Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 16 of 59 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 58 59
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
She's definitely playing games/testing me.

After we talked/argued yesterday morning and she left I was very angry and she knew it when she left. She tried to call me about 6 times and I wouldn't answer the phone because I was so angry I knew the conversation wouldn't go anywhere. She finally texted me to say that "she wished I would talk to her".

I she called a few more times and then texted me asking me "to please answer the phone" which I didn't. I texted her back and told her that I didn't feel like talking because I was very upset. After that text from me she basically said that she just wanted to talk about what was said that morning. She said that "it seems like I only want to talk when I want to". To that I told her that "she is the one that only wants to talk and can leave the house for a separation when she wants to."

At that point she said that she would respect my space and that maybe we could talk in a couple days when we both had time to breath. I told her that I would be around, except for church today, when she got ready to talk because that's all I wanted us to do was to talk through all this mess.

I had actually expected her to either call or come by today to talk and she hasn't. I feel like she is playing games and/or testing me. I think she's wanting me to contact her.

Now, in a normal situation, which nothing lately has been normal, I would contact her to see if she wanted to talk. I feel like an idiot asking for an opinion on here about what to do but I don't want to seem desperate at this point nor do I want to miss out on an opportunity to talk with her while she's willing.

What do you think I should do? I feel like she's waiting to see if I'll call her like I always do since this has come up.

I HATE playing these little mind games. I'm a very straight forward kind of person.

*edit* I meant to also say that I thought this was a game/test because after calling 6 times and texting me, once I responded, she wanted to wait a couple days until we "had time to breath" before we talked.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 04/15/12 04:25 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
*edit* I meant to also say that I thought this was a game/test because after calling 6 times and texting me, once I responded, she wanted to wait a couple days until we "had time to breath" before we talked.

She is playing a game and you have rightly keyed in on this. She wants to know you are there waiting to be her option when she wants you. The bad thing about all this is that I can see your lovebank being depleted. My suggestion is to stop reacting to her when she plays these games and take the lead. Take the lead by inviting her over and giving her the talk I gave you. Let her know you will give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness but that chance won't be there forever. Tell her if she doesn't commit to the marriage, this will lead to divorce.

See, she believes you are still an option and will be sitting there waiting for her WITHOUT CONDITIONS. You need to give her your conditions. Your wife thinks she has you under control, but when you show her that you are in full control of your life, she will stand up and pay attention.

I would not chase her. Focus on giving her the attention she wants when she does something GOOD, not something bad. When she tries to manipulate you, don't reward her or allow her to get away with that.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
*edit* I meant to also say that I thought this was a game/test because after calling 6 times and texting me, once I responded, she wanted to wait a couple days until we "had time to breath" before we talked.

I would play it this way. When she calls, let her know that you need to have a serious talk and have come to a decision. Ask her to come over some time this week. When she comes over, lay out the talk I gave you. And I do want you to tell her that if these conditions are not met that this will lead to divorce. She needs to know that is her future otherwise. And I assure you it is, because your marriage will never recover unless she meets those conditions.

See, she believes that she can come back on HER CONDITIONS. You need to disabuse her of that notion.

Another thing you can do is paint a very ugly bleak picture of her future if this does go to divorce. Tell her you will be filing on grounds of adultery and will have the OM subpoeanaed to court along with his cell phone records and emails. And be sure and tell her that you won't be her "friend" if it ever comes to that. It is REAL IMPORTANT to say this because the WW fantasy is that she can replace you and the way to assuage her guilt is to remain "friends" with you.

Take control of your life, lfh. Take back the reigns of your marriage and give her your conditions. She will be shocked because she believes you will take her back under any conditions.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Oh my god she can and does make me so angry. She called me this morning to "interrogate" me for the third time in a week for doing something regarding the kids without telling her about it. These were not major things. Today she was mad because I called just to find out how much their tuition was.

She was mad because I didnt tell her. I only called last Friday and didnt talk to her until Sat morning when she accused me of having an affair. At that time I wasnt really thinking about telling her about their tuition.

So I told her on the phone (wrongly, I know) that I was done being accused of being the bad guy in all this and I didnt want to talk about it anymore. I hung up.

She has called me 3 times and just now texted me. She said "I called and left a message but you know that. I get the message loud and clear. I wont bother you anymore."

I know shes expecting me to call or text but I'm not going to. I am pretty angry right now and it would not go well. Besides that I'm not going to give her that control.

I do feel like she is beginning to want to communicate and I dont want to miss that opportunity, but I am tired of her playing these games with me.

ML, you are right when you say my Love Bank is getting dangerously low.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I see what all you're saying but to me at this point, she doesn't seem to WANT to come back right now...or maybe at all. Now, I have seen some VERY mixed signals lately so I'm more optimistic for the most part that she is coming around to being open to working on things.

I guess my question is how can I be sure that my efforts won't backfire if she's not sure she even WANTS to come back?

Last edited by looking_for_help; 04/17/12 08:27 AM.
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
She's been out of the house for about a month now. We had a talk last Friday and basically the main message that came out of our talk was that she says she's happy right now where she's at.

So that upset me pretty bad. Bad enough to where it made me angry because it hurt. So I had another talk with her over the weekend telling her that I can't believe that my emotional neglect is the main reason and is worth giving up everything we have built and everything we have (family, house, life). I go on to tell her the things ML said to tell her. I also made sure she understood that I am still open to repairing our marriage but I am not going to sit around and wait on her to decide whether I am worthy or not. I told her that at this point the only option that she is giving me is to just forget about her and what she's doing and move on with myself.

What was interesting was that when I told her that I need to move on, she said "so you want to move on with someone else?"

All she had to say to all of this is "ok". I know it's only been a month of separation. She has changed a little in that she is communicating with me. She has this over-zealous desire to not upset me or make me mad that I don't understand. So I'm not really sure what I should be doing now.

I have been following C&S plan but have slipped up on some Love Busters. It's very hard not to be angry. So do I just keep doing C&S/avoiding love busters/rewarding when she does good and just start living for me and my kids and just let her have her time and space?

Oh yea...she also knows without any shadow of a doubt that there will be NO friendship if this ends in divorce. I really want us to be able to give this another run and try to repair/rebuild everything but I'm running out of ideas.

One more note...she also STILL says and honestly believes (it appears) that her loss of feelings/love for me is the main issue. I'm assuming that means she is still high on the affair.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
I have no doubt the affair is still going strong. But what is C and S?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
Oh sorry ML. Carrot and Stick.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
So do I just sit back and let her "get it out of her system so to speak?

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
P.s. you have to stop the lovebusters. I mean it; you cannot afford any lb's right now. You have a huge advantage over the OM so you have to be strategic about this and avoid handing him an advantage by lovebusting her. When you do that, you make him look better and give her justification for her affair.

And yes, she has lost her feelings for you. That is why you should be doing an excellent Plan A.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So do I just sit back and let her "get it out of her system so to speak?

Is there anything more you can do to bust up this affair and run that RAT off?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
So I should be like she's the love of my life and be as nice and kind to her as she'll let me? That's how I want to be toward her but I thought that would make her think that I am waiting around on her or something.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I don't think there's anything else I can do about it. I REALLY don't think they are seeing each other. I think she just has him or the idea of what it would be like with him stuck in her head right now.

**Edit** I also REALLY don't think they're talking either. Although I can't prove this one, but I really think she knows it will not work out.

Last edited by looking_for_help; 04/30/12 08:20 AM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
So I should be like she's the love of my life and be as nice and kind to her as she'll let me? That's how I want to be toward her but I thought that would make her think that I am waiting around on her or something.

You be very nice and kind but let her know that this will lead to divorce if she doesn't end her affair and commit to the marriage. You told her your conditions, so now focus on wooing her back. Look for any opportunity to kill the affair. I suspect it has gone further underground.

Do you live in a no fault divorce state?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I've checked into the no fault deal and from what I can tell I do.

So, by wooing do you mean kind of like what I did when we first got together? I don't mean to sound like an idiot. I just want to be sure I completely understand so I don't screw this up any worse.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I don't think there's anything else I can do about it. I REALLY don't think they are seeing each other. I think she just has him or the idea of what it would be like with him stuck in her head right now.

**Edit** I also REALLY don't think they're talking either. Although I can't prove this one, but I really think she knows it will not work out.

See, I ain't buying it. She is acting EXACTLY as if there is contact. She is not done with this affair. She could be contacting him daily via email, text or cell phone. Just the fact that she doesn't want to come home and work on this tells me the affair is still going. She has always known it wouldn't work out logically, but that never stops a wayward from getting her fix


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I've checked into the no fault deal and from what I can tell I do.

So, by wooing do you mean kind of like what I did when we first got together? I don't mean to sound like an idiot. I just want to be sure I completely understand so I don't screw this up any worse.

Yep, you got it! You do not sound like an idiot at all. That is a good question. smile


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
I'll get started on it today.

So what advice on what to do about it if the affair is actually still going on other than find any opportunity to kill it? It's gonna be pretty hard to woo with the thought in my mind that she's still "with" him.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
ML,
Im gonna do what you tell me but if I told her that I was not gonna sit around and wait on her and then I woo her like we're dating wont that send mixed signals? Before you told me this, i was thinking I should play "aloof" and make like I wasnt thinking of her all the time.

Its weird because I have gotten more reaction/interest from her when I ignore her.

Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
R
Member
OP Offline
Member
R
Joined: Feb 2012
Posts: 542
The reason I ask that question is because sometimes lately I have felt like she is using me or taking advantage of me because I have been doing a lot of stuff for her that I felt like was being nice or helping her.

Page 16 of 59 1 2 14 15 16 17 18 58 59

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 29 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Overcomer4513, caraduke, Convict20, GTNY, Avianna
71,737 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,550
Posts2,322,807
Members71,737
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5