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The thing is LFH .. is you just continue being you. HOwever .. What you dont do is be a doormat .. be kind .. be available only when it suits YOU.

YOU are the man! .. you have things to do/ take care of .. and even though you love your wife you dont got time for her games. If she is being pleasant be pleasant back. You do want to display to her that you can be he man she has always wanted .. display to her that YOU are the better choice but dont allow her to interfere with your self respect and dont allow her to abuse you or use you.

Plan A .. not plan doormat. If you WANT to be nice .. then be nice .. but not out of obligation or desperation, but because you still love your wife and want to show her that your the better choice.

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That makes sense. Thanks. Sorry to sound like I am completely clueless. This is the only time in my life that I have not known what to do in a situation.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
The reason I ask that question is because sometimes lately I have felt like she is using me or taking advantage of me because I have been doing a lot of stuff for her that I felt like was being nice or helping her.

When I say to woo her, I don't mean allowing her to use you or take advantage of you. That is NOT attractive at all. The OM is not allowing her to use him, likely. Just look for opportunities to take her out and be as pleasant as possible. And don't be aloof!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by looking_for_help
The reason I ask that question is because sometimes lately I have felt like she is using me or taking advantage of me because I have been doing a lot of stuff for her that I felt like was being nice or helping her.

When I say to woo her, I don't mean allowing her to use you or take advantage of you. That is NOT attractive at all. The OM is not allowing her to use him, likely. Just look for opportunities to take her out and be as pleasant as possible. And don't be aloof!

Quoted for truth!

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Is it normal for the WS to take on a totally opposite personality? I don't even know who she is right now. She's doing and saying things that I know her well enough to know she would never do and/or say.

I've told her that I don't know who she is right now and she says this is the person she has gotten away from and that this is who she really is. I know that's a lie because she has never exhibited these traits and after being with someone day in and day out for 7 years, some of those traits would have had to come out.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
Is it normal for the WS to take on a totally opposite personality? I don't even know who she is right now. She's doing and saying things that I know her well enough to know she would never do and/or say.

I've told her that I don't know who she is right now and she says this is the person she has gotten away from and that this is who she really is. I know that's a lie because she has never exhibited these traits and after being with someone day in and day out for 7 years, some of those traits would have had to come out.
YES. They are aliens and aren't recognised by those whom know them.

What Plan are you in? If you're in Plan A


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Read this it's very educational to see that all waywards speak from the same crazy script.
Craziest Things to come out of a Wayward's Piehole


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brain,

I'm in Plan A, but it is so very difficult to stay motivated. She is doing things that I never thought she would do. For instance, she withdrew several thousand dollars from an account we use to pay for our kids' school and told me that she was afraid I was gonna use it to pay for a lawyer. Well come to find out I think she has been planning to use it to pay for her college tuition. She hasn't used it yet and I hope she doesn't but the thought is there for her. She has been contemplating it, I know.

She just seems to have "checked out" on everything except making herself happy. This makes it very difficult to stay motivated to continue on.

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I've read that several times and it absolutely amazes me every time I do.

It's just so weird and disheartening to see and hear the one you love and thought you would spend forever with act like this and say the things she is saying.

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She has not come out and asked me to help her with her tuition and I have decided that I'm not going to do it. I feel like she has been using me lately and I have had enough of it.

I will never forgive myself for not helping her with this because this has been her dream. I have stood beside her and supported her any way I could while she worked for this. If she cannot pay for this next semester it will set her back an entire year. She has worked so hard on this and I hate to be the one that causes her any kind of set back.

I know....I sound whipped. Call it what you want, but the woman I love is still in there somewhere and it kills me to see her like this. I just can't continue enabling her behavior like this. She has done nothing but take from me without giving me anything. I have to draw the line somewhere for myself.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
When I say to woo her, I don't mean allowing her to use you or take advantage of you. That is NOT attractive at all. The OM is not allowing her to use him, likely. Just look for opportunities to take her out and be as pleasant as possible. And don't be aloof!

Did you read this that Melodylane posted to you?

Plan A is not Plan Doormat. So what are you going to do to stop enabling her?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I did read it and am trying to implement it everywhere I can.

I know everyone understands that this is hard to do with the one you are completely in love with so I won't try to explain that it's difficult.

I'm gonna stop allowing her to use me to get the things she wants. I've allowed her to basically pull the puppet strings and make me jump when she wants something. I give in when I feel like I should do something for her and I am trying to stop that. I have also been tip-toeing around her to try to keep from upsetting her, thinking that if things stay positive all the time she will begin to come out of the fog.

I have basically been grovelling at her every beck and call. I'm not doing that any more. As bad as it hurts to not help her out, until she begins to give back to me I have to stop because apparently she is gonna keep pushing and pushing.

It has been very hard for me to get to this point because I am totally devoted to her (or have been in the past) and I been a "slow learner" in all this as MelodyLane can attest to. I think I have just been pushed and pushed to this point and have FINALLY had enough. I'll be asking for more guidance on how to handle things but I'm at a turning point.

I told Melody yesterday that I sound VERY ignorant in all this. I have never had any issues making decisions or finding solutions to problems but this has completely thrown me for several loops. Up is down and down is up when it comes to this. I've had to learn a whole new way of dealing with relationships.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
She has not come out and asked me to help her with her tuition and I have decided that I'm not going to do it. I feel like she has been using me lately and I have had enough of it.

I will never forgive myself for not helping her with this because this has been her dream. I have stood beside her and supported her any way I could while she worked for this. If she cannot pay for this next semester it will set her back an entire year. She has worked so hard on this and I hate to be the one that causes her any kind of set back.

I know....I sound whipped. Call it what you want, but the woman I love is still in there somewhere and it kills me to see her like this. I just can't continue enabling her behavior like this. She has done nothing but take from me without giving me anything. I have to draw the line somewhere for myself.

Why will you never forgive yourself, when you 'stood beside her and supported her any way I could' and while SHE was having an affair? You do not have anything to forgive! YOU are not responsible for causing her a setback. Her own choices, as in, her choice to be unfaithful and turn her life upside down AND her choice to continue down that path rather than work toward recovery, are responsible for causing her a setback. You can look in the mirror with pride on the way YOU have supported your wife!

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I must admit I read your thread yesterday and I know the Harleys suggested Plan A until Plan D but I am unclear why you would not be considering Plan B. Seems to me that your LB for her IS depleting and needs to be protected. And it also seems to me that she has cake from you everywhere she turns. Why wait until D is final for her to find out what it is like to not have cake! If she is exposed to life without you at her beck and call, as you say, BEFORE D then maybe it would make her see this in a new light.

But I am just a rookie here, so I am learning as you are. The Harley's and vets obviously know much more than I do.

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unwritten,

I have contemplated Plan B quite a bit myself lately. The vets are guiding me toward Plan A right now. I have some of the same thoughts as you about letting her see what it would be like for her to be completely without me for a while.

Thing is that she has it pretty good right now even without me (I think). She's staying with her sister and brother in law so she doesn't really have housework to keep up, she doesn't have to cook her meals all the time, she has help with our two kids when she has them, she gets to go out on the boat every chance she doesn't have the kids, she gets to go out and do anything she wants when she doesn't have the kids, she doesn't have anyone to answer to, etc.

But, you and the vets are right. She has had all the "cake" from me on top of all that. I'm stopping all the "cake" from me though, but honestly...why wouldn't she like it the way it is? Yes, I do have to admit that it seems as though some of the financial strain is getting to her but I don't want her to come back just because of that.

I will also have to say that I get more reaction from her when I am not at her disposal. If I don't answer the phone when she calls, later when we do talk she always slides in the "did you see that I called earlier" comment. So she seems to still be engaged in the relationship but doesn't seem to be interested in changing anything.

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The reason he shouldn't go into Plan B is because he has a much better chance of competing and winning if he doesn't. The odds of the OM winning are slim to none, whereas, lookingfor has a great chance of he just hangs in there.

The reason a woman goes into Plan B is because Plan A is harmful to her emotions and men do not react well to having a woman compete for him. It is the opposite with BHs. Competing for a WW is effective and it doesn't wear down the man too much.

And lookingfor, you are right to withhold money for tuition. She shouldn't receive financial benefits while she is living there. If she comes home because of financial pressure that is great as long as she commits to the marriage and agrees to your conditions.

You are the right track with your strategy. Don't be a doormat, but at the same time look for opportunities to woo her. Take her out on a date, but don't agree to run errands for her.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
The reason he shouldn't go into Plan B is because he has a much better chance of competing and winning if he doesn't. The odds of the OM winning are slim to none, whereas, lookingfor has a great chance of he just hangs in there.

The reason a woman goes into Plan B is because Plan A is harmful to her emotions and men do not react well to having a woman compete for him. It is the opposite with BHs. Competing for a WW is effective and it doesn't wear down the man too much.

And lookingfor, you are right to withhold money for tuition. She shouldn't receive financial benefits while she is living there. If she comes home because of financial pressure that is great as long as she commits to the marriage and agrees to your conditions.

You are the right track with your strategy. Don't be a doormat, but at the same time look for opportunities to woo her. Take her out on a date, but don't agree to run errands for her.

Quoting for TRUTH again! Plan A is NOT plan doormat ... just refer to my last post to you prior to this one smile

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I'm gonna stick with the plan even though I don't completely understand how parts of it won't make her angry at me. For instance, if she asks me to do something for her (run an errand or something to that affect) and I say I can't, won't that just make her angry at me? Won't her getting angry with me be kind of like a Love Buster?

Don't think I'm questioning the plan because I'm gonna stick to it whether I understand the "whys" or not. I was just trying to understand the principle behind some of the components.

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Originally Posted by looking_for_help
I'm gonna stick with the plan even though I don't completely understand how parts of it won't make her angry at me. For instance, if she asks me to do something for her (run an errand or something to that affect) and I say I can't, won't that just make her angry at me? Won't her getting angry with me be kind of like a Love Buster?

The goal here is not to avoid making her mad at all cost, but to attract her back. It is not a lovebuster at all to decline to be her boy. Go through the lovebuster list and familiarize yourself with it. You don't make yourself look attractive by being an errand boy. You make yourself attractive by being pleasant but still maintaining boundaries that instill RESPECT. She needs to RESPECT you, not have an errand boy around.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here is a list of lovebusters:

Selfish Demands
Disrespectful Judgments
Angry Outbursts
Annoying Habits
Independent Behavior
Dishonesty

See? None of those include declining to run errands. In fact, Dr Harley makes it very clear that you should NOT sacrifice. Making sacrifices is bad for marriages because it creates resentment and disrespect.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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