cyndyk please don't take this the wrong way but your post come across as a wayward justifying her affair, there is no rational reason to go to a wedding of someone who cheated on their spouse, they the cheated knows not one meaning of sacred wedding vows, how can they when both were involved in committing adultery, what are they celebrating? not the forsaking of others or cleaving nor in sickness or health.

Please just answer this question truthfully why did you go to that wedding knowing it would hurt your mother?

I don't lie about anything. The only "lie" I told is not telling her about the marriage.

You guys are all over me about this BUT she gave both of us real direction to NEVER speak his name.

Oh, but I guess I forgot to read between the lines.

If Mulan is allowed to love him for all eternity, why is all of this my fault.

Again, I would like to Mulan to publically vouch for my character. I know she is obviously angry about my not telling her about the marriage. But I'm not a liar.

I went to the wedding because I still loved XH. He raised me since I was 5. He wasn't a great husband to my mom, but he was a father figure to me.

And you know what, it was a mistake. I hated it. I honestly cried all weekend because I felt sick knowing that my mom was only five mile away. I felt SICK. We left at 11 pm and drove through tht night so we could get out of there fast. I hated being there.

Listen, you guys are mad at the wrong person. I have not handled this perfectly, but your accusations are getting out of hand.

Its not about keeping news of the marriage dark, as per plan B...

But she expected information about YOU. Your support for the marriage was hidden from her.

Hiding the truth is deceptive and misleading.

Please don't tell us we have to explain the difference between truth and lies to a grown woman.

Not in any one's post are we blaming you.


Contradiction right there, you lied, was caught in the lie and now you want to place the blame on your mom's hurt feelings.

Do any of you people have children? You are placing all of the lies and blame on US. We were stuck between a rock and hard place. Are you guys serious?

My brother and I agreed that we felt she was too emotionally fragile to handle the news. That is all. I "lied" about nothing else. I have NEVER ever lied to my mom ever.

Ok, fine, I wish I could go back and time and you tell her and risk the 911 calls and trips to the hosptial. Because that is so awesome for all. Ever have that happen to you? That was about the worst thing ever because, you know, I know she didn't belong in there. I wanted her to find a way to move past the anger. I didn't want to shy away from any of it.

She refused ALL of it. All of it. She basically said "no" to family therapy because without XH we are not a family. Even if she still has two children, Son in law and grandchildren who love her. I get that we are a "destroyed" family but she still has us and sometimes I feel liek that will never be remotely good enough.

OK. But you're still not handling it perfectly are you?

You're still handling it the same way.

And I have not been mad, nor has anyone else.

When I greeted you on this thread, I said it was your decision and I still believe that. Your decisions, your consequences.

But that wasn't good enough for you.

You wanted to continue your support of the waywards, but to either keep your mother in the dark or talk her into faking a nonchalance about it.

You wanted to have your cake and eat it too.

People are merely pointing out its not possible. Pick a decision and live with the consequences.

I don't fault you for not telling your mother about your father's wedding. I fault you for your choice in attending the wedding in the first place. As Mulan stated in this thread, once she found out about the wedding, and your parts in it, she thought about all of the lies that were told to her to "protect" her. It didn't do anything except have her find out about it now, and have to deal with it, as well as the betrayal.

Your mother is upset with you because you supported your Wayward father's affairage. Had you just known about the wedding, and not told her, do you think she would be as upset as she is now? I would think not. She's not mad at you because you didn't tell her about the wedding, instead she is hurt by the fact that you and your brother supported the wedding. Do you not see that?

And please, stop getting mad at your mother for not coming to your rescue here. You are an adult. We are adults. You can most certainly defend yourself.

We told you it is the lie of support. The betrayal, the deceit, and the gaslighting that is so detrimental here.

Yes she told you not to tell ... the issue isn't that it is the fact you 100% supported the affairage and then lied to her about the support. Like Indie said ... your mom is in shock and awe because she raised you with character, integrity, and honor and what you did goes against the core of those beliefs.

I am sorry you are also self deceiving ... you didn't just lie about the wedding. You are lying to your children, to your father, to his OW, and still to Mulan. It is called lies by omission. And that is a very dangerous game to play, especially when the lies are from within and are altering your life.

Does this drama queen stuff actually work on some people?

We are not mad at you.

But your blame shifting the facts about lying to your mother about the marriage, going to the wedding and for some reason thinking that your mother's pain from her husband that lied to her face, hurt her deliberately, told her in oh so many ways that she was worthless to him.............


You just did the same thing when you and your brother went to that wedding you basically told your mother that you didn't care about what happened to her.

And that comment about her loving him for ever, comes across as some one who doesn't understand that just because some one hurt you that the love will die right then and there.

Cyndy, you are learning a true fact about Marriage Builders. It ain't easy being here. Now, do you understand how your mother has been STRONG? She has survived and THRIVED because of this place. Because of the things she has learned here. She is an amazingly strong person who is HURTING. She is wounded. She needs time to HEAL. This information about the wedding, and your support of it, is like ripping off a scab. She needs time to heal again.

When she was hurting, she came here, for support. That is how she chose to deal with it. And I think she has done quite well with it.

Mulan,

How can we help you heal with this latest revelation? What can we do to support you? I am so sorry you are in this horrible place ... I thank you greatly for bringing the reality of this affairage to light. So many of us BS know we will likely see the same fate as you, and it is gut wrenching and the worse form of cruelty.

{{{{{{MULAN}}}}}}}

Oh, and BTW, I DO have children, and the fact that my WH lives with OW and my children have to have ANY interactions with her KILLS me. I have NO CHOICE. I couldn't protect my children, who are 9 and 11 now(they were 6 and 9 when their father abandoned them to live with his OW and her daughter), from OW. The best way I protect them is by telling them the TRUTH about who she is and what she did, and continues to do.

Cyndy, nobody is saying it is your fault. I would like to caution you about your father's affair partner, though. My father married his affair partner, too. And when he died that b burned all the family photos he had and her hatred of our family really came out, in many ways.

It was disgusting, and surreal.

Nobody who agrees to marry an affair partner has ANY respect for the children, and I suggest you separate yourself from this mess before you go through the hell I went through in dealing with the spouse of your deceased parent. I was friendly with this woman for 25 years, but once my dad was gone, she was pure hell for my family. Pure hell! Pictures? Really? How hard would it be to give his children family photos? Nope, she burned them in the fireplace with her high school boyfriend, and called me to taunt me, as if I'd done something wrong. By being his daughter.

Cindy,

The greatest abuse and the worse form of cruelty is watching the man you love chose another woman (who isn't ever the original adultery partner).

As betrayed spouses our greatest hope is when the adultery dies a natural death the wayward will come home and put the family back together.

Then there are those waywards who would rather keep their family destroyed by marrying another.

Mulan never got a vote in this. She would have done whatever it took to save your family. Look at her pain. All she wanted was her husband to come home and be a family. Can you look at your husband and see him with another woman, or another woman raising your children? Try and put yourself in those shoes ... then walk in your mother's shoes.

Your father is one of the cruelest and most abusive waywards. That is a fact ... that cruelty is a knife straight into Mulan's heart. There isn't enough time on this earth to heal that kind of wound.

Please walk in her shoes one day ... try to feel life with your husband in another woman's arms.

cyndy,

What I am hearing is almost bitterness towards your mother for having to endure her fragile emotional health...

How about if she had been beaten or raped repeated by your father? Would you support him then? Would you complain about being "put in the middle" then?

What most people who haven't been a victim to infidelity don't "get" is how very abusive infidelity is to the BS. What your father did to her was AS BAD or WORSE than if he had been beating her for 10 years.

I have an aunt that I recently learned has been enduring her H's infidelity on and off for the last ten years. I also learned that she is suicidal and hasn't been coping well and that her children are very concerned for her. Again, people just do not understand how damaging and abusive infidelity it is. It is simply one of the cruelest things you can do to another human.

You can keep telling us you are sympathetic to your mother's pain but it is very clear to me that YOU DON'T GET IT.

Wow. Just wow. I have four adult children and I can assure you that none of them would blatantly disrespect me the way you have disrespected your mom. My husband had an affair in 2002 and my youngest son tried to tell me to just get over it but he was also 17 at the time. He has apologized to me several times since then.

No Cyndyk, you didn't JUST not tell her, you did much worse than that. You actually CHOSE to attend the wedding and celebrate it. You chose to give this man, who nearly destroyed your mother, your support vs. choosing to support your mother and make a stand against adultery. The wedding was bad enough, but now Mulan gets to deal with the fact that her children chose to betray her too. The clock on her grief just started over.

Wanna make it right? Tell your dad the truth about the effect his adultery has had on you as a child.

Another thought-- these things tend to cycle in families, unless the cycle is broken. I hope you never have to experience betrayal in your life by your husband, and especially by one of your children.

I know your mom loves you and she will eventually forgive you. I just hope you realize how much damage you caused and start making it right before its too late.

Please answer this, WHO IS ACTUALLY FULLY SUPPORTING YOUR MUM??

Your not supporting your mum your choosing a lying sack of poop over your mother, she didn't do anything wrong yet you place all the blame on her.

Reading your responses make me phisically sick and feel so sad for your mum who has been left to rot alone while you and your brother we're far too concerned about supporting your father ridiculous wedding.

How on earth can you say he is a good father. Where in all of this did he make the healthy choices for his family?? He is a selfish man and needs to see the consequences of his actions.

Your whole family is just rolling over and accepting watching a train wreck without doing anything to help. That is immoral and plain wrong.

Why can't you just stand up for what is right?

If Mulans own children won't stand up for her then I can understand why no one else has.

I dont care how much you love your father he's a monster for what he put your mum through if you choose to stick by someone like that then go ahead but stop judging the pain your mother is going through, her recovery will take longer due to the immense LACK of support.

And your children should not be exposed to adulterous home wrecking skanks or a man who abandons his family for a bit of tail. I wouldn't let my kids around people like that family or not. Does your father have to actually murder someone before you see his mistakes?

Oh and as far as the book your mum gave it was actually the smart thing to do. People who think that they are never going to have an affair are the people more likely to have one. Everyone is capable of having an affair the people who understand how affairs happen and put measures in place to protect their marriage are the people who dont have affairs.

But on the other hand your husband has just witnesses you forgiving a blatant adulterer so that doesent exactly sent the right message to stop him from one day being like your father.

Boy- this is awesome. It is clear we will never agree about anyrhing esp since I 100 percent disagree with everything directed at me. I feel terrible about the situation- the wedding, her finding out, everything. I didnt know what to do.

I really need to leave since this is not productive at all. Im actually still waiting for Mulans response. If she blasts me the same wsy I guess Ill know my place.