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(((Mulan))))

You want to start feeling happy?

Live your values. Stand up for what is right. Stand up and do what is right. I guarentee you once that happens you won't need any medicine because your conscience will be free, and the 200 pound anchor will be lifted off your neck.

Another tip ... stop lying. Start telling the truth. You want to stop this adultery cycle, then let your children know how it works, how to stop it, and how to affair proof their life.

Another tip ... start living honestly with those you love. Hiding in fear of your father is a terrible anchor to carry, and a horrible way to live life.

I have many children and I can promise you this ... your children will mimic this behavior you live by 100%. Please live an honest life ... show those sweet babies integrity, honor, and character.

I promise you this ... your honesty above likely helped heal your mother tremendously. Stop the lies ... it is destroying your lives and then some!

Fine. I have no reason to standup to OW at this point. Why would I do that? It has nothing to do with me. You cannot pull me into this. You can't. While I'm an adult, isn't the first rule of divorce that you don't make the children choose? Even in the worst case scenario? That is ridiculous. But I guess no one seems to think that.

One more note ... Your dad did all of this. Think about your life is he hadn't committed adultery ... OH how different it would be.

Can you see how his adultery is destroying everything? It won't stop until honesty (radical honesty) is lived throughout everyone's lives.

This right here is tells me that you get it but can't be bothered to do the right and moral thing, those are your choices that you and your brother made.

You lied to your mother just like your adulterous father did, you claim that you knew that it would hurt her and yet you did anyway, hey just like your adulterous father did.

You stood their at a wedding that destroyed your mother's and thought nothing of it, like it was some little get together.

Obviously neither you nor your brother understand what those vows meant to be.

Do you see a trend starting here, the lies by omission, down playing what really went down, trying to turn it around where the hurt party is the one to blame.

Mulan don't you think you should be over with the pain that was dealt to you by now you know there is a "Be Done By Date" that you should adhere to.

It doesn't matter that when you find out that your spouse is cheating that your stomach drops and you have that weird up side down there but not there feeling that drops you to your knees.

And to know that the ones that witness this are there at "the wedding to celebrate your betrayal has to sting, I'm truly truly sorry for this added pain.

I hate to break it to you but you have already chosen, I think you know that too.

Oh boy. And the fact that Mulan hasn't come in to even say that I'm not selfish, terrible person, who, now according to others, am raising equally selfish, vile children, really speaks volumes. THanks a lot.

Ok, why is all of this my fault? Don't you see how we are ALL contributing to this? YEs, I'm angry and totally frustrated. I want to see mulan happy and productive. But some of this post-divorce depression and anxiety must be handled correctly. That is all I'm saying.

Expecting MY actions to make her happy and take care of business is really unreasonable.

So, if I were honestly worried about another suicide attempt and multiple calls to 911 if I told her the news, you really expect me to sit down and tell her? Would you risk that with your own mother. Oh, but of course you would, because you are all the most sane, and noble people. Not bitter at all.

You tell your father that you and your children will only have a relationship with him alone. You invite him to your home, sans OW, and he can see you and your children then.

As far as what you say to your children, you tell them the TRUTH. Yeppers, the TRUTH.

I would tell them about the affairs that your dad committed. That it caused the divorce to happen. That your mother still is hurt over it, and that it takes time for her heart to heal. That's how you deal with it.

You keep speaking about your mother needing to go seek professional help. She HAS. She IS following a professional's advice. Dr Harley. The man who started this website. The man who has helped MANY betrayed spouses SURVIVE their spouses affairs. We are telling you that she IS healing. That she IS doing this the right way. Your mother is still human. It's okay that she hurts. She WILL get through this. It takes TIME. As long as she is still making PROGRESS, than she is doing it the right way.

I hope that you NEVER experience the pain of adultery.

Do you and your DH read MB? Have you used any of the tools to make your marriage SPECTACULAR? Have a look around.

I am so sad to read this.

OH, hell no, am I going to tell my SEVEN year old anything. My poor brother already got blasted with affair stuff from the time he was 12. And I also go Affair Prevention books from Mulan for Christmas. Which I had to open -- in front of my husband - on our first Christmas together. No one seemed to think that was a problem. No one seemed to think it could be hurtful to do that in front of my husband. Thinks she could give them in private, no. How does that make my husband feel?

I teach my 7 year old, seven year old things like being respectiful and asking for help when you need it. I'm not going to teach her about affairs. Hell no.

No one has seemed to address this question.

I hate to say this cyndyk but you are showing signs of compartmentalizing things and from what I read here, not a good thing.

You say that you don't want to hurt your mom yet you see nothing wrong with having a relationship with the woman that was sleeping with your mother's husband, how can you sit there and claim you don't want to get involved yet there you are at the wedding cheering on this marriage.

Does it? So he'd dump you? You don't have a relationship with him at all then do you? I can't imagine having to kowtow to my dad like that.

People in real relationships tell the truth. They insist on good behaviour, they don't enable bad behaviour.

Stop being a chicken. If he chooses her, it doesn't mean you can't love him or offer to have a relationship with him based away from supporting his marriage and actions.



But Scotty, yes they did! YOU did!

Mulan did!

You were lighthouses for the wayward. You shone grace and refused to smile and nod at evil.

If everyone had supported you both, how much could have been done for the men who went astray?

It takes bravery to do what the two of you did, particularly doing it solo.

It grieves me to see the daughter of such a brave Plan Ber choosing cowardice and a relationship where has a fake smile for the new wife and lies for her dad.

You're worth more than that, Cynd.

And you do recognise your mothers stregnth.

You're being far more honest with her aren't you? Keep going and stop thinking you have to be a good, silent girl in the camp of the waywards.

You don't. No one should ask that 'tolerance' of you as a price for your love.

Well how long ago did she attempt to commit suicide?

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You cannot control others ... you can only control yourself. The greatest gift you can give to your mother, your children, and your husband is honesty.

Since you have this "lying" capability down like a science, how's that working in all your relationships? Any chance you are keeping secrets from your husband? You admitted keeping them from your children, how about your husband?

I encourage you to read the thousands of threads on here ... there is a commonality to each. Their marriages were all destroyed by some form of lying. Dishonesty destroys all.

I'll address this. You handled it INCORRECTLY. She found out anyways, didn't she? And now, not only does she need to deal with the fact that you attended the wedding, and CELEBRATED the affairage, but you LIED to her about it to "protect" her.

You should look to yourself and see that you have learned to LIE. Where is ML with all of the articles on what children learn from adultery? One of the MAJOR things they learn is that lying is OKAY.

I teach my children about affairs because they can't protect themselves from things they don't know exist. This is the time to teach your children the difference between right and wrong. That's a lesson that your father obviously lacked in. Stop the cycle.

And sticking your head in the sand about it isn't going to make it go away. Do you think your children will never know what really happened? Isn't it your duty to guide them down the right path?

I can bet that a part of why Mulan is upset about how you and your brother could go to the wedding is because she thought she raised you with better values and morals than that.

Did your parents not raise you to believe that marriage was between only TWO people and that adultery is WRONG?

I would absolutely never lie to my mother. Never.

How on eartyh can you help her heal from the pain of betrayal with LIES?

You astound me.

Your mothers response to news of the wedding has been most rational and sane.

She expected it, but did not expect your brother and you to cheer it along.

And she's hurt. And you're ashamed.

That's the real reason you didn't want to tell her.

Shamefacedness.

So, I would really like Mulan to answer this. Am I really a lying person who keeps secrets from my husband? Would you like to tell them all the truth? You adore my husband. But maybe I'm not good enough for him. Am I really a giant diapointment and terrible mother?

And you right, I can't control others. I can't control XH from marrying someone else. And you know what, yea, I can't control if my mom calls 911 or attempts suicide. But you know, I guess that was a risk I don't want to take.

There's a lot of things you have said that haven't been addressed.

Like how you lied to your child about your mothers very real distress.

You've decided the pain of betrayal is inconvenient, so you preach denial (get a fake smile like me, Mom!) And lie about it.

If you're willing to lie about something as simple and unembarassing about your mother being (very naturally) in pain, then what else do you think its OK to lie about?

Are you one of those people who think the truth 'hurts people'?

No no. The truth will set you free.

From fake smiles and fear.

Were tipping into drama queen territory here.

If people's words affect you this deeply and are hitting your buttons, you should take some time to consider them rationally.