to because there's some painful stuff in there and I don't want to take a step back. I'm in a good place right now (well all things considering). I will go back and read one of these days, but for now, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

It's so nice to hear the positive remarks and I appreciate it. I've got plenty of work to do and I'm about to get into football season. I'm coaching a men's team and also getting DS ready as well. He's amazing at the sport and I hope he plays through college. DD 13 starts soccer practice today as well for a competitive team. I'm looking forward to being busy, but dreading it at the same time. smile


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
A while ago you posted this:

...and the divorce will most likely be final in May.

You've been here since 14 November (I checked). She had already moved out (hence your title) and except for the necessary churn surrounding your exposure actions, you've been in a Plan A (of remarkable fidelity) the whole time. May starts tomorrow. My concern is that there can be very little of the paragon "Plan A GJM" that WW has not seen, with no concrete change to her intention to let your marriage be dissolved. She is either in one of two states:

- She doesn't care anymore, and there ain't any hope for your marriage.
- She believes in the pleasant life-with-GJM-after-divorce fantasy.

You tell us, GJM, but it seems from out here the one state she cannot possibly be in after all this time is the "I'm not sure if GJM is right for me" condition of doubt.

From where she is (either of the first two states above) the one you want to move her to, if humanly possible, is the "Am I quite possibly damaging my future life by completing the divorce?" condition. I might not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but "Plan A'ing" her until the gavel comes down does not seem destined to do that.

This will be the last time I bring this up, my friend. (So for all the posters of opposing position out there, you need not tell me to "STOP".)

I will keep hoping this works out for your best interest.

Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
G
GJM Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
G
Joined: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,057
NG,

I'm aware of what will happen when the gavel hits we will be divorced. The state she is right now is her own desire for herself. She is in weekly counseling trying to sort her life out. She's trying to pursue her own personal goals which don't include me. That's fine. Nothing has worked in her favor to this point and I don't see it working in the near future. Like I said, she's stubborn and trying to do things in her own way. She misses me and she loves me, but she's scared. She doesn't know which direction to move because no one besides me will give her the necessary advice she needs to keep a family together. We all know that what I say doesn't matter so she will continue to be lost until the day she wakes up.

The divorce doesn't mean it's over. It just means I'm out of the picture and from that day forward, she will be on her own. Maybe it will be then when she realizes everything she lost. She is aware tht I won't be there any longer, but my saying so doesn't make it reality until it actually happens. So for now, I do what Dr H told me to do. I'll keep you posted.


Me: BH 36
Her: WW 34
Kids: D 14, S 12, S 9
DDay 1-6/2009
DDay 2-9/2011
DDay 3-11/2011
Filed for D 10/2011-Papers Served 11/2011
Divorce final May 24, 2012
My Story



Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
I imagine she truly believes in the second option that NG listed, hence the seemingly stubborn attitude that you refer to.


Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2

Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 2,708
And.....D is not to be feared.

It is for your protection (custody and financially speaking).

You can continue with your plans despite legal proclamations.








Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 8,240
Have you ever tried to get her onto the phone with one of the Harleys? Does she know about MB? You said that you had been here before, did she ever get on board with the concepts?


BW(Me)aka Scotty:37
DSx2: 10,12
DDAY2(PA)Nov27/09
Plan B Dec18/09
Personal R in works
Scotty's THING laugh
Newly Betrayed click here


Praying for walls and doors. Thanx MM

Surviving is important. Thriving is elegant.
? Maya Angelou

PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION

THANK YOU
Page 92 of 107 1 2 90 91 92 93 94 106 107

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 27 guests, and 40 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna, BootsJeans
71,736 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,804
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5